Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for your extensive reply.
Yes that I am sure of, the “mirificent flavour” is far more than just sensate purity, there is actual meaning woven into it, something ultimately precious. And yes it has the capacity to pull ‘me’ all the way through to ‘my’ end, the goal is so precious that the means are taken care of. Actually yesterday when that seeing - of what sincerity is and what fellowship regard is - was washing over ‘me’ the flavour was there again, it results in a seemingly bottomless appreciation and it can only lead to action.
I think where I have gone wrong (quite severely) in the past is where it concerned blending the above into ‘my’ moment to moment experiencing. What I can see now is that there is actually no way for ‘me’ to enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive if ‘I’ am not at the very least sincere. Because if ‘I’ am not sincere it means there is something to hide and there are parts of ‘me’ in opposition.
This action of hiding and splitting it prevents a clean enjoyment and appreciation. Whatever ‘enjoyment and appreciation’ which is conjured up when not sincere is bound to have good/bad feelings mixed in, it is not clean and so it will not lead to that “mirificent flavour”. Whereas when being sincere it is as if a straight line to that flavour.
So for now it seems like I have a fun adventure ahead which is to apply the actualism method sincerely (not that doing it insincerely makes any sense lol). Which means that when ‘I’ am not enjoying and appreciating there is something to look at to find out why, and doing so sincerely does away with the hard work and all that other stuff.
Haha yes that is spot on! Interestingly enough this does not play any part right now, it seems the fear of change applies only when ‘I’ am standing still, paralysed. But actually there is a different route to take anyways, as you said a while ago “when in a hole, stop digging”. It only takes that ‘I’ find ‘my’ way back to that clean enjoyment and appreciation and once there ‘I’ have the support from the universe, and there is motion.
I wonder why the resistance to sincerity in the first place, it seems fundamentally that ‘I’ don’t want to be seen. ‘I’ go into some extraordinary efforts to hide, to split, to deceive etc. And actually the way of ‘me’ hiding is the painful and difficult way, the way of ‘my’ exposure is the way to ‘my’ dissolution and that is actually the easy way. It’s a bit like when I was younger and I would lie alot, and eventually there was all these alternate storylines that I was having to memorise to keep up the facade, and then one day it clicked that to end the lies was actually what would end the burden.
And also isn’t the social identity (including an ‘actualist identity’) exactly that? A facade which hides what ‘I’ am at core? It makes sense why ‘my’ self-immolation is ‘my’ moment of glory, after living a life of lies ‘I’ finally get to set the record straight.
I never saw that, that when ‘I’ die ‘I’ die as a fraud, in fact that is why ‘I’ allow ‘my’ demise, because a fraud is all that ‘I’ can ever be, that is why ‘I’ sacrifice ‘my’ life for the benefit of this body, that body and everybody.
Geoffrey: There was the actual world just right there in front of me, obviously existing, pure and perfect, and then there was ‘me’, ‘humanity’. The contrast was simply hilarious. I can’t describe how hilarious this contrast was. What we’ve all been doing forever and ever, on a ridiculous parade of malice and sorrow, with the greatest seriousness.
I realised that I would indeed gladly die right now, gladly give away all I am, all I ever was, all I’ve done and felt since I was born, for peace-on-earth to be apparent (not even for me but) for everybody. For things to be as they are. And that it would be of no importance at all. No ‘weight’, no drama… just the only thing that made sense, the only sensible thing.
The ‘Geoffrey’ that allowed ‘his’ demise saw that both ‘he’ and ‘humanity’ were a fraud - “a ridiculous parade of malice and sorrow”.