Andrew

Journals
1409

Possibly, however broken legs will still be broken, and if one is sick, then one will stay sick etc.

Physical actualities, which neurons are, will continue to be exactly what they already are in actuality. No magical physical transformation.

how much is an actual neuron problem, which is what is proposed with ADHD - a physically underperforming dopamine pathway in both the cortex and limbic areas of the brain, and how much is the ‘self’ and ‘society’, and whether there ever was underperformance to start with, but rather a “one size fits all” school system and a naturally diverse spectrum of temperament in humans.

It reminds me of the many discussions about hormones and desire, which comes first? What is causing libido?

There are people who experience no sex drive, completely “asexual” in not even having an orientation.

The main thing is suffering, ending the malicious and sorrowful experience of life, regardless of whether there is actual neurodivergence.

Indeed, I noted that the doctor explaining the “dopamine pathway “ theory, was talking about both physical rewards, food, pleasure etc, and also psychological rewards triggering the same pathway.

What I am getting out of this consideration, isn’t a new excuse, or some other distraction, but rather letting things be as they are as far as possible. If a doctor says it’s a condition, then so be it (for now), I spent my life with various internal fights going on against “secular “ people, in a very conservative way, like some sort of spiritual elitist. With “my beliefs explain all of science” sorta tone.

1410

Yes this wages upon what neurodivergence is in actuality. I will point out that many other conditions which we know disappear upon actual freedom are also currently seen as rooted in physiology. Things such as depression, addiction, fluctuations in libido etc Hell Richard even unequivocally stated that he did not experience hunger or thirst.

In fact this is the very reason why Richard was classified as insane - those qualities which he displayed in actual freedom (assessed through the psychiatric paradigm) :

  1. Depersonalisation.
  2. Derealisation.
  3. Alexithymia.
  4. Anhedonia.

And these exist as symptoms in the same book as ADHD or Autism, although they would be considered as far more serious.

In fact this is the route I observe these things to take - for example depression becomes rooted in physiology, from where it becomes hardwired as part of human nature, from where ‘I’ become merely a victim to it, from where ‘I’ develop an identity around it, from where ‘I’ learn to belong through this new identification, from where ‘I’ derive feelings of being special about ‘my’ condition, from where ‘I’ fight for ‘our’ rights etc.

Maybe, just maybe actual freedom is a far more radical departure from the old and the normal (aka the tried and failed) than is initially grasped. And furthermore it is not at all surprising that the various 'I’s would be inclined to make these things into hard-wired conditions, after-all if human nature cannot be changed then ‘I’ might as well make it all “not ‘my’ fault” and continue on with applying band aid solutions. There would be enormous responsibility on the individual if none of this has to happen at all, then ‘I’ would have to do something about it or face the facts of ‘my’ involvement.

1 Like
Kub933's Journal
1411

Points noted, there is a lot of blurring of lines when watching/reading anything about psychology between physical and mental. As you say, all end up being pinned on the physical. Which, is coincidentally also the most profitable outcome for selling drugs and treatment.

That however was exactly what I was taught as a child in Christian circles too. That is all the work of Satan, and evil profiteering.

It leaves no room for physical experiments (which are clearly not in the human condition, being machine measurements etc) and drawing conclusions from them.

If we pin everything on the 'human condition ', we are ignoring that neurons and everything a brain is, is just as physical as anything else in my body and subject to genetics, environment, lifestyle choices etc.

1412

This is an interesting point, Richard actually addressed something very similar in the correspondence.

The objection goes something like this - We are all different due to genetics, environment, lifestyle choices etc. So the solution proposed (actual freedom via self-immolation) is not taking individuality into account and therefore it cannot work / should not be entertained.

And really what this objection is, is a cunning way where ‘I’ can hide in the details, “‘I’ am a unique individual, ‘my’ suffering is special”. As Richard pointed out though the human condition is fundamentally the same in all humans.
That human beings are born with fear, aggression, nurture and desire does not change with the genetic, environmental and lifestyle factors, it is a given across all cultures, places and times.

So it is not pinning anything on the human condition, it is discovering the facts, of what is actual and what exists only in the ‘human’ psyche. The “we are all unique individuals” is a distraction / excuse from discovering the root cause though.

In fact writing this now I realise just how common of a tactic this is within the real world! “‘I’ am different so whatever you are proposing could not possibly apply to ‘me’”, it is just an excuse though, to retain ‘me’ and ‘my’ territory.

1 Like
1413

Indeed, for the record I feel no compelling draw to hide in the details on the subject of ADHD or for that matter, personality disorders.

They are however, at the very least ‘real’. That for me has been the dawning theme of the last couple of years. Being raised to dismiss all psychology and psychiatry as false, that a person only needed to be repentant enough, and have whatever demons exercised, learning first hand that these terms (personality disorders especially, but also ADHD this year) are referring to very real conditions.

Dyslexia is also something that I am acquainted with, both in my late brother and again in another colleague.

It would indeed be a fantastic outcome to find out all of this brain/mind/personality/behavioural “disorders “ are symptoms of blind natures instinctual ‘self’, and with its happy disappearance, so to does the rest.

Either way, we work with where we are, and what is going on. Personally, I find the labels useful, as whole areas of ‘myself’ can be broadly understood in the moment. As in, “ah, I am feeling restless, impulsive “ and rather than go on any story about why that may be, seeing that it’s been there my whole life. So no amount of wondering about my career, about goals, or any external change is going to do much except “kick the ball down the road” for another 5 mins.

I am only a day or so in to considering this, and so far it’s been freeing. So what if I am naturally (whether real or actual) inclined to be more restless?

I assume actually free people still scratch itches?

I also assume that so far no one has become physically transformed in anyway. If someone is a fast runner, or strong swimmer, or has a keen eye for detail, or is ambidextrous, that these abilities did not disappear, but also did not magically appear either.

1414

The experience for me is emotional acceptance of myself. That, in discovering last year (probably the year before actually) that I could be easily classed as a “cluster C” personality. A dependent person disorder. That was freeing. I wasn’t special! These traits are so common they have entire descriptions in very thick books about them!

And so to ADHD. The symptoms line up. Again, even less special! No artist “origin story” for me anymore.

What is next? Probably what is sweeping social media now, and that is accepting that a lot of how I behave is also “autistic “.

Hehe.

I remember reading that the prevalence of autism and all psychological/behavioural disorders goes up when the father of the child is older. My father was 36 when I was born, and obviously progressively older as my three younger brothers where born. Each of us were on some “spectrum” as we say these days.

That could be still an operation of ‘self’, but it’s a stretch to make that argument. The simplest and most obvious answer is “old” damaged DNA, that is,males who are old create less than perfect sperm, and women who are “old” that is, in their thirties, have been carrying their eggs since before birth. It’s all old DNA and wearing out.

I would not be surprised that the rise of delayed child births, that is, people having children when they are thirty plus, even forty plus, is correlated with the rise of ADHD and autism. Probably dyslexia as well, if not the rise of disabilities in general.

The Australian government is spending tens of billions currently housing disabled people in Australia. A nation of only around 25 million. Granted, it’s an absolute scam, with most of the money being effectively wasted, but the fact it has such political support, shows something of the scale of disability in Australia.

1415

I am going to have a bit of a deep dive on this one, as it’s very interesting.

We also have “neuroplasticity” to consider.

I was watching a young man on YouTube discuss his journey, and after two years, he chose to stop medication as he said that the new habits and space they had given him, had changed him. His new job had enough stimulation, and he was able to function properly.

He noted that he did focus better on medication, but that the benefits of relying on his new habits and accepting slightly less focus was better for him.

As someone in the comments said “pills aren’t skills”

1416

Andrew: The fascinating bit will be what remains after becoming free? (link)

Hi Andrew,

It is indeed a fascinating inquiry of what remains after becoming free. There is little to add to what Kuba wrote at this point in your inquiry.

If you read more of Richard’s writing, his journal and his correspondences, you will understand quite a bit of what disappears, it is in fact the whole of the psychological and the psychic faculty/ entity including those chemical processes which are triggered by this faculty/ entity. As Kuba said, Richard’s selected correspondence on sanity, insanity and salubriousness can give you some better understanding when read with a naïve attitude.

It would save you a lot of searching around in the psychological/ psychiatric text-books for possible physical causes of your emotional/ psychological condition – unless you are specifically searching for a reason why change is not possible/ not desirable or not necessary, in order to allow you (in all good conscience) to continue your life-long habit of merely following your feelings no matter what the consequences for your well-being (and possibly that of others), instead of applying common sense whenever your mood dips below feeling good.

But you had indicated in the post I replied to yesterday (link) that you want to dedicate your life to feeling good (and even benevolence and benignity) – so let’s see what happens.

Kuba: On the flight back from China I read through Richard’s correspondence on sanity, it was a very fascinating read actually, with the main takeaway being that actual freedom is completely outside of that sanity-insanity paradigm. Of course when viewed from within the real world paradigm it was classified as a severe psychotic disorder in Richard’s case.
But the point being that what I saw (again) in the PCE the other day is that the actual world is a completely new world. ‘I’ exist somewhere in the psyche, ‘my’ world along with the various classifications of where ‘I’ exist within its boundaries, it all disappears in the PCE. It is not that ‘I’ am inside and the actual world is outside, both ‘inside and outside’ disappear in the PCE and there is only the actual world. Same with regards to time, that ‘I’ exist within the real world timespan of past-present-future, which itself exists only in the psyche and in the PCE it disappears altogether. So to cut a long story short – all of ‘me’ as well as the various components of ‘my’ world disappear without a trace in the PCE. As it has been said “nothing dirty can get in” – this is indeed the case.
So considering the above it seems rather clear to me that in full actual freedom there would not be a trace of neurodivergence left. Just who would be diverging from what exactly. (link)

Hi Kuba,

An excellent post (as well as your two follow-up ones (link)), which really describes experientially to what extent the human condition and ‘me’ are usually completely dominating one’s perception, feeling and behaviour. It is so refreshing to read when someone can experientially confirm that “both ‘inside’ and outside’” worlds disappear in a PCE and upon an actual freedom. It also confirms, by extension, that psychology and psychiatry can only enable people to “keep one’s head above water”, as Chrono recently phrased his own experience with the genre (16 Oct 25), because they never address, in fact only divert attention from the real culprit – ‘me’.

It’s marvellous that you can experientially confirm for yourself that “in full actual freedom there would not be a trace of neurodivergence left”. It all disappears as if by magic upon becoming free and then divesting oneself of the remnants of one’s social identity.

Cheers Vineeto

Kub933's Journal
Kub933's Journal
1417

Had a fantastic walk, with a definite reward for the type of thoughts I was entertaining.

Essentially, just talking over with myself about it being this moment, about being here, being down to earth, especially that even though I was in excellent surroundings, they are facilitating me being right here, now, in the way they are conditionality enjoyable.

I am reminded that this is not what I have done before, even recently, as I was previously striving to enjoy the surroundings. This time, I was gathering myself up by remembering that “drawing into this moment “ experience, and navigating my thoughts towards what was increasing that sensation of being “down to earth” in the most literal way. Thought such as “my destiny is here, right under my feet, solid, safe”

The more I enjoyed this game of thinking about and guiding myself back to the experience of being there, at that moment, the more enjoyable the “conditional enjoyment “ became. It was even more pleasant.

1 Like
1418

That’s a good direction—to contemplate and thus live in this only moment of being alive (or, more precisely, “let the moment live you”). It is ‘part and parcel’ of my asking why the PCE is not happening right now. It is a more “direct” approach once you are in “higher gears” (but ‘feeling good 24x7’ is the best approach when in “lower gears”).

RICHARD: Being here now is to put your money where your mouth is, as it were. All other actions are methods, devices, techniques … which are, in effect, delaying tactics. (link)

In hindsight, I think why ‘sitting with [the passions]’ work is because the head & heart activity are more on the psychic timeline (being anywhere but now, filled with hopes and such), whereas the passions are more here (responsive to the moment) … not actually here, mind you, but just closer.

You can also contemplate spontaneity, because it is “in the territory” so to speak:

RESPONDENT: Question two: Are you an orderly man? [snip various dictionary definitions].

RICHARD: No.

I function organically – as in uncontrolled – inasmuch I am pragmatic/practical (as contrasted to principled/logical) … and, again, utility and effectivity in any given situation/ circumstances is what determines such functioning.

In short: there is nothing which needs to be controlled … hence spontaneity (no impulsivity). (link)

Spontaneity not only with things and events but also, notably, with people[1].

  1. I’ve explored everything there is to explore in my sexual identity, and am close to becoming virtually free of it. Consequently, my understanding of sex (that which has gotten people by their balls, by basing their self-worth on it) has come to the point where I see it as recreation (like playing ping-pong with a willing and interested buddy). The libido-based “control” (hope, despair, fantasies, etc.) over a psychic timeline in order to establish my “worth” has become redundant, and thus interactions with people, and women in particular, are becoming more and more spontaneous, enjoyed and appreciated on its own (being here now) without any regard for what could or should or would transpire in future moments. It is much safer here, and nothing can go wrong. ↩︎

1 Like
1419

I had an internal monologue which brought up the phrase “can’t see the forest for the trees”. I was thinking about how many times I would not really get very far looking into what I was experiencing over the years. The habit, as Vineeto pointed out, to be hard on myself, which includes having high expectations without actually gathering any level of skill, and a myriad of other habits and beliefs etc et all; anyway, this phrase “can’t see the forest for the trees “ made me realise that I can see the trees!

Meaning, it’s useful to look at the “trees” of the forest. The “trees” in this context being of course anything at all that is an obvious detrimental habit. It may not be the exact habit or issue in this moment, it may just be something I have been habitually doing which I know is not useful to the goal.

For example, I was walking and feeling neutral. There was any number of sources, from trouble with my drivers license, to trying to sort out my living situation. Stressful things, but obviously not happening “right now”. What was often happening that day were political monologues. Basically, an imaginary conversation with an audience of some size, where I may even be a world leader (if that suits the fantasy topic)

Obviously, not a useful thing to be doing. So I started looking at this particular “tree”. Without going into it, it was useful. I saw plenty of facets to this. From comforting myself, to imagining that someone is in control, to arrogance, and lots in between.

It didn’t immediately change my mood, but it was a good time, as the more I just looked at this particular “tree”, the better I felt in general about having a better way and habit of spending time in my mind.

1 Like
1420

So to carry on in the correct place, my own journal.

The drama in the moment of writing about the fear of failing again, has revealed more of the simplicity I look for these days, rather than any “thought out” type of conclusions based on the “story of my life”.

The simplicity is the basic fear intrinsic to being a survival (and reproductive) program, at my core. It’s a feedback loop which is now focused on the fact there is a lot less potential life ahead, than there is behind, and the daily reminders from the aging process that this is not math, or theoretical.

The fear, which is me, and has always been so much that a) was ever present, b) not admitted, ever.

I distinctly remember the moment I vowed to myself I would not admit I was afraid even. It of course, didn’t stop me being afraid, but it means I denied it to myself so thoroughly that in many circumstances I didn’t even feel it.

That moment was as a child when the stove caught on fire, an oil fire on the cooktop when someone had left oil heating up. I remember “screaming like a girl” and in that was even going to douse the flames with water, though I don’t remember what happened. I remember such shame sitting on the step out the front of the house, that I vowed that I would never be afraid again.

I was about 10 years old, I think.

I have of course, felt fear many many times, but it is surprising how few, if any will I openly admit feeling it. I probably have talked about it, in theory, but admitting, in the moment, that I am afraid, is rare.

1 Like
1421

Andrew: Hi Vineeto,
To echo Adam’s theme of initial reaction to later appreciation, I took this as encouragement but didn’t specifically have anything to be courageous about. I was also surprised by the encouragement to be friendly with myself, it is always a great reminder for me. (…) (link)

Hi Andrew,

Perhaps this is something to take note of – reminding yourself to be friendly with yourself until it becomes a beneficial habit. As your further post indicates, this reminder allowed you to feel some of the deeply buried fear and contemplate it.

Andrew: The drama in the moment of writing about the fear of failing again, has revealed more of the simplicity I look for these days, rather than any “thought out” type of conclusions based on the “story of my life”.
The simplicity is the basic fear intrinsic to being a survival (and reproductive) program, at my core. It’s a feedback loop which is now focused on the fact there is a lot less potential life ahead, than there is behind, and the daily reminders from the aging process that this is not math, or theoretical.
The fear, which is me, and has always been so much that a) was ever present, b) not admitted, ever.
I distinctly remember the moment I vowed to myself I would not admit I was afraid even. It of course, didn’t stop me being afraid, but it means I denied it to myself so thoroughly that in many circumstances I didn’t even feel it.
That moment was as a child when the stove caught on fire, an oil fire on the cooktop when someone had left oil heating up. I remember “screaming like a girl” and in that was even going to douse the flames with water, though I don’t remember what happened. I remember such shame sitting on the step out the front of the house, that I vowed that I would never be afraid again.
I was about 10 years old, I think.
I have of course, felt fear many, many times, but it is surprising how few, if any will I openly admit feeling it. I probably have talked about it, in theory, but admitting, in the moment, that I am afraid, is rare. (link)

This was a harsh treatment indeed for a 10-year-old, and when fear is constantly pushed away, it automatically grows – the very affective energy of pushing it away increases the affective charge of the unwanted feeling. And when it is seriously suppressed, over a long period of time, it results in all kinds of psycho-somatic side-effects. For additional general information see Richard, Dissociation and Trauma.

So it’s very beneficial that you can now allow to acknowledge and feel the feeling of fear, as much as you dare each time, being friendly and shining the bright light of awareness and contemplative attentiveness on those feelings.

Richard: Attentiveness gets not infatuated with the good feelings nor sidesteps the bad as attentiveness is a non-feeling awareness; a sensuous attention. Attentiveness is not sentimental susceptibility for it does not get involved with affection or empathy or get hung up on mercurial imaginations and capricious intuitions or ephemeral auguries. Attentiveness does not register feelings and compare the validity of experience according to it ‘feeling right’ or ‘feeling wrong’. Attentiveness is an aesthetic alertness that takes place with minimised reference to self. With attentiveness one sees the internal world with blameless references to concepts like ‘my’ or ‘mine’. (…) Attentiveness is seeing how any feeling makes ‘me’ tick – and how ‘I’ react to it – with the perspicacity of seeing how it affects others as well. In attentiveness, there is an unbiased observing of the constant showing-up of the ‘reality’ within and is examining the feelings arising one after the other … and such attentiveness is the ending of its grip. Please note that last point: in attentiveness, there is an observance of the ‘reality’ within, and such attention is the end of its embrace … finish. (Richard, Articles, Attentiveness …)

When you apply this kind of contemplation, at bit at a time, and then perhaps longer, not getting side-tracked into imaginations or intuitions, then the affective charge of fear will diminish and allow you to more deeply understand how you tick. It might well diminish the restlessness you reported. Of course, you can do that with any feeling that arises.

Cheers Vineeto

1 Like
1422

I think you may be interested in revisiting my “So I sat on the couch determined to not do anything for next 5 minutes” in Syd's PCE Log

It is interesting you describe this basic fear as being not only about survival but also reproduction (sex & bonding). My December panic was largely of the later kind. But the great thing is that, once the “simple” core passions (past the head and heart activity) are acknowledged, you can sit with them until automatically coming through to ‘the other side’ (sensuous & naive enjoyment), sometimes even a PCE may result sooner or later … even though sorting out its implications (see last paragraph below) will take some time.

RICHARD: […] fear is both the barrier and the gateway to the actual world. There is nothing so thrilling as a trip through fear … and then one comes out the other side. There is no fear here, in this actual world where I live. Not even disquietude, uneasiness, nervousness or apprehension … let alone anxiety, angst, fear, terror, horror or dread.

It is not a case of ‘facing fear’ … one can use it to swing through to this actual world … leaving one’s ‘self’ behind, where it belongs, in the ‘real-world’. Selected Correspondence: Fear

Edited to add: Regarding “the fact there is a lot less potential life ahead, than there is behind”, yes that’s part of the sacrifice necessary to coming to be here more as a sensate body. :slight_smile: Can you be completely happy (as well as harmless with the opposite sex, as in appreciating their preferences & choices as well as wishing well) with the potentiality of sex & bonding, for instance, never happening again? FWIW, it was a similar consideration (“going about it on my own”) that lead to my last PCE. But I do find the question posted before to be going straight to the nub of the issue more than my consideration. There’s a cheerful death of the sexual identity imminent.

1 Like
1423

Thanks Vineeto,

I had never truly contemplated the now obvious parallel to the institutional disassociation described in the link to the AFT.

Wow!

Indeed, I went for a walk this morning and that was the theme, being completely ok with feeling whatever I am actually feeling! If I am afraid, nervous, and otherwise stressed, then so be it! I need to acknowledge fully that this is all me! As Geoffrey said in his report of becoming free, that it was him, not some ‘self’ with enough quotation marks as not to really be him, but him! The one thinking and feeling right now! (Paraphrased from memory).

Another little phrase I came up with “it doesn’t matter that I will most probably feel horrible or bad in the future, most probably a lot, and most probably for a long while, that doesn’t mean I have to feel bad in this moment “

This feels freeing from the ‘intellectual’ habit of giving up because it’s “all going to be taken away anyway “.

Which segues into the encouragement to have courage!

Anticipating pain usually means seeking to avoid it, however this imaginary pain, of ‘losing’ whatever joy or happiness I have now, shoots the baby, and tips out the bath water “just in case” I will be disappointed.

I have resolved that it’s ok to feel bad, for as long as it takes in any moment, to otherwise a) completely stop fighting myself b) take on board the the simplicity of the method; that is, it is only me who can chose what I am feeling, and I won’t be able to do that if I am busy fighting myself.

4 Likes
1424

Andrew: Thanks Vineeto,
I had never truly contemplated the now obvious parallel to the institutional disassociation described in the link to the AFT.
Wow!

Hi Andrew,

I am pleased this article about ‘dissociation and trauma’ was so informative for you. When you think about it, it also informs that dissociation in various forms is a common automatic reaction to stress and traumatic events alike. Hence extricating oneself from an unhappiness that seems almost impossible to shift, dissociation in whatever form would be the most likely culprit to look for and hence (slowly) lifting the dissociation the most likely approach for remedy as well.

Andrew: Indeed, I went for a walk this morning and that was the theme, being completely ok with feeling whatever I am actually feeling! If I am afraid, nervous, and otherwise stressed, then so be it! I need to acknowledge fully that this is all me! As Geoffrey said in his report of becoming free, that it was him, not some ‘self’ with enough quotation marks as not to really be him, but him! The one thinking and feeling right now! (Paraphrased from memory).

Indeed, acknowledging the feeling fully, i.e. affectively, is how you find out how you are, and from there you can make a choice how you want to experience this moment of being alive – given that you do have this choice. Here is the quote you are paraphrasing –

Geoffrey: I saw without a shadow of a doubt that ‘I’ am the cause of every evil, corruption, dirt… just because ‘I’ am ‘so precious’. How ‘I’ mess everything up for myself and everybody just because ‘I’ am. And not some dissociated ‘I’ with enough quotes not to be me, but me right now thinking this. (Geoffrey, Report of Becoming Free).

This is the sincerity to the core where you can genuinely experience how you tick and also make the choice for action, guided by the sincere intent (willingness/ readiness) to be felicitous and innocuous, happy and harmless.

Andrew: Another little phrase I came up with “it doesn’t matter that I will most probably feel horrible or bad in the future, most probably a lot, and most probably for a long while, that doesn’t mean I have to feel bad in this moment”.
This feels freeing from the ‘intellectual’ habit of giving up because it’s “all going to be taken away anyway”.
Which segues into the encouragement to have courage!
Anticipating pain usually means seeking to avoid it, however this imaginary pain, of ‘losing’ whatever joy or happiness I have now, shoots the baby, and tips out the bath water “just in case” I will be disappointed.

Of course, pessimism or even cynicism are no recipe to avoid the pain of disappointment, and if I am not mistaken you have tried that for years and know it doesn’t work. What Richard suggests is something that cuts through all anticipation and disappointment –

Richard: Before applying the actualism method – the ongoing enjoyment and appreciation of this moment of being alive – it is essential for success to grasp the fact that this very moment which is happening now is your only moment of being alive. The past, although it did happen, is not actual now. The future, though it will happen, is not actual now. Only now is actual. Yesterday’s happiness and harmlessness does not mean a thing if one is miserable and malicious now and a hoped-for happiness and harmlessness tomorrow is to but waste this moment of being alive in waiting. All one gets by waiting is more waiting. Thus any ‘change’ can only happen now. The jumping in point is always here; it is at this moment in time and this place in space. Thus, if one misses it this time around, hey presto, one has another chance immediately. Life is excellent at providing opportunities like this. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, This Moment of Being Alive)

And the tool tip next to it explains it further –

Rick: Richard, in regards to the actualist method, is ‘… the only moment I’m ever alive’ phrase helpful after asking the ‘how am I experiencing …’ question? Are there benefits to saying that statement along with the question? Or is ‘how am I experiencing this moment of being alive?’ sufficient enough to become actually free?
Richard: The reason why I draw attention to the fact that this moment is the only moment one is ever alive when responding to queries about the actualism method – asking oneself, each moment again, how one is experiencing this moment of being alive (the only moment one is ever alive) until it becomes a non-verbal attitude/ a wordless approach to life – is so as to provide for an undivided attention or exclusive focus upon what is currently occurring … this moment being the very place, so to speak, where not only everything happens but where radical change can, and does, occur.
If there be not this salient comprehension (that this moment is the only moment one is ever alive) then tacking that phrase onto the actualism question – until it too becomes a non-verbal attitude/ a wordless approach to life – would, presumably, be helpful in gaining that understanding. (Richard, AF List, Rick, 14 Dec 2004).

You almost said something like this yourself –

Andrew: “Anticipating pain usually means seeking to avoid it, however this imaginary pain, of ‘losing’ whatever joy or happiness I have now, shoots the baby, and tips out the bath water”.

Your ““just in case” I will be disappointed” is the well-known safe-guarding against an already anticipated future from experiences in the (remembered) past, whereas when you recognize that only now is actual genuine change can and will happen. It is both simple and radical.

Andrew: I have resolved that it’s ok to feel bad, for as long as it takes in any moment, to otherwise a) completely stop fighting myself b) take on board the simplicity of the method; that is, it is only me who can chose what I am feeling, and I won’t be able to do that if I am busy fighting myself. (link)

I do understand that you want to start where you are at and first get used to not pushing uncomfortable feelings away, to replace this habit by stopping fighting those feelings and let yourself be as you presently are – and be a friend to yourself. One step at a time.

I liked how Adam-H understood what it means to “being my own best friend” –

Adam-H: 1. don’t be hard on yourself for your mistakes;

  1. actually want what’s best for yourself, meaning you won’t let yourself ruin your own day. (link)

Which means that eventually you discover that letting yourself be as you presently are, as a friend, segues into not letting yourself ruin your own day.

Cheers Vineeto

3 Likes
1425

A thought has been quite impactful over the last day or so, and that is “I need to change radically”.

That includes both meanings of “being my own best friend” and living from the full experience of being, as in I am my feelings.

Obviously, it’s ok to say such a thing, but it wasn’t so much the obviousness of the statement, but rather I don’t think I have ever thought it, let alone said, as Richard recalls from his youth " changing myself radically".

It’s a radical change to be both those meanings Adam introduced.

What strikes me about the statement is how straight forward it is. There is nothing ambiguous about “radically changing myself”.

If I was to contrast what is so impactful, with other statements, even one of say " feeling good all the time, no matter what", which describes a radical change, but doesn’t explicitly strike me individually. It seems I was absorbing many such statements into my religio-spiritual habits.

In the same way Richard saying I “yes’ed and amen’ed” Vineeto when I was visiting.

I am adept as “yes and amen.”

It striking to aim to radically change myself.

2 Likes
1426

Hi Andrew,

How cool, you know when I read your post the other day I wrote out a big reply - about radically changing oneself, but then decided not to post it.

What came to mind specifically was something that Geoffrey mentioned in passing during a zoom call - that actualism is not merely a ‘feel good philosophy’. A ‘feel good philosophy’ would have ‘me’ remain the same and simply paste some ‘feel good’ deception over the top.
Whereas actualism is not like that at all, it is far more radical. Any change along the way means that ‘I’ am being changed also. And that is no little thing, as Vineeto wrote to me - ‘I’ don’t only protect ‘me’ but also any/all of ‘my’ territory, it takes daring to proceed down the wide and wondrous path, from start to finish, precisely because ‘I’ don’t remain the same.

2 Likes
1427

Writing this down, as I almost forgot!

I can change “Instinctual Passions” because I am Instinctual Passions. In as much as any radical change is changing me, I am changing entirely.

I say this as I realised that I hold the instinctual passions in some belief system of being the “final boss” , and as such are in effect saying “I can’t change human nature”.

While I am sure it’s not technically true that I am for example eliminating fear (which would be a stripped down self), I can radically reduce it, via the method of appreciation and enjoying being alive.

2 Likes
1428

I was investigating along tangential lines recently. I saw that the various feelings mentioned here all stem from the instinctual passion of desire—not just sexual desire but also the desires ‘stuck atop’[1] it. Instead of sidestepping or reducing this desire, I can channel[2] it towards beneficial means (rememoration geek :grin: ), and this makes those other feelings pretty redundant.

RICHARD: Nothing worth anything is gained without extending oneself way beyond the norm. One has to want freedom like one has never wanted anything before. I say: rev up desire until one feels that one must surely implode … and rev it up some more. Unless freedom is one’s number one priority in life – amounting to an obsession – one will always live a second-rate life. Selected Correspondence: Love and Love Agape

  1. I see now why Richard uses ‘desire’ (in the list of instinctual passions) instead of merely ‘lust’. Also, cf. “the very passionate drive of desire, in whichever form it manifests” in Intimacy - #35 by Kub933 ↩︎

  2. So no longer wasting the instinctual energy on the thing being desired (in the real-world) … be it sexual ‘conquest’, validation (aka. emotional/ identity conquest), possession, a prop for one’s self-worth, an other-person derived source of meaning in life, or whatever. The “energy” of that desire is now freed for other purposes. ↩︎

1 Like
Romantic Love is a fantasy construct
Romantic Love is a fantasy construct