Are we, and I mean everyone here, skipping around the most fundamental feeling?
Being unattractive, or at best partially so. Or, in simple terms, Ugly.
I was just looking at myself in the mirror. Such a feeling of complete revulsion.
Maybe it’s just me. Maybe me and a few others.
I find it wonderful that so many have advanced with Actualism and even become free!
Andrew: So…
Haha, I always love to open with “So”.
How is it, that such innocence can be the carrier of such destruction?
Hi Andrew,
What innocence? Do you genuinely believe that babies are born innocent – especially after your previous insight on guilt? (link)
Co-Respondent: I’m not out murdering, raping, abusing people and that sort of thing – as many people are not. Is one ‘guilty’ just by having a ‘human nature’?
Richard: Not by having a human nature … by being human nature (‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’): ‘I’ am guilty by virtue of ‘my’ very presence: it is ‘me’ as a psychological/psychic ‘being’ (at root an instinctual ‘being’) who is guilty of being harmful just by existing … but it is not ‘my’ fault as ‘I’ am not to blame for ‘my’ existence (if anything it is blind nature which is at fault or to blame).
In the normal human world one is considered guilty where one does nothing about one’s human nature. Traditionally people try to avoid this ‘doing nothing’ guilt by living in accord with culturally-determined morals and ethics and values and principles and mores and so on. However, when push comes to shove, this thin veneer of civilised life can vanish in an instant and the instinctual survival passions can come surging out in full force …
The solution to all this is to be found in the actual world: in a pure consciousness experience (PCE), where ‘I’ as ‘my’ feelings am temporarily absent, it will be experienced that one is innocent for the very first time … in a PCE there is not the slightest trace of guilt whatsoever to be found. ‘Tis a remarkably easy way to live. (Richard, AF List, No. 27b, 17 Aug 2002).
More information at Richard’s Selected Correspondence on Innocence and any other topic which you find fascinating enough to explore further (Richard, Selected Correspondence, Index).
Perhaps some taking advantage of the vast amount of information, freely available on the Actual Freedom Trust website, would be beneficial before you squander your time and energy on having feelings about theories and beliefs that are far from factual?
Andrew: For context, and to avoid my historical habit of being cryptic and mysterious; my otherwise cheerful, adventurous, and caring mother, has carried and passed on all the horrors of the human condition.
Just as every mother and father in all of history has done.
Wow.
What a betrayal!
Each of us, grown in the innocence of ignorance and being completely new to being alive at all, carry on this utter insanity! (link)
Again, as ignorance is not innocence, there was no “betrayal” to be outraged or indignant about – “every mother and father in all of history” have been genetically endowed with instinctual passions and furnished with social conditiong and passed this on to the next generation, just as you have done with your own children.
It’s worth contemplating from this angle –
Richard: … “it is not ‘my’ fault as ‘I’ am not to blame for ‘my’ existence (if anything it is blind nature which is at fault or to blame).” (Richard, AF List, No. 27b, 17 Aug 2002).
Cheers Vineeto
I was about to fully “launch “ into one of my normal (for me) dramatic tirades.
The insight I had the other day, that I am always looking for the profound feeling, the moment of profound sentiment, that my entire life was dictated by this; a profound feeling is the meaning of life!
I had a wonderful afternoon and evening. My 2 year old niece finally “warmed up to me”. I spent it setting up all my new musical equipment in the living room, lying on the floor with her, encouraging her with “yes, yep, that’s it” to whatever creative impulse she had to hit a note on the keyboard, or draw a line on her whiteboard her grandmother bought her.
I felt so good just being silly with her. She was so entranced by me, and I by her. Just being silly, enjoying all the wonderful sounds and colours. I really had so much fun with her. Bathing her with all the bubbles, making bubble beards. Having her “boing” my bass guitar. So many magical moments. Just being a big kid.
Really special for me. This little human who has been around just two years, my brothers “surprise “ baby!! 
Now for the dramatic tirade!
No, not really. Just that I had a moment of peace with the infatuation I once had with my ex wife, the mother of my three sons. My, by any account, magnificent sons.
This idea of “path” being time, is really something else.
Everything was a test. A grind. Each moment an exam with consequences!
Not anymore. If my heart gives out, my last moment will not be a test, or a lament. It will be a “ yep, that’s good!”
Yeah, that’s it.
And here is my ex wife, but not really her, just a very cool similar looking woman, whom I wish my ex would one day be an able to enjoy that level of
Happiness.
Although, in every day life as a person, I am a very straight down the line construction estimator, dealing with at any one moment, millions of dollars of projects, with the extremes of wealth one investment, I am just a kid really.
A kid who like many other billions of kids had an absolute shit show of an introduction to life. Indeed, I can’t name a single person who wasn’t otherwise crapped on by the human condition.
Ok.
So, I realise that everything has always been an extreme with me. Even now. Another example of extreme.
I really enjoyed being an uncle today! Having my two year old niece follow me around, copying every word I said.
I can honestly say, I wish I had myself as my own uncle!
I am the shit, as far as uncles go!
Really top notch unclehood going on here! 
This “extreme seeking” is so profound for me.
It is this “instant perfectionism” I seek.
I am under the influence of alcohol at the moment. It’s both embarrassing and liberating.
I have been so comfortable being suppressed emotionally and “malicious and sorrowful “ in all the normal ways.
Not any more.
My heart, this absolute miracle of natire, keeps beating!
It IS so terrifying!
HOW!
It just keeps beating!
The wide and wonderous path is paved with “time”. However that is defined, here I am, still. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. A…you get the picture.
To tie everything together, in a lovely bow!
So, the contemplation of art, music, handedness, extreme writing, and the realisation a while back that I wasn’t seeing anything “for myself “, has lead to me seeing something for myself, which is that it (the whole thing with some special feeling, a perfect artistic pinnacle, intellectualism from before) had a simple and rather calming answer; it is all very normal fear, storytelling and not particularly unique. The final, to be lived a bit more still, is the habit of looking for rational answers as to why I am “this or that”, the belief that a logical story is behind a feeling, that some profound cause will make it all understandable and sensible.
It’s nice to have no reason not to choice to feel good. It is a belief that I had to unravel some cryptic maze so I can choose!
That there is a solid, logical reason for being afraid. Angry.
Hmm, I like it 
It’s dawning on me that there is no “good reason” to feel anything.
That is the basis of choice. There is no intrinsic reason to feel anything over anything else, so one may feel good, or, choose to cease ‘being’ at all!.
That last bit is not dawning on me yet, but I can understand it intelligently.
The statement it “silly” not to feel good finally makes sense, beyond the obvious. I am experiencing the being no reason behind feeling bad!
That really great.
Andrew: The statement it “silly” not to feel good finally makes sense, beyond the obvious. I am experiencing the being no reason behind feeling bad!
That really great. (link)
Hi Andrew,
This is great. You may like this quote –
Richard: ‘The more you feel good the more feeling good happens; the more feeling good happens the better you feel; the better you feel the more feeling better gets … and so on and so on … gradually increasing ever-incrementally until one day you can get to the stage the identity in residence all those years ago got to where ‘he’ would say how ‘he’ had to invent a new word (‘bester’) because how on earth could best keep on getting better.
(Be warned: the sky is not the limit). (Richard, List D, No. 11, 25 Nov 2009a).
Cheers Vineeto
Hi Andrew,
I know this exploration is somewhat concluded for you now but something fun came up just now with regards to this “instant perfectionism”, what it is and what it is seeking.
Richard wrote in his journal that Beauty is one way to arrive at The Truth…
I just complimented Sonya on her hair, it had that dry and ruffled look that one can get after swimming in the sea. She said it’s from using this new tool she got from a work colleague.
And then I wondered, how various beauty interventions seek to demonstrate exactly that “instant/effortless perfectionism” even though they actually require quite intensive protocols, it is a charade at the end of the day.
Models or artists looking to manifest Beauty cannot be seen to “try hard”, what they aim to project has to appear to be there effortlessly, Beauty has to appear to arise almost by accident. In fact trying / practicing would be equal to “faking it” in this game.
And isn’t that exactly what this “instant perfectionism” seeks? To appear to arrive at The Truth effortlessly, the “ultimate artistic expression” you were describing.
I guess what clicked for me now and what I found fun was to notice the role that Beauty plays in all this, and what Beauty is - an imperative contained within the instinctual programming, one of the ways that blind nature ensures the propagation of the species.
Essentially it is that beauty’s goal is to point to that which is naturally there, good genes or what have you, not what can be accomplished through practice and through the use of intelligence.
That’s definitely a part of the whole thing of perfectionism!
I have often looked into plastic surgery. Knowing that for a small fortune I can look better. However, I would know that it’s fake! I would be ‘enjoying’ others admiration and also not enjoying them potentially feeling bad about themselves in comparison, knowing the whole trick!
It is perhaps a dim reflection of knowing at some long buried level that life is perfect already? That the actual enjoyment of existence is free?
Maybe that’s going too far.
Here’s another!
RESPONDENT: Now the next question. If there is no discontent and one is happy most of the time in virtual freedom what keeps one still going towards actual freedom?
RICHARD: Curiosity, fascination and what amounts to an obsession with finding out about oneself, about life, about the universe and about just what it is to be a human being living in the world as it is with people as they are. All this and more becomes obvious the further one proceeds … one is inextricably drawn towards one’s destiny. It is intrinsically impelling, exciting, exhilarating, thrilling … one is living life fully. And it keeps on becoming better and better … one is constantly amazed at the magical quality of life itself. One experiences an ever-increasing excellence again and again … and asks: ‘How can best get better?’ Yet it does … and there is more … and more … and more. (Richard’s Descriptions of Being Out-from-Control in a Different Way of Being)
Hi All,
Small update, with a question or two for others!
First to the questions; has anyone looked into ADHD or has ADHD?
After talking with family who are (finally) in therapy, they are apparently sub clinical for ADHD. I have always been dismissive of the term, but on closer inspection, only because I was raised to be dismissive of the term!
Watching a few videos, I really saw that the traits match my MO in many ways.
I feel relieved!
I was bought up believing all such conditions were the work of demons. After leaving Christianity I see that my belief morphed over into whatever belief system I was following at the time.
I can barely sit still for 15 minutes (unless I am interested, the an hour is possible, maybe!). Never have been able to. Will daydream constantly, procrastinate to the last minute, every time, constantly distracted, can become obsessed in an interest, only to drop it.
Most jobs I have had have lasted between 6 months to 2 years , the longest was 4 years.
Constantly bored from the earliest years unless I could completely get lost in drawing, cubby building , music or fantasy.
In other news, I see that perfectionism was never about being perfect, but rather just another mundane identity game. All from fear and insecurity.
To round this post out with how I am feeling and going overall; I am enjoying increasing simplicity in how I think and feel about Actualism and the method, what I can do about it in this moment, and the tools I have to work with. For example, I am becoming more obsessed with simplicity itself in thinking. Not letting myself get caught up in long considerations, letting it all “simmer” on the back burner if nothing is obvious about any topic. The main goal is to be more and more aligned with “benevolence and benignity “, aka pure intent. The life devotional goal.
Thus any consideration of ADHD, or any of the other things I have come to consider as being significant in my ‘self’, are interesting and useful but no longer carry the intellectualism with it’s belief in finding “reasons” and creating elaborate stories.
I also quit drinking alcohol 1.5 weeks ago after drinking constantly for 6 years. (At least a 6 pack a night, but often more and harder ).
Andrew: Small update, with a question or two for others!
First to the questions; has anyone looked into ADHD or has ADHD? (…)
Watching a few videos, I really saw that the traits match my MO in many ways.
Hi Andrew,
I personally don’t know much about the condition called Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder, only that applying this label has put a large number of people, especially children, on a psychiatric drug regiment, whereas in previous generations a great amount of physical activity seems to have taken care of the abundant energy young people have. I am aware that this is a non-professional and very simplified summary but it might nevertheless work for you. Sophisticated psychological labels tend to put you in a specific box and generally are not helpful to examine the reasons which prevent you from feeling good.
I also remember that ‘Vineeto’, when ‘she’ studied social work at university and learnt about all sorts of psychological/ psychiatric disorders, ‘she’ was curious and eager to find out if they fitted to ‘her’ as well – a common ‘self’-centric reaction.
For the aim of feeling good, come what may, it is more useful to individually respond to the factual personal observations you have described below and then assess each moment if what prevents you from feeling good now in terms of being silly or sensible – and then get back to feeling good.
Andrew: I can barely sit still for 15 minutes (unless I am interested, then an hour is possible, maybe!). Never have been able to. Will daydream constantly, procrastinate to the last minute, every time, constantly distracted, can become obsessed in an interest, only to drop it.
Most jobs I have had have lasted between 6 months to 2 years, the longest was 4 years.
Constantly bored from the earliest years unless I could completely get lost in drawing, cubby building, music or fantasy.
For instance, when you discover a certain pattern in your behaviour you can investigate possible underlying reasons – a habitual response or a certain feeling you are perhaps trying to avoid or shying away from and go from there. Perhaps running away from uncomfortable feelings has been a long-standing habit (perhaps an acquired survival mechanism at an early age) and you may find, on closer inspection, that such avoidance is no longer necessary now that your life-circumstances have changed, i.e. you are no longer a helpless child or youngster, and never will be again.
Andrew: To round this post out with how I am feeling and going overall; I am enjoying increasing simplicity in how I think and feel about Actualism and the method, what I can do about it in this moment, and the tools I have to work with. For example, I am becoming more obsessed with simplicity itself in thinking. Not letting myself get caught up in long considerations, letting it all “simmer” on the back burner if nothing is obvious about any topic. The main goal is to be more and more aligned with “benevolence and benignity “, aka pure intent. The life devotional goal. (…) (link)
What stands out in this paragraph is the description of “becoming more obsessed” as if “not letting myself get caught up in long considerations” is another psychiatric disorder instead of a beneficial change, which you can appreciate and for which you can pat yourself on the back.
While it is great to have a “life devotional goal”, why not start with something more easy and simple – feeling good – with the sincere intent to be more and more happy and harmless and making enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive the first “devotional goal”.
It seems to work well so far and bears some tangible results.
Cheers Vineeto
Thanks Vineeto,
Indeed, the opinion that what is now called ADHD is, rather than a disorder, a symptom of
and increasing activity would be beneficial is the background opinion I had, that with the increased demands on children since being seated in classrooms and being forced to be quiet etc , that it was not the child but the system at fault.
I don’t have a strong opinion on it today, except that the outcome of letting it be a possibility, especially the possibility that beyond normal restlessness, there is progressively more extreme restlessness tendencies. The explanation I watched was that it’s regarded as an impairment in the dopamine networks in the brain.
Whether it’s truly a disorder in actuality, I obviously can’t know. That it had a long list of symptoms which lined up with me, I definitely do know!
As I have spent decades in the office, it’s been something I often pondered watching my colleagues concentrate for what seems like hours!
I was never physically hyperactive though.
Regarding the goal, as in the pure intent passages under the front page warnings to have pure intent in place, I am seeing it all as one thing in my mind. I feel good in the simplicity of that. I do have to extend myself a bit to allow the “palpable life force” descriptions into the mix, but that extending is expressed in allowing space for more, rather than believing.
Recently, reading the description of a PCE posted the other day, I recognised the “drawing in” to the fact and experience of this moment being the only moment. At least 3 times I have felt that “drawing in” over the years. I had not connected that experience with the fact of this moment being an eternal moment.
I particularly enjoyed that connection, as it is very simple to remember and reorient myself towards, that enjoyment and feeling good happens only now, in this moment, and there only is this moment.
Cheers
Andrew
If this is true, as in what I most likely could be diagnosed with, ADHD,is not a disorder, but a “square peg in round hole” situation, then the obvious test is to get a lot more active all the time!
To “lean into” what I am wired to do. I can’t deny all those tendencies are there, but what exactly is the goal here? Is it to sit around? Why would sitting around be more free than not?
Anyway, worth leaning into . I have some “squirrels” to catch.
Hi Andrew and Vineeto,
It is an interesting topic to me, this (lately popular) thing of “neurodivergence”, it’s certainly become part of pop culture now. Are these tendencies simply ‘positions’ one can occupy within the human condition or do they relate to actual conditions.
I had a brief PCE the other day whilst glimpsing into a mirror in a hotel room. I didn’t give the repercussions too much thought initially but then later on it struck me that in that brief experience not only was there no longer an ‘inside / outside’ distinction of any kind but ‘I’ was nowhere at all to be found, actuality is a different world altogether.
If I was to describe myself in those neurodivergence terms I would say I am leaning towards the autism side (slightly), and yet in that PCE I don’t think any of that at all would have remained, simply because both the persona and the world ‘he’ resides in simply vanished for the duration of the seeing - rather magical!
But then again I do notice the seemingly fixed ‘positions’ that the various ‘I’ occupy within the human condition. Andrew you always reminded me of my mum actually, and I did mention the other day to her that I see some potential ADHD like traits in her, which underpin what she always called “the devil that gives me energy / purpose”, she doesn’t mean it as ominously as it could be read 
.
But it’s that sense of being “all over the place”, not for a lack of a sharp intellect but rather because attention is not moderated correctly. I understand it to be a deficit in executive function, which means one is blown at full speed in whichever direction the ever changing winds currently take one, rather than being able to retain 1 course.
But then again could this be simply a habit one has allowed to run one’s life since forever? It is enticing for an ‘I’ to turn it into some popular definition, it gives ‘me’ another outline, it might even foster a sense of belonging and perversely solidify ‘me’ even stronger.
So no solid conclusion from me here, just some observations.
It does seem though reading your words lately Andrew that this “all over the place” tendency has significantly diminished. I find your writing now rather down to earth and easy (and therefore pleasant) to follow.
Oh just a quick anecdote of my “autistic lean” which happened just before I went to write my post to you. I arranged to meet some training partners today for a session to (amongst other things) burn off some calories after the festivities. I joked to them that I am currently sitting at 97kg so they should be careful. One of them replied immediately with “oh on second thought I can’t make it today then”, as a joke! But it flew right past me (but nobody else), I replied with something like - “on no problem see you another time”… It was just a complete failure at detecting a social cue which was so clear and obvious to everybody else in the group chat.
Thanks for the thoughts Kuba!
Part of my curiosity was that at Christmas lunch a family member was recounting how they have been diagnosed on both the autism and AdHD spectrums, I had commented something like, “I want some letters after my name too!” To which the reply came “Oh! You definitely have ALL the letters!”
Like Vineeto pointed out, it’s natural to wonder about all of this as a matter of being a ‘self’ as there is the constant identification going on to sustain ‘me’’.
everyone is going to be on the charts, to some degree. “On the spectrum “ has now become the pop culture adoption as we know.
The fascinating bit will be what remains after becoming free? It sounds bold to say it, but letting all of these things be considered “possibilities “ in terms of symptoms, and how that may be a disorder, or maybe it’s just that society has rules and institutions which some don’t naturally fit into, and perhaps in previous ages, such relentless restlessness of body and mind was an advantage.
I know my boss is ADHD, so obviously that anyone will tell you! Constant movement, always thinking and moving towards dozens of goals. In his case, although he is diagnosed, it is not a disadvantage in terms of “success “.
I find it freeing to be able to take some of the self criticism off myself (and that of those around over the years) bundle it up and go; “adhd bundle of dramas, probably not my fault “ and get on with dealing with the symptoms.
I may go and see what a doctor says about it. If indeed a medication works to increase focus and calm, then I will take whatever “leg up” I am offered.
I may get he response like I did last time “ no, you are just bored and lonely, not depressed! What type of motorcycle are you riding again?”
On the flight back from China I read through Richard’s correspondence on sanity, it was a very fascinating read actually, with the main takeaway being that actual freedom is completely outside of that sanity-insanity paradigm. Of course when viewed from within the real world paradigm it was classified as a severe psychotic disorder in Richard’s case.
But the point being that what I saw (again) in the PCE the other day is that the actual world is a completely new world. ‘I’ exist somewhere in the psyche, ‘my’ world along with the various classifications of where ‘I’ exist within it’s boundaries, it all disappears in the PCE. It is not that ‘I’ am inside and the actual world is outside, both ‘inside and outside’ disappear in the PCE and there is only the actual world. Same with regards to time, that ‘I’ exist within the real world timespan of past-present-future, which itself exists only in the psyche and in the PCE it disappears altogether. So to cut a long story short - all of ‘me’ as well as the various components of ‘my’ world disappear without a trace in the PCE. As it has been said “nothing dirty can get in” - this is indeed the case.
So considering the above it seems rather clear to me that in full actual freedom there would not be a trace of neurodivergence left. Just who would be diverging from what exactly .