Journal de Henry

Henry: I’ve had a thought which has changed a lot for me.

Hi Henry,

Ha … it’s not the “thought” which was important but the experience of naiveté “which has changed a lot for me”.

Henry: I’ve been at home convalescing for a few days, and it’s funny because it’s been a bit of a vacation from all the action I usually subject myself to – I’m not rushing into town, off to social engagements, to the various sports I like to play – I’m just hanging out at home with my cat, reading and watching various things on the internet, enjoying the sun on the deck. It’s been really lovely, and a peace has been gradually settling like gentle snow.

I remember you were having a similar experience when you returned from a trip out of town for a few days in April –

>>Henry: All it took was for me to get on a plane and fly an hour from home for ‘me’ to go into somewhat of a hibernation (or ‘holiday!’). All these objects, attachments, ‘needs,’ narratives etc. were discarded and forgotten, why pick them up again? (link)

Is it that you have the ability to shift effortlessly into naiveté but don’t yet value and consciously appreciate it enough, thus lacking the intent to remain naive?

Henry: Yesterday was especially magical, so easy and surprising, and delighting & appreciating this peace & ease. Everything was so easy it was like it has always been like this, all my past depressions and anxiety seem like a bad dream only… the insanities across the globe seem incomprehensible from here (though I understand intellectually).
From this space it occurred to me that anyone I come across could be in a PCE – there’s no special cue that tells me in advance, they absolutely could be and I just wouldn’t know. And the peace and delight this thought gave me revealed something – it showed how scared I have been of other people. I have internalized all the nastiness, meanness, anxiety that everyone is capable of, and have recoiled from it – but this thought that they could be in a PCE pierced that narrative.

While the “thought” was imaginary it nevertheless demonstrated experientially that there is no need to “recoil” from other people when you yourself slip into being naïve – liking yourself and hence equally liking others – and suddenly life becomes genuinely magical.

Richard: Maybe it is suffice to say at this stage that I do stress how essential the pure intent of naiveté is … yet because ‘naïve’ and ‘gullible’ are so closely linked (via the trusting nature of a child in concert with the lack of knowledge inherent to childhood) in the now-adult mind most peoples initially have difficulty separating the one from another. Perhaps it may be helpful to report that, when I first re-gained naiveté (which is the closest a ‘self’ can approximate to innocence) at age 33 years, I would exclaim to whoever was prepared to listen that ‘it is like being a child again … but with adult sensibilities’ (naïve but not gullible). I was soon to discover, however, that being child-like is not it – children are not innocent – and that innocence is totally new to anyone’s experience (it is just that a child is more prone to readily allowing the moment to live one, from time-to-time, than a cynical adult is).
Thus the pure intent of naiveté provides the collateral assurance ‘I’ require to safely give ‘myself’ permission to allow this moment to live me (rather than ‘me’ trying to live in the present) and to let go the controls. Yet it is the direct experience itself which is the fundamental factor when it comes to making the curious decision to abandon both one’s present course and that of one’s peers and plunge into the adventure of a lifetime. (Richard, List B, No. 25f, 22 Jun 2000))

Henry: Suddenly now I’m seeing everyone as a potential collaborator in the fun to be had, rather than someone that might hurt me, an enemy. I have even weaponized actualism, as in “aren’t people so terrible” and thus to be avoided.

The “weaponizing” of what you call ‘actualism’ has its source in not liking yourself, i.e. resent in yourself the ‘bad’ aspects of the human condition. Once you become guileless yourself and like yourself as you are – a product of the genetic heritage everyone is afflicted with – coupled with the sincere intent of doing something about it, then the world becomes a veritable playground.

Henry: And now I can see how it is for a free person – they only meet the actual person. There is no need to recoil – there is appreciation, liking the actual person that they are. And that requires not putting up a defensive wall, I have to really see them, allow that intimacy to occur. And I can see how easy it is to do that now, actually it’s a joy to do because of all the fun to be had.

Be careful to not make a moral or ethical command out of your insight – as in I have to really see them”. Seeing “how easy it is to do that now”, your intent to allow it is sufficient.

Henry: It doesn’t matter if they’re not in a PCE – they probably are not – because it’s clear now that they were never hurting me anyway, it was always me hurting myself. I was ‘protecting’ myself, but all it was doing was keeping this resentment and fearfulness alive. In this space, it’s evident how meagre that life was – no wonder I felt like I was missing something, I absolutely was! (link)

Indeed, it does not matter at all that “they’re not in a PCE” (it was only a fantasy anyway) – because when you are “traipsing through the world about in a state of wide-eyed wonder and amazement as if a child again (guileless, artless, ingenuous, innocuous) – yet with adult sensibilities whereby the distinction betwixt being naïve and being gullible is readily separable” (Richard, List D, No. 4b, 4 Jul 2015)) then you are leaving “resentment and fearfulness” far behind and fun and gaiety are available in abundance and yours for the choosing. When you allow naiveté to flourish everyone is a fellow human being and as likeable as you are.

All that is required now is a sincere attentiveness so as to not habitually slip back into ‘your’ still familiar world of fear and sorrow.

Cheers Vineeto

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It’s funny that I didn’t connect this to naivete when you’re right that it obviously is. My previous attempts to connect with it were lacking its full expression, it seems I was attempting to probe it from within my hiding place. Perhaps a necessary step…

This is so much better than how I have been living.

There’s still some belief in me that there is danger here.

I had some experiences when I was a bit younger where my parents found my carefree approach to life threatening and they scared me quite a bit, I don’t think I’ve fully recovered from that. There is a wall there for me.

My investigation now is to live this and find out for myself.

Yes, I can see this now. My overly analytical approach to investigation has avoided the point up til now.

Maybe I could call it ‘Aktualism’ when it is misunderstood and misdirected like this… many such cases

Noted!

:slightly_smiling_face: :slightly_smiling_face: :slightly_smiling_face:

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Had an interesting insight into myself watching an age of empires final. One of the players (Hera) I’ve been watching a lot lately to the point of becoming a fan of his and rooting for his success. However, I’ve been watching a lot of different games, and today in the final he was playing Mr. Yo, who I have also enjoyed and cheered his success. There was a moment in their first game where Mr. Yo was doing really well, and Hera was suffering, and I found myself suffering right along with him. However, I had a glimmer of remembrance, and questioned why I was suffering: I don’t have a strong stake in Hera winning over Mr. Yo, I want them both to do well actually… it quite shattered the way I normally experience these competitions, where I have one side I exclusively cheer for, I feel good when they win, I suffer when they lose. A new way came into view, as I began to experience purity all around… the now familiar softness of pure intent, and I appreciated the gameplay in its completeness, together with my coffee at my side, my breakfast on my table, the ambience of light in my house, my cat ranging around, the effort the organizers the tournament were putting in, the dedication and talent of the players, and many more things besides… such a contrast to the narrow winning & losing mindset of the ‘fan…’ very pleased to have had this experience, it gives me a clear vision for how to approach these situations in future. And such a central pillar of my identity as a ‘competitor,’ long eroding and now looking like an apparition!

This is all quite fun!

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Adding to this, I can see that the emotion is an element of ally-enemy dynamics: because ‘I’ have set it up that Hera winning = feeling good and Hera losing = feeling bad, for Mr.Yo to win would mean feeling bad, which inherently makes him my enemy, ‘I’ have to wish for his defeat to ‘get to’ feel good. Not seeing Mr.Yo as my enemy broke the entire thing and reminded me that feeling good is actually in my own hands… the feeling good became unconditional… at that point enjoying & appreciation is peace & peacefulness… I am no longer ‘against’ anyone, which is harmonious as well.

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No way, lol. I never thought I’d find a fellow competitive AOE2 enthusiast around here. Ive been following the scene for more than 6 years, and played thousands of hours for 25 years (but I still suck, haha).

The challenge with pro tournaments now is not getting too bored with Hera winning all the time. Liereyy was close to challenge him in the S tier tourney before this one tho!

Maybe we can play later if you play :slight_smile:

Henry: Had an interesting insight into myself watching an age of empires final . One of the players (Hera) I’ve been watching a lot lately to the point of becoming a fan of his and rooting for his success. However, I’ve been watching a lot of different games, and today in the final he was playing Mr. Yo, who I have also enjoyed and cheered his success. There was a moment in their first game where Mr. Yo was doing really well, and Hera was suffering, and I found myself suffering right along with him. However, I had a glimmer of remembrance, and questioned why I was suffering: I don’t have a strong stake in Hera winning over Mr. Yo, I want them both to do well actually… it quite shattered the way I normally experience these competitions, where I have one side I exclusively cheer for, I feel good when they win, I suffer when they lose. A new way came into view, as I began to experience purity all around… the now familiar softness of pure intent, and I appreciated the gameplay in its completeness, together with my coffee at my side, my breakfast on my table, the ambience of light in my house, my cat ranging around, the effort the organizers the tournament were putting in, the dedication and talent of the players, and many more things besides… such a contrast to the narrow winning & losing mindset of the ‘fan…’ very pleased to have had this experience, it gives me a clear vision for how to approach these situations in future. And such a central pillar of my identity as a ‘competitor,’ long eroding and now looking like an apparition! (link)

Felipe: No way, lol. I never thought I’d find a fellow competitive AOE2 enthusiast around here. I’ve been following the scene for more than 6 years, and played thousands of hours for 25 years (but I still suck, haha).
The challenge with pro tournaments now is not getting too bored with Hera winning all the time. Liereyy was close to challenge him in the S tier tourney before this one tho! Maybe we can play later if you play. (link)

Hi Felipe,

In your excitement to find a play-mate you appeared to have missed the main point –

Henry: it quite shattered the way I normally experience these competitions, where I have one side I exclusively cheer for, I feel good when they win, I suffer when they lose. A new way came into view, as I began to experience purity all around… the now familiar softness of pure intent, and I appreciated the gameplay in its completeness, together with my coffee at my side, my breakfast on my table, the ambience of light in my house, my cat ranging around, the effort the organizers the tournament were putting in, the dedication and talent of the players, and many more things besides … [Emphasis added].

There is also Henry’s later addition to his competitor-shattering worldview –

Henry: Adding to this, I can see that the emotion is an element of ally-enemy dynamics: because ‘I’ have set it up that Hera winning = feeling good and Hera losing = feeling bad, for Mr. Yo to win would mean feeling bad, which inherently makes him my enemy, ‘I’ have to wish for his defeat to ‘get to’ feel good. Not seeing Mr. Yo as my enemy broke the entire thing and reminded me that feeling good is actually in my own hands… the feeling good became unconditional… at that point enjoying & appreciation is peace & peacefulness… I am no longer ‘against’ anyone, which is harmonious as well. [Emphasis added]. (link)

Has something happened to cause your interest in actualism to wane since you told Richard in January 2013 that –

Felipe: Hello, Richard, I’ve been practicing the actualism method since July 2011 (link)?

Or has maybe Henry’s report of success in unconditionally feeling good and “peace and peacefulness” perhaps rekindled your attraction to achieve a similar experience in your own life?

Cheers Vineeto

Hey, Vineeto.

It was purely a hobby-related reply rather than actualist-related this time around, but point taken. When I watch eSports like this, it has the potential for both as a distraction to cope with life (be entertained) or an excuse to enjoy and appreciate the moment in such a form. When I watch competitions of this video game in particular there’s a feeling of comfort, of coming home, since it’s been my favorite of all time, so at times I allow myself to use it as platform or background to try to enjoy and appreciate, but mostly is more like traditional entertainment in which I frequently lose track of the actualist awareness, if I am to be honest.

Yeah, I think there’s some cool aspects to be appreciated in this game besides the mere competitive aspect. It’s like a modern version of chess with so many dimensions that make it amusing and elegant: the civilization you pick, how it counters the one picked by your opponent, general strategy, macromanagement, micromanagement, the map generation, even the topology of the terrain matters. So one can appreciate the elegance and skill of the players as they go solving the challenges presented, besides just taking sides as a fan. It’s just a cool, complex, fun video game to me.

That being said, one naturally takes sides in the hopes for the game to be more competitive and hence thrilling. This is where the strong emotional part comes in, as in taking sides, rooting for the underdog, hoping for an even and spectacular game, are all ways to crave conflict and drama as conditional entertainment and cope. This is indicative of such sentiment, when I said:

The challenge with pro tournaments now is not getting too bored with Hera winning all the time.

Though a reason for anyone to watch any sport or movie, I guess even being actually free, is for it to be more engaging in some way (a conflict or a dramatic structure), I guess the difference being that a feeling being craves way more for these emotional condiments and spices in life, and for an actually free person is just a matter of preference. I think Peter, for instance, liked (likes?) watching cricket. So, assuming he still likes watching it, I bet that if the same team won every time 20-0, he’d lose interest and would prefer spending his time differently. So there’s some to that competitive aspect that makes the hobby worthwhile besides the conventional emotional thrill.

It’s been a rocky road for me :sweat_smile:
Not a linear progression, but actualism never entirely wanes. It’s always in the background even when I take detours. Last one was that I started psychosomatizing weirdly when I tried to feel good (I’m guessing because I was misapplying it, making it sudorific or repressing in my last iteration), but I’m returning once again and that’s why I was reading the old messages I missed. As I told you before, some months ago I got to a state that set a rich benchmark that showed me what’s possible, when I had what it seemed like a mini virtual freedom that made me make sense of actualist aspects like never before. I want to reach that again. :slight_smile:

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Hi @Felipe ,

I’ve been randomly running into quite a few players lately, it seems the game has been enjoying quite the renaissance. I only started watching games a few months ago but have been really enjoying it!

I’m down to play sometime, my elo is probably like 500 haha. Maybe a team game! I actually just got a PC set up so I can reliably play without lag.

Competitiveness has been a big big part of my wiring for a long time and it has been an interesting process unwinding it! I’ve found that the best antidote is a sensuous enjoyment & appreciation of the game itself rather than an enjoyment dependent on winning (eg a certain narrative playing out). It’s very instructive to note the two sides of how people enjoy domination or they side with the underdog (and hope for the underdog to dominate!).

A key realization for me has been recognizing that the competitive ‘pecking order’ is very very large so most people fall roughly in the middle. I just looked it up and the peak aoe2 pop in the last 30 days was ~30,000, so you can assume there are 50,000+ that play reasonably often. That means that you and I fall somewhere within that 50,000 pecking order, with thousands above and below us. Any particular matchup we could create a narrative that we’re so amazing at the game, or so shit at the game (with the corresponding spiral into depression). Even if you’re on the top of the food chain, some young gun could come up at any time and unseat you (as the Viper found!). Awareness of the silliness of worrying about where I fall in that competitive hierarchy has allowed me to turn my attention elsewhere, specifically toward that sensuous enjoyment & appreciation.

And in that realm there’s no ceiling to what there is to experience! It continues to expand, and pleasingly I keep getting better at the game, and within that increasing skill ceiling is ever-more enjoyment & sensuousness to be found. I’ve found the exact same to be true in several other domains I play in. It’s a very different orientation than the normal competitive mindset, though I do find that especially after I do some winning that I start to get seduced back to ‘being a winner…’ Ultimately, though, it is rotten. I haven’t even mentioned how every winner needs a loser! And of course if you subscribe to the narratives, any ‘loser’ must spiral into depression, that’s why in the past I sympathized with the underdog - I identified with them and wanted to protect them from that depression, which I empathetically felt as well.

Much better to skip the whole thing :grin:

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The boredom aspect is something worth exploring and has been a bit of a theme among the aoe2 watchers lately! I think it’s worth looking at it because even a subtle, unimportant-seeming emotion can bloom or signal larger themes.

As Vineeto has pointed out before, boredom is a wish to be elsewhere - “I don’t like what’s happening.” Perhaps that’s one thing when it’s straightforward to change what’s happening (though still better to skip the emotion!), frequently one arrives at boredom when there isn’t an obvious next step to take, one feels ‘trapped’ and feels a dullness (which is really subtle dissociation).

In the case of the current age of empires 2 scene, it looks like: Ok, there’s a tournament happening. Hera has some shaky games, but stabilizes by game 3, quickly snuffs out any drama, and wins each set 4-1 or 4-2. By the time the finals come along, everyone is hoping Lierrey or Mr.Yo or Vinchester can compete against him, while feeling a gnawing premonition that Hera will win easily (as he always seems to do). When he finally does win, there’s a “I knew it, he always wins! I don’t know why I even bother watching!” And then stomping off to complain on (insert your favored social media forum).

Because there is no straightforward way to change this state of affairs (you could go train full-time and yourself become the best at the game? Or perhaps fly to Buenos Ares and unplug Hera’s internet at a crucial moment), if there is a negative feeling about the outcome, the boredom comes. That matters because as a form of entertainment, the entire idea of it is that it’s supposed to be fun to watch! So now the thing that’s supposed to be fun is instead producing suffering, that’s an uncomfortable spot to be in. No wonder so many tantrums are thrown! I see this all the time in sports fans.

For me, that very factor of “there’s nothing I can realistically do to change the outcome” is also the best reason to not worry about it, recognize the silliness, and either stop watching if you don’t want to, or just enjoy it for what it is. I find myself enjoying the subtleties of engagements within the game regardless of the score in the series or the past history of winning. For that matter, the consistency and streak are remarkable accomplishments worth appreciating. Seeing the lightning-quick micro, the skillful counters, and the refusal to lose even when all looks lost are things that I’ve enjoyed in the games, and up until the end I don’t know how it will turn out anyway.

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Vineeto: There is also Henry’s later addition to his competitor-shattering worldview – (link)

Felipe: That being said, one naturally takes sides in the hopes for the game to be more competitive and hence thrilling. This is where the strong emotional part comes in, as in taking sides, rooting for the underdog, hoping for an even and spectacular game, are all ways to crave conflict and drama as conditional entertainment and cope. (…)

Hi Felipe,

This is exactly the point – it feels natural to take sides. Wanting to become free from the human condition is not natural, hence sincere intent and ongoing affective attentiveness is required if one wants to make progress in freeing oneself from the various aspects of the human condition.

Felipe: Though a reason for anyone to watch any sport or movie, I guess even being actually free, is for it to be more engaging in some way (a conflict or a dramatic structure), I guess the difference being that a feeling being craves way more for these emotional condiments and spices in life, and for an actually free person is just a matter of preference. I think Peter, for instance, liked (likes?) watching cricket. So, assuming he still likes watching it, I bet that if the same team won every time 20-0, he’d lose interest and would prefer spending his time differently. So there’s some to that competitive aspect that makes the hobby worthwhile besides the conventional emotional thrill.

When ‘Peter’ watched cricket, ‘he’ had no longer an investment which side would win because ‘he’ was well aware that this was an aspect of being part, being loyal to a tribal allegiance. This very allegiance gives rise to taking sides, being emotional about the outcome of any game and ultimately of conflict. In the later years of our association ‘Peter’ had given up watching sport altogether.

Personally, ‘Vineeto’ was never interested in watching any competitive games, ‘she’ only watched the opening of the Sydney Olympics for the spectacle of it. Here is what ‘she’ experienced –

‘Vineeto’: Yesterday I watched the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games and found it an excellent example of the psychic web in action. A band of 2000 musicians from all over the world was playing, all nationalities wearing an identical blue-red-beige uniform, everyone marching in exact formations while playing the various national hymns from all over the world. The audience’s spirit was soaring high, cheers and tears, overwhelmed by the feeling of ‘we are all one’, ‘we are the world’, feeling unity, glory, bliss and love. It is amazing how simple methods – heart-stirring music, uniforms and people marching in formations – can cast an effective spell on the collective human psyche.
However, the feeling of ‘unity’ immediately dispersed as soon as the athletes of all the countries started marching into the stadium wearing their national costumes, under individual flags*.* Then the psychic scene changed, the feeling was now of individual national pride. Each nation was now separate from the other and soon each athlete will be competing against the others for the glory of their particular country and for their own personal fame. The feeling of Unity is but a short-lived feeling … the psychic vibe changes readily when the music changes. (Actualism, Vineeto, List D, James, 17.9.2000)

When you say that “there’s some to that competitive aspect that makes the hobby worthwhile” – this very competition, which you engage in by taking sides, is the very core of your “emotional thrill”. The question is, do you want to keep doing and feeling what one feels “naturally”, or do you have the sincere intent to abandon what feels natural, bit by bit, in a pursuit of becoming more happy and harmless.

Vineeto: (…) Or has Henry’s report of success in unconditionally feeling good and “peace and peacefulness” perhaps rekindled your attraction to achieve a similar experience in your own life?

Felipe: It’s been a rocky road for me.
Not a linear progression, but actualism never entirely wanes. It’s always in the background even when I take detours. Last one was that I started psycho-somatizing weirdly when I tried to feel good (I’m guessing because I was misapplying it, making it sudorific or repressing in my last iteration), but I’m returning once again and that’s why I was reading the old messages I missed.

Whenever you notice that you start “psycho-somatizing weirdly” it is a sure sign that some dissociation from an unwanted, uncomfortable feelings is taking place. Dare to pinpoint this feeling and allow it to be there, to feel it – and you will experience how it diminishes the moment you allow it to be there (it’s already there, just stop pushing it away by trying to forcefully feel good). You will see how the psychosomatic symptom will also eventually diminish (depending for how long you had habitually pushed the particular feeling away).

Then you can allow to be the feeling instead of having (and wanting to control) the feeling. Being the feeling you can see how silly it is to feel bad when instead you can enjoy and appreciate being here. Only then you can choose to be a different feeling, for instance being appreciative.

Felipe: As I told you before, some months ago I got to a state that set a rich benchmark that showed me what’s possible, when I had what it seemed like a mini virtual freedom that made me make sense of actualist aspects like never before. I want to reach that again. (link)

You can look up what you did then in your private journal, what it was that brought on the success. Otherwise you can employ the actualism method more methodically (see also what I wrote to Felix recently (link)). There is also a video where Richard describes the actualism method (link).

Cheers Vineeto

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