Here’s something perhaps only interesting to me, but the idea of tabula Rasa (blank slate) is in my current feelings more accurate than my live experience of “original sin”, al la “sin nature “.
That the human condition is horrible, I willingly concur! That ‘I’ or any other ‘I’ is ultimately to blame, I am not so sure!
I am a “blank slate” compared to the doctrine of guilt and blame intrinsic to original sin.
It may just look that way because you’re comparing one incoherent idea to another incoherent idea - both of which stem from the imagination of instinctually driven humans. Why not separate them so they stand on their own and see how they hold up instead of getting lost resonating with the truth of whichever one feels more right in comparison to the other? (Especially given your history with Christianity, which might be causing bias).
Is it interesting because it’s revealing something about you as an identity? Or because tabula rasa resonates with you more?
Your quote is an example of a habit that you could turn into an alert-signal which could be used as a superpower for the sake of your own personal investigation. The tell is that one idea feels more accurate than the other according to your current feelings.
“Ah, here I go again having that feeling of resonating. I’m experiencing the feeling that something is true. Is it true? Is this what I base my sensibilities on? Why do I search for a feeling of truth? I could shift gears right now and investigate this so-called (felt) truth.”
And down the adventurous path of investigation you go instead of vindicating your feelings by weaving stories and formulas for why something feels true.
The habit is so pervasive and subtle that it can easily fly under the radar. The more overt feelings tend to be more attention grabbing.
Where else does the fault lie if not with the human condition?
Blame - assign responsibility for a fault or wrong.
Richard’s writings on guilt would be extremely relevant to this topic. What you might be experiencing (in my opinion) is an affective reaction to his use of the word “blame” and associating it with how you relate to blame based on your Christian upbringing & current conscience.
P.S.: I am aware that words like guilty, reprehensible and culpable carry the implication that some person or persons (or peoples collectively) decide or have decided what is right and what is wrong or what is good and what is bad or what is correct and what is incorrect and so on … a standard to be judged by, in other words. The following exchange should be helpful in this regards (especially so as you say in this e-mail that you have wanted to be a ‘stellar’ person):
• [Co-Respondent]: ‘Who decides what is ‘personally insalubrious’ and ‘socially reprehensible’?
• [Richard]: ‘Not ‘who’ … peace-on-earth decides, each moment again, and relentlessly brings the wayward ego and compliant soul face-to-face with its own culpability, each moment again, for being the progenitor of all the ills of humankind. (…) The pristine nature of peace-on-earth is impeccable … nothing dirty can get in.(Richard, List C, No. 1, 9 March 2000)
Ain’t life grand
Something I noticed is that in your writing it shifts from Original Sin vs Tabula Rasa to What Richard Says vs How I Feel - as if you may be using your own personal reference points to relate to what he reports - - in this case subtly comparing what Richard says to original sin and contrasting it to tabula rasa. Thereby rejecting what Richard is saying in favor of the fact that tabula rasa rings (feels) more true to you.
Thanks edzd!
That’s awesome! Yes, indeed it does, and the slipping point was earlier in the comparison and the habit of ‘intellectually’ creating a ‘point’. That is wanting to make some ‘point’ rather than simply recognising it feels good to be free of a “incoherent imaginary problem”, i.e. original sin and the particular way trust was enshrined in authority, (obviously I would have said it differently)
Instead, the original opportunity to enjoy feeling good, was lost as I went down the whole line of ‘intelectulising’ to the point that I am now contradicting Richard!
I have done that a lot over the years.
When I was thinking about your observations, I determined that I must commit to having everything on the table! Simply get back to feeling good, then continue to investigate.
How does this work though since I can never be actually free? Since I have to disappear entirely for actual freedom to be what is, since it is the disappearance of me?
Vineeto to Kuba: That’s why a mere conceptual assessment is not enough – you need the ongoing experiential confirmation that not only is an actual freedom what you want to have but that it is what you want to be. With this clarity the perspective shifts to a down-to-earth action to imitate the actual and make this the number one priority of your life, practically and pragmatically.
Then your evaluation won’t be from the all-or-nothing frame of reference as in “yet in the cave ‘we’ remain” but how much better your life has already become despite not having become actually free yet.
Claudiu: How does this work though since I can never be actually free? Since I have to disappear entirely for actual freedom to be what is, since it is the disappearance of me? (link)
Hi Claudiu,
Welcome back.
I appreciate that you interrupted your present hiatus to point out that what I wrote to Kuba could potentially misleading, especially for an actualist who is not experiencing what Kuba described (link). When I wrote “you need the ongoing experiential confirmation that not only is an actual freedom what you want to have but that it is what you want to be”, I was responding to Kuba’s words that “it is not Terra Actualis but it is certainly not reality anymore.”
I remember ‘Vineeto’s’ condition at this point very well where, although ‘she’ was rarely in a long-lasting PCE, nevertheless frequent apperceptive moments, i.e. ‘self’-less perception, occurred, where ‘she’ could not distinguish between ‘her’ doing it and it happening. Hence her ‘being’ and what ‘she’ wanted to be were increasingly in alignment even though the decisive event had not yet happened.
I also found your own writing from January this year –
Richard: Therefore a mortal or transitory shape or form, comprised of immortal or perpetual stuff, can indeed ‘know that which is immortal’, or, as I have said before, as this flesh and blood body only (which means sans ‘I’ as ego and ‘me’ as soul) I am this universe experiencing itself as an apperceptive human being: as such the universe is stunningly aware of its own infinitude. And if you gaze deeply into the inky darkness betwixt the stars you will be standing naked before infinitude. (Richard, List B, No. 33g, 12 Oct 2001).
CLAUDIU: I reread it and was just blown away by how immaculate and perfectly articulated Richard’s writing is. I experienced what I’ve called “Richard’s energy” while reading it – which refers to pure intent, of course. The flawlessness of what he apperceptively wrought leaves nothing but admiration and a salient desire and aim – I want to be that! (link)
At that moment for you there was no question ‘who’ wanted to “be that” – it was obvious that ‘you’ were willing to abdicate in order for you “to be that”.
You asked –
Claudiu: How does this work though since I can never be actually free? Since I have to disappear entirely for actual freedom to be what is, since it is the disappearance of me? (link)
Magically. 
Now ‘you’ exist, now you don’t.
The way it works, described semantically correct, “to want to be that” would be spelt out this way –
Co-Respondent: I can’t say. It seems like it was the energy/ order that happened simply re-aligned. It is almost as if that is calling one, though there is fear to answer that call …
Richard: Does the fear increase if you allow yourself to consider that the words ‘it is almost as if that is calling one’ are the same-same as saying: this utter fullness is this brain’s destiny; this is what one is here for?
Co-Respondent: No, the fear abates. There is order in the perspective you express. Thanks for putting it like that.
Richard: Okay … this is important, vital, pivotal: ‘I’, the thinker, know that ‘I’ cannot do it … ‘I’ cannot disappear ‘myself’. Only the ‘utter fullness’ can, and the ‘utter fullness’ is ‘calling one’, each moment again, and it is only when ‘I’ fully comprehend – totally, completely, fundamentally – that to be living this ‘utter fullness’ is to be living ‘my’ destiny will one be able ‘to answer that call’.
This full-blooded endorsement means it then becomes inevitable.
Co-Respondent: Are you being predatory?
Richard: I do not have that capacity … only you can allow yourself to be ‘taken away’ .
Co-Respondent: As the thinker assuming divided existence through a one-dimensional adulterating of the more than 3-D fullness of that, I doubt ‘I’ am going anywhere.
Richard: On the contrary … ‘you’ are going into oblivion for this is ‘your’ birthright. The doorway to freedom has the word ‘extinction’ written on it. This extinction is an irrevocable event, which eliminates the psyche itself. When this is all over there will be no ‘being’ at all. Thus when ‘I’ willingly self-immolate – psychologically and psychically – then ‘I’ am making the most noble sacrifice that ‘I’ can make for oneself and all humankind … for ‘I’ am what ‘I’ hold most dear. It is ‘my’ moment of accomplishment. It is ‘my’ crowning achievement … it makes ‘my’ petty life all worth while.
It is not an event to be missed … ‘I’ go out in a blaze of glory. [Emphases added]. (Richard, List B, No. 25f, 18 June 2000).
I think it is serendipitous that you came back to the forum at this junction of the discussion because the last entry in your journal was –
Kuba: Effectively it is that the experiential aspect is traded for an intellectual involvement.
So the experience of actuality is it’s own verification, not sure why ‘I’ am so hellbent on making a synthetic map out of it, as if the experience itself needs additional support…
Claudiu: Yes it’s something like this. You can always make a ‘story’ about whatever happened. But the story is never the thing. So describing the thing ends up being making a narrative of it and I don’t find it helpful to me or others at the moment. (link)
What Kuba eventually discovered in the meantime was that –
Kuba: I think where I have gone wrong (quite severely) in the past is where it concerned blending the above into ‘my’ moment to moment experiencing. What I can see now is that there is actually no way for ‘me’ to enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive if ‘I’ am not at the very least sincere. Because if ‘I’ am not sincere it means there is something to hide and there are parts of ‘me’ in opposition.
(…)
I wonder why the resistance to sincerity in the first place, it seems fundamentally that ‘I’ don’t want to be seen. ‘I’ go into some extraordinary efforts to hide, to split, to deceive etc. And actually the way of ‘me’ hiding is the painful and difficult way, the way of ‘my’ exposure is the way to ‘my’ dissolution and that is actually the easy way. (link)
Only ruthless honesty and sincerity can discover, recognize and disable such ancient, deep-seated patterns that you would then describe as narratives.
To (inadvertently) maintain the old paradigm (‘me’) and attempt to merge it with actualism, the resulting experiences are of the “ethereal/ non-existent/ imagined target of projected perfection” as Felix so aptly called it (link). Because when the progress in becoming increasingly happy and harmless and more frequently able to enjoy and appreciate being here is tangible, noticeable and demonstrable, it is quite easy to describe.
Since everyone has grown up and was conditioned in the ‘Tried and Failed’ paradigm, there can well be pockets of this spiritual, ‘it’s-all-in-your-mind’ perception regarding actualism practice. And the sooner one discovers any remnants of such blue-print, the sooner one can experience the down-to-earth success when applying the actualism method, which can easily be recognized and described.
Cheers Vineeto
Wow.
What I am considering as I read these post that are well above my “pay grade” is just how much my naïveté was abused by the prevailing religion of my birth Situation…
I remember how much detail I would go into as a teenager. I have mentioned before that by the time I was late teens, I had a working knowledge of both ancient Hebrew and koine Greek, so that I might understand the sacred texts I was brought up to revere.
So there has always been an exhaustion in me.
I am however very pleased to recognise this.
I am also very fortunate that I can spend my Sunday afternoons, and sometimes my Saturdays as well, playing basketball with guys half my age,
It feel good to be reminded what youth is. To be reminded what naïveté practically is.
For the record, despite being 10kgs overweight, and 25 years their senior, I give these lads a run for their money. 
So, resurrecting a touch of that naïveté, I notice a recent development.
It’s a calm approach to decision making. Where there is a warm type of “bored” calm. An almost concussed calm. As if I am totally conquered by whatever it is I was fighting against, and now there is a series of considerations.
It’s enjoyable. There is no rush. Felt it many times recently. At the music store.
The question of actual freedom, and being someone who may feel good through developing the ability to choose it, that is very interesting.
In other considerations, I am becoming interested in why I was ever a musician to start with. What is music?
It’s very interesting.
I am going to playfully self diagnose myself here!
I have a type of narcissism which is centred around the ostensible objective of caring for others. The trick to the condition, is that given I can’t save the world in any practical way, it became a fortress of moral(?) investment.
I am completely cool with being wrong, hence the playful framing here!
Indeed, I will “butt out” here, as I am very well invested in the conversation between Vineeto and Claudiu.
It’s lovely to read such detailed descriptions. Even though I can’t comprehend them, I know, given enough time, I will.
Andrew: Wow.
What I am considering as I read these post that are well above my “pay grade” is just how much my naïveté was abused by the prevailing religion of my birth Situation…
I remember how much detail I would go into as a teenager. I have mentioned before that by the time I was late teens, I had a working knowledge of both ancient Hebrew and koine Greek, so that I might understand the sacred texts I was brought up to revere.
So there has always been an exhaustion in me.
I am however very pleased to recognise this. (link)
Hi Andrew,
While you contemplate “how much my naïveté was abused” it’s useful to remember that children’s naïveté is very closely linked to ignorance and gullibility, and this is precisely why it can and will be abused. In the now-adult mind most peoples initially have difficulty separating the one from another. Hence the sincere intent to imitate the actual (and not acting with impulsivity or licentiousness) is very important.
The naïveté you want to allow now needs to be combined with felicitous and innocuous adult sensibilities (naïve but not gullible), only then can you enjoy and revel in it to the point of gay abandon.
Richard: There is a marked distinction betwixt spontaneity and impetuosity (aka impulsiveness) … acuity and/or perspicacity, in the applied form of discrimination, discernment (as in being expedient, provident, judicious, prudent) in conjunction with pragmatism, practicality, sensibility, simplicity, and so forth, gives ready access for any introspective/ creative process to take place. (Richard, AF List, No. 103, 1 Oct 2005d)
The key to unlock naiveté is sincerity, naiveté being “that intimate aspect of oneself that is usually kept hidden away for fear of seeming foolish (a simpleton) … it is like being a child again but with adult sensibilities (wherein one can separate out the distinction between being naïve and being gullible/ trusting).” (Richard, AF List, No. 79, 7 Jun 2006).
Andrew: So, resurrecting a touch of that naïveté, I notice a recent development.
It’s a calm approach to decision making. Where there is a warm type of “bored” calm. An almost concussed calm. As if I am totally conquered by whatever it is I was fighting against, and now there is a series of considerations.
It’s enjoyable. There is no rush. Felt it many times recently. At the music store.
That is excellent. You have already experienced that you don’t need to be at the ‘beck and call’ of your passions and feelings, you can keep your hands in your pockets until they subside and then consider again.
You might discover and explore something similar to what Claudiu described in January this year –
Claudiu: The other wondrous recent insight was in seeing how I am actually not ‘special’ in that I am essentially the same as any other feeling-being out there. In terms of what I am at my core. In other words I don’t have to maintain or hold onto or try to prop up any aspect of myself that would set me apart or above anyone else – because I am the same at core! This is something I can’t change – I can only self-immolate to remedy this situation.
This was seen as an immense relief of a huge burden that I no longer have to maintain myself in all these various small ways. In other words I am free to do anything, and anyone is free to say or think or do whatever in response, and none of it matters in terms of me having to prop myself up or defend myself or do anything. Cause I already know I’m not special, there is nothing I can actually defend to change this fact! (link)
Naïveté, whenever it pops out – because ‘you’ allow it – can be cherished and appreciated and fully enjoyed – and it is infectious too. For fun and encouragement you can check out this message (link).
Andrew: The question of actual freedom, and being someone who may feel good through developing the ability to choose it, that is very interesting. (link)
Indeed, and the less you try to be someone but simply enjoy being here as happily and harmlessly as possible, the more it is happening of its own accord.
Enjoy your childlike wonder with adult sensibilities.
Cheers Vineeto
Thanks Vineeto!
Very new to me.
I like this quote from Claudiu. It’s been the ongoing investigation into music. That I am not special. I may have perhaps a talent, but that is far from unique. There is an old saying, there is nothing more common than the talented but unsuccessful. Which is the key for me to continue looking into this.
It has been a hugely dominant force in my life, and in my father’s life.
Understanding it, gently teases something out of me. How I hold on to this “special “ talent. When, is it really there? Perhaps I do have an ear for music, and so? How is that anything different from someone born with the genetics to grow to 7 feet tall? It’s not anything that ‘I’ had anything to do with at all!
I have been thinking a lot about music. How so much of it , if not the vast majority of it, is derived and contrived. Not in a negative sense, in the literal sense. It’s not unique, factually. For the most part.
The obsession I have had recently is about the snare drum on the “back beat”. For a few months, if not subconsciously for much longer, this western tradition has been “grinding my gears”! Why! What is it that drives all the vast majority to have this exact pattern!
I don’t have an answer. It’s more the curiosity of it. I don’t need an answer so much, as I enjoy asking the questions!
I never questioned anything like this. It was all about being an ‘artist’, whatever that was! Which I never actually was in anyway, but the fantasy was always there. As if I just had to take it seriously for a moment, and “poof!” Instant acclaim!
hehe. It’s fun to give myself the space to smile at it all. Without animosity. It’s all preference really! Some people are very found of a particular kind of music, for a certain time, and then another kind! Just as my tastes have changed.
I didn’t read this properly. That is indeed it! The less I try an ‘be’ anything, the more interesting things are. It’s not the fun in “questioning” per se, it’s the fun in not having to “be” something at the end of the thought. As in, I can create music without a snare on the backbeat if I like, and music of any sort at all, without defining myself. Simply, is it fun? Playful?
To be honest , for posterity at the minimum, I am not making any music. At least no recordings. I pick up the bass, I pick up the guitar. I sometimes will open a keyboard app on this iPad.
The realisation is that it was never about the sounds per se, it was about the people. Without others to make music with, it really is a strange pursuit, and something I have no motivation for.
I was saying as much to my son. We work together in the same room. He studies at Uni what I do for a living. A remarkable lad who is very smart. I would love to share a house and make music with my sons. My oldest is a great drummer. The other two never really gelled with anything musical, but they will enjoy it given the chance.
Music really is about the people.
Andrew: Thanks Vineeto!
Very new to me.
I like this quote from Claudiu. It’s been the ongoing investigation into music. That I am not special. I may have perhaps a talent, but that is far from unique. There is an old saying, there is nothing more common than the talented but unsuccessful. Which is the key for me to continue looking into this.
It has been a hugely dominant force in my life, and in my father’s life.
Understanding it, gently teases something out of me. How I hold on to this “special” talent. When, is it really there? Perhaps I do have an ear for music, and so? How is that anything different from someone born with the genetics to grow to 7 feet tall? It’s not anything that ‘I’ had anything to do with at all!
I have been thinking a lot about music. How so much of it, if not the vast majority of it, is derived and contrived. Not in a negative sense, in the literal sense. It’s not unique, factually. For the most part. (…)
Hi Andrew,
This is fascinating, how an insight that “I am not special” has so many ramifications to ease the pressure of what you say has been an “obsession”, and now you are more at ease, more happy and naïvely curious as to what is going to happen next.
That is something to truly appreciate.
Andrew: I never questioned anything like this. It was all about being an ‘artist’, whatever that was! Which I never actually was in anyway, but the fantasy was always there. As if I just had to take it seriously for a moment, and “poof!” Instant acclaim!
hehe. It’s fun to give myself the space to smile at it all. Without animosity. It’s all preference really! Some people are very found of a particular kind of music, for a certain time, and then another kind! Just as my tastes have changed. (link)
Yes, this is what having preferences instead of passionate urges does – you can have smile, fun, you can explore your talent (or no talent), your tastes and you can play music instead of working on it. It doesn’t really matter. Music is for fun, pleasant to the ears and well worth enjoying and appreciating for the very amusement and delight.
Vineeto: Indeed, and the less you try to be someone but simply enjoy being here as happily and harmlessly as possible, the more it is happening of its own accord.
Enjoy your childlike wonder with adult sensibilities
Andrew: I didn’t read this properly. That is indeed it! The less I try an ‘be’ anything, the more interesting things are. It’s not the fun in “questioning” per se, it’s the fun in not having to “be” something at the end of the thought. As in, I can create music without a snare on the backbeat if I like, and music of any sort at all, without defining myself. Simply, is it fun? Playful? (link)
Ah, I am pleased you understood. Just as having preferences instead of passionate urges is a ‘self-less (or ‘self’-diminishing) inclination, so are the felicitous and innocuous feelings in contrast to the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings.
Have playful fun finding out even more of the benefits of this naïve approach.
Cheers Vineeto
Thanks Vineeto.
General diary entry here. In the spirit of not waiting to have a polished opinion, and rather noting thoughts and feelings.
I am feeling some of the most “disfranchised” and also somewhat amused at the same time. Mostly angry, but also amused at it all.
The context is driving. To keep it short, I have now been sent notice that I should report to have “paper served” on me that my drivers license is suspended. This is a larger backdrop to the thoughts and feelings, which are the context of authority, power, and my own pushing the limits.
I am not going to explain all of this in detail. I dearly want to defend and explain, but the real point is something that is dawning on me, tangentially through other experiences on the road with my ‘fellow feeling beings’.
The last two nights I was tail-gated aggressively by other drivers. Deliberately, I didn’t move out of the way, as that would inconvenience me. Long story short, today, on the second occasion, I had the thought; “for everything I have learnt about the human condition, personality disorders, mental illnesses etc, why am I so surprised and angry that I would encounter this behaviour in life?”
The right lane of the freeway is exactly where I am likely to encounter highly aggressive people, with all sorts of issues, not least of which is the human condition itself! (For most of the world, it would be the left lane of the freeway. In case it’s confusing, Australia drives on the left, and the right lane is the “fast lane” despite that not literally being legally true)
I pondered this in my last part of my journey. Whilst still being tailgated through my neighbourhood and feeling the rage which, if pushed may well have resulted in violence, I thought , “would I die to set that body free from the ‘entity’ which is clearly causing that behaviour?” (to be clear, at no point was I breaking the law, driving slowly or otherwise “asking for this”. Technically I was over the speed limit, but under what is classed as an offence).
I remembered my two closest friends. Very large muscular guys, far bigger than average. Both capable of dominating most people if needed, but both are deeply thoughtful men. I thought of these same sized men (it’s usually men being aggressive on the freeway), men who obviously “back themselves “ in a confrontation were it to come to that, and I saw what it would mean for every “body” to be free.
No one would ever be afraid, and no one ever using physical size and capacity against anyone.
Would I ‘self sacrifice’ to potentially set these aggressive male drivers free?
Yes, I would. I can see that it was always such an obvious thing to do.
Andrew: Thanks Vineeto.
The last two nights I was tail-gated aggressively by other drivers. Deliberately, I didn’t move out of the way, as that would inconvenience me. Long story short, today, on the second occasion, I had the thought; “for everything I have learnt about the human condition, personality disorders, mental illnesses etc, why am I so surprised and angry that I would encounter this behaviour in life?”
(…)
I pondered this in my last part of my journey. Whilst still being tailgated through my neighbourhood and feeling the rage which, if pushed may well have resulted in violence, I thought , “would I die to set that body free from the ‘entity’ which is clearly causing that behaviour?” (to be clear, at no point was I breaking the law, driving slowly or otherwise “asking for this”. Technically I was over the speed limit, but under what is classed as an offence).
I remembered my two closest friends. Very large muscular guys, far bigger than average. Both capable of dominating most people if needed, but both are deeply thoughtful men. I thought of these same sized men (it’s usually men being aggressive on the freeway), men who obviously “back themselves” in a confrontation were it to come to that, and I saw what it would mean for every “body” to be free.
No one would ever be afraid, and no one ever using physical size and capacity against anyone.
Would I ‘self sacrifice’ to potentially set these aggressive male drivers free?
Yes, I would. I can see that it was always such an obvious thing to do. (link)
Hi Andrew,
A less radical way of proceeding – until you are ready to fully agree to self-immolation to happen – I can recommend to emotionally accept what is intellectually unacceptable in conjunction with putting everything on a preference basis –
James: … My question is: Can I accept the unacceptable? (…)
Richard: Given that people are as-they-are and that the world is as-it-is there are more than a few things which are ‘unacceptable’ (child abuse, rape, murder, torture and so on). What worked for me twenty-odd years ago, as a preliminary step, was to rephrase the question so that it makes sense (rather than vainly apply any of those unliveable ‘unconditional acceptance’ type injunctions):
• Can I emotionally accept that which is intellectually unacceptable?
This way intelligence need not be compromised … intelligence will no longer be crippled. (Richard, List B, James2, 18 Aug 2001).
Cheers Vineeto
Cheers Vineeto.
The most striking part was my realisation that for all my years of reading and thinking, I would be so readily angered at what was so clearly common!
I had never truly put those two “worlds “ side-by-side”. I went out each day with a delusion of sorts. That the human condition and all the things which make it horrible, was something theoretical. Even though, it clearly is not, and that I had experienced plenty of the out-workings of the HC, yet the realisation that my anger what so divorced from my intelligence and the knowledge of the human condition, is amusing.
Today’s tailgater was a sour faced guy, probably in the late 60s, driving some exotic car. Not as aggressive as the previous two days.
The few glances I had of his face, I noticed just how far his frown extended down to his chin. A permanent frown, exaggerated by presumably decades of being held in that exact way.
Pitiful. I have often in my life admired aged faces. However, the perpetual frown etched on many is such a waste of perfectly functional wrinkles.
New motivation unlocked! To feel good and smile least I waste the wrinkles lining up for permanent inclusion in my visage. 
This is one of the more important insights I think I have had, and it’s not so far about “me”.
My mother, whom I live with is by all accounts a very cheerful and old fashioned woman. I can’t quite describe her, but what I can say is she is well liked. Well liked, by everyone except me. I always disliked my mother. I am well aware that it’s “wrong” to dislike one’s mother, especially one so well regarded and respected.
However, something changed yesterday. I had finished painting her bedroom after a recent renovation of the house.
She was so thrilled. I felt embarrassed and guilty that my relatively minor efforts (preparing and painting a bedroom is something on the lower end of things I have done in life). Her joy was embarrassing to me. I felt all of this, but otherwise was pleased as I had been enjoying listening to bossa nova classics and felt it was a good outcome.
In all of this, I was of course noticing it all. The thing I noticed was her childish innocence in how thrilled she was. As if she was a little child.
I didn’t understand her, but I noticed how the contrast was comical between this devout Christian being so childlike in her enjoyment of the new colours, and this so called “actualist” who can barely manage naive enjoyment despite it being a central theme of his chosen life goal.
It struck me as more than odd. This isn’t to say I haven’t had some good days lately. It was that there was the obvious contrast between us. My mother, and me.
I saw her, for the first time, as being once a child, and that aspects of that child were still there. I understood, for the first time why Christianity “stuck” so completely for her. Her father, mother and brother we all in this innocent state, as far as I can tell. Which, preserved this child like enthusiasm.
I honestly saw that I could not resent a child. I couldn’t resent this child who was thrilled for her new bedroom colours.
It gave me something to really lean into. Especially with this theme of why I was always giving up quickly, but in that quitting gained an ability to excel. Or better said, something in me was always quitting when it was obvious I could excel.
I really think (not know yet), but it was naïveté being suppressed very early on. I am thinking while I write, and I wrote this so I might remember it and perhaps get something more from it.
So…
Haha, I always love to open with “So”.
How is it, that such innocence can be the carrier of such destruction?
For context, and to avoid my historical habit of being cryptic and mysterious; my otherwise cheerful, adventurous, and caring mother, has carried and passed on all the horrors of the human condition.
Just as every mother and father in all of history has done.
Wow.
What a betrayal!
Each of us, grown in the innocence of ignorance and being completely new to being alive at all, carry on this utter insanity!
I am finally starting to understand the most secular fascination I know; horror films!
Hehe, I never liked scary movies. But, I now “get” something about them. Secular folks are making fun of the brutality of our nature! It’s an expression of something I can’t understand from my religious past.
This song and its AI video clip from a band I quite like really made me stop and consider what this “horror as entertainment “ was really about. I was always attracted to a certain version of it, but not the full version of horror.
It’s playing with death as art! It’s quite funny and entertaining!
For context to my mood, I have been listening to bossa nova with my son at work. I am not posting this video as any sort of “shock value “. I just like it.
The complete immersion in death, blood and destruction is something I was never comfortable with. Something in this is making fun of it. Not taking it seriously! Even the artist making fun in the comments over the video. “My eyes! A repeating motif “
Such a vile video was so scary to me growing up. I feel a guilt sharing it. Like I should be only posting sunshine and butterflies. Haha.
So, (haha) thinking out loud, there is a basic bravery required, which isn’t as obvious as the words imply.
Consider this; death, and any form of it (pain, hunger, anything of unpleasant feeling) is enshrined in our very nature as the ultimate evil…
The gift that preceded Richard was secularism. This is what I could never be.
I am pleased that my sons are secular. They don’t fear the ghouls of religion.
The feeling I feel is , a feeling. A clear mix of sadness, profound being, and ‘meaning’.
This is the barrier to me ever understanding what Actualism is about, because a profound feeling IS the pinnacle of what I was raised to believe in!
Even now, I have a profound sadness. Not strongly, but the edges of it. Richard, in person, said to me he hadn’t met anyone with my particular kind of background. I have the feeling of lament that I can’t be special as he seeks to articulate ‘me’.
Haha. I am glad to welcome myself to ‘secular’ life. The somewhat playful comment on the horror that was used against everyone from birth up until a few scattered individuals (looking at Spinoza et al).
Maybe this is useful to someone; religion is not spiritual.
Religion is absolute fear. A turbulent terror, the pure embodiment of everlasting pain.
Spirituality is a pleasant song and a lovely afternoon, with a silly propensity to believe in imaginary things.
It’s a good starting point not to confuse them.