Hey @Vineeto , always appreciate your very attentive readings of our experiences. I will read it again tomorrow with fresh eyes. There are a few things I will reply on later.
One thing I wanted to convey now though. The kinds of topics that are captivating me are starting to change - today it started with fear and anxiety and existential angst as I wrote about. Later this afternoon, it turned to death and Richard’s writings on the topic.
Namely, this exchange:[Frequently Asked Questions How to End Fear?]
It’s about ending fear, and death.
Reading this changed my view on what I am doing - where I typically think of the actualism method in a very stepwise, logical way, the discussion around death changed that. It’s like I could see deeper, and truly see the core of fear. The real me that is not allowing enjoyment in a deep sense. The fear that is at the basis of everything as Richard puts it.
Rather than put me into depression, this text did the opposite. It’s as if I could come close to death, come right up to it - each moment again - and much more easily sidestepping my usual way of being (which often seems hopelessly/relentlessly/irreversibly negative in feeling tone). It was like “oh of course I need to actually be peace-on-earth”.
Some moments later I looked up to the sky. and the stars were out, but I didn’t see a pretty sky. I came to my senses and saw deeply into the universe (my nature as a feeling being was completely bypassed in this moment)… It occurred over a very brief time frame but its significance was immense, a direct experience of the universe that completely eradicated my own significance.
(Things normalised later as I met up with someone, but even then my usual angsty depressed lens was gone. Everyone looked so equal and very fresh, whereas usually I’m endlessly comparing myself and everyone. There was much less distinction between everything but everything was amazing on some level. And it was like I wasn’t holding stuff any more like I usually do, a lot of emotional weight was gone.)
I have so many hot tears in my eyes as I write this - Im guessing that in the form of memory this experience is being filtered through ‘me’ and I’m reacting accordingly. It’s because the actual world is more than a feeling being could ever imagine, and I am experiencing huge emotions of empathy (usually by default I tend not to be a majorly empathetic or emotionally self indulgent person) as a result of processing its significance for “me” and for humanity. That it really is as wondrous as promised. I can see that what I’ve been doing is pulling actualism into “me”, dragging it down into the human condition, rather than making my way into the actual world.
I see the vague image of an unimaginable and amazing direct route, that looks somehow viable. Not sure exactly how of course; but my naïveté is busted open enough to think in bold terms.
I wanted to ask, did a time come when you realised you could take such a route? Or was being out-from-control a prerequisite for you. Sorry if it’s covered extensively already, you could also link a relevant section to me if it’s easier.
To put it this way, it’s as if I’ve been studying the theory of the driving test for years but not had a car. Now it’s as if I have a car, and there is road - and I’ve realised that actually driving on this road is going to be completely different to what I imagined when I was theorising. Like an inexperienced driver, I’m both excited and perhaps a bit daunted - there is fear but there is a lot of excitement as well.
Does this resonate at all? Of course it’s weird for me to write everything I’m writing because I have no idea what the territory is in a concrete sense, and could not possibly claim any confidence that I know what’s required to self immolate. It’s all so large and mysterious and unknowable. But nevertheless, there is this underlying intuition that I could abandon theory in favor of some sort of practical boldness.
Again was there a time you felt able to abandon theory or did you achieve seamless virtual freedom first? If you did abandon, was there any theory or “guiding light” needed at that point?
By the way, when I call the actualism method “theory” - I know it’s a practical method but I’m trying to convey that the direct experience is so much further beyond what is imaginable as a feeling being when applying the method in daily life (or at least it was for me).
I’m wondering, in other words, can I leap for that beyond? Or is it better I try to clean myself up more and more first. Maybe applying the method will be easier now, and perhaps align closer to direct experience - I’ll have to see!
I hope what I’ve written has some cogency. It’s weird to write about I’m surprised I was able to communicate something at all here haha.