A lot going on lately so I wanted to summarise what has been happening. A couple of days ago I saw that there is nothing to be done but enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive. It was scary to proceed in this direction initially, for all that ‘I’ am is that very burden of ‘surviving’, of being in charge of ‘my’ life. It was a daring/caring thing to do, to contemplate dropping that burden.
This morning I became fascinated by the fact that ‘I’ cannot possibly be in charge of life. This self imposed burden is actually in contradiction with the facts. I remembered Richard writing in his journal of the gardening work he did whilst being lived by pure intent, how that which required attention could not be ignored, how the next part would present itself naturally, no need for any ‘grand plan’.
It is funny because one of the greatest objections ‘I’ had towards the universe was that no matter how hard ‘I’ tried to be in charge, to make things happen according to the ‘grand plan’, it was to no use. How much anxiety and stress ‘I’ lived trying to force ‘myself’ onto the universe and failing each time.
What ‘I’ didn’t see was that ‘my’ greatest objection is also the direction towards ‘my’ release. The facts of life as it actually happens make it impossible for ‘me’ to ever be in charge. And what a wonderful thing that is! Because it means that whatever burden ‘I’ impose upon ‘myself’ is not required, it was never required. And even if ‘I’ wanted to play that game (which ‘I’ did) ‘I’ could only pretend. Experiencing this utter freedom, of life already always living itself I once again had tears of appreciation running, seeing that this is here for everybody.
I saw it as if the universe, in giving birth to this body has handed out an invitation to paradise. The invitation reads “everything is already in place, you are here to enjoy and appreciate only”.
Now ‘I’ can disregard the invitation and continue playing the game of ‘surviving’, ‘I’ can strain to be in charge and then fail each time, and of course continue to blame the universe. Yet in a way the universe gave ‘me’ no say in this matter, the fact is that this moment happens of it’s own accord, that whatever responsibility ‘I’ bear is ‘my’ own fabrication.
However the universe does not force one to be happy, it is up to each individual to acknowledge the facts of life. The facts are that this moment is happening outside of ‘my’ influence, ‘I’ was never in charge. This moment happens in such breathtaking complexity and depth that ‘I’ am a fool to believe that ‘I’ could be in charge.
It is a funny one though because I notice that the very language of ‘humanity’, the whole thrust of it all is a battle of ‘self’ against the universe, ‘I’/‘we’ have been straining for eons to battle against these facts of life. Sometimes I struggle to talk with others when every word is laden with these meanings e.g “where do you see yourself in 5 years”, “who are you”, “what are your plans for the future”, “what do you believe in” etc. It might as well be a foreign language at times lol.
One is seen to be odd in no longer having a ‘grand plan’ of any description, in going blank when asked ‘who are you’ or ‘what is next’, and yet it is the denizens of the ‘real world’ that are always quick to complain about life being a burden. So all in all I am gladly proceeding towards insanity haha.
I can see that ‘I’ (although having no substance) masquerade behind all these ‘real world meanings’, all these structures ‘I’ hide behind, it is what ‘my’ house of cards is made of. Every single interaction had with other identities only reinforces this structure, and this has been happening all ‘my’ life, it is indeed a state of mass illusion that humankind is currently caught in. Any motion within this fever dream is only designed to perpetuate itself. Even a newly free individual will assist identities in maintaining ‘themselves’, just by speaking ‘our language’.
So it has been a complete turn around for me since the days of the rift thread, of being in favour of ‘new school actualism’. I can see how very important it is for individuals to go completely beyond any shred of that illusion. To maintain ‘humanity’ in any degree is to perpetuate that fever dream in one’s fellow human beings. There are only facts and then there is illusion/delusion, why perpetuate the latter?
I realise there is only 1 person currently alive that exists as a genuinely safe target for others to aim for, 1 person able to speak securely to others completely outside of any illusion, with no shred of it left, and thus unable to perpetuate it in others.
I have so much appreciation for you @Vineeto, that this is what you are, it activates the desire in me to do what I can towards enabling peace on earth and a life in full meaning for all. What a ridiculously high standard and yet this is what I always wanted. Now this is something that I can do.