JesusCarlos: Yesterday I had a fundamentally bad time. At times neutral. But very rarely good. Let’s not say very good. This is in stark contrast to my experience on Tuesday night, where I deeply contacted my naivety and experienced a lot of pleasure in simply being alive. Today I woke up again with physical (I think I have a flu) and emotional discomfort. But within these few hours of the morning, I was able to feel good again. And I remember again how it is essential to make the decision to feel good, to choose to feel good and not follow old inclinations. It is a habit that I must overcome and now that I feel better I can observe it more carefully: I have resentment for the simple fact of being alive and that things are not always the way “I” want them. It may help to analyze why I want what I want, but if I look closer, I recognize that what I want is recognition. I long for recognition. I won’t say more because I will be observing that need throughout the day and finding a way to free myself from it. (link)
Hi JesusCarlos,
This reaction seems quite natural. I see that in your previous post you said –
JesusCarlos : But this began to happen after rereading this wonderful text: https://discuss.actualism.online/t/ians-journal/1015/45 1 and @claudiu and @Kub933 last reflections 1, regarding how unnecessary I am now […]
Isn’t it amazing that you were be able to so quickly “feel good again”, due to having made “the decision to feel good”.
Longing “for recognition” is not something superficial, it is an inbuilt feature of the human condition. You not only “long for recognition”, ‘you’ need it for ‘your’ very existence. ‘You’, the identity’, being a contingent ‘being’, cannot exist on ‘your’ own – ‘you’ require constant confirmation to justify and confirm ‘your’ existence, else ‘your’ non-substantial nature will become apparent. With this comes a desire to hide and a fear of being exposed as a fraud, an impostor. I remember feeling being ‘Vineeto’s’ reaction to this alarming discovery quite well.
‘Vineeto’: … this guilt of ‘being a being’ is intrinsic to every human being. The only way I became aware of this basic layer of guilt of being a ‘self’ was by repeated exposure to the perfection, purity and innocence as experienced in a ‘self’-less PCE. The more I experience purity and perfection, when this flesh and blood body is free from any identity whatsoever, the more I know, as soon as ‘I’ return, that ‘I’ am a fraud, an intruder, an alien entity, a fake – I undeniably know that ‘I’ am not the genuine article. (Actualism, Vineeto, AF List, No. 38c, 28.8.2002)
‘Vineeto’: Once I made the commitment to become free ‘I’ then agreed to be discovered and to be dismantled … and there is an inherent joy and relief in no longer having to hide that ‘I’ am in fact a fraud. (Actualism, Vineeto, AF List, No. 32b, 6.3.2005)
Richard: Fear – existential angst at finding oneself to be the contingent ‘being’ one always suspected oneself to be – is both the barrier and the way to freedom. Always included in fear is a thrilling aspect, and by focussing upon this and not fear itself, an energy gathers momentum which does the trick for one (thrilling as in an exciting sensation through the body, stirring, stimulating, electrifying, rousing, moving, gripping, hair-raising, riveting, joyful, pleasing. throbbing, trembling, tremulous, quivering, shivering, fluttering, shuddering and vibrating).
‘I’ cannot set ‘myself’ free … but ‘I’ can set in motion a process that will lead to ‘my’ eventual demise. (Richard, List B, 12a, 18 July 1998)
So you see, you discovered straight away what the solution to longing “for recognition” will ultimately be.
Cheers Vineeto