Kub933's Journal

[Kub933]

@Vineeto

You are right, one can’t give the universe anthropomorphic qualities, such as caring for me or not

Reading my own post back I finally see it! That the universe does not have human qualities, this anthropomorphism is so common that it always happens on some level it seems. Of course the universe cannot care or not care. How silly to treat the universe as if a human and then apportion blame or praise… That is like getting pissed off at a rock for being uncaring

What the universe is is perfection and purity but this perfection and purity can only “do human things” as a human being. So this is what is at stake, not the universe itself, that’s like trying to save a rock.

It is the fact that as a human being this perfection and purity can be aware of itself, this is what is so very precious, this is what is at stake and this is unique to human beings only.

So although as a flesh and blood body I am this very universe there is something unique there, in that only as a flesh and blood body is the universe aware of itself!

[Kub933]

• [Co-Respondent]: ‘Richard, could you list as many characteristics as possible that you would ascribe to the universe, please. Such as benign, infinite, wonderful, marvellous, eternal, a veritable perpetuus mobilis etc. As many as possible would be neat to look see. I’m just curious to read what the universe is and therefore what it isn’t from a pure consciousness experiencer.
• [Richard]: ‘The fundament characteristic, or nature, of the universe is its infinitude – specifically having the properties of being spatially infinite and temporally eternal and materially perdurable – or, to put that another way, its absoluteness … as such it is a veritable perpetuus mobilis (as in being self-existent/ non-dependent and/ or self-reliant/ non-contingent and/ or self-sufficient/ unconditional and/or self-generating/ unsupported).
Having no other/ no opposite this infinitude and/or absoluteness has the property of being without compare/ incomparable, as in peerless/ matchless, and is thus perfect (complete-in-itself, consummate, ultimate).
And this is truly wonderful to behold.
Being perfect this infinitude and/or absoluteness has the qualities (qualia are intrinsic to properties) of being flawless/ faultless, as in impeccable/ immaculate, and is thus pure/ pristine.
And which is indubitably a marvellous state of affairs.
Inherent to such perfection, such purity, are the values (properties plus qualities equals values) of benignity – ‘of a thing: favourable, propitious, salutary’ (Oxford Dictionary) – and benevolence (as in being well-disposed, beneficent, bounteous, and so on) … and which are values in the sense of ‘the quality of a thing considered in respect of its ability to serve a specified purpose or cause an effect’ (Oxford Dictionary).
And that, to say the least, is quite amazing.

This is what the universe actually is, without any anthropomorphism needed.

[Vineeto]

Kuba: So sitting out in the garden having a cigarette just now it clicked that ‘I’ cannot self immolate ‘myself’, I can see this clearly that it would mean that ‘I’ remain by the end. I saw this when ‘I’ thought let ‘me’ just try really hard to self-immolate now, like ‘I’ would be the agent doing the self-immolating with great effort and of course it immediately became clear that this is a dead end. It’s like ‘I’ would be the one shifting this heavy load that is ‘myself’ but then of course ‘I’ would remain It would literally be a case of ‘me’ trying to lift ‘myself’ up by ‘my’ bootstraps.
I can see how this kind of ‘trying hard’ (as if ‘I’ am lifting a heavy load that is ‘me’) cannot work and in fact it could lead to actuality mimicking ASCs.
In a way that is good news though! To see that ‘I’ could not possibly do it means that ‘I’ don’t have to worry about that.

I am reminded of Claudiu writing prior to stepping out from control that “allowing it is not a lacklustre approach” (link). So there is some kind of effort that is happening of course but it is not an effort of ‘me’ doing it, rather the effort is for ‘me’ to allow it. It’s a fascinating thing because all ‘my’ life ‘I’ learnt that effort means ‘me’ becoming progressively more passionately involved, that if ‘I’ spin ‘my’ emotional wheels more and more that something will move. And it’s like the whole time with actualism it has been the opposite, the effort has been in ‘me’ getting to a place where ‘I’ agree to get out of the way. It is still an effort though it is just in the other direction.
Ha Felix maybe this will sound familiar?

So ‘I’ can channel all ‘my’ affective passionate energy towards agreeing to get out of the way permanently. It is not about channeling all that energy towards ‘me’ becoming as if a prime mover to self immolation happening.
‘I’ can channel all of ‘myself’ towards allowing ‘my’ own ending, the doing of it is not for ‘me’ to worry about.

Since that experience the other day things have definitely been progressing and I find myself further than I have been before, initially it staggered me a little bit to consider what actual freedom entails. I can see what is meant now that to be fully actually free is to be pure intent personified, which means that one’s character is no different than the character of the infinite and eternal universe itself.

Hi @Kuba,

This is such an enjoyable post I can’t help replying. Since you have seen that ‘you’ cannot immolate ‘your’ self and also because you and Claudiu were wondering how it will be after it happens, I just found the perfect quotes earlier today for both questions –

• [Richard]: ‘After living in the condition of virtual freedom for sufficient time to absorb all the ramifications of a blithesome life, it is highly likely that the ultimate condition can happen. ‘I’ do not make it happen, because ‘I’ cannot make it happen. What is more … ‘I’ am not required to make it happen. An actual freedom happens of itself only when one is fully ready, and not before. One has to become acclimatised to benignity, benevolence and blitheness, because the purity of the actual is so powerful that it would ‘blow the fuses’ if one was to venture into this territory ill-prepared. To precipitously apprehend the vast stillness of infinitude would be too much, too fast, too soon … one could go mad with the super-abundance of pleasure that pours forth’. [emphasis added]. (‘Richard’s Journal’ © 1997 The Actual Freedom Trust. Page: 150).

It looks like with all those wonderful excellence experiences and PCEs you are indeed acclimatising yourself. And you will find that you already know, have always known, the actuality of an actual freedom –

• [Richard]: […] It is a welcome release into actuality. I am finally here. I discover that I have always been here … I have never been anywhere else for there is nowhere else … except illusion and into delusion. The ‘real world’ and the ‘Greater Reality’ had their existence only in ‘my’ fertile imagination. Only this, the actual world, genuinely exists. This exquisite surprise brings with it ecstatic relief at the moment of mutation … life is perfect after all. But, then again, has one not suspected this to be so all along? At the moment of freedom from the Human Condition there is a clear sense of ‘I have always known this’. Doubt is banished forever … no more verification is required. All is self-evidently pure and perfect. Everything is indeed well.
It is the greatest gift one can bestow upon oneself and others. [emphasis added]. (Richard, List B, No. 12, 6 Mar 1998).

Kuba: Initially when I saw that the universe will not force ‘me’ to self-immolate as it is already complete, ‘I’ thought well then why do it? Like if things are already perfect then does it really matter? And ultimately for the universe it does not matter, which is why one does it for this body, that body and everybody. It is still quite weird though because those bodies are ultimately no different than the universe itself and yet they are capable of experiencing the meaning of life, that is what is ultimately at stake. That “invitation to paradise” which I mentioned a while back is handed out to each flesh and blood body. The universe doesn’t ultimately have anything at stake here, the gift is for the flesh and blood bodies to exist in paradise.

So then I was thinking, coming so far out from ‘humanity’, is the motivation to allow self-immolation going to come from this side (actuality) or from the other side (‘humanity’). It’s like the ‘humanity’ side is a place of utter desperation and the actuality side is a place of magical perfection and purity.
I am not sure if it can come from the ‘humanity’ side because ‘humanity’ will be left behind ‘back there’ along with ‘me’. ‘They’ will not be saved when ‘I’ self immolate, in fact ‘they’ will be left in progressively dwindling numbers, huddling in desperation.

Ha so just like the universe is seen to be an uncaring bully by those looking from within the human condition, to abandon ‘humanity’ and proceed to paradise will equally be seen as a betrayal.

You will certainly have to consider yourself a traitor to humanity, but don’t worry, nobody will notice. Feeling beings have the uncanny ability of automorphism to fill the gaps where you don’t provide the psychic and affective requirements to be recognized as one of them. Animals will notice, though, they are neither afraid nor attracted because of the missing vibes.

Your question regarding where the motivation comes from is answered here “An actual freedom happens of itself only when one is fully ready, and not before.” ‘You’ are motivated to get “fully ready” then “an actual freedom happens of itself”.

As for “the universe doesn’t ultimately have anything at stake here” – that is for you to discover experientially when you are the universe experiencing itself as a flesh-and-blood body sans identity. I see that you answered your question already in your next post, how perspicacious!

Ah, it is such fun.

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

@Vineeto

Animals will notice, though, they are neither afraid nor attracted because of the missing vibes.

Interesting, me and @Sonyaxx always wondered why our dog poncho is so nice and calm, it’s something that every person mentions when they meet him, and he is a little Pomeranian so they have a bad reputation usually

Perhaps the virtually happy and harmless vibes are being mirrored in him, this is what I always thought.

Feeling beings have the uncanny ability of automorphism to fill the gaps where you don’t provide the psychic and affective requirements to be recognized as one of them

Yes this is no longer a worry of mine, it was quite an obstruction a few months ago, I was actually noticing this yesterday that I no longer see any issue here. Actually most of the fears surrounding dealing with others turned out to be ‘my’ own projections. In fact it seems that feeling others out and projecting oneself onto others is one and the same thing. I notice this usually after an interaction with someone, where I can look back and see that whatever psychic interaction ‘we’ apparently just had only happened in ‘my’ reality. It is funny/odd that I also know that ‘they’ felt it too though!

[Kub933]

@Vineeto

It looks like with all those wonderful excellence experiences and PCEs you are indeed acclimatising yourself. And you will find that you already know, have always known, the actuality of an actual freedom –

Yes I was thinking this yesterday :

@Kub933

initially it staggered me a little bit to consider what actual freedom entails

This is what happened and it did seem like ‘I’ had to acclimatise to the ramifications of the experience the day prior. I thought of @claudiu’s description of the strong anxiety following the PCE and although it wasn’t an anxiety for me it was more like being faced with just how meaningless ‘my’ life is. Of the fact that ‘I’ will dissolve and would have ultimately meant nothing. It was like ‘I’ couldn’t turn in any way to avoid this seeing, eventually ‘I’ simply allowed it to do it’s thing. It was like acclimatising ‘myself’ to being/always having been redundant.

The interesting part came when I experienced what it is like to “do nothing and be having the time of one’s life”. Richard’s below quote kept coming to mind :

There is nothing except the series of sensations which happen … not happening to an ‘I’ or a ‘me’ but just happening … moment by moment … one after another. To live life as these sensations, as distinct from having them, engenders the most astonishing sense of freedom and magic

But this was also somewhat disorientating, because ‘I’ have arranged ‘my’ life in order to guarantee certain feelings, because ‘I’ cannot simply sit doing nothing and have the time of ‘my’ life, not like the above. So it’s like this whole life that ‘I’ created would no longer be required by this body, and that is ok, it can change where sensible. But it was more the apprehension of the fact that ‘I’ wouldn’t be needed at all, that nothing that ‘I’ have set up would be needed, that nothing ‘I’ do is needed.

[Kub933]

@Vineeto

And you will find that you already know, have always known, the actuality of an actual freedom

This one is like the most ‘frustrating’ thing that it is right at the fingertips and I know it! It’s exactly this sense that I have always known it, it is so familiar in a sense like it is already the case/has always been the case. It’s like living with some weird dementia, like having a word right at the tip of my tongue and yet not quite being able to say it out loud. And it seems like there is no distance at all to be bridged, because actuality is already here, yet it seems just out of reach haha.

[Vineeto]

@Kub933

although it wasn’t an anxiety for me it was more like being faced with just how meaningless ‘my’ life is. Of the fact that ‘I’ will dissolve and would have ultimately meant nothing. It was like ‘I’ couldn’t turn in any way to avoid this seeing, eventually ‘I’ simply allowed it to do it’s thing. It was like acclimatising ‘myself’ to being/always having been redundant.

Hi Kuba,
It looks like you looking on the not-so-bright side just now. You forget that when it’s ‘done’ it was ‘you’ and only ‘you’ who did it so that your body and the people around you can have a ball.
And one can still count the pioneers on two hands.
So, stop complaining !
Cheers Vineeto

[claudiu]

It does seem like the key at this final stage is sensuousness

I reread Geoffrey’s report and noticed that what he had been doing while doing nothing but allowing self-immolation to happen, is reveling in sensuousness and pure intent!

A naive sensuousness is what led to my rock solid PCE that removed any remaining doubts

Sensuousness is the “thing to do” with all my freed up energy

Sensuousness is the gateway into actuality

Sensuousness points and orients me to the actual world

I don’t have to worry or fret about self-immolating or “making progress”. Instead I can be carefree, assured it will happen, so long as I do my part which is reveling and delighting in sensuousness! But I don’t have to do anything other than that, is the point. I don’t have to worry about it, the universe will do it.

It doesn’t mean I can ‘relax’ as in going back to my old ways. That takes me further away. But I can go forward via sensuousness — I don’t know precisely the mechanism of how I will self-immolate but I am really pretty sure that sensuousness will lead to it happening!

[Kub933]

@claudiu

Sensuousness is the “thing to do” with all my freed up energy

Hehe yes that seems a good idea, ‘I’ instead decided to mourn ‘my’ meaningless existence

[Vineeto]

Claudiu: It does seem like the key at this final stage is sensuousness.
I reread Geoffrey’s report and noticed that what he had been doing while doing nothing but allowing self-immolation to happen, is revelling in sensuousness and pure intent!
A naive sensuousness is what led to my rock solid PCE that removed any remaining doubts.
Sensuousness is the “thing to do” with all my freed up energy.
Sensuousness is the gateway into actuality.
Sensuousness points and orients me to the actual world.

I don’t have to worry or fret about self-immolating or “making progress”. Instead I can be carefree, assured it will happen, so long as I do my part which is revelling and delighting in sensuousness! But I don’t have to do anything other than that, is the point. I don’t have to worry about it, the universe will do it.

It doesn’t mean I can ‘relax’ as in going back to my old ways. That takes me further away. But I can go forward via sensuousness — I don’t know precisely the mechanism of how I will self-immolate but I am really pretty sure that sensuousness will lead to it happening!

Hi @Claudiu,

You are exactly right.

Feeling being ‘Richard’ started by deliberately imitating the actual,

[Richard]: Look, ‘he’ was just a simple boy from the farm (not at all sophisticated) and what ‘he’ set about doing, consciously and with knowledge aforethought, was to deliberately imitate the actual – as experienced six months prior in a four-hour pure consciousness experience (PCE) … (AF List, No. 68d, 28 Oct 2005).

and continued to do so via what is now known as the Actualism method –

“The means to the end – an ongoing enjoyment and appreciation – are no different to the end.” (4th scrolling banner).”

And here is Richard’s description of what life is like after actual freedom which is no different to “the means to the end” –

• [Co-Respondent]: ‘Are you conscious now?
• [Richard]: ‘Yes.
• [Co-Respondent]: ‘Conscious of what?
• [Richard]: ‘Primarily, of the infinitude this physical universe actually is … as this flesh and blood body only (sans identity in toto) I am proprioceptively conscious of being just here, right now and, as such, the other somatic perceptions currently in operation – tactile, olfactive, visual, audile – are direct: this skin is savouring the touch, the caress, of the mid-winter ambience; these nostrils are rejoicing in the abundance of aromas and scents drifting fragrantly all about; these retinas are delighting in the profusion of colour and texture and form; these eardrums are revelling in the cadence of tones as their resonance and timbre fills the air.
Further to that this mind, other than the sheer enjoyment and appreciation of being alive as this flesh and blood body, is ambling along in neutral as all the while there is the apperceptive wonder that this marvellous paradise actually exists in all its vast array’. (Abditorium, Mind in Neutral).

You might like this quote for even more marvelling in your sensuous contemplations –

Sensuousness is the wondrous awareness of the marvel of being here now at this moment in time and this place in space. Attentiveness is the fascination of the reflective contemplation that this moment is one’s only moment of being alive – and one is never alive at any other time than now. Wherever one is … now … one is always here … now … even if one starts walking over to ‘there’ … now … along the way to ‘there’ … now … one is always here … now … and when one arrives ‘there’ … now … it too is here … now.
Thus attentiveness is an attraction to the fact that one is always here – and it is already now – and as one is already here and it is always now then one has arrived before one starts. This delicious wonder fosters the innate condition of naiveté (which is the closest one can get to innocence) the nourishing of which is essential if the charm of it all is to occur. The potent combination of attentiveness – fascinated reflective contemplation – and sensuousness produces apperception, which happens when the mind becomes aware of itself.
One is intimately aware that this physical space of this universe is infinite and its time is eternal … thus the infinitude of this very material universe has no beginning and no ending and therefore no middle. There are no edges to this universe, which means that there is no centre, either. We are all coming from nowhere and are not going anywhere for there is nowhere to come from nor anywhere to go to. We are nowhere in particular … which means we are anywhere at all. In the infinitude of the universe one finds oneself to be already here, and as it is always now, one can not get away from this place in space and this moment in time.
By being here as-this-body one finds that this moment in time has no duration as in now and then – because the immediate is the ultimate – and that this place in space has no distance as in here and there – for the relative is the absolute.
In other words: One is already here as it is always now. (Richard’s Journal, 1997, Appendix Five)

Cheers Vineeto

[Vineeto]

Kuba: What the universe is is perfection and purity but this perfection and purity can only “do human things” as a human being. So this is what is at stake, not the universe itself, that’s like trying to save a rock.
It is the fact that as a human being this perfection and purity can be aware of itself, this is what is so very precious, this is what is at stake and this is unique to human beings only.
So although as a flesh and blood body I am this very universe there is something unique there, in that only as a flesh and blood body is the universe aware of itself! (link)

Yes. “What is at stake” here is the universe being able to be apperceptively aware of its own infinitude as unmediated human consciousness, and this is truly wonderful.

Here is my favourite piece of Richard’s Journal, I just couldn’t resist to post it again – it bring tears of appreciation to my eyes each time I read it –

When one lives the magical perfection of this purity twenty-four-hours-a-day; when one has ceased being ‘I’ and is being genuine, one can see clearly that there is no separation between me and that something which is precious. The purity of life emerges from the perfection that wells up constantly due to an immense stillness which is utterly immense in its scope and magnitude. This stillness of infinitude is that something which is precious. It is the life-giving foundation of all that is apparent. This stillness happens as me. This stillness is my essential disposition, for it is the principle character, the intrinsic basis of everything. It is this universe at its genesis. It is not, as it might commonly be supposed, at the centre of everything … there is no centre here. This stillness, which is everywhere all at once, is the be all and end all of life itself. I am the universe experiencing itself as a sensate, reflective human being. (Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Twenty-Five)

Kuba: Hehe yes that seems a good idea, ‘I’ instead decided to mourn ‘my’ meaningless existence (link)

“meaningless existence”, my foot! lol.
Cheers Vineeto

[claudiu]

Hahahaha, here I was thinking and wondering that I had finally figured out the last steps, the thing to do near the end of the journey to become free — sensuousness — that would only apply at this late stage but that I had finally gotten to that point … …

And it’s what Richard had been doing from the very start

Certainly puts a dent in me thinking I am somehow ‘good’ at this

Funnily enough when I did have that rock solid PCE, I wondered if Richard’s 4-hour PCE, that started ‘his’ journey, was of that wondrous nature … as it would explain why ‘he’ went all the way, with that as his guiding light!

It’s not to say I didn’t have PCEs before but that one really stands out …

In any case it doesn’t make sense to beat myself up about it. Its not like I haven’t put a lot of energy into this in the past years! But the human condition is tricky, very wily. It’s more a testament to how tricky it is, when the way to become free is plainly spelled out and still takes so long to fully appreciate it!

Rather than feel bad about it I will use this energy to not waste the opportunity now!

[Vineeto]

Hi Claudiu,

First of all, we all were wasting our time to become free. Even Richard said, once he became free, that he could have done that years ago but procrastinated because he anticipated a difficult period afterwards.

It’s just when it happens, or is about to happen, it seems so easy, so smooth, and nothing really happens except that a phantom ‘self’ disintegrates like a soap bubble, and one wonders what all the fuss was about.

Well, it’s the passions which ‘make all the fuss’, especially the very tenacious passionate instincts for ‘self’-survival. And you nevertheless can pat yourself on the back that you figured it out this far, because the human condition is indeed very “tricky, very wily” and very, very cunning and weird to boot.

Also, everyone needs to figure it out for themselves. Here is what I quoted recently –

Richard: And had I been some other person in some other context the salutary realisation would have been different too … meaning that only the particular person can know what they must do – and they will not know what that is until it happens – and when they do know what to do it will be too late to stop the happening.
Hence all the procrastination – it means the end of ‘me’ – because it can, and will, happen just here right now. [emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, No. 94a, 30 Dec 2005)

I never found a description of Richard’s 4 hr PCE, which set it all in motion but here is one outstanding description where during a PCE he experienced being the senses only –

[Richard]: ‘I remember the first time I experienced being the senses only during a peak experience. There was no identity as ‘I’ thinking or ‘me’ feeling … simply this body ambling across a grassy field in the early-morning light. A million dew-drenched spider-webs danced a sparkling delight over the verdant vista and a question that had been running for some weeks became experientially answered: without the senses I would not know that I exist. And further to this: I was the senses and the senses were me. With this comes an awareness of being conscious … apperception’. (Richard, AF List, Alan, pce)

It’s strange, I only wrote the sequence of the actualism method the way I did in order to give you confirmation that you are definitely on the spot by choosing sensuousness to concentrate on, whereas for you it “puts a dent in me thinking I am somehow ‘good’ at this.”

A well, never mind.

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

@claudiu

It does seem like the key at this final stage is sensuousness

So I have been doing this today and it has been interesting to say the least!

@claudiu

Sensuousness is the gateway into actuality

Indeed allowing sensuousness is inviting actuality, I had so much fun with this earlier. I know it at the instant it happens, the smells, the air on the skin, the sounds etc they are undeniably actual, it is all experienced anhedonically, that is to say there is nothing of affect that is spoiling the experience, it is the senses sensing and the purity of it all is astounding.

It is also incredibly familiar and ordinary, how is it that the very experience of being here as the senses can be so utterly fulfilling, such delicious intimacy with nothing missing at all. It’s not that something was missing and then upon ‘my’ abeyance the gap is filled, rather ‘I’ am the thing that is getting in the way of the perfection and purity that is already here, ‘I’ am the dirty thing.

@claudiu

A naive sensuousness is what led to my rock solid PCE that removed any remaining doubts

I found that the more I revel in sensuousness the more I find myself here where this moment is happening, ‘I’ get closer and closer until it happens and I am already here as the senses. It’s fascinating that sensuousness leads one in the opposite direction from ‘reality’, actuality and ‘reality’ are incompatible. Allowing sensuousness I can observe ‘reality’ peeling back, it becomes less and less relevant until it’s nowhere to be found.

It’s such a fascinating gradient to observe because in the opposite direction, towards ‘reality’, is where ‘my’ dramas become progressively more serious, more seductive, more all encompassing. Indeed going all the way in that direction they are “all that exists/all that counts”.

Then watching it play out in the opposite direction those dramas begin to drop their seriousness, they seem flimsy, all of a sudden there is wonder at the fact that I have been here all along, and where is ‘reality’ now?

So what I have been doing today could be rightly called acclimatising oneself to the perfection and purity of the actual world. It’s allowing it over and over and in all situations rather than reserving it for when the stars align. It makes sense, how else could ‘I’ have the confidence to allow it irrevocably. There is still resistance at this proposition, that from now on life would only be this perfection and purity, it’s kind of funny actually, what more could one ask for and yet ‘I’ resist this haha. But now it is this genuine proposition hanging in front of ‘me’, can ‘I’ allow only perfection and purity. The way ‘I’ demonstrate ‘my’ commitment to this decision is… by allowing perfection and purity each moment again of course

[Kub933]

So when I was just prior to stepping out from control it was the challenge of allowing a more or less ongoing excellence experience, that this was what life was to be like from then on. Now it seems it is a similar challenge but the goal is for perfection and purity to be “what life is to be like” from now on.

[Kub933]

Even so this seems to hit a wall too, a wall that seems to be insurmountable. But that is because it is ‘me’ trying to do it for ‘myself’.

The goal is to allow perfection and purity irrevocably, and ‘I’ simply cannot do it for ‘me’, it’s a dead end!

So yes it can only be altruism, well at least I see that clearly now.

I remember being younger and with my girlfriend at the time watching the insidious horror movie. Where I think the son gets abducted by the ghosts into the ‘ghost realm’ which is full of terrible things of course.
The dad ends up choosing to enter this ghost realm to save his son.

I remember thinking that if she (my gf) was trapped there I would have the immediate courage to go in, and yet without that altruistic motive I would not dare, it was way too terrifying.

[Kub933]

It is fascinating how shifting the focus from doing it for ‘me’ to doing it for others seems to blow through obstructions. I remember this even in the past with very persistent aspects of ‘my’ identity. That ‘I’ could spin around in circles for ever, why would ‘I’ give up this dearly held aspect of ‘myself’ for ‘myself’?

But once the picture became complete and ‘I’ saw the harm ‘I’ was causing not just to myself but to others, then change happened. The possibility of remaining as ‘I’ was, was cut there and then upon seeing the full picture.

It reminds me of Richard’s decision to dissolve the altered state of consciousness after observing that whatever ‘he’ was still putting ‘out there’ as an enlightened being had a chaining effect on his fellow human beings. ‘He’ had to do it even though it must have seemed like guaranteed death on the other side.

I have been thinking about Srinaths report of becoming actually free and what immediately preceded it happening :

At that point I saw my girlfriend lying on the couch and once again I could see that what was separating us was ‘me’. I went out to the balcony and looked down and saw some people walking. I could see that even though everything was nearly perfect that last little bit of ‘me’ was there separating myself from everyone else on this planet and spoiling perfection. The spoonful that weighed a tonne. ‘I’ would roar back into full existence creating havoc for this body and every body, given half a chance. I had to ‘die’ so that this body and every other body could live peacefully. I would need to truly die. The enormity of this dawned on me suddenly like it never had before. The enormity of what I had to give up. It took my breath away. Suddenly I felt a twinge of sadness that emerged from me like a thin pungent streak. But it cut-off abruptly as if in mid-air, still-born.

This is altruism, I periodically have these experiences of a deep caring, of a motivation that is outside of ‘me’, of a willingness to sacrifice ‘myself’ to bring about what I see as so very precious. Whenever these happen it seems like it could happen right now. But so far ‘I’ have pulled back, it’s like it hasn’t sunk in yet that it will be the end of ‘me’. It’s like ‘I’ just want to close ‘my’ eyes and have this storm happen over ‘me’, so ‘I’ am not fully on board yet.

This “closing ‘my’ eyes and waiting for the storm to do its thing” means ‘I’ am still looking/hoping to survive.

[claudiu]

@Kub933

But so far ‘I’ have pulled back, it’s like it hasn’t sunk in yet that it will be the end of ‘me’.

Or maybe rather that it has sunk in, you know it will be the end of you, and you are avoiding this?

[Kub933]

I think you are correct here, the pulling back is because all of ‘me’ is not on board yet and ‘I’ know it will be final. It’s like the slightest flinch at the prospect of ‘my’ self-immolation means that there is a part of ‘me’ that is not in full agreement yet.

So there is value in what I am currently doing which is essentially getting ready to be able to welcome ‘my’ self-immolation with open arms.

This “getting ready” can really show what sincerity is all about haha. As in ‘I’ get to see what it means to be sincerely committed to something. Where every aspect of ‘me’ (no matter how small or big or seemingly insignificant) needs to be aligned to the goal. That is so far from what is normally meant when the ‘doer’ says - ‘I’ am going to do this or ‘I’ care about this etc.

And then on the other hand it seems like ‘I’ am already committed, deeply committed, it’s like the only thing that needs to sink in is that it is actually going to happen now. That it is no longer going to be an idea or some hope or some far out plan, it will be actual which means it will be irrevocable.

It is kinda funny doing these explorations because it seems ‘I’ am always late to the party. It’s like ‘I’ detail something which ‘I’ think is the next thing to do and then ‘I’ realise that this thing is already happening. It’s like these are the ramblings of an entity that is locked out of time.

[Kub933]

So ‘my’ various tools and ‘solutions’ are being knocked down 1 after the other, ‘I’ don’t think ‘I’ have any left now That is a good place to find ‘myself’ in just before doing something ‘I’ have never done before!

There are experiences of perfection and purity consistently happening which show me what the target is. This morning stepping outside for a cigarette it was lightly raining but otherwise quite an ok day for this time of year. Usually ‘I’ would have this kind of aversive response to the rain, but this morning I stepped outside and experienced this body to be locked in with the rest of perfection. Furthermore there was only perfection, the rain, the muddy shoes etc, all utterly perfect. This perfection which is everywhere all at once gives rise to a magical fairytale-like ambience. The transition to the world where perfection and purity is all that exists was so seamless that it made me wonder about the nature of ‘my’ self-immolation, will it be equally seamless, it certainly seems to have been the case for both @Vineeto and Peter.

Peter wrote :

It took only a few more seconds of switching my attention from the things on the table and my waving hand for the whole illusion of a separating veil to collapse – along with my illusory self-centred identity as I was gradually becoming aware of [i.e. everything actually existing].
The whole experience was like a seamless transition between two worlds. from being a feeling being trapped within an illusionary all-encompassing self-created and sustained bubble to being here in the actual world. There was no dramatic end for ‘me’, no death-like traumatic experience, no prior psychic events or escapades, no “wall of fear”, no “abyss” – rather there was a profound experience of sweetness, a ready acknowledgement of my destiny and a final understanding that the feeling of separateness was nothing other than an illusion of ‘my’ own making.

Whereas @Vineeto even missed the thing happening! :

When I returned to the living room a dynamic and quite frivolous interaction developed and in that uninhibited hilarious atmosphere I blew the last remaining cobwebs of seriousness, cautiousness and social correctness out of the corners of my psyche. It was all very casual, jovial and funny, unrehearsed and spontaneous and I became confident that this is how I wanted to live my life forever.
I heard myself saying to Richard that ‘We’ve got all the time in the world’ and when I contemplated on the sentence that had just slipped out, time suddenly stood still.
I stopped in mid-sentence and the ensuing silence caught the attention of my two companions.
It was all over, in an instant.
There was no fear, no experience of death, no physical phenomena or changes, just the realization that I have always been here in this eternal moment in time, in this luminous magical world, more naked than I was born and utterly safe.

It’s interesting because although Virtual freedom is not necessary for one to self immolate it is nevertheless such a great place to consider self-immolation from. Because there are virtually no other issues to be resolved, so naturally and continually my attention is fixated on the only thing left to do. I wake up and it is the first thing on my mind and when I got to sleep it is the last thing on my mind, there is not much now to detract from this singular focus and there is a stability that allows me to stay with this goal without distraction.