Sonya’s journal

Journals
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Decided to have a little go at journaling on here and not worry too much about writing like a 20 year old :joy:

So today I had a really long argument with my mum about pretty much the same thing on what we always argue about, my safety and being a young woman in this big world full of scary men. I recently was successful in two auditions for different dancing/performance agencies and I was really excited to tell my parents about it, I was hoping their response would be more excited and happy for me but as always the response my mum gave me was all about fear for my safety and well-being since I’m apparently quite young to be in this industry despite me providing her with all the facts that I am as safe as I could possibly be when performing in clubs. What really clicked for me just now is how much her beliefs about the world distorts her perception of the world to be such a scary and dangerous place and no matter what facts I gave her she would still find a way to feel fearful. I realised that from the outside I can see so clearly how her fear and beliefs was so ridiculous and thought about how my fears and beliefs are the same way, yet from the inside it can be so hard to see sometimes that when Kuba seeing it clearly on the outside and challenges my beliefs I’ll still find anyway to justify my fear. I’ve always kind of didn’t want to admit that I was doing this because I felt like abandoning the fear was also abandoning the circle of womanhood and almost “betraying” the suffering that women have gone through at the hands of a lot of men. It’s almost like I feel like I have a duty to them to keep the fear alive and if I don’t it’s like I’m invalidating the anger that women have. I’m actually able to see this more as silly now but still got a bit to go :slight_smile:

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I’m also realising part of the reason why I fight with Kuba challenging me is because part of me doesn’t want a man to be right or having the belief that seeing that he is right is him having some kind of power over me as a woman

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So I’m quite happy with how I dealt with my feelings yesterday when I got upset with Kuba looking at other barely dressed women on Instagram straight after we had sex. We were able to talk about it without me being overwhelmed by my feelings and bursting into tears and I was able to see the silliness and the beliefs behind why it made me upset when In actuality he wasn’t doing anything “wrong” or malicious in the context of our situation. I noticed that I was scared of him being interested in other women with a completely different body type than what I have and that he would leave me for someone with that body type because I wasn’t “enough” for him. It also made me feel like I wasn’t enough for him considering we just had some pretty intense sex. But as we spoke about it I was able to see the situation clearer past my fears and I saw that Kuba enjoying and appreciating other women’s bodies was not him withdrawing from me and our intimacy. It was simply just enjoying and appreciating someone attractive and my fears weren’t based on anything solid. I also had the belief that if Kuba cared about me he wouldn’t do these things knowing it would upset me but when he asked me “if I got upset that you wear short skirts, would you change your behaviour”, it really helped me see the silliness of my belief.

I think also my fears also come from my social conditioning as a women where there’s so many signals from social media and society telling me to look a certain way and if I don’t look that way then I’m not desirable enough to keep a man and He will end up leaving me and I’ll be left all alone :joy: but I’m also realising it’s impossible to keep up with these standards and worrying about how maybe I’m not the right kind of sexy is so silly. Why would I put myself through the torment of trying to be curvy but slim or cute but sexy. I think there’s still some resentment there of not being able fit into all those categories. Also now thinking about why I’m scared of being alone… I’ll visit that one later :slight_smile: time to order some dessert :yum:

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Thanks for sharing @Sonyaxx :+1:

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It’s been a while since I’ve written something here but recently I’ve noticed myself falling back to repressing my feelings again. I’ve had a lot of trouble sleeping lately, some of it related to too much caffeine and not doing much during the day (if finished uni and it’s summer holidays) but mostly I’ve noticed a lot of anxiety when I’m trying to fall asleep as my brain plays out different scenarios and I’m thinking about things that have gone on through out the day. I noticed my anxiety manifesting a lot through physical feelings such as my heart racing or an uneasy feeling in my stomach which I tried to “fix” by ignoring it or deep breathing which never really helped. Last night I decided not to repress it and I immediately started crying, it wasn’t like how it usually was before where my tears would escalate and the emotions would get too much but I definitely felt a intense sadness and loneliness. I realised that a lot of my anxiety stemmed from the fear of being on my own or someone no one cares about or being disposable, especially in my relationship. I noticed that I was so scared of Kuba and I losing intimacy and thus, being uninteresting to him or disposable, which came out recently as he’s recently been playing his new video game or napping which I took as us drifting apart or me not being “good enough” for him. I seem a bit stuck with my fear of being abandoned and insecurities, especially placing my value on how my partner interacts with me.

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It’s quite interesting how the same bunch of events can be experienced so differently by 2 people in close proximity. So I wrote about my recent experience with the game here which might be useful for you to contrast with what you experienced and wrote about - Kub933's Journal - #119 by Kub933

Ultimately the events are completely unrelated to you and yet ‘something’ is turning the situation into being 100% to do with you.
It seems to me that the whole abandonment theme is that ‘something’.
Maybe as you currently have plenty of free time, it is the perfect opportunity to get stuck into exploring this thing and resolving it once and for all? :muscle:

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I think also some of it was previous little events and situations in the past couple weeks that has also added up which has also led to my fear of us drifting apart and being abandoned. I can’t quite put my finger on what this “something” might be just yet which makes me turn the situation to be about me.

Right now thinking about it I think that I feel a responsibility about how people interact with me. Like how they react with me is based on my value as a girlfriend or friend. So I believe that if you are more interested in playing video games/being on your phone/napping this must mean I am not good enough to be around, like I must be more interesting or more fun to be around. Instead of seeing it as you just enjoying your video games or napping, I turn it into you enjoy it more because you don’t enjoy me enough because I am not enough. I’m not sure if this makes sense :joy: I’m currently just word vomiting to try make sense of it

I think I also realised that I have an anxious attachment style with you where if certain things aren’t reciprocated I feel myself overthinking and spiralling into anxiety. I see the lack of time spent with me (conscious :joy:) as me not being good enough to spend time with rather than you just being tired. I switch the situation around to be on me because I take responsibility on how you act around me.

I’m not sure why I feel responsible for how you act around me and how much time your willing to spend with me. Maybe it’s because I feel like as a girlfriend it’s my role to keep you interested and excited within our relationship? That might be it actually. It’s my “role” as a girlfriend and the beliefs that come with it that means I take responsibility for your actions. Which also means that if I “fail” that responsibility of being a fun/exciting/interesting girlfriend you will lose interest and we will lose our intimacy. Whereas if I get rid of this responsibility and role of being a girlfriend it means that how you act towards me isn’t based on my value and there wouldn’t be any fear of being abandoned if I don’t hold the responsibility of “keeping you”

Again not sure if I’m on the right track, just trying to figure it out right now :slight_smile:

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The other thing about intimacy might be worth mentioning too. Because I suspect in this instance when you mention loosing intimacy it’s actually referring to loosing love.

It is love that needs constant stimulus to stay alive, and it is love that is dependent on the others temperament not intimacy.

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In the previous post I wrote “the events are completely unrelated to you” there’s something I don’t like about that statement. I think as feeling beings we are very intertwined, especially when in a relationship so it is not possible for things to be completely unrelated.
I am more trying to refer to this action of feeling someone out and then interpreting whatever feeling is perceived to be your responsibility to solve.
E.g if I am teaching a martial arts class and my student is yawning and seems bored, because of my beliefs around the role of ‘coach’ I will interpret the situation to be happening because I am a ‘bad coach’, I will jump the gun on this every time because I am so scared of ‘being a bad coach’. Then of course I will see another student that is super excited to learn what is being shown and then feel I must be a ‘good coach’! Which one is ‘right’ ?:laughing: :man_shrugging:.

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I’ve often experienced a sense of feeling like I should be ‘doing something’ to entertain my partner, any dip in mood for them or any boredom is something that it is my personal responsibility to assuage. Similarly, any boredom or mood dip I experience is somehow related to them - in fact I have a partner for the purpose of feeling good! If I’m feeling bad it must therefore be somehow something they’re doing or not doing.

With actualism it’s remembered that it’s always up to me how I feel. If it’s up to you how you feel, then you’re free to ask yourself, from a sensible platform, what is happening between you, what you want to do with them, and perhaps what you might ask of them. But it’s not to make you feel a certain way. That part is completely your own to take care of.

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Found these hibiscus today! Didn’t know the closed at night :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Hey @Sonyaxx, I’ve found your personal investigations really nice to read. I like how you are direct and open about what you are feeling, including the who/what/when/where/why of it all. It can be hard on an open forum to be personal - it takes courage and sincerity. I think I might take something from your approach here…lately I am finding simple/honest works a lot better than analysis and intellectualisation. Really cool stuff :slight_smile:

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Thanks @Felix :slight_smile: I find that when I write this way it’s hard for me hide behind the bullshit and I am able to have more clarity about what to investigate. I still struggle to write more often tho :joy: I get a little intimidated but I tend to write when something comes up that is quite intense and a big issue which needs the clarity of typing it out to help me figure out what’s going on :slight_smile: cx

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So today I had my first ever proper photoshoot for a skincare campaign so that meant VERY minimal to no makeup and very bright lights so leading up to it I was so nervous, I was scared that all my flaws are now open to the world to see. Fast forward to the end of the day and I had an absolute blast! Realised that no one cared about the pimple that decided to appear on my forehead last night and that letting go of my insecurities really let me be free to have such a good time today. It was all giggles and laughs today, not worrying about looking silly or ugly.

I also noticed that because I was having such a blast the client and photographer really picked up on that and enjoyed my energy and genuine smiles! The whole day I didn’t worry once on how I looked, and because of that I could have so much fun and actually enjoy myself!

Honestly so blown away from how I felt last night not being able to sleep very well worrying about how I’d look to during the shoot living my best life :slight_smile: it was nice not to worry about looking perfect when I’m bare faced!

Mindblown :hugs:

Still love my makeup too :slight_smile:

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I’ve also got another dance gig tomorrow night in full glam and a fake ponytail and I know I’ll have just as much fun there too :slight_smile:

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Reading this clicked something that I was always struggling with separating, this whole thing of being ‘perfect’.

Because it seems a bit of a paradox that actualists always talk about this universe being already perfect and yet ‘I’ am forever feeling bad because life is not going in a way that’s ‘perfect’ (apparently).

What I realise now is that when we say things like am ‘I’ the ‘perfect’ man/woman/husband/employee etc what we are talking about is not actual perfection but rather the degree to which ‘I’ appear to others to be living up to the ideal (in this case the beauty ideals). Essentially it is a question of am ‘I’ fooling them and myself sufficiently that ‘I’ get to feel ‘perfect’?

The ideal is taken as the ultimate, it is granted the authority to be the absolute arbiter against which life is now being judged. And of course the ideal being a belief we ALWAYS fall short of it, it cannot be lived as it is not a fact. Some days we get good feelings because we feel on the way to reaching the ideal (hope) and other times we feel bad when we fail to live up to it (despair), all the while actual perfection is taking place.
Yet the ideal is arbitrary, it always comes from the outside, but because ‘the group’ is also given the absolute authority, the ideals it espouses are automatically given credence, they are made absolutes when they are merely beliefs. This works because by becoming a group member I sold out any autonomy and individuality. I gave up the ability to discriminate intelligently and instead I blindly took what ‘the group’ held as ‘true’.

So for me it was am I the ‘perfect’ martial arts instructor? Which means did I feel (by feeling out the reactions of other identities who also support the same ideals) that I successfully ticked enough boxes to appear to ‘be’ that ideal. Of course even if successful this never lasted long due to the reasons above, the ideal can never be lived as an actuality. ‘I’ can only fool myself and others for some time that ‘I’ am ‘that’.

I can see that for a woman there is a whole world of ideals relating to behaviours and beauty, they are the absolutes in this case. What I see now is that the way to resolve this involves 2 things working together.

I need to find that which is perfect, actually perfect. This now becomes something concrete that I can judge whatever ‘perfection’ (ideals) against. At the same time I need to continue poking at these ideals, seeing them for what they are - arbitrary creations. They are secondary whereas actual perfection is primary.
Now the reason this can be super scary is because in doing so I am slowly stepping out of the ‘group’. Am I seriously suggesting that all those revered ideals are made of fluff? That all of it is plainly wrong because there is actual perfection already here, this actual perfection has nothing to do with the ideals because it comes before them. It stands on its own (whether I admit it or not) whereas the ideals require belief to exist.

The cool thing is that I have seen you perfect, the actual Sonya a handful of times and for sure it had nothing to do with make up/lack of make up, that perfection was solid, not dependant on anything. I definitely went off on one here :sweat_smile: Mostly because this was really fun for me to write, so many :bulb::bulb:moments.

Also ‘I’ am struggling with all the scare quotes, getting kinda tedious/confusing to insert all these ‘I’s in the right places :joy:

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I gave up on ‘squotes’ years ago, as it can be assumed that until I announce that I became actually free, it’s ‘me’ writing.

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People rarely care beyond a split second judgement. Once made, it’s back to whatever feelings about themselves are happening.

I had quite a freeing time yesterday when it occurred to me that the house I live in doesn’t actually define me. Of course, someone can judge, but despite that moment, it’s entirely up to me how I feel about my home.

More acutely, my physical appearance can be judged, and I am sure is, but it doesn’t have to result in any good or bad feeling.

Feeling good, at a minimum, is achievable.

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What an eye opening morning I’ve had! Woke up at 5am because of jetlag (I’m currently back home in Malaysia) Did not expect one of my biggest ever beliefs to be dismantled in an hour whilst texting with Kuba :hugs: and wow what a relief!

So for years and years I held on to the belief that men and only men were the biggest problem in the world and if only men changed, then everything would be perfect. Kuba and I had multiple long conversations about this, always resulting in my crying and defending women so strongly. So, when the topic came up this morning i though uh oh here we go again. I was ready to be defensive, to not betray women and all the pain and suffering we go through at the hands of men. But then I decided no, let’s actually listen to what he has to say and then make a decision of what he is saying actually makes sense. I put a side the defensiveness and was eager to hear him out because this issue was something that always made sure I was the sad victim that had no control over my own happiness and I wanted out

So this time the conversation went very differently, I asked questions and made comments which Kuba was able to challenge and instead of coming up with excuses I actually took it in and then BOOM it finally clicked! Like it actually clicked for real! I could see it so clearly. I could see how women run the moral high ground, how we set things, how we are tricky with things, how we are just as confused and lost as men, how much we contradict ourselves and how that has led to aggression between male and female as well as male on male.

And it was such an OMG moment. This was something that I was tied to for so long. One of the biggest and most stubborn beliefs that I held. I need to change to be happy and it wasn’t men’s fault that I wasn’t. I ended up crying again :joy: but not for the same reason. The feeling of a illusion being shattered , especially one so deeply ingrained was so intense, my heart was racing and I physically felt lighter. Even 5 hours later I’m still buzzing! I’m so so so excited to explore it further and knowing I now recognise it as a belief truly gives me a whole new perspective like the fog has been lifted.

I’m ecstatic this issue has finally clicked for me and that battle in my head is now over :blush:

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Haha. How many times have I said this?!!

I’ve come to accept that what is happening is the realisation has sunk in (which can feel really great!), however when it actually starts to make a difference will be later, when the next trigger presents itself and actions are required (mental/physical). Then, the habits and behaviour (mental/physical) are rewiring itself.

Realising is always the start, the change happens over the weeks, months, maybe years that follow.

Good work though, a solid realisation is such a relief.

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