Felix's Diary

Journals
299

Hey Vineeto,

Thanks for the encouragement!

I should add that when I talk about this working “better” than virtual freedom, what I’m discovering is that my moment to moment experience in daily life is very much plagued by feelings, just ones that I’ve come to expect or see as normal or not able to be moved.

So the sitting and observing is like an acute practice that allows you to see things that when you’re busy or distracted, are easy to be missed.

After last night and went back to my virtual freedom practice of asking HAIETMOBA, I was surprised just how much existential angst, anxiety and resentment I found.

It seems my achilles heel or a habit has been to want to “override” the whole process by aiming to feel good in an ambitious way, whilst trying to push down or control the seemingly malevolent/perverse feeling being that is scuppering my efforts. Quite cunning eh.

In fact I am not sure my diary accurately reflects just how much anxiety and angst I have experienced in the last couple of years. My investigations are now taking me into these places, which before I could not enter easily or which did not seem possible to enter and which I distracted myself in whatever way I could.

Instrumental to this was reading Richard’s writings about fear, specifically that which comes with realisation of being “a contingent being”.

RICHARD: Fear – existential angst at finding oneself to be the contingent ‘being’ one always suspected oneself to be – is both the barrier and the way to freedom. Always included in fear is a thrilling aspect, and by focussing upon this and not fear itself, an energy gathers momentum which does the trick for one (thrilling as in an exciting sensation through the body, stirring, stimulating, electrifying, rousing, moving, gripping, hair-raising, riveting, joyful, pleasing. throbbing, trembling, tremulous, quivering, shivering, fluttering, shuddering and vibrating).

‘I’ cannot set ‘myself’ free … but ‘I’ can set in motion a process that will lead to ‘my’ eventual demise.
(Link).

I have taken this as inspiration to not be so easily stopped by the psychic electric fence which I have been stopped by for quite some time now. A fence built of my own deep fears and angst about actualism and my success with it, my life in general and how it rates, being alone, being scared of how I feel, anxious about how I look etc etc.

On top of that, fears about the actual world itself and knowing intellectually that “no one exists” etc - I’ve made myself sick on those sorts of projections.

On top of that, resentment about actualism itself - jealousy about how it was so easy/automatic for Richard, resentment for how difficult it’s been, resentment for having heard about actualism in the first place in some case and how this information has changed my life.

Confronting these sorts of feelings is very scary at times. There is indeed dread, foreboding and all of that. Having these feelings and then also wanting to become actually free so bad, really put me between a rock and a hard place as Kuba put it.

I was trying to feel good without really acknowledging all these feelings of “wrongness” in the way. I was dissociated from those feelings, seeing them as immutable, not my fault, and being very much a victim of them.

That is quite dangerous I think, if actualism becomes a fight against the feelings themselves. I’ve held on despite getting thrashed around considerably, firstly because I’m determined and secondly because there are others like yourself who have done this and I trust that it does work. I’m writing about my mistakes so others can sidestep them.

In retrospect it can seem quite easy to say - “of course you shouldn’t feel anxiety or depression or burnout as an actualist; the point is to feel good!”. But I think that ‘take’ underestimates the complexity of the human psyche and what it can cunningly obscure and perpetuate.

Now that I’m starting to acknowledge these deep, murky feelings 1. They are becoming much easier to deal with (as I’m not fighting them) and it is hugely encouraging when I do get back to feeling good 2. They are providing more impetus for becoming free (oh - this is the human condition → I’m in it just like everybody else → and it is indeed terrible and tragic → I need to do something about this).

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Feeling good again: I always seem to need a bit of cry as my sympathetic nervous system loosens its grip and “deactivates”.

I seem to constantly want to live in that kind of “stressed” state, as my default position. When I say want, I mean - it’s the habit. I’m aware when it happens that I’m not feeling good but then rather than finding my way into feeling good, I start to panic. It’s like I don’t know which way to go and then I just get more and more anxious.

Whereas when feeling good it looks so different - I look back at how I was drowning and see that the water was a lot more shallow than I thought if id only touched my feet to the ocean floor.

One key characteristic of when I’m feeling good or better is that I’m very absorbed in it being this moment, in whatever I’m doing. By contrast, when I’m feeling bad it’s like I’m revving the engine of my mind in all other directions other than what is here and now. There are all sorts of mental boxes that start opening and it all becomes very complicated. I then tend to “watch” this all happening rather than getting back to feeling good, which seems to cause the anxiety to increase.

I’m trying to viscerally store this transition I made earlier in memory, so that I can find my way into feeling good next time it happens.

Another difference is that when I’m feeling good, there is a softness, an ease, a non seriousness. There is no need to escape because it’s nice to be where one is.

Whereas the activated, stressed, sympathetic state is “hard” (as in rigid) by contrast, everything is tense and very serious. There is a strong desire to escape that comes with it. It’s like walking on hot coals.

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I’m trying to share as many insights as I can because I know I’ve got a 2 year backlog of diary entries that are from a time when I wasn’t going very well (both in the success at actualism sense and the general wellbeing sense). Obviously that doesn’t mean that all my insights now are going to be correct either! :rofl:… but I think more so than before for sure.

One thing I notice about some of the feelings I felt I couldn’t get past before - they were those where my talons were truly stuck into the feeling situation (I use the term “feeling situation” to indicate there were was a context within which the feeling was taking place), as if inextricably. One image I often had was of a snake eating its own tail - because of the very maladaptive and toxic nature of it. Knowing something is bad for you and not working but still perversely pursuing it.

These days, I wouldn’t say that I necessarily always experience those very same feelings with less intensity. I still have intense feelings. But what strikes me is how quickly it’s possible to shift back into feeling good.

Ie these feelings give the impression of being soooo bad, soooo strong that there’d almost be no point in giving up on them, that feeling good is oh so far away etc. But it’s not the case at all - that’s just the addictive quality of emotional suffering.

I say that for anyone who thinks what they are feeling is so bad they are somehow permanently screwed or “messed up” or “beyond the pale” or whatever other story might be getting told internally to justify these feelings. It’s similar to what we were saying the other day about “feeling states” creating the illusion of solid/permanent feelings, the solidity/permanency of which is further reinforced via somatic consequences.

Also - if you feel you cannot break out of a feeling that may also be linked to a maladaptive behavior - don’t be hard on yourself about that because that will actually allow you to “suffer more” and justify the addiction continuing. I find when those feelings are at their strongest I’m not able right at that point to stop. Sometimes I need to wait a little bit, be friendly with myself, ask myself if I want to continue to be perverse (paraphrasing Richard there - can’t remember the exact quote but he asked himself something similar).

Another thing that really helps generally is a circuit breaker. If you’re stuck in a feeling or you’re investigating but it’s only getting worse and worse, taking a break is a great option - especially if it’s something that switches up your mental state. Taking a dip in a pool is an example, but it might also be having a cup of tea or going for a walk or meeting someone etc etc.

There is no point investigating when you feel bad.

It reminds me of my singing practice. For years when I was younger I wanted to be better and better so I’d just practice for hours on end, torturing myself. Rarely did it actually make things better - I would have been better to take a break, clear my head, and come back to it. How much “bad” practice have I done with actualism - a lot.

So it’s not just about pursuing something intensely, which isn’t by default productive, but being smart and friendly about the way it’s done.

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Nice, I never thought of it this way but indeed it is the same with any skilled activity. Once you get frustrated that things aren’t going well then any subsequent attempts whilst in that frustrated state actually make the task harder to complete.

I used to juggle quite a lot and learning a new trick whilst in a frustrated state would make it next to impossible. Juggling is quite a good example actually as it requires a kind of soft but focused attention which is not possible to maintain whilst being overcome with passion.

In the same way becoming passionate whilst attempting to apply the actualism method is not only unhelpful but actually detrimental to success.

The kind of soft but focused attention which allows one to shift gears into feeling good has nothing to do with becoming passionate.

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Felix: Thanks for the encouragement!
I should add that when I talk about this working “better” than virtual freedom, what I’m discovering is that my moment to moment experience in daily life is very much plagued by feelings, just ones that I’ve come to expect or see as normal or not able to be moved.
So the sitting and observing is like an acute practice that allows you to see things that when you’re busy or distracted, are easy to be missed.
After last night and went back to my virtual freedom practice of asking HAIETMOBA, I was surprised just how much existential angst, anxiety and resentment I found.

Hi Felix,

When you have time to contemplate while feeling good I suggest tackling resentment first. It is, with determination to be happy, the easiest of those three major obstacles and free up a lot of tied-up energy to direct to the felicitous feelings. Also, it does rather interfere with being friends with yourself. :blush:

Felix: It seems my Achilles heel or a habit has been to want to “override” the whole process by aiming to feel good in an ambitious way, whilst trying to push down or control the seemingly malevolent/ perverse feeling being that is scuppering my efforts. Quite cunning eh.

Well, you found yourself out – one cunning trick disarmed now that you know about it. You’ll discover more – it’s the nature of ‘me’ to hide behind the most noble causes, and especially pretend-actualist causes, I noticed. But whenever you ask yourself if this or that strategy is really on your, the actual body’s side, you’ll find that it is not, even if the cover story pretends to be. Anything that is sudorific, anything that creates stress or anxiety can never be on your side.

Felix: In fact I am not sure my diary accurately reflects just how much anxiety and angst I have experienced in the last couple of years. My investigations are now taking me into these places, which before I could not enter easily or which did not seem possible to enter and which I distracted myself in whatever way I could.

This is natural, you have to peel the layers one by one, remove the ‘outer’ obstacles first and then get to the layers underneath. Don’t forget to pat yourself on the back for every discovery you make, and then act on. This means stop giving yourself a hard time (merely a bad habit now that you have seen through it) so to be able to enjoy and appreciate.

Felix: Instrumental to this was reading Richard’s writings about fear, specifically that which comes with realisation of being “a contingent being”.

RICHARD: Fear – existential angst at finding oneself to be the contingent ‘being’ one always suspected oneself to be – is both the barrier and the way to freedom. Always included in fear is a thrilling aspect, and by focussing upon this and not fear itself, an energy gathers momentum which does the trick for one (thrilling as in an exciting sensation through the body, stirring, stimulating, electrifying, rousing, moving, gripping, hair-raising, riveting, joyful, pleasing, throbbing, trembling, tremulous, quivering, shivering, fluttering, shuddering and vibrating).
‘I’ cannot set ‘myself’ free … but ‘I’ can set in motion a process that will lead to ‘my’ eventual demise. (Richard, List B, No. 12a, 18 July 1998).

Felix: I have taken this as inspiration to not be so easily stopped by the psychic electric fence which I have been stopped by for quite some time now. A fence built of my own deep fears and angst about actualism and my success with it, my life in general and how it rates, being alone, being scared of how I feel, anxious about how I look etc etc.

You probably read what I had written to JesusCarlos (link) as I had used the above quote there. I like your ‘electric fence’ analogy. Here is a quote which should give you comfort, if you understand it right in its context –

RICHARD: … I do remember that discussion well for it spells-out that which I had been wanting to have explicitly set down in words for a long time (the identity inhabiting this body all those years ago had looked in vain for anything detailed in that manner) because it pertains to matters which were the critical factor in the turning-point experiences on some uninhabited islands off the north-eastern seaboard of this country in 1985 … to wit: the existential angst of discovering that one is nothing but a contingent ‘being’ and that one will cease to ‘be’ unless the redemptive straw, of several doomsday straws, be grasped. (Richard, AF List, No. 82, 27 April 2005).

The context being that Richard describes his own experience in the process of extracting himself from enlightenment to find the actual freedom he had experience in his PCEs. The comforting part is that now we know for certain what is at the other end of this the existential angst and that there is a Direct Route which is a far easier route to an actual freedom. It still needs gutsy pioneers though.

Felix: On top of that, fears about the actual world itself and knowing intellectually that “no one exists” etc – I’ve made myself sick on those sorts of projections.
On top of that, resentment about actualism itself – jealousy about how it was so easy/ automatic for Richard, resentment for how difficult it’s been, resentment for having heard about actualism in the first place in some case and how this information has changed my life.

You do indeed give yourself a hard time, or have done so in the past. This resentment does fall under the category of anger, you know? Your jealousy is entirely unfounded because Richard did the hardest journey of all without precedence, and it often took perseverance before (link) and after (link) discovering an actual freedom. Let the facts speak for themselves so that you can recognize the silliness of holding on to this particular resentment. (Btw, Richard did not “experience himself of having the mental age of about 14 year old”, he experienced himself of having the existential age of about 14 years old, due to his ongoing naiveté). (link)

Felix: Confronting these sorts of feelings is very scary at times. There is indeed dread, foreboding and all of that. Having these feelings and then also wanting to become actually free so bad, really put me between a rock and a hard place as Kuba put it.
I was trying to feel good without really acknowledging all these feelings of “wrongness” in the way. I was dissociated from those feelings, seeing them as immutable, not my fault, and being very much a victim of them.
That is quite dangerous I think, if actualism becomes a fight against the feelings themselves. I’ve held on despite getting thrashed around considerably, firstly because I’m determined and secondly because there are others like yourself who have done this and I trust that it does work. I’m writing about my mistakes so others can sidestep them.

Here you are seeing through another trick of ‘me’ – the scary feelings are labelled feelings of “wrongness”, i.e. you are ‘bad’ to even have them, let alone feel them, and then you have to suppress them to hide them – perfect way for ‘me’ to avoid change. The result is that you use the cover of ‘your’, the identity’s, idea of actualism to fight yourself and your feelings – to maintain the status quo (anxiety).

Felix: In retrospect it can seem quite easy to say – “of course you shouldn’t feel anxiety or depression or burnout as an actualist; the point is to feel good!”. But I think that ‘take’ underestimates the complexity of the human psyche and what it can cunningly obscure and perpetuate.

Even in retrospect ‘you’ still dictate the same course – “you shouldn’t feel anxiety …”. This clearly contradicts the first principle, so to speak – be a friend to yourself. Any ‘should’ is a flashing alarm sign that you wandered off the wide and wondrous path.

Here feeling being ‘Vineeto’ wrote about dealing with ‘her’ fear in 1999 –

Vineeto: Here is a report on how I have understood and tackled fear:

  1. I collected as much information about the actual world as I could get to strengthen my intent. This included reading the journals, talking to Peter and Richard, making use of my intelligence, gathering facts instead of believing people and having a peak-experience with first-hand experience of the actual world. Gathering facts gave me confidence and surety about the journey.
  2. I was deepening my understanding that it was ‘I’ that stood in the road of experiencing the freshness, purity, aliveness and perfection of the actual world and that ‘I’ have to disappear in order for the actual world to be permanently apparent. This included the understanding that ‘I’ am made of nothing but a bundle of instincts, beliefs, imaginations, feelings and social conditioning – the Human Condition. From that understanding it was obvious that fear was ‘par for the course’ – as I wrote to Irene: ‘Fear in the face of impending death is what potatoes are for a potato-soup, its very ingredients. There is no soup without potatoes, there is no death without fear.’
  3. The important thing about fear is not to object to it. Now, that is easier said than done – nobody wants to feel fear. Yet the very act of objecting to fear makes it bigger and therefore makes it impossible to look at the underlying issue. Seeing fear as part of the Human Condition, the disease that everyone is inflicted with, helped to reduce my objection.
  4. My allies were my understanding and my intent. So whenever fear arose I focused on my intent to determine the direction of my goal – freedom and peace-on-earth – and then I would go ahead with the investigation into the underlying causes of that particular fear.
  5. It was always good to first sort out the facts from the feelings, to look at the situation and make sure that there was no actual physical danger.
  6. That made it clear that the remainder of the fear was psychological, i.e. fear of losing my friends, my work, my respectability, losing the ground I was standing on, not wanting to change, not wanting to ‘die’.
  7. A quote from Richard really helped me through many fearful and terrifying situations:
    Richard: ‘… a fact is actual. One cannot argue about a fact as one can about a belief or a truth … one can only deny a fact and pretend that it is not there. Then the question to ask is: ‘Why depression? Because when I see the fact of something … the fact sets me free of choice. … When I see clearly … then I can proceed … for then there is action. Seeing the fact – which is seeing without choice – then there is action … and this action is not of ‘my’ doing.’ (Richard, List B, No. 23a, 12 Oct 1998)
  8. The final fact was: if I wanted to be free, then ‘I’ have to disappear, self-immolate. What is the point of complaining about this fact? What is the point of postponing the journey because of fear? Fear is the ‘normal’, instinctual reaction of my ‘self’, it is ‘par for the course’. I don’t have to let fear stop me from reaching my goal.
  9. Of course, it takes a good deal of bloody-mindedness and stubborn persistence, after all, it is quite a pioneering job we are doing here.

    10. Of course, it took ‘her’ another 10 years before ‘she’ disappeared but it certainly eased fear and anxiety a lot. (Actualism, Vineeto, AF List, No. 6, 12.3.1999)

Felix: Now that I’m starting to acknowledge these deep, murky feelings 1. They are becoming much easier to deal with (as I’m not fighting them) and it is hugely encouraging when I do get back to feeling good 2. They are providing more impetus for becoming free (oh – this is the human condition → I’m in it just like everybody else → and it is indeed terrible and tragic → I need to do something about this).

That is truly wonderful.

Cheers Vineeto

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Hey @Vineeto , always appreciate your very attentive readings of our experiences. I will read it again tomorrow with fresh eyes. There are a few things I will reply on later.

One thing I wanted to convey now though. The kinds of topics that are captivating me are starting to change - today it started with fear and anxiety and existential angst as I wrote about. Later this afternoon, it turned to death and Richard’s writings on the topic.

Namely, this exchange:[Frequently Asked Questions – How to End Fear?]

It’s about ending fear, and death.

Reading this changed my view on what I am doing - where I typically think of the actualism method in a very stepwise, logical way, the discussion around death changed that. It’s like I could see deeper, and truly see the core of fear. The real me that is not allowing enjoyment in a deep sense. The fear that is at the basis of everything as Richard puts it.

Rather than put me into depression, this text did the opposite. It’s as if I could come close to death, come right up to it - each moment again - and much more easily sidestepping my usual way of being (which often seems hopelessly/relentlessly/irreversibly negative in feeling tone). It was like “oh of course I need to actually be peace-on-earth”.

Some moments later I looked up to the sky. and the stars were out, but I didn’t see a pretty sky. I came to my senses and saw deeply into the universe (my nature as a feeling being was completely bypassed in this moment)… It occurred over a very brief time frame but its significance was immense, a direct experience of the universe that completely eradicated my own significance.

(Things normalised later as I met up with someone, but even then my usual angsty depressed lens was gone. Everyone looked so equal and very fresh, whereas usually I’m endlessly comparing myself and everyone. There was much less distinction between everything but everything was amazing on some level. And it was like I wasn’t holding stuff any more like I usually do, a lot of emotional weight was gone.)

I have so many hot tears in my eyes as I write this - Im guessing that in the form of memory this experience is being filtered through ‘me’ and I’m reacting accordingly. It’s because the actual world is more than a feeling being could ever imagine, and I am experiencing huge emotions of empathy (usually by default I tend not to be a majorly empathetic or emotionally self indulgent person) as a result of processing its significance for “me” and for humanity. That it really is as wondrous as promised. I can see that what I’ve been doing is pulling actualism into “me”, dragging it down into the human condition, rather than making my way into the actual world.

I see the vague image of an unimaginable and amazing direct route, that looks somehow viable. Not sure exactly how of course; but my naïveté is busted open enough to think in bold terms.

I wanted to ask, did a time come when you realised you could take such a route? Or was being out-from-control a prerequisite for you. Sorry if it’s covered extensively already, you could also link a relevant section to me if it’s easier.

To put it this way, it’s as if I’ve been studying the theory of the driving test for years but not had a car. Now it’s as if I have a car, and there is road - and I’ve realised that actually driving on this road is going to be completely different to what I imagined when I was theorising. Like an inexperienced driver, I’m both excited and perhaps a bit daunted - there is fear but there is a lot of excitement as well.

Does this resonate at all? Of course it’s weird for me to write everything I’m writing because I have no idea what the territory is in a concrete sense, and could not possibly claim any confidence that I know what’s required to self immolate. It’s all so large and mysterious and unknowable. But nevertheless, there is this underlying intuition that I could abandon theory in favor of some sort of practical boldness.

Again was there a time you felt able to abandon theory or did you achieve seamless virtual freedom first? If you did abandon, was there any theory or “guiding light” needed at that point?

By the way, when I call the actualism method “theory” - I know it’s a practical method but I’m trying to convey that the direct experience is so much further beyond what is imaginable as a feeling being when applying the method in daily life (or at least it was for me).

I’m wondering, in other words, can I leap for that beyond? Or is it better I try to clean myself up more and more first. Maybe applying the method will be easier now, and perhaps align closer to direct experience - I’ll have to see!

I hope what I’ve written has some cogency. It’s weird to write about I’m surprised I was able to communicate something at all here haha.

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The way I experienced stepping out from control was indeed like this. It was like a taster of what can happen when you get in the car and start driving, without knowing for sure where you are going. I experienced it exactly like this, that it wasn’t theorising whilst being firmly stuck in ‘my’ cage but rather I was revving the engine and proceeding forward. Without a map as such but with pure intent as the guiding light, that was where I was going.

It was a great ‘exercise’ in that sense because I got to experience first hand that something substantial can happen. Although at the time it certainly didn’t seem like just an exercise, ‘I’ was revving the engine with all of ‘my’ being over and over relentlessly.

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Felix: Hey Vineeto, always appreciate your very attentive readings of our experiences. I will read it again tomorrow with fresh eyes. There are a few things I will reply on later.
One thing I wanted to convey now though. The kinds of topics that are captivating me are starting to change – today it started with fear and anxiety and existential angst as I wrote about. Later this afternoon, it turned to death and Richard’s writings on the topic.
Namely, this exchange: [Frequently Asked Questions – How to End Fear?] It’s about ending fear, and death.

Reading this changed my view on what I am doing – where I typically think of the actualism method in a very stepwise, logical way, the discussion around death changed that. It’s like I could see deeper, and truly see the core of fear. The real me that is not allowing enjoyment in a deep sense. The fear that is at the basis of everything as Richard puts it.
Rather than put me into depression, this text did the opposite. It’s as if I could come close to death, come right up to it – each moment again – and much more easily sidestepping my usual way of being (which often seems hopelessly/ relentlessly/ irreversibly negative in feeling tone). It was like “oh of course I need to actually be peace-on-earth”.

Hi Felix,

Yes, this is what feeling being ‘Vineeto’ saw as well when ‘she’ wrote:

‘Vineeto’: “I wrote to Irene: ‘Fear in the face of impending death is what potatoes are for a potato-soup, its very ingredients. There is no soup without potatoes, there is no death without fear.’ […]

The final fact was: if I wanted to be free, then ‘I’ have to disappear, self-immolate. What is the point of complaining about this fact? What is the point of postponing the journey because of fear? Fear is the ‘normal’, instinctual reaction of my ‘self’, it is ‘par for the course’. I don’t have to let fear stop me from reaching my goal.” (Actualism, Vineeto, AF List, No. 6, 12.3.1999).

Felix: Some moments later I looked up to the sky. and the stars were out, but I didn’t see a pretty sky. I came to my senses and saw deeply into the universe (my nature as a feeling being was completely bypassed in this moment) … It occurred over a very brief time frame but its significance was immense, a direct experience of the universe that completely eradicated my own significance.
(Things normalised later as I met up with someone, but even then my usual angsty depressed lens was gone. Everyone looked so equal and very fresh, whereas usually I’m endlessly comparing myself and everyone. There was much less distinction between everything but everything was amazing on some level. And it was like I wasn’t holding stuff any more like I usually do, a lot of emotional weight was gone.)

I have so many hot tears in my eyes as I write this – I’m guessing that in the form of memory this experience is being filtered through ‘me’ and I’m reacting accordingly. It’s because the actual world is more than a feeling being could ever imagine, and I am experiencing huge emotions of empathy (usually by default I tend not to be a majorly empathetic or emotionally self-indulgent person) as a result of processing its significance for “me” and for humanity. That it really is as wondrous as promised. I can see that what I’ve been doing is pulling actualism into “me”, dragging it down into the human condition, rather than making my way into the actual world.

This was a wonderful pure consciousness experience. However, when you first report that “things normalised” and then experienced “hot tears” of “huge emotions of empathy”, you had not fully realized what happened. Hence you allowed what could have been an immense appreciation, disperse into “huge emotions” of ‘good feelings’ and thus wasted an opportunity to channel the outcome of the “immense, a direct experience of the universe” into felicitous feelings and immense appreciation. I am telling you so that you may be aware next time when an exceptional opportunity occurs.

Felix: I see the vague image of an unimaginable and amazing direct route, that looks somehow viable. Not sure exactly how of course; but my naïveté is busted open enough to think in bold terms.
I wanted to ask, did a time come when you realised you could take such a route? Or was being out-from-control a prerequisite for you. Sorry if it’s covered extensively already, you could also link a relevant section to me if it’s easier.

There was no realization for ‘Vineeto’ that ‘she’ “could take such a route” as it didn’t exist at the time. It was opened by Richard and Peter on December 30, 2009, a day before Peter became actually free.

To put it this way, it’s as if I’ve been studying the theory of the driving test for years but not had a car. Now it’s as if I have a car, and there is road – and I’ve realised that actually driving on this road is going to be completely different to what I imagined when I was theorising. Like an inexperienced driver, I’m both excited and perhaps a bit daunted – there is fear but there is a lot of excitement as well.
Does this resonate at all? Of course it’s weird for me to write everything I’m writing because I have no idea what the territory is in a concrete sense, and could not possibly claim any confidence that I know what’s required to self-immolate. It’s all so large and mysterious and unknowable. But nevertheless, there is this underlying intuition that I could abandon theory in favor of some sort of practical boldness.

Well, you may have (inadvertently) stumbled upon naiveté, having had to abandon all your theory of actualism by realising that “actually driving” is a different ball-game entirely.

So this is your new territory, to allow and experience and explore and delight in being here, locked in this moment as much as possible, feeling naïve and then being naïve because you don’t know what will happen next, and staying in this ‘modus being’ as much as possible.

But beware, ‘you’, the cunning feeling being, will endeavour to sabotage living this new territory with appealing to your addiction to pressure, to anxiety and achievement and whatever other trick you have already exposed.

I wish you naïve success and ongoing enjoyment and appreciation. Anything less is ‘sudorific’ :blush:.

Felix: By the way, when I call the actualism method “theory” – I know it’s a practical method but I’m trying to convey that the direct experience is so much further beyond what is imaginable as a feeling being when applying the method in daily life (or at least it was for me).
I’m wondering, in other words, can I leap for that beyond? Or is it better I try to clean myself up more and more first. Maybe applying the method will be easier now, and perhaps align closer to direct experience – I’ll have to see!

I understand you completely – theory and actual living it are two different things. You have not even recognized that you have already leapt “for that beyond”, your theory is lagging behind, lol.

Remember, there is only now, only this moment is actual. Live as much as possible “locked into” this moment as described by Peter, Kuba and Richard –

‘Peter’: So, I find myself sitting on a cusp – irrevocably locked into the world as-it-is, with people as-they-are, and perpetually locked into this moment with no ‘other place’ to escape to and no ‘other time’ to escape to. Experiencing that the only impediment to perfection and purity is ‘me’ – ‘who’ I think and feel I am – whatever is selfishly going on in my head and heart and that is often very weird, very strange. But, then again, this is a very weird thing to do – to re-wire one’s brain to the point of self-extinction. Something has to give in this tension and it is bound to be ‘me’. It seems to me that one can make sense of the Human Condition such that one can be virtually free of it but ‘making sense’ then has to be abandoned for direct sensate experiencing. [Emphasis added]. (Actualism, Peter, AF List, No. 13a, 31.1.1999).

Kuba: It seems the freeing aspect of actual time is the fact that this body is locked securely in it, as it is always this moment it is impossible to be anywhere but here now. As it is always this moment there is no distance at all which needs to be bridged between now and then. (link)

Richard: Sensuousness is the wondrous awareness of the marvel of being here now at this moment in time and this place in space – which awareness is combined with the fascination of contemplating that this moment is one’s only moment of being alive – and one is never alive at any other time than now. And, wherever one is … now … one is always here … now … even if one starts walking over to ‘there’ … now … along the way to ‘there’ … now … one is always here … now … and when one arrives ‘there’ … now … it too is here … now. (Richard’s Journal, Appendix Five).

Felix: I hope what I’ve written has some cogency. It’s weird to write about I’m surprised I was able to communicate something at all here haha. (link)

No worries, it is all very clear. Perhaps you can catch the naiveté-virus too.

Cheers Vineeto

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Wow well this quote from Peter couldn’t be timed any better! @claudiu you can probably appreciate this one too.

It is quite uncanny how things operate in actuality. Almost eerie for ‘me’ to try to wrap ‘my’ head around.

@Vineeto it is as if you - by existing outside of the human condition and living securely locked inside eternal time - can “call the shots” before ‘I’ see them. But that is only because those things are already happening, it is ‘me’ that is behind schedule as ‘I’ am locked out of time.
Once ‘I’ catch onto what’s happening it is too late, it’s already in effect.

This has happened multiple times now and it’s a bit mind boggling :laughing:

It is as if what Richard described in this correspondence is what is happening here

thereafter an analogy akin to that of a maestro conducting an orchestra is suggestive of the actual in action

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Peter: It seems to me that one can make sense of the Human Condition such that one can be virtually free of it but ‘making sense’ then has to be abandoned for direct sensate experiencing

Kuba: Wow well this quote from Peter couldn’t be timed any better! @claudiu you can probably appreciate this one too.
It is quite uncanny how things operate in actuality. Almost eerie for ‘me’ to try to wrap ‘my’ head around.
Vineeto it is as if you – by existing outside of the human condition and living securely locked inside eternal time – can “call the shots” before ‘I’ see them. But that is only because those things are already happening, it is ‘me’ that is behind schedule as ‘I’ am locked out of time.
Once ‘I’ catch onto what’s happening it is too late, it’s already in effect.
This has happened multiple times now and it’s a bit mind boggling
It is as if what Richard described in this correspondence is what is happening here
thereafter an analogy akin to that of a maestro conducting an orchestra is suggestive of the actual in action.

Hi Kuba,

I have no idea myself. I did not know what was happening to you and I am delighted you told me. It reminds me of Felix who asked me, what’s next, and he is already right in the middle of this ‘next’. (link)

The quote from Peter was incidental, I had followed another’s link regarding the description of “locked in time” and there at the end of the quote Peter said exactly what I had written to Claudiu, that “‘making sense’ then has to be abandoned for direct sensate experiencing.” It seems apperception has happened without any deliberate plan or thinking. But then, facts are the same everywhere no matter which human being and/or apperceptively conscious human being perceives them.

“Once ‘I’ catch onto what’s happening it is too late, it’s already in effect”. It is “mind boggling” for you because sometimes developments happen which an outside observer can see a little earlier than the person that it is happening to. It is also the inevitable outcome of allowing the universe to run your life via pure intent instead of being in control via the controller.

And sometimes genuine magic does happen (which no science can yet explain because it has to catch up first), such as described in Richard’s tooltips in Peter’s becoming free report on the announcement page (link) – “a report of a marvellous and magical prodigy”, “the portrayal of the out-of-the-ordinary experience”.

What Richard describes at the link you provided establishes one fact for certain, that “happy and harmless (affective) ‘vibes’ and felicitous and innocuous (psychic) ‘currents’ (I have oft-times said that is where the real power-play occurs)” have more power to transform the affective vibes of their fellow humans than the happy and harmless people themselves will ever be aware of.

Kuba: thereafter an analogy akin to that of a maestro conducting an orchestra is suggestive of the actual in action.

In 2009/2010 Richard did seem like “a maestro conducting an orchestra” for a while until events settled down.

What happens at present is rather a demonstration that actuality is the same everywhere (in essence) and synchronicity happens, which may have something to do with common human consciousness devoid of psychic influence, plus the happy and harmless vibes notably increasing on the forum.

I always wondered if there wasn’t such a thing as an existential network based on actual common human consciousness, and the psychic web simply piggy-backs on it and might atrophy at some point in history. However, there is far too little known to speculate any further.

Cheers Vineeto

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Yes I first observed this happening around the time when I went out from control but I think I needed a bit more naïveté and confidence in my experience to write it out, this time I took the risk of appearing foolish haha.

Yes synchronicity is a great word for what I was trying to get at. It’s funny because ‘I’ being locked away from the rest of existence experience it as if ‘I’ am making ‘my’ various discoveries in a vacuum. And yet there is a lot more actually going on.

Well isn’t this another huge bonus of daring to step out from control, as Richard wrote “one is supported by the universe”. And indeed discoveries of a serendipitous nature can be made because of this.

Yes this is something that I am discovering more and more these days and it’s another one of those mind boggling things. Normally ‘I’ experience ‘myself’ as a lone ‘I’, forever separated and sitting in ‘my’ ivory tower, where ‘I’ apparently run the show. And again there is so much more going on. It’s wonderful to contemplate that all this is happening and the outcomes are clearly visible.

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Vineeto: I have no idea myself. I did not know what was happening to you and I am delighted you told me. It reminds me of Felix who asked me, what’s next, and he is already right in the middle of this ‘next’.

Kuba: Yes I first observed this happening around the time when I went out from control but I think I needed a bit more naïveté and confidence in my experience to write it out, this time I took the risk of appearing foolish haha.

Hi Kuba,

Mmh, you didn’t look “foolish” to me but naiveté can have that effect. When you live naively, i.e. when you don’t know what is happening next, because ‘you’ gave over the controls to pure intent living ‘you’, it is only to be expected to be happening more and more. You might as well throw the notion of foolishness out the window and have confidence in the “actually occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that originates in the vast and utter stillness that is the essential character of the universe itself”.

Vineeto: What happens at present is rather a demonstration that actuality is the same everywhere (in essence) and synchronicity happens

Kuba: Yes synchronicity is a great word for what I was trying to get at. It’s funny because ‘I’ being locked away from the rest of existence experience it as if ‘I’ am making ‘my’ various discoveries in a vacuum. And yet there is a lot more actually going on.

That would only be because ‘you’ are still pretending to run the show whereas your experiences prove otherwise (“a lot more actually going on”), such as experiencing fellow travellers as people in their own right. I am confident you experience them that way but are still surprised when the overall information you receive from such near-intimate experience doesn’t fit any of your pre-existing templates. It’s all good fun.

Vineeto: “Once ‘I’ catch onto what’s happening it is too late, it’s already in effect”. It is “mind boggling” for you because sometimes developments happen which an outside observer can see a little earlier than the person that it is happening to. It is also the inevitable outcome of allowing the universe to run your life via pure intent instead of being in control via the controller.

Kuba: Well isn’t this another huge bonus of daring to step out from control, as Richard wrote “one is supported by the universe”. And indeed discoveries of a serendipitous nature can be made because of this.

Exactly. So why allow the ‘controller’ to judge your serendipitous experiences with this backward yardstick? Doesn’t the ‘controller’ know ‘he’ is fired?

Vineeto: What Richard describes at the link you provided establishes one fact for certain, that “happy and harmless (affective) ‘vibes’ and felicitous and innocuous (psychic) ‘currents’ (I have oft-times said that is where the real power-play occurs)” have more power to transform the affective vibes of their fellow humans than the happy and harmless people themselves will ever be aware of.

Kuba: Yes this is something that I am discovering more and more these days and it’s another one of those mind boggling things. Normally ‘I’ experience ‘myself’ as a lone ‘I’, forever separated and sitting in ‘my’ ivory tower, where ‘I’ apparently run the show. And again there is so much more going on. It’s wonderful to contemplate that all this is happening and the outcomes are clearly visible. (link)

Yes, this is this lost, lonely, frightened and very, very cunning entity sitting in the corner sulking for having lost some power instead of coming to the party which is in full swing, and gladly giving up their burdensome existence for a very noble cause – nothing less than peace on earth. I do understand from memory what a stubborn fellow ‘I’ can be.

Cheers Vineeto

PS: As for the “Maestro” in this quote “thereafter an analogy akin to that of a maestro conducting an orchestra is suggestive of the actual in action” – it did give me an existential jolt of puissance reading it – perhaps you do vaguely (?) perceive something which I cannot, as I do not act according any ‘plan’ other than furthering peace on earth as well as I can.

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Hehe he knows he is fired but still shows up to work and pretends like he isn’t :smile:. The coworkers politely point this out yet he hasn’t got the message yet enough to realize he can just leave, no further burden necessary :joy:.

(Note the “he” here of course refers to me, Claudiu the feeling-being writing this :wink:)

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Hey @Vineeto

It’s funny because my message was about taking a direct route and avoiding a clean up.

But ever since that PCE I have been doing nothing but clean up and it’s fantastic.

I can’t make declaratory statements about exactly what’s happening, but I am in a totally new phase of discovering freedom.

I actually think this is paving the way for virtual freedom - I seem to be successfully eliminating anxiety, which at root is what has held myself and my identity in place so punitively all these years.

It’s quite amazing. When I read about Richard eliminating anger some years ago, I didn’t see how he did it. And so I didn’t do anything similar.

I understand @scout when he says that asking HAIETMOBA seems to have increased anxiety. Of course anything that is not in the direction of happy and harmless is not the method, but I do understand how the identity misappropriates the method and mucks it all up big time.

Reading what you recently wrote about control really helped - reinforcing that it’s not my fault if I get triggered and I don’t have to stamp it out like a fire or something haha. This “allowance” of what is is key to freedom I think.

Another thing that has really helped is understanding the difference between different feeling states and using feeling good as a comparative measure. By that I mean, when feeling good, I look back at previous emotional struggles I had a day or two earlier and ask what it was about.

It’s starting to really make sense that to feel anxious is so silly - it adds absolutely nothing and only brings its own problems. But it wouldn’t have been enough just to call it silly - it’s the familiarity with feeling good which is the mop that cleans everything up.

If feeling anxious was making unwell, which it was, feeling happy and harmless is making me well - and it feels great to feel that happening also.

I haven’t been throwing down any gauntlets to myself re self immolation; I’m enjoying the journey of progress so to speak for now :slight_smile:

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I remember the phrase I referred to. Richard would ask himself if he wants to be “dull and degenerate”

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Felix: Hey Vineeto

It’s funny because my message was about taking a direct route and avoiding a clean up.

Hi Felix,

Ha, I wouldn’t recommend it – you have a habit of changing any task you set yourself into a sudorific enterprise. First get this habit of doing so completely out of your system with an ongoing affective attentiveness and focus on enjoyment and appreciation.

Felix: But ever since that PCE I have been doing nothing but clean up and it’s fantastic.

Excellent.

Felix: I can’t make declaratory statements about exactly what’s happening, but I am in a totally new phase of discovering freedom.

Ha, you can’t? You just did, and continue to do so too :blush:

Felix: I actually think this is paving the way for virtual freedom – I seem to be successfully eliminating anxiety, which at root is what has held myself and my identity in place so punitively all these years.
It’s quite amazing. When I read about Richard eliminating anger some years ago, I didn’t see how he did it. And so I didn’t do anything similar.

First, Richard said after the event he described (link) full-blow anger was gone. Second, anger and fear are different. Fear, the one which arises when one fully recognizes that ‘I’ am nothing but a contingent ‘being’, is an existential fear, you can’t eliminate that just like that. It only goes when you self-immolate in your entirety.

Anxiety, which is not of the same existential nature, is comparatively easy to handle, once you have recognized and dealt with the habit of suppressing and running away from your feelings. You seem to have successfully worked yourself out of the ‘state of anxiety’ accompanied by painful physical symptoms, so now all the different forms of anxiety are ready to be picked and disinclined whenever you become aware of them interfering with your enjoyment and appreciation.

Felix: I understand @scout when he says that asking HAIETMOBA seems to have increased anxiety. Of course anything that is not in the direction of happy and harmless is not the method, but I do understand how the identity misappropriates the method and mucks it all up big time.

Well I don’t think you read Scout’s reply to me carefully enough –

VINEETO: Are you saying that the moment you become aware how you experience yourself, the fact of being aware makes the experience “painful and exhausting”? Or has it been like that all along, and you were refusing to/afraid to acknowledge it?
SCOUT: The latter, but lending it attention makes the pain feel more acute than numbing it (even though I remain low-grade agitated while numbing too). I’ve been trying to work on not fighting it, it’s just hard bc if I don’t it feels kind of overwhelming. (link)

You see he recognized that the feelings where there before and becoming aware of them “makes the pain feel more acute than numbing it.” Which means it is not as you say “that asking HAIETMOBA seems to have increased anxiety” – so stop spreading discouraging rumours about the actualism method, just because you interpreted your own experience with the actualism method this way. I still think that Scout’s experience is the same that yours was – the actualism method makes you aware of what is already there.

And from false interpretation or sloppy observation arises resentment, and another obstacle to feeling good is added.

Felix: Reading what you recently wrote about control really helped – reinforcing that it’s not my fault if I get triggered and I don’t have to stamp it out like a fire or something haha. This “allowance” of what is, is key to freedom I think.

You mean this bit?

Vineeto to Scout: So that is an understanding which needs to happen first, at a fundamental level. You are this swirling vortex created by ever-changing instinctual passions and it is not your fault (because everyone is born that way).
With this firmly in mind you can stop blaming yourself and you will find that the moment you do that, the feeling itself will diminish (not disappear) but lose some of its strength. The reason is that fighting the feeling you are feeding it.
Now when you put this in practice and notice the effect, you can pat yourself on the back that you had your first insight and success. Be a friend to yourself (the only one you are with 24hrs a day).
The other benefit of recognizing and accepting that you are your feelings is that you are not a victim, neither a victim of your own feelings nor a victim of other people’s feelings. (link)

Or perhaps this one?

Richard: What I have observed over many years is that a normal person has a propensity to blame – to find fault rather than to find causes – when it comes to dealing with the human condition … if for no other reason than that finding the cause means the end of ‘me’ (or the beginning of the end of ‘me’).
Whereas endlessly repeating mea culpa keeps ‘me’ in existence. (Richard, AF List, No. 27c, 9 Sep 2002).

Felix: Another thing that has really helped is understanding the difference between different feeling states and using feeling good as a comparative measure. By that I mean, when feeling good, I look back at previous emotional struggles I had a day or two earlier and ask what it was about.

Well, that really is a sign that the “previous emotional struggles” have disappeared out of your system. It’s fascinating how it works, hey?

Felix: It’s starting to really make sense that to feel anxious is so silly – it adds absolutely nothing and only brings its own problems. But it wouldn’t have been enough just to call it silly – it’s the familiarity with feeling good which is the mop that cleans everything up.
If feeling anxious was making unwell, which it was, feeling happy and harmless is making me well – and it feels great to feel that happening also.

This is excellent – when you can see that being anxious is silly because it makes you unwell, then it is so easy to get back to feeling good. You are back to where you wanted to be, and stay, on November 3 2024 –

Felix: Since then, feeling good has been arising very easily – which is all quite simple and delightful.
I’m just inviting it more and more, which is as much about staying out of the way and not getting triggered than anything else.[emphasis added]. (link)

Felix: I haven’t been throwing down any gauntlets to myself re self immolation; I’m enjoying the journey of progress so to speak for now (link)

Ha, this is warrior language – do you see your life as a battle against demons and dragons and other antagonists? In fact, against yourself and ‘self’-immolation as a battle to be fought. My, my, you still have a lot to learn lol. Just as well you “haven’t been throwing down any gauntlets” .

I had understood that being friends with yourself had appealed to you? Maybe I was wrong.

Cheers Vineeto

+++

Felix: I remember the phrase I referred to. Richard would ask himself if he wants to be “dull and degenerate” (link)

Here it is – and he didn’t ask “himself”, he said “to ask oneself”, as a ‘wake-up jab’. It is in only one correspondence (then copied into 4 selected correspondences) – no wonder I didn’t remember it –

VINEETO: Richard gave a wonderful description on how to induce a peak-experience: ‘To get out of ‘stuckness’ one gets off one’s backside and does whatever one knows best to activate delight. Delight is what is humanly possible, given sufficient pure intent obtained from the felicity/ innocuity born of the pure consciousness experience, and from the position of delight, one can vitalise one’s joie de vivre by the amazement at the fun of it all … and then one can – with sufficient abandon – become over-joyed and move into marvelling at being here and doing this business called being alive now. Then one is no longer intuitively making sense of life … the delicious wonder of it all drives any such instinctive meaning away. Such luscious wonder fosters the innate condition of naiveté – the nourishing of which is essential if fascination in it all is to occur – and the charm of life itself easily engages dedication to peace-on-earth. Then, as one gazes intently at the world about by glancing lightly with sensuously caressing eyes, out of the corner of one’s eye comes – sweetly – the magical fairy-tale-like paradise that this verdant earth actually is … and one is the experiencing of what is happening. But refrain from possessing it and making it your own … or else ‘twill vanish as softly as it appeared. (Richard, AF List, Alan, 13 Dec 1998).
RESPONDENT: I have a bit of trouble summoning up delight (as Richard suggests), as it seems imaginary, as opposed to the release that comes with facing issues. That is still under consideration though.
RICHARD: The first sentence of above paragraph is specifically designed to get one out of ‘stuckness’ … it is not intended as an on-going way of living life. It is a short, sharp shock of attention – a ‘kick-start’ in the jargon – to counteract the ‘I didn’t ask to be born’ resentment that caused the stuckness in the first place. Another ‘wake-up jab’ (which makes use of any remnant of pride) is to ask oneself: ‘I have two choices right now: being happy and harmless or being dull and degenerate … which way do I sensibly choose to spend this never-to-be-repeated precious moment of living so that I can honestly call myself a mature adult?’
A happy and harmless person has a much better chance of precipitating a PCE … which is the essential pre-requisite for an actual freedom (otherwise this is all theory). It goes without saying, surely, that a grumpy person locks themselves out of being here … now.
For a full and comprehensive explication of what this succinct paragraph conveys you may care to access the article: ‘Attentiveness and Sensuousness and Apperceptiveness’ on my Web Page. [emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, No. 3, 16 Feb 1999).

Cheers Vineeto

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It’s going to be a bit “embarrassing” going into this. No one will be accusing me of being a good actualist after this post. But nonetheless this is what’s coming up, so here goes:

I just got back to feeling good after an intense investigation.

There is a very neurotic issue that I’ve tried to just skip over many many times but which nonetheless plagues me truly, madly, deeply. I’ll try to explain it a bit here. Anything I write is simply a report of my feelings - I’m not defending these beliefs or this worldview.

Basically, it seems to really deeply hurt me that I cannot reach perfect standards - and in one main area, which is my body/physicality.

It has got right out of hand. An extreme neuroticism in this area that I am trying to bring myself from the edge off , given I can see how clearly this is blocking my enjoyment and appreciation for being here. You could also call it a projection, of everything that I feel, and making it the fault of my body.

And of course what an unhappy position, to be so punitive of your own body that you dig your heels in further with strong self admonishment and a desperate competitiveness.

The trigger is usually to do with being outcompeted physically by other males. This is way more of an issue to me than being outcompeted intellectually (where I guess I feel there is less of an extreme difference) or in other areas like money or whatever

I’ll try to speak to what the feelings are:

I cannot believe the degree to how good looking other guys are, particularly in Australia where fitness culture is truly rife, and particularly when in the vicinity of the beach.

I am extremely intimidated by this, seeing guys completely lean and jacked, tanned bodies, tapered waists, smooth clean skin. And as I get older, often younger than me. It’s like everyone looks so natural, so belonging; whereas I feel like a sort of subpar alien freak.

I get triggered by this about 10 times a day. It gets me RIGHT at the core of who I am and how I feel - and has completely burrowed its way into controlling my baseline mood.

Now intellectually I know it’s all kind of silly. It must look ridiculous for me to be absolutely submissively DYING in reaction to seeing these guys.

It’s silly because:

  1. Many Aussie guys have spent the last 5-10 years going to the gym constantly and living an active lifestyle. I have been doing music in Europe mostly, and then the last few years focusing on other stuff.

  2. Many of these guys I idolise so much have very different genetics to me - I actually couldn’t look like them even if I wanted to. I have that “Scottish”/caucasian and stocky look…not the sleek, tanned, lean and blonde look that would make me look perfectly intrinsic to this environment.
    I obviously can’t control what other people look like, and only to minimal degree can I choose what I look like.

  3. Recently I have improved my appearance as a result of doing more fitness and spending time outdoors in the sun. My mental health and sleep have also been improving which has made a lot of difference - the burnout was completely messing with my hormones and “ruined” my body you could say. So I can see that I can also approach these high standard guys if I were to go to the gym every day and continue to focus on it. But at the same time I know I will get older inevitably so it will be temporary.

Again I am sure from the outside this looks almost disturbed, and I do wonder how I have such a deep almost traumatic outlook on life in this regard that my APPEARANCE would be the defining factor of life…even for real world people this is on the extreme side.

Often times after being triggered in this way I am so overtaken by the feelings and my own psyche, it’s like I don’t have a body or a physical appearance of my own. I feel like I’m nothing and worthless and I expect to see a total golem in the mirror. It’s become a neurotic condition.

I am often surprised when I do look in the mirror that I am kinda handsome or at least more attractive than what I feel just walking around. But this needs regular validation and I’m often checking myself in the mirror and on the look out for faults and detriments - obviously easy to find when comparing myself to hundreds of other guys out and about.

I used to consider this all so crazy that I think I couldn’t talk about it. I have been feeling a lot better lately and so it’s like I have more space and mental safety to explore this all now.

It’s silly because if the point of being attractive is to find a mate, then why would I need to worry about what I look like when it’s “not my problem” so to speak; to assess my own appearance.

And even then, it’s not like I’ve had huge problems finding people that find me attractive. I notice girls “checking me out” reasonably often (they obviously take me to be heterosexual) and I’ve been with plenty of guys as well. This does absolutely nothing to provide any kind of security.

It misses the point completely because in any case, I haven’t had many long-lasting relationships - which would surely be a better issue goal than looking a certain way. It’s been a revolving door of guys and flings for 10 years. I seem to completely “take myself out of” the real world on account of assessing myself not good enough - as if to exclude myself from everything to do with love and intimacy. To the extent that I couldn’t claim to know what love and intimacy are for how little I’ve experienced them.

Does it all come down to validation? And is that perhaps what homosexuality is? I don’t know many gay guys that aren’t very insecure and totally obsessed with their own appearance (@pelagash is an exception I would say). They usually hang around with each other in groups, attend CrossFit religiously, wear Speedos whenever possible and then attend night clubs shirtless with the goal of finding the next hot guy to get with. I don’t do that stuff particularly, but I still have that mindset. Sex, youth and the body beautiful are the Gods of Homosexuality. I honestly wonder if being gay is just males competing with each other in a kind of sadomachistic way. I’m not saying no gay people fall in love; but it’s not that common and “open relationships” are rife.

And is sex not also what is fueling these feelings of competitiveness and desperation for other guys and using my own appearance as currency for status seeking? I’m not just jealous of these guys, I want to throw myself at them; submit to them, WORSHIP them. There is a blind horniness to it in a way - an animalistic pull that turns off my prefrontal cortex and turns me into a completely driven…thing. And in this being driven I seem to be willing almost to destroy myself, abandon myself, put myself in danger psychologically - it’s almost a suicidal desperation that ensues. Like I’ll never reach the CLOSENESS I desperately desire; I’ll never free myself of this deep loneliness, because I’ll never be good enough to deserve to just feel good and have intimacy with others.

Essentially it’s like saying - in order to feel good I need to be better than everyone else. And if I can’t be better than everyone else; I should die. It sounds absurd but this is what the feelings about it are like! It’s a jihadist mindset. A draconian, bullying ideology that would never allow peace on earth to ensue. It makes the world one of winners and losers, with those who are “good enough” entitled to praise, plenty and superiority over others, whereas those who fall below the standard deserved of shame; certainly not entitled to a happy existence.

But the crazy thing is that I don’t judge people who look “worse” than me, if I can put it that way. I allow them to live just fine - if they are overweight or old or whatever. It’s just me who has to either be the top 0.1% or seemingly not entitled to my own existence.

So really, it’s a very sinister way of being able to bully and punish myself relentlessly. It’s a way to be able to feel bad, my whole life long, as I inevitably get older and less attractive. Even when I do reach my own standard of feeling good - cause I realise it will fade and I’ll die anyway - that there is a new batch of hotter younger guys coming along every year.

It seems a way to keep myself out of the whole game of life. To nail the resentment for being a life to my mast. As if to say “I won’t participate in life, won’t fall in love, won’t foster intimacy; and won’t feel good - because I am NOT GOOD ENOUGH. To be good enough, I have to be BETTER than others.”

Why have I come to blame myself so hard? I am relentlessly hard on myself, and thus hard on others. I don’t think I wield crazy “psychic battles” as such, but I do have a fierce intellect and can chop people up with words and feed it back to them.

I sometimes feel people trying to know me, but I push them away. They can’t pierce my hard exterior. As if to say “don’t come close to me, cause then you could hurt me”. Which is why barely anyone knows me, in terms of what I think and feel. How different am I to these hardened criminals that Vineeto was talking about, when I am almost just as hardened?

This WHOLE approach and way of feeling has truly become my way to survive. It’s so deliciously fucked up how I’ve created the perfect cunning trap to perpetuate mental torture unto myself and keep me alive as a psyche. I wouldn’t call it dissociation but it’s…something. Like a kind of narcissism or masochistic bent that seemingly protects me from the world because I am going to be way harder on myself before anything else can hurt me.

So actualism wise, what’s the answer here to this whole imbroglio I am in? I have tried to explore my feelings as honestly as possible in this text - and yet I am not sure still that I would not be liable to get almost as triggered the next time the next superior guy comes along.

Obviously getting back to feeling good is key. But am I missing naïveté, what’s going to actually get me beneath these feelings; and free myself of them?

Or is this a kind of trauma, that needs to be brought to light by going into the feelings further. Fully exploring the nature of them and feeling how they work within me.

Or is this all just the “self” doing it’s thing as normal, and it’s something to be bypassed via more of a direct walk down the “other way” that does deliver the goods, when my way clearly doesn’t. Am I in fact creating problems and perpetuating drama by opening up this whole Pandora’s box of insecurity?

Is this seemingly very core issue of mine one of these inverted pyramids Richard referred to, the capstone of which I could pull out and cause the whole mental construct of me to come teetering down completely?

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I can relate to your post, but in slightly different ways.

I wonder if

  1. Part of your self-judgement is coming from real-world values?
  2. Part of your self-judgement is coming from your own desire for a companion that looks good?
  3. Will looking good get you what you want? Yes - in the real world. But is that really what you want?

There must be some seriousness going on in regards to these things and I often see myself take things seriously when I believe they will deliver the goods. I project my deepest desire for ultimate satisfaction onto an object or goal and I become emotionally invested in a belief. I find that if I can remember sincerely that real-world/conditional things aren’t going to deliver the happiness I truly want, and if I ask myself what it is I truly want, then something happens where I no longer take the real-world stuff so seriously. It’s like I can still play in it, but it’s more like a fun game or experiment than something that is life-or-death.

I also found stubborn-determination to remind myself that the happiness and peace I’m looking for cannot and will not be found in any real-world or instinctual desire helps put things into perspective. Desire is fundamentally misdirected - 180 degrees. So connecting with my deepest desire helps calibrate things. Perhaps in those 10 moments of the day where you feel bad, you could use that as a reminder to connect with your deepest desire (actual freedom from the human condition - aka - your retirement).

But mostly I wonder if you dig into this arena surrounding the seriousness of the matter if it might resolve the issue and perhaps even allow you to better explore how you want to look.

I appreciate the candidness.

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Hey I might reply point by point tomorrow. But just to update - this investigation has done wonders…

My ability to enjoy and appreciate has opened up
immensely as a result of clearing myself of this habit (granted it might come back and I’ll be on the look out). Quite amazing.

At the end of the day in terms of what the “problem” was, it’s very simple and straightforward. To not go through the same old pain again, all that was required was for me to be willing to not continue to run those same old feelings and beliefs. It seems that by exposing what I believe, the feeling-related habits become very obvious and one of course does not want to go down that lane anymore. This is simple and quite the opposite of the real world approach, where the problems I described would be considered complex, and presumably requiring some kind of therapy.

In terms of how those issues developed, there is biographical complexity to how I became like that, (for one, via trauma and burnout I escaped into sexual addiction, which means a propensity to allow sexual drive to drive and control oneself, that then becomes an engrained habit), but i don’t think an “explanatory” answer is necessary for fixing it - that would be like normal therapy

Whereas, I’ve been feeling remarkably comfortable in my own body the last few hours. This came as a result of realising it was me all along who made myself feel ugly/not good enough which literally made it seem like it was my body/appearance that was ugly/not good enough.

As for seriousness, it’s not just that I was taking the issue seriously, but that the feelings ARE the seriousness (neurochemically speaking).

I realise these are very quick results, but since the investigation I’ve not even been thinking about my appearance, it’s become such a non-issue. And I’m at a beach house with my shirt off and everything, not worried in the slightest. I’m really enjoying the atmosphere and freedom of not being triggered in this way.

The lack of sexual feelings and lack of self-consciousness and shame has created a gentle milieu. I’ve been hanging out with my Mum and there is this gentleness and openness, I can see her so so clearly, almost intimately. I am sure I am coming closer.

This has worked better than I ever would have expected. I’m gobsmacked actually. I am guessing that this issue is so central to how I feel generally, and by seeing it all I’ve cleared some serious toxicity out of the system.

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Just a quick note that may help in future investigations too, and encourage you to not hold back and to look into all as you did here:

I found what you wrote to be perfectly ‘normal’ and common!

Some people are indeed very obsessed with appearance, that is a core part of their identity. Others may be more obsessed with their intellect or their do-goodiness etc.

You may enjoy watching “The Substance” which satirizes (in a truly grotesque and often hard-to-watch way) the impossible beauty standards of Hollywood.

I’ve gathered that it’s common among extremely attractive women to be very insecure in how they look. The more attractive the more insecure, even.

It’s just a fact of life in a world of 8 billion people that someone will be more attractive than you, and that you will age and lose the youthfulness and attractiveness you have. Some do not want to accept it and thus the insecurity which often leads to very sad body enhancement operations that go wrong and leave them worse off…

In any case I just write this because a large obstacle to investigating, and admitting to oneself that one has X or Y issue, is this feeling that they are uniquely horrible, uniquely deranged, uniquely morally reprehensible, and therefore one tries to hide it and repress or suppress it.

As the world has 8 billion humans it’s more likely that many have the same and even worse issues. So there’s no need to hide, better come out in the open and reveal all — and this even can just be done to oneself, you don’t have to tell anyone about it — they won’t know your internal state of mind has shifted!

Cheers and wonderful to see you making progress on such a profound issue,
Claudiu

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