So the recent discussion in Sonya’s journal has been doing something. This theme of control has been at the forefront for me for a long time, it is slowly but surely sinking in that the story of ‘my’ life is a furphy. I saw this yesterday in a spectacular fashion. It made me think of what people popularly call “being the main character”, in that some people (the more narcissistic ones) will act in a way as if they are the main character in their story and the rest are “NPC’s” (non-playing characters).
Except I saw that ‘we’ are all like this, that the story of ‘my’ life is necessarily a self-centred creation. ‘I’ am placed as a pin right at the centre of it all and ‘my’ gravitational pull is what apparently sets/keeps everything in motion, that is to say everything that happens happens with ‘me’ as the main reference point. This is simply how ‘I’ experience being alive, this is ‘my’ life. All the various myths that ‘I’ consist of add shape and colour to this story.
So yesterday I saw that this self-centred story of ‘my’ life is a furphy, and this was seen solidly as a fact. With this seeing that ‘I’ am not at the centre of everything came such a freedom from responsibility and obligation. In a sense ‘I’ fancy ‘myself’ almost as a god… in that ‘I’ believe and feel that ‘I’ am pulling these various strings and providing the vital spark for things to happen, all as per ‘my’ self-centred play piece - this is ‘my’ life. And then all of a sudden this entire thing was pulled back and I saw that there isn’t anything “at the centre”, that life is simply happening of it’s own accord and it all happens everywhere all at once, now. ‘I’ never played any part in any of it - such a freedom to see that!
And this modus operandi of existing where life happens of its own accord - vs ‘my’ proud/humble (self-centred) play piece - is so much more fun and delightful and fascinating. I would much rather live in a world where life happens of its own accord, where there is no ‘me’ at the centre of everything. The amazing thing which I saw yesterday is that it is already like that, it is just how long ‘I’ am willing to keep up the facade for.