Kuba: Replying to this one here – Sonya’s journal - #188 by Vineeto :
Hi Vineeto,Vineeto to Sonya: The latest spat between you and Kuba (link and following) only shows that each has still plenty to look at.
Kuba: That is a rather succinct way of describing it and I totally agree, and gosh looking at what is currently going on in the forum it looks like we may have infected others too! [grimace]. It is instructive to read your response in Sonya’s journal and be reminded of what harmlessness looks like.
Hi Kuba,
I appreciate your sensible reply, and this was the reason I specially emphasised the harmlessness in my reply to Sonya. After all, this forum is “set up to enable and facilitate the discussion of actualism” (link) which is the way to become happy and harmless via enjoyment and appreciation (and investigating/ removing the obstacles as they occur). If those discussions themselves are not harmless but focus on laying blame on others, then the whole atmosphere here is unfavourably affected by those words and vibes. This is merely common sense.
Kuba: So now that I can look at it sensibly there is something useful that this “latest spat” (broadcasted publicly no less) highlighted for me.
Essentially it is that I cannot be harmless as long as there are ‘hooks’ in me or ‘buttons’ which can be pressed. And in fact that is exactly what everybody else is doing / has been doing already, in that everybody wants to be peaceful and harmonious and yet good intentions are simply not enough if one is carrying all these ‘hooks’ or ‘buttons’ which can and will sooner or later be activated. Then of course it is easier to apportion blame to the other, for having been “unreasonable enough” to trigger my response, and yet I am the one carrying those unexamined buttons. Also this sets in motion a race to pinpoint the first person who was “out of line”.
Yes, this is the magical secret of actualism – it is in your hands alone to unilaterally become more happy and more harmless. If something upsets you, you look for the “hook” and resolve it – either good feelings or bad feelings – even when the temptation to be righteously angry beckons. Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ wrote in 2002 –
‘Vineeto’: The longer I observe how I am in relation to other people, the more I find that whenever another person evokes an affective reaction in me then there is some kind of invisible thread or emotional hook also present on my side. I remember a visit from a close relative and how at first I felt guilty for not returning the love, affection and excitement that was offered to me. It was as if a web of invisible, yet sticky vibes was cast out to catch me into feeling loyal to and connected with her. These bonding strings might well be presented as a generous offer of love or friendship, yet – often unbeknownst to the person himself or herself – this offer always contains a request for returned feelings, a demand for support and an obligation for further loyalty. In other words, love is never unconditional, it is always given with conditions and it is only received subject to conditions.
In the situation with my relative I was able after a while to understand the nature and source of my guilt by observation and investigation and then, by being free of my feelings of guilt I was able to give her my full attention and care. While we spent time together we were able to talk as fellow human beings, swap stories about how each experiences life and what each had found out so far about the business of being a human being.
As for a one-to-one man-woman relationship, I found that the sorrow that you described as being associated with love is due to the inevitable expectation of returned favours and feelings. Love by its very nature cannot stand by itself. Love always needs a giver and a receiver, someone who loves and someone who is eager to be loved. In my ‘past-life’ love-relationships, my dreams of how I wanted to live life were automatically intertwined with the man I loved – as a woman I gave him the responsibility for my happiness and I expected him to do the same. (Then I am also jealously guarding that he is not happy without me!) (Actualism, Vineeto, AF List, Gary-g, 12.10.2002)
This might also be informative –
‘Vineeto’: I experienced my psychic connection with people as emotional strings consisting of thousands of single strands – beliefs, values and instinctual passions – which I had to unhook one by one. Sometimes a whole bunch of them were loosened at once, and what a realization, but often it was a matter of tracing one feeling to its core and finding all the little ties and knots that connected me with the feelings and beliefs of other people. Often I was shocked when such a tie broke, particularly when I ‘unhooked’ my affective connection to a person close to me such as a family member or formerly close friends. (Actualism, Vineeto, AF List, No. 38b, 16.5.2002)
It is because of these emotional strings that you feel an affective pull or threat when the other person is changing their position towards you. So when Sonya wrote “It’s scary for me to contemplate doing this as it means severing our ‘relationship’” most likely ‘fright’ would have been your first instinctual reaction, quickly followed by a ‘fight’ response. All you can do in such an intense situation is keeping your hands in your pockets, calm down, and then allow sensibility to take back the driver’s seat. Remember, according to LeDoux’ experimental findings, the instinctual response from the brain is quicker (12 milliseconds) compared to the response from the neo-cortex (25 milliseconds). (Actual Freedom Library, Instinctual Passions).
Kuba: I see the above very clearly now, I mean it’s right in the open and cannot be ignored. The other related thing is that as long as those ‘buttons’/ ‘hooks’ remain whatever ‘harmlessness’ I generate will be conditional, which means it will require that I change others in line with it, which means that sooner or later I have to resort to force, so then it is still not harmless! And thirdly, and this is exactly what I have been doing for years now – not wanting to engage in conflict I will resort to a quiet resentment against “all the unfairness, injustice etc”.
Indeed. Ha, “quiet resentment”, even in the name of pacifism, is not harmless either. And yet, it is such a simple solution, at least in principle, that it instantly appealed to ‘Vineeto’ when she understood Richard’s reports and explanations and then had a PCE to confirm it all. In practice the discovering, acknowledging and then dismantling of those hooks or ‘triggers’ takes longer but each time you take responsibility and dissolve them it’s a stunning success, leaving no scars.
Kuba: So I see this whole house of cards that has been exposed here, in that sense I am glad that those events took place, along with the “public broadcast” as there is no hiding now. So I am actually rather excited now, to see what ‘buttons’ exist in me and to attend to those so that a genuine and unconditional harmlessness can be discovered, exciting times!
That’s great to hear, a whole new adventure beckons.
Kuba: And rest assured the vibes in the household have already shifted from a thunderstorm to white cloudy skies with some sun poking through. (link)
I am pleased you (both?) have seen it so quickly. I am looking forward to hearing of your respective discoveries in the new way of relating in naïve intimacy.
Cheers Vineeto