Sonya’s journal

[Sonyaxx]

Hi Vineeto,

Thanks for the reply.

@Vineeto

First of all, you will perhaps be relieved to learn that every single feeling being deep down feels that there is something wrong with ‘being’ here, with being ‘me’

This is what Kuba said to me yesterday so it is relieving that someone else has also found that to be the case. I see that just knowing this doesn’t change anything for me but living my daily like enjoying and appreciating being here is the way forward.

@Vineeto

I don’t know how much you read of Richard’s writing, or how much you are interested to read – I can post some quotes here and you let me know if that is explanatory and beneficial for you.

I have read some parts of Richard’s journal a while ago and I did give up on it since I struggled to get a grasp on what he was saying and I also ended up falling asleep trying to comprehend the writings . I think I was content with where I was before so I didn’t have much motivation to read more of Richard’s writings. However, I find myself wanting to do better amd be better now so I am definitely interested in reading.

@Vineeto

‘I’ am fear and fear is ‘me’ and ‘I’ am aggression and aggression is ‘me’ and ‘I’ am nurture and nurture is ‘me’ and ‘I’ am desire and desire is ‘me’.

This confuses me. Is this saying that the instinctual passions such as the fear, aggression, nurture is what ‘I’ am as identity? Like the building blocks that creates what I am? Is that why I feel like there is something ‘wrong’ with me? Because I am always acting via the instinctual passions?

@Vineeto

This is why I stress the importance of remembering one of your PCE’s

Unfortunately I cannot remember a PCE.

@Vineeto

is the persistent feeling of being an identity inhabiting the body: an affective ‘entity’ as in a deep, abiding and profound feeling of being an occupant, a tenant, a squatter or a phantom hiding behind a façade, a mask, a persona

So from the qoutes you provided of Richard’s writings I understand it as the reason why I feel there is something fundamentally wrong with me is because who ‘I’ am as an identity isn’t actual, I exist as a mix of instinctual passions, roles, rank, etc. I like the use of the word ‘persona’. This is exactly how I feel. Like I am keeping up a persona.