This is going to be a long one I feel: I have a lot to say! Haha
There is something incredible happening at the moment. I’m going to try to be accurate about my experience but that isn’t easy as my experience is changing a lot depending on how I feel.
It’s almost like I’m a coin with two sides atm. It’s a coin toss moment to moment as to how I feel.
At times I have started to experience excellence. There is a drive to it, not an instinctual one, more that of great enthusiasm and …a willingness you could say. To abandon the known path. To “get off my butt and do something about it” (I’m going to get a correction for this bad paraphrasing haha).
I am starting to get very excited as this opens up. I don’t seem to be able to control totally when it does. It seems to happen during the day, never upon waking and not late at night.
I have stopped thinking of actualism as a technical procedure, this is much more intuitive. There is a recognition of being my feelings, of having the potential to do this. At times I am the instigator, and at other times I am surprised by what lays around the corner.
It’s hard to put this all into concrete terms. What I mean is that at times I’m going into feeling excellent, there is an emotional Steigerung (means a kind of rise/increase 
in German) happens, that seems to completely clear all the bad and dirty human emotions out of the way. There is a great deal of fun and freedom to it. And a wow factor. These experiences have a highly dynamic quality, there is a sense of movement - it’s me moving through life as if moving effortlessly and magically. It isn’t a static experience of staring at a wall waiting for something to happen. At times though that stillness does pop up momentarily; and it is almost scary when it does - a very momentary pristine perfection shines through. A “tintling” that fills the eyes and replaces egoic experience with a wonder. All the world as it’s usually known is gone- nothing is not magical. These experiences are having a profound effect on me generally. Im excited, thrilled, can’t wait to see what will happen, totally engaged.
I have to report the other side of the coin; the falling back into me, my problems, the heaviness of life. This happens regularly as well, particularly when I wake up in the morning. At these times my application of the actualism method does indeed feel technical. It’s surprising how hard these moods are to budge. I woke up very early and feeling quite anxious this morning, non stop thoughts were going through my head and I could not enjoy and appreciate my way out. All the sense of magic I describe above was gone and there was a depressive pall over me instead. Lots of fears about “where I’m at in life”, guilt about stuff I’ve done like my addictive tendencies, the mere fear of simply being alone, not having a partner, or readily available friends. A lot of what would otherwise have been my life ambitions I have shut down. My life circumstances are somewhat Richard-imitative, done for the sake of actualism rather than because they occur as natural for me. This made me realise that a lot my depressive symptoms are a sense of having all my natural impulses shut down, like having lopped off the limbs of my personal tree. I don’t think of future in the way I used to, my decisions chaotically attempt to anticipate a “future actually free” life and what that mean. Even my homosexuality which is a core part of my lifestyle is something up for considerable debate at the moment (more on that later).
It made me realise, I do actually need to “do something”. Sometimes depression is a kind of malaise that comes from inactivity - no goals or purpose. I started to ask myself, is that true that I have no goals or purpose? Don’t I want to become free from the human condition? And is that not the ultimate purpose? So what are you moaning about? What about doing something?
This sense of drive or purpose is extremely helpful at kickstarting me, back into the type of dynamic experience I was talking about above.
I don’t mean for my descriptions to sound definitive about the way the method works (referring to your reprimand Vineeto for “spreading rumors about the actualism method” or something to that effect). At the same time I feel a responsibility to report earnestly, and of course my aim is for myself and others to succeed. No desire to discourage here but this is quite the enterprise and people will encounter problems and given I am a kind of pioneer/guinea pig anyway , I feel I might as well report what I find!
I think it’s also important to identify how different temperaments, personalities etc might work. I am clearly very different in makeup to Richard for example. Not to deny that as humans we are all “basically” the same at the same time.
In my case, being an ambitious individual , I’ve been willing to completely change my life (lifestyle) for actualism, from the get go. It has influenced my way of thinking about everything. And of course the idea is that you feel good all the time so it shouldn’t affect you , but what if you don’t feel good and it does affect you? I think this is well worth reporting on and useful for others.
I actually think it quite normal that it would affect someone, especially if feeling good hadn’t become a habit or there is some major blocking going on. To “believe” mentally that there is no one inside this body whilst still being a self…it would be surprising if that didn’t cause any problems. Well at least it has for me.
Nevertheless, I am not complaining about actualism - far from it! But nothing wrong with a clear eyed description of the experience of taking up the challenge and what it might involve. I agree totally that it does require a lot of nerve.
But now I am keen on uniting these two sides of the coin. This anxious, depressive, scared me needs to be fully integrated and swept up by the increasing tendency for me to go into excellence. I clearly need to abandon the old, the “natural”, and allow what is so obviously on the other side of this to become apparent:
At my feeling best, my thoughts are that do - “of course there should be world peace. Of course this is right. It makes perfect sense.”
I can feel myself readying myself, and also supporting myself and being supported. That im not alone in this endeavor and all i need to be willing to do is let go. That I don’t need a “real world” life and to be successful in any real world sense first.
And letting go isn’t sitting back and waiting for stuff to happen. It won’t. It actually requires my investment, it requires me to jump.
The increasing awareness that I am my feelings and my feelings are me has proven very helpful in this regard. There isn’t a strong “control” or iron will needed to make it happen as I always thought , but rather a sense of wild abandon (but safely, like on a trapeze) and ultimate naïveté.
). However the question is, is it more prevalent among gay men and if so, why?
. I don’t say that in a derogatory way but that’s just how different the real world is from the actual world. The standards of what needs to be there are much lower. In fact so low as to just need to be alive/awake it seems.