Sonya’s journal

[edzd]

@Sonyaxx

So from the qoutes you provided of Richard’s writings I understand it as the reason why I feel there is something fundamentally wrong with me is because who ‘I’ am as an identity isn’t actual, I exist as a mix of instinctual passions, roles, rank, etc. I like the use of the word ‘persona’. This is exactly how I feel. Like I am keeping up a persona.

Hi Sonya. I can’t help but to think of another quote:

The cause of sadness and loneliness [aka sorrow] is not, as is commonly believed, alienation from others. The single reason for being alone and lonely is from not being what-I-am. By not being this flesh and blood body just brimming with sensory organs, but being, instead, an identity within ‘I’ am doomed to perpetual loneliness and aloneness.

@Sonyaxx

Like I am keeping up a persona.

I often like to think that to be what I am is very simple and I don’t have to do anything to be it but to be something I’m not is complicated and exhausting. It often lead me to wonder what it is that I’m doing or believing that’s encouraging my participation in this very real feeling imagination.

[Sonyaxx]

That’s so cool!

[Sonyaxx]

Hey Felipe,

And there’s me thinking my silly little thoughts are insignificant

[Sonyaxx]

Hi edzd,

Thanks for the qoute,

@edzd

By not being this flesh and blood body just brimming with sensory organs, but being, instead, an identity within ‘I’ am doomed to perpetual loneliness and aloneness.

This bit initiated a kinda of visceral reaction from me. I immediately saw the identity as Gollum from the lord of the rings It’s a scary thing to look at!

[Kub933]

@Felipe

I think it is a very simple yet very powerful demonstration of naivete, but in the form of feminine sweetness we men so often yearn for.

Isn’t that fascinating, Richard did say that where women go men follow. It is so clear that female preference has an impact on male behaviour, what would happen in a world where happiness, harmlessness and intimacy are women’s top preferences?

[Sonyaxx]

Hi Vineeto,

Thank you for your time in helping me.

Im currently reading the links you’ve provided. I’m struggling to get a grasp on the meaning of ‘affective awareness’ - Is it essentially awareness of your feelings? Could you clarify for me please? Google doesn’t seem to be helping either

@Vineeto

resistance or hesitation regarding a PCE because the implications can seem too much

Logically, I can’t pinpoint any resistance or hesitation regarding remember a PCE. Of course there is a possibility there is something I am doing sub consciously. When I think about why I may not wan’t to remember a PCE nothing really comes up. Why would I not want to remember perfection? More digging may be required here.

@Vineeto

Ah, Sonya, this is wonderful to read. It so reminds me how, when feeling being ‘Vineeto’ met ‘Peter’ the first time, ‘he’ proposed to want to live together in peace and harmony and with honesty look at everything which got in the way of this aim. ‘Vineeto’ thought ‘she’ never heard a more attractive proposal and agreed. ‘We’ had great fun together, to put it mildly.

This is very similar to Kuba and I I remember him telling me about you and Peter. How both of you managed to tackle the challenge of living togehter in peace and harmony. I thought it just made sense! Why can’t we do that? Let’s do it! Remembering this again has brought to a smile to my face. It’s something I need to keep at the forefront my mind.

[Kub933]

@Sonyaxx

Im currently reading the links you’ve provided. I’m struggling to get a grasp on the meaning of ‘affective awareness’ - Is it essentially awareness of your feelings? Could you clarify for me please? Google doesn’t seem to be helping either

I will write too even though we have spoken about this in person, it might provide some reference but also it might become clearer where my explanations didn’t quite do it.

For me it was Claudiu’s explanation that did it with regards to affective awareness. Because I discovered actualism after having spent time doing vipassana meditation and therefore essentially practicing dissociation.

Claudiu’s recommendation was to intuitively sense out the ‘flavour’ of each emotion. That there might be behaviours, thoughts and bodily sensations associated with emotions and yet those are not the emotions themselves.

Emotions are not experienced in the same way that behaviours, thoughts and bodily sensations are experienced, they are experienced intuitively. Each emotion has it’s own affective ‘flavour’, fear has a different ‘flavour’ to love for example.

The task is to become exquisitely aware of just how am I experiencing this moment of being alive, each moment again (which for a feeling being will always be done affectively) Essentially what ‘flavour’ is happening right now? Once this becomes a habit then you will have an affective awareness up and running, which means that cognitive engagement can be applied to whatever else that is going on. Which means that each time this ‘flavour’ changes from the felicitous and innocuous feelings and over to the ‘good’ and the bad feelings you cannot help but be aware, then you have something to look at to find out when, where, why and what for this change took place.

[Vineeto]

Sonya: Hi Vineeto,

Thank you for your time in helping me.
I’m currently reading the links you’ve provided. I’m struggling to get a grasp on the meaning of ‘affective awareness’ – Is it essentially awareness of your feelings? Could you clarify for me please? Google doesn’t seem to be helping either .

Hi Sonya, you are welcome and it is a pleasure to do so.

The reason I emphasized “affective” awareness is because several people misunderstood the actualism method and only paid attention to their thoughts instead of including their feelings which lay behind their troublesome thoughts. The other reason is that, with the large prevalence of Buddhistic practices, dissociation from one’s feelings is very common and then those suppressed feelings make themselves felt somatically, i.e. in bodily discomfort, physical tensions and pain, and they never discover the cause of their discomfort by missing out on affective awareness.

Kuba explained it very well in his most recent message to you (link) but if something is still unclear you are very welcome to ask again – it is better to get it right from the start instead of learning an ineffective pattern which then you might have to unlearn first before applying the correction.

Vineeto: Perhaps it’s a good idea (…) to look for a resistance or hesitation regarding a PCE because the implications can seem too much.

Sonya: Logically, I can’t pinpoint any resistance or hesitation regarding remember a PCE. Of course there is a possibility there is something I am doing sub-consciously. When I think about why I may not want to remember a PCE nothing really comes up. Why would I not want to remember perfection? More digging may be required here.

Ah well, perhaps there is no resistance, it was just a guess. However, I noticed you said “logically”, so there is the possibility of looking emotionally?

Apart from this, the more you enjoy and appreciate being here, the more you are in the perfect position to allow a PCE to happen by naïvely “going boldly where angels fear to tread”, as the saying goes – with adult sensibility of course.

Incidentally, sexual intimacy coupled with naiveté is an ideal opportunity as well to allow a PCE to happen. Richard talks about this in detail here (Richard, List D, No. 20, 9 Dec 2009).

Vineeto: Ah, Sonya, this is wonderful to read. It so reminds me how, when feeling being ‘Vineeto’ met ‘Peter’ the first time, ‘he’ proposed to want to live together in peace and harmony and with honesty look at everything which got in the way of this aim. ‘Vineeto’ thought ‘she’ never heard a more attractive proposal and agreed. ‘We’ had great fun together, to put it mildly.

Sonya: This is very similar to Kuba and I . I remember him telling me about you and Peter. How both of you managed to tackle the challenge of living together in peace and harmony. I thought it just made sense! Why can’t we do that? Let’s do it! Remembering this again has brought to a smile to my face. It’s something I need to keep at the forefront my mind. (link)

I am pleased to read that someone was inspired by ‘Peter’s’ and ‘Vineeto’s’ reports and accepted Richard’s challenge to all when he said “I have always wondered whether it is possible for man and woman to live together intimately; in perfect peace and harmony.” (Richard’s Journal, Article One).

It is indeed a good thing “to keep at the forefront my mind” because this “thing” can give you the perfect confirmation that everything is going swimmingly, and a timely warning when it’s not operating, that you have wandered off the ‘wide and wondrous’ path to being happy and harmless.

Then you stop in your tracks, get back to feeling good (first thing before you start finding blame or reason), and then have a good look what is going on. Just remember that blaming either yourself or the other only serves to strengthen the ‘persona’, whereas sincere inquiry can not only be successful to dissolve the obstacle but turn out to be fun in the puzzle-solving process itself.

Here is how Peter described it –

Peter: “In undertaking any mutual investigation into what it was that caused the perpetual battle of the sexes that we knew so well, we resolved to put any issues that arose ‘on the table’, to discuss them, probe them and make mutual sense of them. By regarding them as the Human Condition, i.e. common to all humans, we were able to largely avoid ‘taking the issue personally’, which had proved the downfall of all previous attempts at discussing sensitive relationship issues. We further resolved that anything one disclosed or discussed would not be used by the other at some later time as revenge or to score points, and this gave us the confidence to dig deeper and explore further than we had dared to before.” [Emphasis added]. (Actualism, Peter, Selected Writings, Living Together, #4)

Be a friend to yourself and appreciate your successes, no matter how small they may appear to you at first glance.

Cheers Vineeto

[Sonyaxx]

Ah, I remember you mentioning it now. Thanks for writing it down. It’s easier to digest.

@Kub933

what ‘flavour’ is happening right now?

Sweetness is a affective ‘flavour’ I experience often when looking at Poncho. I can also pinpoint when I’ve expereinced ‘sourness’ when annoyed.

[Sonyaxx]

Hi Vineeto,

I just wanted to say this is all reallly fun and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to get involved!

@Vineeto

dissociation from one’s feelings is very common

This is something I’ve noticed myself doing in the past alot. I think alot of it has diminished now. However, now when an emotion bubbles up it gets overwhelming and I find it hard to just sit and not express it. Especially a couple days before my period when the bar for my emotional tolerance is very low. It seems to be a common time I find a way to start an argument. Last time it was about who was cooking the minced meat .

In the past I never quite understood what Kuba was talking about since I only felt feelings physcially (heart racing, lump in my throat). However, reading Kuba’s explaniation to me just now it clicked for me and I was able to pinpoint when I’ve had an affective awareness of the feelings. That’s pretty cool to notice .

@Vineeto

Incidentally, sexual intimacy coupled with naiveté is an ideal opportunity as well to allow a PCE to happen. Richard talks about this in detail here

hehehe @Kub933

@Vineeto

Just remember that blaming either yourself or the other only serves to strengthen the ‘persona’, whereas sincere inquiry can not only be successful to dissolve the obstacle but turn out to be fun in the puzzle-solving process itself.

This really hit home hahah. I have a tendency to do this and it never ever gets anywhere. It makes so much sense and yet my default is blame.

@Vineeto

Be a friend to yourself and appreciate your successes, no matter how small they may appear to you at first glance.

I remember speaking to my friend about actualism and being happy and harmless. She said to me ‘remember to be happy and harmless to yourself too!’ I felt so silly, the thought never even crossed my mind.

[Almog]

I remember speaking to my friend about actualism and being happy and harmless. She said to me ‘remember to be happy and harmless to yourself too!’ I felt so silly, the thought never even crossed my mind.

wow that’s such a good advice and I keep forgetting it… when I read it just now - I immediately noticed that I can be more gentle and harmless to myself and felt so much lighter and happy

[Vineeto]

Sonya: Hi Vineeto,

I just wanted to say this is all really fun and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to get involved!

Hi Sonya,

It’s a pleasure to hear, I wish you lots of fun on the way to even more enjoyment and appreciation.

Vineeto: … dissociation from one’s feelings is very common and then those suppressed feelings make themselves felt somatically, i.e. in bodily discomfort, physical tensions and pain.

Sonya: This is something I’ve noticed myself doing in the past alot. I think alot of it has diminished now. However, now when an emotion bubbles up it gets overwhelming and I find it hard to just sit and not express it. Especially a couple days before my period when the bar for my emotional tolerance is very low. It seems to be a common time I find a way to start an argument. Last time it was about who was cooking the minced meat .

Oh dear, and it is such fun to cook together! When an emotion bubbles up, the first thing is that you get back to feeling good, without expressing or suppressing the feeling, both action would give it more energy. What most helps to get back to feeling good is the realization that you are wasting this precious moment by being emotional when you could be feeling good instead. Only when you feel good again, then you sort out and look into what has just been happening.

It may look a bit difficult at the start but most the time it’s a (silly) habitual reaction like blaming yourself of the other, trying to push the feeling away or wanting to act it out. All these increase the energy of the feeling itself. If you can stop yourself acting habitually just for a short moment, the feeling will decrease (because you are not feeding it).

Sonya: In the past I never quite understood what Kuba was talking about since I only felt feelings physically (heart racing, lump in my throat). However, reading Kuba’s explanation to me just now it clicked for me and I was able to pinpoint when I’ve had an affective awareness of the feelings. That’s pretty cool to notice .

That is cool, and you patted yourself on the back right away too – appreciation is a multiplier for enjoyment.

Vineeto: Just remember that blaming either yourself or the other only serves to strengthen the ‘persona’, whereas sincere inquiry can not only be successful to dissolve the obstacle but turn out to be fun in the puzzle-solving process itself.

Sonya: This really hit home hahah. I have a tendency to do this and it never ever gets anywhere. It makes so much sense and yet my default is blame.

Yes I know, most people do it automatically. But because it is only a habit and not a deeply ingrained one, it’s easy to discard this behaviour the moment you notice it (like wiggling your toes).

Vineeto: Be a friend to yourself and appreciate your successes, no matter how small they may appear to you at first glance.

Sonya: I remember speaking to my friend about actualism and being happy and harmless. She said to me ‘remember to be happy and harmless to yourself too!’ I felt so silly, the thought never even crossed my mind. (link)

Ha, that’s what well-meaning friends are for. Most children are dutifully trained to be hard on themselves (unless they are spoilt) and become useful members for society, and this inculcated training takes on a life of its own. Devika, Peter and myself had a conversation with Richard in 1997 on this topic which Richard recorded and transcribed (Audiotaped Dialogues, Silly or Sensible). It contains some other useful tips as well.

Enjoy.

Cheers Vineeto

[Felipe]

@Kub933

Isn’t that fascinating, Richard did say that where women go men follow. It is so clear that female preference has an impact on male behaviour, what would happen in a world where happiness, harmlessness and intimacy are women’s top preferences?

Yeah, it’s interesting how actualism can play out here.

I think, generally speaking, men can resonate more with the autonomy part of actualism, whilst women do so with the interpersonal harmony part, and that’s a symptom on how things work in the real world.

For instance, what my friends of the male camp dread the most about women is the loss of freedom in their marriages (as in “I can’t play my video games or hang out with my friends anymore”). And, without being married, this has been traditionally one of my main issues in my past relationships as well.

This happens because, as far as I understand from the research on this, women tend to test the loyalty of men in different covert and overt ways, as they naturally have theirs and their offspring’s longer term interest in mind.

Therefore, men basically resent the idea of leaving their boss at work only to meet their “boss” at home, and this sense of compounded duty creates a huge tension in married couples, as far as I’ve noticed.

So, what if women could question their biologically inherited emotional need for loyalty, and tap more into the autonomy part of actualism while naively keeping their harmonious dimension? That could significantly lighten the burden on men, so they could be freer to tap into the harmony with their partners more.

Likewise, men who tap more into the harmony aspect of actualism, and stop resenting spending more time with their partners, could lighten women’s burden, and they could be freer to be less testing or controlling, and so on.

Anyway, just a thought on a single way this could manifest.

[Kub933]

@Felipe

So, what if women could question their biologically inherited emotional need for loyalty, and tap more into the autonomy part of actualism while naively keeping their harmonious dimension? That could significantly lighten the burden on men, so they could be freer to tap into the harmony with their partners more.

Likewise, men who tap more into the harmony aspect of actualism, and stop resenting spending more time with their partners, could lighten women’s burden, and they could be freer to be less testing or controlling, and so on.

Awesome, I can say this is exactly what me and Sonya have done, you described it really well. Indeed the challenge for me (as a man) was to allow intimacy and the challenge for Sonya (as a woman) was to stand on her own two feet, the outcome is happiness, harmlessness and freedom for both.

[Sonyaxx]

@Vineeto

Incidentally, sexual intimacy coupled with naiveté is an ideal opportunity as well to allow a PCE to happen. Richard talks about this in detail here (Richard, List D, No. 20, 9 Dec 2009 ).

So, I’ve been reading this over and over again today. All I can say is WOW! . It’s cool to read how much better sex could be, how much more intimate I could be with Kuba.

It was not until after the four-hour PCE, which initiated the process resulting in an actual freedom, that it became obvious to me what such loss of self actually meant. Accordingly, I deliberately set out to induce a PCE via giving myself completely to her – totally and utterly – whilst hovering indefinitely on that orgastic plateau which precedes an orgasm

This bit really got to me, It made me realise how I much I pull back when having sex. There’s a fear of giving myself to him. I feel like I need to hold back. Im not sure why, it might be out of habit from previous sexual encounters with other people where it wasn’t the safest of situations. But I’ve just clocked what I’ve been doing. I do remember clearly one time experiencing the below mentioned “great sex” which was full of sweetness and I was so thrilled with it I immediately told my girlfriends . I think that’s what I need to keep refering back as my reference until I decide to raise the bar.

Magical sex sounds pretty fucking cool haha!

Good sex relates to togetherness. Very good sex relates to closeness. Great sex relates to sweetness. Excellent sex relates to richness. Magical sex relates to actuality.
To explain: togetherness is the companionship of doing things together – be it shopping, cooking, having sex, whatever – and pertains to the willingness to be and act in concert with another. A closeness is where the personal boundaries are expanded to include the other into one’s own space; this is a normal type of intimacy. A sweetness is when closeness entrées a lovely delight at the proximity of the other (although it can veer off into affection, ardency, love, oneness). A richness (aka an excellence experience) is where sweetness segues into a near-absence of agency via letting-go of control and one is the sex and sexuality (the beer and not the doer). Magical sex is where sex and sexuality are happening of their own accord – neither beer nor doer extant – and pristine purity abounds (an immaculate perfection).

[Vineeto]

Vineeto: Incidentally, sexual intimacy coupled with naiveté is an ideal opportunity as well to allow a PCE to happen. Richard talks about this in detail here (Richard, List D, No. 20, 9 Dec 2009 ).

Sonya: So, I’ve been reading this over and over again today. All I can say is WOW! . It’s cool to read how much better sex could be, how much more intimate I could be with Kuba.

Richard: It was not until after the four-hour PCE, which initiated the process resulting in an actual freedom, that it became obvious to me what such loss of self actually meant. Accordingly, I deliberately set out to induce a PCE via giving myself completely to her – totally and utterly – whilst hovering indefinitely on that orgastic plateau which precedes an orgasm.

Sonya: This bit really got to me, It made me realise how I much I pull back when having sex. There’s a fear of giving myself to him. I feel like I need to hold back. I’m not sure why, it might be out of habit from previous sexual encounters with other people where it wasn’t the safest of situations. But I’ve just clocked what I’ve been doing. I do remember clearly one time experiencing the below mentioned “great sex” which was full of sweetness and I was so thrilled with it I immediately told my girlfriends. I think that’s what I need to keep referring back as my reference until I decide to raise the bar.
Magical sex sounds pretty fucking cool haha!

Hi Sonya,

It’s really fortuitous that you discovered that you don’t “need to hold back” in sexual intimacy – it is a wonderfully amazing way to explore intimacy and naiveté and experience instant tangible rewards. “Great sex which was full or sweetness” gives you the perfect motivation to have more of it, and take notice and then decline the emotional obstacles that could prevent experiencing such sweet intimacy again and again.

Don’t get discouraged when you discover some feelings of wanting to pull back, or some fear of going too far – this is only natural because sexuality has been for centuries accompanied by the strongest religious/ spiritual and social taboos. It is the most delicious and most straight-forward way to lose one’s ‘self’.

That’s when magical sex happens.

Richard: Good sex relates to togetherness. Very good sex relates to closeness. Great sex relates to sweetness. Excellent sex relates to richness. Magical sex relates to actuality.
To explain: togetherness is the companionship of doing things together – be it shopping, cooking, having sex, whatever – and pertains to the willingness to be and act in concert with another. A closeness is where the personal boundaries are expanded to include the other into one’s own space; this is a normal type of intimacy. A sweetness is when closeness entrées a lovely delight at the proximity of the other (although it can veer off into affection, ardency, love, oneness). A richness (aka an excellence experience) is where sweetness segues into a near-absence of agency via letting-go of control and one is the sex and sexuality (the beer and not the doer). Magical sex is where sex and sexuality are happening of their own accord – neither beer nor doer extant – and pristine purity abounds (an immaculate perfection). (link)

Cheers Vineeto

[Sonyaxx]

I had an “ah ha!” moment last week as I was driving to dance class. The sun was shining and just starting to set, I had my music on, window down, and the golden sunlight shining through the window was marvelous. I found myself thoroughly enjoying all the sights and sounds. It made me feel giddy with happiness. This feeling carried on through out my drive to the studio, then all a sudden I realised things were happening on its own with out me “choosing” to? It was like I noticed that I was changing gear, breaking, accelerating, signaling without choosing to? Like my body was doing things on its own accord without ‘me’ consiously deciding these things. I kinda realised that it was always like this, that ‘I’ haven’t really been making any decisions this whole time and things were just happening. It was almost like the most obvious thing ever

Then I parked up, went into class and had a great time

[Sonyaxx]

It was like I was autopilot but aware I was on autopilot. Whereas in the past when I would be on ‘autopilot’ I would also be in fantasy land somewhere in my head. This time felt significant cause I was firmly right here.

[Sonyaxx]

Basically, all this made me really start to wonder if ‘I’ am really needed.

[Vineeto]

Sonya: I had an “ah ha!” moment last week as I was driving to dance class. The sun was shining and just starting to set, I had my music on, window down, and the golden sunlight shining through the window was marvelous. I found myself thoroughly enjoying all the sights and sounds. It made me feel giddy with happiness. This feeling carried on through out my drive to the studio, then all a sudden I realised things were happening on its own with out me “choosing” to? It was like I noticed that I was changing gear, breaking, accelerating, signaling without choosing to? Like my body was doing things on its own accord without ‘me’ consciously deciding these things. I kinda realised that it was always like this, that ‘I’ haven’t really been making any decisions this whole time and things were just happening. It was almost like the most obvious thing ever.
Then I parked up, went into class and had a great time. (link)

Hi Sonya,

This was a great “‘ah ha!’ moment”. Keep it in mind – the more you remember that “things were happening on its own with out me “choosing” to” the more you can safely allow things happening on their own and be done much better without ‘you’ interfering.

Richard: This body is eminently competent in functioning autonomously: the stomach tells the brain (wherein lies the will which, with its data-correlating ability, is nothing more grand than the nerve-organising organ of the body) when it is empty. The stomach secretes a chemical when unoccupied which triggers a receptor in the brain that gives rise to a sensation humans ignorantly call ‘I am hungry’. Indeed, tests have been done by people who delight in doing these things, wherein the chemical was injected into volunteers who had just eaten a full meal: the chemical caused them to feel hungry despite their distended stomachs. Thus ‘I’, thinking and feeling that ‘I’ am an important part of the process, step in and incorrectly say: ‘‘I’ am hungry’. ‘I’ am not hungry at all (how can a psychological or psychic entity need corporeal food) … it is that the stomach is simply signalling its emptiness to the brain via the autonomic nervous system.
Likewise the bladder tells the brain when it is full, and so on. When ‘I’ says ‘I want to go to the toilet’, ‘I’ am not busting for a pee at all … the bladder is merely indicating its fullness. Once again, a psychological and psychic entity cannot manufacture physical urine … it is absurd. Furthermore, the empty stomach instructs the legs, via the will function of the physical brain, to walk to the cupboard for food. The eyes, seeing an empty cupboard and thus triggering remembered experience, will advise the legs, via the brain’s organising capability, to walk the body to a shop. An empty wallet will tell the legs to take the body to a bank … and an empty bank account will demonstrate that it is time to get a job (or go on a pension or whatever). I am neither being pedantic nor facetious here … it is actually this simple. Without an ‘I’ and/or ‘me’, one is this very sensuous flesh and blood body being apperceptively aware, living in the actual world of people, things and events … not an ‘I’ and/or ‘me’ living in the grim and glum real world, forever cut off from the magnificence of this luscious actual world by ‘my’ unreal existence, thinking and feeling that ‘I’ have to make responsible and onerous decisions. (Richard, List C, No. 4b, 1 May 2000)

You may remember Richard’s story how the painting painted itself –

Richard: ‘In the years I successfully made a living as a practising artist I never took any notice of the critics’ opinions … indeed, if I had I would never had made a living out of it as my artistic output came about despite both the institutionalised training I received during three years fulltime study at art college and the two years fulltime application of same immediately following graduation (wherein I had to teach art part-time of an evening to supplement my then-meagre income).
It was only when ‘I’ got out of the way and the painting painted itself, so to speak, or the drawing drew itself/ the sculpture sculpted itself/ the pottery formed itself (and so on) that craft – all the painstakingly acquired skills – became art.
I clearly remember the opening night of my first one-man exhibition (in a major city of this country I reside in): it virtually sold-out on that first night and, of course, being the star of the show ‘I’ was the recipient of the judgements of those assembled who chose to voice their opinion … yet what they did not realise, as only ‘I’ knew how that artistic output came about, was that their opinion was of no value to ‘me’ whatsoever either one way or the other.
The opinion of another identity did not mean a thing either’. (Richard, AF List, No. 90a, 3 Jul 2005).

… and ‘he’ then wished to live life in the same way –

Richard: ‘… all art is initially a representation of the actual and, as such, is a reflection funnelled by the artist so that he/she can express what they are experiencing in order to see for themselves – and show to others – what is going on ‘behind the scenes’ as it were. However, when one is fully engrossed in the act of creating art – wherein the painting paints itself – the art-form takes on a life of its own and ceases to be a representation. It is its own actuality. One can only stand in amazement and wonder … this is what ‘I’ experienced back when I was a normal person.
Thus ‘I’ wished to live ‘my’ life this way – where my life lived itself – and consequently here I am … now’. (Richard, AF List, No. 12a, 2 Feb 1999).

Sonya: It was like I was autopilot but aware I was on autopilot. Whereas in the past when I would be on ‘autopilot’ I would also be in fantasy land somewhere in my head. This time felt significant cause I was firmly right here. (link)

That is a great description – “I was autopilot but aware I was on autopilot”. It refers to the same fascinating occurrence of apperception Richard describes: the mind’s perception of itself.

Richard: Apperception is another ball-game entirely and has nothing to do with any of the above. I take the Oxford Dictionary definition as an established ‘given’: ‘apperception is the mind’s perception of itself’. This means that there is not an ‘I’ being aware of ‘me’ being conscious, but it is an un-mediated awareness of itself. Thinking may or may not occur … and apperception happens regardless. Thought does not have to stop for apperception to happen … it is that the ‘thinker’ disappears. As for feelings in apperception; not only does the ‘feeler’ disappear, but so too do feelings themselves.
Apperception is the direct – unmediated – apprehension of actuality … the world as-it-is. (Richard, List B, No. 20, 28 Feb 1998).

Sonya: Basically, all this made me really start to wonder if ‘I’ am really needed. (link)

Indeed, and once you begin to wonder if ‘you’ are really needed, you put the first nail in the coffin of ‘me’ and ‘my’ importance. Then seriousness falls by the wayside and being alive in this modus operandi becomes more and more easy and fun.

Cheers Vineeto