Sonya’s journal

So I’ve been lurking, reading some stuff on the forum and replying a little but mostly I find my self stuck in this “fiestyness” which seems to have replaced the sadness to some extent. For example in the past if Kuba were to be firm or “mean” to me my default would be to cry or be sad. Now, I’ve noticed I tend to bite back first and then cry when I feel overwhelmed by the anger :joy::joy:

I’m finding it hard to shift because the anger almost feels productive? Like I’m standing up for myself. It feels like a more protective stance than being sad so I’m struggling see it as silly.

It almost feels like I’m transitioning from a sad little girl to an angry woman which I’d rather not be either :joy::joy: Not to say I’m consistently verbally berating Kuba and enjoying it, but I’m finding my default feeling that comes up when it feels I’m under “attack” is anger.

Not sure if this is this female rage I keep seeing all over tiktok manifesting it’s self…

Poor Kuba 🫶🏼

Ah yes, the age-old dilemma: you can either be sad or be mad, with no in-between.

The key is to see the silliness of both, and then the 3rd alternative – being felicitous – is possible!

I would suggest in any situation where you feel the anger is productive, just consider what it is you actually wanted, whether it was sensible (which it may very well have been), and if it was sensible, would there not have been a different way to handle it, a felicitous way, where you still are firm, stand up for yourself, etc., but without getting angry about it?

Reading how Richard handled the various abuses hurled his way over his years of writing, might help – I can’t imagine anybody would call him a pushover for how he corresponded, yet he was able to do it all without a speck of anger or malice! Why not you, too?


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Yes and my suspicion is that emotion fills the gap that exists because there is no factual grounding for the drama one finds oneself in, at core it is all about feeling.

So a trigger takes place and ‘I’ find myself getting emotional, ‘I’ feel hurt and so ‘I’ feel my emotions (whichever they are) are warranted/justified/righteous etc.

BUT this is where it gets fun, for ‘my’ righteousness in this situation depends entirely on a feeling, let’s say anger in this case. So of course ‘I’ want to hang onto that anger, for if the anger drops there is nothing else to support the drama. It was never grounded in fact so ‘I’ have nothing else to point to, the whole thing will unravel and leave nothing but empty air.

Just like what I wrote here - The "Rift" - #4 by Kub933 :

Which brings me to the next bit - frustration. This whole thing of “come on man, stop being so pedantic” is no less than saying “come on man, simply believe me!”, the frustration is because I want to believe and to be believed and yet I know deep down that if I was to be meticulous then it would become clear that there is actually no substance there, that it is just belief.

The frustration I was experiencing was a cover up for the fact that no substance lay underneath. To let go of the frustration would be admitting to this.

The above isn’t to say that when a situation happens there isn’t some practical considerations blended into the mix, but at core it all happens along the lines of what I have described below, in short it is all about the emotion, about what one felt to be the case - Kub933's Journal - #1004 by Kub933 :

This is where it gets completely ridiculous though, it’s something I have been observing for a while now. Because at this point the structure becomes the absolute, it is the primary concern. When a friend is late to meet me and ‘my’ plans come crashing down, I do not give a shit about the actual events.
The emotions that I am experiencing are entirely because ‘my structure’ is under attack. Somewhere in there ‘I’ confuse the integrity of the structure for actual safety/danger.

This reminds me of when I would get moody as a child and my dad would do whatever to make me laugh, I resisted this so hard for I knew that if he managed to get a smile out of me, that this righteous drama would no longer exist. Without the emotion I would no longer have a reason, as there was never any actual reason.

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And this if anything is testament to the high standards that you end up picking up as an actualist. If only the worst it got (as an overall state of affairs) was a bit of fiestyness every now and then, that’s already above ‘normal’ expectations.

You’re right that anger is a more active emotion than sadness, with sadness you’re just stuck hiding where anger ‘gets things done,’ the problem is then you end up an angry woman as you say, and are causing quite the ruckus in the process! So not a good place to end up.

One option is to redirect that anger towards something more productive, for example being annoyed that we humans haven’t yet completed the mission of being as peaceful as you know we’re capable of (including @Kub933 !) and taking that energy into determination to do something about it. The energy is coming from the same place, but rather than wasting it lashing out at someone else, something might actually be accomplished.

Vineeto uses this approach at one stage to free herself from her past ties to spiritual groups she had been a part of, and I have used it to let go of groups that I had felt beholden to as well. You aren’t a helpless child, but you also don’t have to be a mean adult - you can be a peaceful, confident, and independent person.

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Yeah, maybe when expressing anger or even being assertive as a woman is frowned upon in the environment you grow up in, you learn to suppress it, and it turns to sadness, and you find that sadness and vulnerability are more socially acceptable (even ‘desirable’) reactions. Then when you start to examine yourself, you get closer to the bone and find the anger that was suppressed. It makes sense.

I’m finding it hard to shift because the anger almost feels productive? Like I’m standing up for myself. It feels like a more protective stance than being sad so I’m struggling see it as silly.

It almost feels like I’m transitioning from a sad little girl to an angry woman which I’d rather not be either :joy::joy:

There you go, you already have a reason to see it as silly :smiley: , and it’s not some fancy idea you’ve imported, it’s your own preference. Cool.

In my experience, it’s a good idea to keep sight of that and hold that above any elaborate reasons you might come up with for feeling angry or not feeling angry.


So the snapping at Kuba and the general feeling of irritation has mostly disappeared :slight_smile: I noticed this when my period came as a complete surprise. Usually the couple days before my period I get irritated easily and I tend to snap when Kuba “playfully?” :face_with_raised_eyebrow: interacts with me.

It’s such a cliche, getting moody right before your period starts :rofl: But this time when it came without any prior “meanness” from me, it was a welcome surprise! I genuinely thought to myself “oh but I didn’t snap!” This also carried on throughout the week of my period which I usually will be relatively moody. So yeah, pretty cool!

I think I got to this stage by simply choosing not to be irritated or angry. It’s strange to me how simple it was. I just chose not to bite back. Recently when Kuba and I were having quite an emotional convo (for me at least) I did snap, and I noticed beforehand I made the choice to be mean and angry. It was a split second choice but I definitely noticed it. I wanted to be mean and snap so he felt hurt like I felt hurt in the moment. I know what to look for now and I know I can make the choice not to be that way.

Pretty cool :blush:


Yea! I noticed this at one point for myself too. It’s a choice, taken immediately before!

I found I could just choose not to instead. The result is much better! Any feeling of self-betrayal (as in not doing what ‘I’ felt I wanted to do) quickly vanishes upon seeing how much better choosing not to is.