Felix's Diary

I have been feeling good with heaps of excitement today. I seem unable to feel good without this huge level of excitement/arousal. Just went for a walk in order to look at that and try to bring down the excitement and come into something more sincere.

I’ve kept feeling good and had the widest smile imaginable almost to aching point like gurning when you are on drugs but feeling so good it doesn’t matter. And this has now become crying and crying with happiness and relief and joy. Very similar to an acid trip a month or two back. Maybe it’s because I’m listening to Reggae HAHA.

Everytime I refresh my enjoyment and appreciation it only increases my crying haha. Ive told work something has come up - I couldn’t care less right now haha. I know this is not what I am supposed to be aiming for - I’ve gone right into that tears streaming gratitude thing, but nevertheless it’s a great experience and it shows me that the method is working. Im finally going in the right (general) direction, which is feeling good and enjoyment and appreciation. Even if my aim is a little off haha.


Exactly, Felix. Calls to mind last night: I was lying down waiting for sleep to overtake when a thread of contemplation that was initiated a couple weeks ago resumed. It involved musing upon that which is indisputable, which led to the recognition that experience itself is indisputable. Hallucinations, thoughts, imagining, feeling, sensatation, the universe is the source of it all. Furthermore, the experience of these phenomena are occurring undeniably, and thus factually. This lead to the contemplation that consciousness, the activity involved in being aware, was itself an undeniably physical occurrence; a physical occurrence that is fundamentally the same as everything in the universe which exists. From that point, the division line between what was occurring ‘inside’ and ‘outside’ became permeable. The arbitrary line was not holding up. What was once perceived as a closed system was now being perceived as an open system. A mild, gentle calming sensation ensued until musings drifted to other matters.


Je suis confused as fuck maintenant :grimacing:.

Par for the course :grin:

I think you’re doing fine!
And it’s always a pleasure to read your posts :grinning:.

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Now it’s time to choose naivete and get to the level of feeling good that only innocence can provide. I am guessing the actually free people did this process in single sessions, rather than a kind of virtual freedom “stack” approach (feel good across the board first, then start choosing naivete across the board etc) which I seem to be taking. Hopefully that doesn’t matter.

Of course, much of what we write in our groups, as @geoffrey said in that virtual meeting, is to clarify things for ourselves and not necessarily to receive straight answers or even the opinions of others (all the more so in a journal like this).

However, reading carefully what you wrote, I wanted to mark those two fragments because:

  • you manage to notice that some type of excitement obscures naivete, benevolence and harmlessness
  • you notice that there is a level of feeling good that only innocence can provide.
  • BUT you notice at the same time that you are taking a kind of stacking approach (we could call it serial vs parallel) and that “hopefully that doesn’t matter”.

I think that it does matter. The stacking/serial approach is enough to feel good, but not to raise the bar and feel better than good when/if this new level depends on being, at the same time, more naive, benevolent and harmless. And, sooner or later, feeling better than good, feeling excelent, etc., depends on them.

So, that’s one of the problems, in my experience, with feeling good right now but having naivete, benevolence and harmlessness as an “end goal”: It has a ceiling right now that cannot be raised…

Perhaps you weren’t having bad feelings because you were busy riding that good feeling? The excitement/crash, up/down can be an indication of this. Also the crying sounds like stress spilling out through the cracks. Do you feel emotionally depleted after the excitement?

Remember, when feeling good – as opposed to feeling good feelings – you know that you could easily feel that way for the rest of your life without a chance of burning out. In fact it takes up way way less energy than good/bad feelings.

Just something to look out for.

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Can you go into what way it would be a misappropriation, to analyse the ramifications of such a discovery?

I may understand what you wrote differently than intended, but I would actively encourage you to explore the ramifications. Literally all 7 billion people are missing this… literally it’s something new to human existence… literally it is the actual meaning of life… literally fulfillment is just “waiting” around the corner… this is no small thing! And I think appreciating the vast scope of it can only be helpful.

Ah indeed – I see now that you wrote it would be a misappropriation to analyze it, I didn’t catch that word before. What I meant is to contemplate the ramifications of it (in that way that you can’t help but do), as opposed to trying to intellectually analyze or conceptualize it. Such contemplation will cause a rememoration of the experience… and this is the way in which the ramifications will become appreciated (as in “to grasp the nature, worth, quality, or significance of”). And this can only help - which is why I actively encourage you to do so :smiley:

This would indeed be “keep[ing] things at the forefront experientially” so I think you already have the right idea.

I don’t have a good short definition per se, but I basically think of it as pondering, and wondering, sincerely, about I suppose any topic, but particularly topics related to what it means to be alive. It is sort of like asking a question but not looking for an intellectual or emotional answer, but rather an experiential one. When done properly it is very felicitous and brings a delicious quality into my experiencing.

Yea the idea is that you are looking for an experiential answer. Knowing that peace on earth is actually possible, is intrinsic to a PCE – it is part of the experience. Not to say everyone in every PCE will recognize this, but it is there :slight_smile: . And to a degree it is knowable via pure intent, as in that connection to the PCE. It leads you in that direction.

My sincerity project continues, and always seems to come back to acknowledging my feelings rather than pasting over them.

I have this tremendous tendency to want to jump to the end (virtual/actual freedom) without doing the work - specifically, feeling or investigating feelings. Here I am wanting the big trophy, the magic, the glory, the “shield from life”, the easy living - but where’s the sincerity?

Sometimes even when I am just on a break from work or something, I can feel myself almost unable to put the phone down. I don’t want to feel what’s coming (or what’s been avoided) when I cut out the distraction. This is even when it’s not even big emotion - often it’s just boredom or restlessness. It’s like “I” need constant feeding.

There are parts of each day where I am able to enjoy and appreciate, for sure, and it’s more often, for sure. But there is still a lot of time when I just seem to want to repress or distract myself from what I am feeling. The displeasure of feelings aside, it’s like I think I am slowing myself down too much by feeling what I am feeling (if it isn’t good). “Oh no, I can’t be feeling this, that means I am failing at actualism! Im supposed to feel good each moment again”.

My mantra: “Feel feelings, allow naivete, prioritise felicity.”

Hi Felix. Being excited seems like a good thing to get on the wave of heading toward becoming free. In Srinath’s report of becoming free he wrote. “I was getting more and more obsessed with my ending. I was like an excited kid with a new video game”.

And about the night he became free he wrote “That night I was so excited I found it hard to sleep. I was just walking around in the dark experiencing this night-time wonderland completely unencumbered”

By the way it’s really inspiring to read your writings, gives me the butterflies of excitement also.


Gah the snapback is real. Oof.

That’s awesome :smiley:

Haha well luckily actualism is not a spiritual old-age wisdom kind of situation where you have to pretend not to try while you are trying but not really :smiley:

Actualism is all about sincerity… if you clearly want something then it clearly makes sense to go for it, and not to try to fool yourself about what you’re trying to do.

Rather it is more a matter of perfecting the technique :smiley:

So it is very simple, nothing mystical about it. What you do is you reflect back on what got you into that wonder and amazement – what was it that allowed you to let it happen? And do more of that

And then you look at what doesn’t work. What stopped it from happening? What doesn’t work for making it happen again? And you literally stop doing that.

From my experience this was quite a shift when I started to recognize (and it was only a few months ago maybe) that a very simple and effective thing is just not continuing to do what clearly doesn’t work. So for example you get frustrated, and you know that doesn’t work… why keep getting frustrated then? You already know it won’t get you there.

And this is the only part that might be considered ‘hard’ (the rest is quite easy, isn’t it?? :smiley: ) – ‘I’ dont want to stop doing the things ‘I’ usually do, because they have been “working” for ‘me’ ‘my’ whole life. Of course I must get frustrated, that’s what people do, that’s how I can drive things to happen, yadda yadda… and you don’t want to give it up. Because if you give it up, that is one less reason for you to continue existing. And that’s the scary part. But it’s also the thrilling part :smiley:

So my advice would be to keep those wondrous experiences in mind, as a stable and firm memory, knowing that it’s something you’re able to do and get back to – and that gives you something to aim for. And then keep experimenting with finding your way back there. Basically its what it seems you are already doing :smiley: but I can assure you it is ‘ok’ and indeed I recommend it, to stop doing what you know doesn’t work.


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Hi @Miguel , could you explain ( a difficult concept ) that you just mentioned , please !

Hi, @FrankN. Welcome! It’s good to see the forum growing.

May be, but… what concept did I mention? :grimacing: :smiley:

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Yes it is ‘me’ that needs to be the one to ‘allow it to happen,’ as well as to wake up every day (or at least often enough for it to happen) and ‘get the ball rolling’ in terms of putting conscious work into doing the actualism method (of enjoying & appreciating this moment of being alive, each moment again).

Richard told me that ‘I’ must become ‘my’ very best friend, in fact ‘I’ must eventually agree wholeheartedly to self-immolation, it will not happen unless ‘I’ am completely on board. This is also why you’ll sometimes read Richard saying things like “I am full of admiration for the identity ‘Richard’ who all those years ago went through the process that eventually led to his demise.”

‘You’ are essential to this process (:

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Had some similar thoughts yesterday. I was feeling good all day and was even able to sensibly get back to feeling good when something was dragging me down. I noticed how straight-forward being in a good mood is. It is the same good mood I can remember from before I ever knew about self-help/spiritualism/actualism/psychology/etc, or even before adulthood. Somehow I always end up becoming too clever and think that this is an intellectual challenge, thus becoming sophisticated.


I have had this same experience many times.

‘Being’ tends to only remember itself, which means when we’re unhappy we only remember things that verify that world-view

Part of why establishing a strong link to pure intent is essential :slight_smile:

The sincerity in seeing all this goes a long way, you have an opportunity to change your approach.

‘Unfair’ sounds like you have a moral belief in diligence/determination looking a certain way and showing success a certain way.

I’ve done similar repression for a long time, especially once I started having some success with the method ‘I’ started having a stake in it and of course had certain ideas of what ‘my’ progress should look like. I caught on eventually after going in circles a lot and having ‘reminder’ PCEs or excellence experiences. It’s just a matter of having enough sincerity/pure intent to not accept second-best in service of ‘looking the part.’ Once it’s seen it’s extremely obvious.

That said it is normal to slide backwards into forgetting over & over… just a question of finding one’s way back & sincerely looking for whatever obstacle / getting back to feeling good. Eventually it becomes a delightful obsession, that’s when things really start moving :slight_smile:


Probably one of those things where it’s provided a ton of motivation, but there comes a point where it ‘flips’ and is a primary obstacle instead.

There is great value for you and others in keeping the record of these changes. I would not delete/change anything.