I am seeing all this more clearly now, also I see where I have been going wrong in the past. The words "taking ‘myself’ into actuality” really summarise what ‘I’ had been doing. It’s all in the distinction between self-enhancing/maintaining and self-diminishing. Back around the time of the fake out from control ‘I’ kept ‘myself’ intact, do-er and all, and then tried to shove this package into some manufactured, new state of ‘being’, that is the wrong direction, this is all self-enhancing/maintaining. Just like actual freedom is a description of the condition which ensues when ‘I’ am eradicated, out from control is the description of the state which ensues when the do-er is abeyant. Meaning that both descriptions are referring to what happens when something is removed/out of the way, not when the already existing package is kept intact and taken into something more. And no wonder I was experiencing such intense resistance.
I can write this confidently now because I can experience what happens when for a period of time ‘I’ become somewhat diluted/irrelevant, then it is seen that ‘I’ have arrogated ‘myself’ over life with disastrous consequences, and then when this is seen all of a sudden everything is already in it’s rightful place. Then it is seen that it was ‘my’ absence/diminishment which was needed in order to reveal the perfection and purity which was already actual all this time.
And this is so much easier in that sense, because in the past ‘I’ took on the impossible task of trying to match actuality, as ‘I’ was trying to shove ‘myself’ in there, this took enormous and ongoing effort, in that sudorific sense, and anyways ‘I’ failed every-time. But actually none of that was ever needed.
So what I am experiencing is exactly that sense of ‘me’ initially doing ‘my’ normal order of operations, control and all, and then it’s like everything stops as ‘I’ realise that once again ‘I’ am simply arrogating ‘myself’ over life, that this is not needed, it’s this extra thing that does nobody any favours.
But then I have been thinking, the way Richard described ‘my’ self-immolation, that after the fact one (as a flesh and blood body) can know that ‘I’ never actually existed in the first place, and yet for ‘me’ it is a death which is as real as it gets. And it seems similar with this issue of control, in that for ‘me’ as the do-er ‘my’ control is very real, ‘I’ cannot abandon control by merely adopting a belief that says “‘I’ was never really in control”, this would be more like some buddhistic thing, it’s self deception. Rather it is only when ‘I’ have already allowed life to happen of its own accord that ‘I’ can then look back and see that none of that activity was ever needed, but the do-er cannot know this from behind ‘his’ throne, it is only known when the do-er has already got out of the way, willingly.
Although these descriptions are still only temporary excursions, this is not the actualism process having been set in motion.