Sonya’s journal

[Kub933]

Hi Sonya ,

@Vineeto

I do suspect you have a very vague memory of one or more PCEs because you said that you “feel there is something fundamentally wrong with me”, and in the next paragraph below you say that “I like the use of the word ‘persona’. This is exactly how I feel. Like I am keeping up a persona.” To feel there is something “wrong with me” there must be a benchmark to what would be right with you in comparison, something actual.

I suspect something like this also, because of the fact that when you first heard of actualism there was some kind of a “hook” there. For example when you first heard me say that I am not interested in pursuing love you did not run for the hills but rather considered that there might be a “better way of doing things”, when the ‘normal’ ways of relating were being progressively broken down you also remained interested. It seems to me that your native intelligence could always recognise that there is “something more to life” and that actualism is the way to locate it. In a way you have been doing it already but without a clear goal.

Without a firm and unwavering goal it has been difficult to get things going consistently, a memory of a PCE would provide this exactly. As Vineeto wrote there must be some frame of reference that you are using in order to recognise these things. Essentially why would you remain interested in such a “weird” endeavour (as seen from ‘reality’) if deep down you didn’t recognise that there is something more to life.

I wonder if perhaps there is a resistance to remembering a PCE because then ‘you’ would find ‘yourself’ already on the wide and wondrous path, “it would begin” as such, then you would be looking at no1 and no2 squarely in the face.

Establishing a connection to the perfection and purity of the PCE can be a scary thing for ‘me’, ultimately it is a fatal attraction. However as Richard wrote :

In ‘normal’ life one avoids acting in a way that invites scorn from the insensitive philistines, who would rather perpetuate misery than admit they were wrong in their judgement on life, but the time eventually comes when one can stay quiescent no longer. The urge wells up to penetrate into the “Mystery of Life”, to find that ultimate fulfilment, and to achieve peace-on-earth. Pure intent is the highway to this utter freedom, to one’s destiny … and it is a wide and wondrous path.

It seems to me that you are right at that point where - “one can stay quiescent no longer”. You just need to locate what it is exactly that you are aiming for (where you have been proceeding anyways).