And of course ‘me’ imagining what self-immolation will be like, making it into some dramatic death is yet another way that ‘I’ cunningly prevent it from happening. This stirs up ‘my’ passions in a way that locks ‘me’ in.
From the PCE this morning it seemed that it would be a case of committing to allowing perfection and purity irrevocably and then I am here where I have always been. No distance to be bridged other than what ‘I’ created in ‘my’ reality and so no dramatic death for ‘me’ either.
Of course ‘I’ want it to be dramatic so that ‘I’ can put it off some more, so that ‘I’ can get passionately involved with ensuring it doesn’t happen, yet another ‘danger’ ‘I’ can prevent and therefore remain in existence.
Isn’t it funny that anything that ‘I’ suggest as an apparent aid in making it happen is just another distraction ‘I’ use to ensure that it does not happen. So looking in this direction it appears that it is indeed extremely easy, in the sense that the option is just waiting to be taken but all ‘I’ can do is create more smoke and mirrors to divert from allowing it to happen.
Furthermore isn’t this exactly what the entire game of being an identity is about. That ‘my’ life is a story that ‘I’ crafted in order to justify ‘my’ ongoing existence. ‘I’ cherry picked A and B and from this weaved the most convincing story of pain and suffering that apparently ‘I’ am locked into. All the while perfection and purity is already here.
In this sense perfection and purity is like an irritant to ‘me’, it puts ‘my’ entire existence under question. Because if ‘I’ was to fully admit that life was already always perfect then ‘I’ would be undone at the same time. That ‘story’ would unravel and ‘me’ having no genuine substance would cease to exist also.
So ultimately it would be much ado about nothing.
So it seems this “word at the tip of my tongue” which ‘I’ cannot quite pronounce is the fact that life is already always pure and perfect, and it has always been so even during ‘my’ reign .
This makes so many things so clear now, why the actually free cannot interact with identities, why becoming actually free from the human condition is coming to one’s senses (both literally and figuratively), why ‘I’ never actually existed in the first place. Why life is already perfect even though ‘I’ believe/experience it to be hell.
So me and @Sonyaxx are currently in New Zealand visiting her family for Christmas. During the long travel I had a chance to re-read a good chunk of Richard’s journal. When we arrived yesterday I found myself experiencing what seemed like uncapped levels of perfection and purity. On the way to their holiday home I found myself so close to the actual world that surely the job was done, not that I was actually free yet but it seemed guaranteed that it was going to happen, if not at that instant then surely at any moment now. Like there would be no way for ‘me’ to stop it from happening now, ‘I’ had gone too far. It was such a wonderful experience because it seemed certain that I was about to meet my destiny, and ‘I’ welcomed this fully.
When we arrived to meet some of her extended family I met them for the first time as fellow human beings with no identities to get in the way of perfection. It was so easy and wonderful.
Later on however I found that instead of remaining naive ‘I’ went back into habitually trying to make a good impression and the rest of it. So instead of being naive ‘I’ began trying to appear sophisticated and with it came flooding all of ‘my’ usual dramas. And here ‘I’ was again, spoiling things even though it seemed it would have been impossible for ‘me’ to come back just some hours prior.
The good news is that now I know it’s possible to come as close as I did yesterday, and indeed I know it is possible to go all the way. Also I have pinpointed exactly what happened to get me off track which means now I can jump right back on that horse.
And the key to it all is naïveté which allows one to see that perfection and purity is already always here.
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