So, a while ago I wrote about feeling connected in the nurturing sense. I noticed I had the tendency to relate to people in a nurturing way. I have been noticing lately when I begin to do that and to nip it in the bud. I notice the good feelings come up, and the difference between a preference and a good feeling.
For example, my brother in law often comes back to our house for a week every 2 weeks or so. I noticed he tends not to have much time to cook himself dinner so I thought it would make more sense for him to join in on our dinners whenever he’d like. There was no nurturing feelings come up from this, it was a clean offer in which he could accept or decline as he pleases. There is no involvment from ‘me’ looking for the good feelings from nurture and on the opposite no bad feelings if he decides to decline my offer. So this has been some nice progress.
What I seem to still be stuck on, and this became startling clear last night, is that I am still feeling connected to Kuba in some other way. I am so easily and greatly effected by his vibe towards me. I think its still the authority. I still relate to him in that sense and I have become entirely sick of it. How have I given up my own autonomy so easily to someone who is also another feeling being capable of being angry, lashing out etc. and not expecting him to do so? I see that I have put my life in his hands(whether he wanted it or not) trusting and expecting him to be gentle and kind 24/7. How unfair and how silly. As I am writing this it’s becoming more clear why I am so effected by his vibe towards me, I put how I am feeling into his hands, completely at his mercy to do with as he pleases. I have not taken control of my own life in that sense so when he does lash out I feel utterly helpless and it feels like the rug is ripped out from under my feet and I there is no continuing. All very dramatic and world ending. Maybe it won’t be so intense and all consuming if I didn’t put my life in his hands.