It appears this is what happened with the whole out from control thing, whatever the shift was, it was a result of sudorific pushing, which involved splitting. Meaning that a whole host of ‘me’ remained not yet fully on board and lurking in the corners, making the whole thing “not quite”.
2 Likes
Kuba: I remember a while back on this forum Geoffrey wrote about which articles or bits of information he would recommend to those looking to succeed with the actualism method. He wrote (paraphrasing) that “This moment of being alive” was the key article and this along with some other bits of information would likely be enough for anyone to succeed.
But he also wrote (again paraphrasing) that he saw the “Attentiveness and Sensuousness and Apperceptiveness” article as potentially problematic for various reasons. I can see how for someone like me – clearly prone to dissociation and defaulting to a meditative like focus – it has been problematic.
Hi Kuba,
Thank you for this assessment of the “Attentiveness …” article from Geoffrey and your personal comment and experience with it.
I remember once discussing the article with Richard, after 2010, when it had been online for a decade and he wondered if it better be taken off the website because many couldn’t see the difference between Buddhism and actualism when reading it. But because he had many correspondences online about the article already Richard decided it was too late.
‘Vineeto’ never took to this particular article, in contrast to all other of Richard’s writings and correspondence. But then ‘she’ also never took to Buddhistic-type meditations – ants-in-pants was the only effect it had for ‘her’. During ‘her’ years in the Rajneesh commune in Poona ‘she’ was more drawn to dancing meditations and therapy groups of the humanistic express-your-feelings variety – which was then the flavour of the decade.
Kuba: And I was always fond of that article, perhaps for that specific reason, that in my misunderstanding I would begin to apply that same meditative like focus to ‘examine the psyche’. This kind of focus can be summarised by the phrase – I am not that. ‘I’ would assume the role of attentiveness and ‘I’ would direct ‘my’ gaze on all these affective phenomena, looking at them come and go and examining them one by one.
This kind of looking it was quite addictive because it was safe for ‘me’, after all ‘I’ was only looking at these things which were not ‘me’, and ‘I’ could spend countless hours apparently exploring the depths of the psyche whilst remaining fundamentally unchanged. Essentially ‘I’ would assume the role of the watcher. Now writing this out I would wager that I am not the only one who has defaulted to such a thing.
You are certainly not the only one. It is easy to overlay one’s own real-world paradigm over Richard’s writing and look for apparent similarities rather than the vital differences. As such the very first words on the Actual Freedom Trust homepage are generally brushed aside – “new”, “non-spiritual”, “down-to-earth” and of course “actual”. You can check out the tool-tip right next to the title which details this ‘derailment’ of understanding. It’s all very amusing once one recognizes where one has gone awry.
Kuba: What I see now is that genuine attentiveness to the cause of diminished enjoyment and appreciation automatically leads to change, it is only by acting as a watcher that ‘I’ can remain unchanged. I have often used the following example when trying to describe to others how getting back to feeling good takes place – to remember perhaps a moment when say the weather was starting to shift and affect one’s plans, and there would be this shift happening into ‘being’ frustrated or upset or what have you, and all of a sudden this would be seen – in the most matter of fact way – as simply silly, and it would cease there and then. I think most people have experienced something akin to this happening in their life. But there is no watcher in such a scenario, it is ‘me’ that sees how silly it is to let X spoil this moment of being alive, and this seeing is the ending of that particular drama. The reason why it works is because in such a scenario ‘I’ see that ‘I’ am ‘being’ frustrated or upset and that it is simply silly to ‘be’ that – the end.
It seems I am untangling now just what on earth I have been doing all this time.
You might find Claudiu’s report interesting after Richard suggested, in reply to Claudiu’s first post to the mailing list –
Richard: 1. Cease aiming to be aff, forthwith.
2. Stop listening to the affers, period. (…)
3. Turn around 180 degrees from the direction you have been travelling thus far and come to your senses (both metaphorically and literally).
4. Put the actualism method – enjoying and appreciating being alive each moment again – into practice as the number one priority in your life.
5. Tap into pure intent and you will no longer be on your own in this the adventure of a lifetime! (Richard, List D, Claudiu, 7 Feb 2012).
After further understanding what the original Buddhism was about as compared to the watered-down contemporary versions, Claudiu reported how he slowly extracted himself from his long and intensive meditation practice –
Claudiu: … I had reduced everything to physical sensations – touch, sight, sound, etc., with thoughts thrown in as well (though there was debate as to whether thoughts can also just be reduced to one of the five senses).
Thus, when I felt something unpleasant in my body, or some persistent tension, the only recourse, meditatively, was to put my attention on it, and notice it as being ‘impermanent’ (that is, as according to MCTB, vibrating in real-time at a certain frequency), ‘not-self’ (that is, as according to MCTB, happening on its own without a ‘self’ involved), and ‘dukkha’ (that is, according to MCTB, unsatisfactory in some fundamental way). The affect itself is taken completely out of the picture. It is noticed, but it is noticed strictly as a physical sensation, and the solution is to do something about that physical sensation. Here is where entering altered states of consciousness helps as it made the psyche more readily able to do something with those sensations. … (Richard, List D, Claudiu, 18 Dec 2012).
I recommend the whole page of this correspondence from February to December 2012 as an example, to let it sink in that there is indeed nothing in common between Buddhistic practices and actualism, nothing at all, in fact they are 180 degrees opposite. This theoretical & practical background may help so that every temptation to fall back into the familiar grove of distancing yourself (which habitual behaviour tends to do) will start flashing a red light of alarm for you each time it happens.
After “years spent distancing myself from it” [resentment] (link) and other undesirable feelings, your realisation regarding this paradigm requires actualising it, until you uproot it one instance at a time.
Kuba: Essentially it’s slowing bringing out into the open all these feelings and states of ‘being’ which ‘I’ have pushed to the side and ignored. And of course ‘my’ ‘actualist identity’ has solidified this even further, in that I just wouldn’t accept that yes it is me that is being resentful or anxious or what have you, it couldn’t possibly be me because I am an accomplished actualist lol. But as Claudiu wrote the other day this is indeed the case – that if there is a feeling happening then it is me, no matter who I believe or assert myself to be.
Ha, I know from ‘Vineeto’s’ experience, developing an actualist identity is nearly unavoidable, and it’s beneficial you recognized and labelled it. As Richard says –
Richard: What the identity inhabiting this flesh and blood body all those years ago would do is first get back to feeling good and then, and only then, suss out where, when, how, why – and what for – feeling bad happened as experience had shown ‘him’ that it was counter-productive to do otherwise.
What ‘he’ always did however, as it was often tempting to just get on with life then, was to examine what it was all about within half-an-hour of getting back to feeling good (while the memory was still fresh) even if it meant sometimes falling back into feeling bad by doing so … else it would crop up again sooner or later.
Nothing, but nothing, can be swept under the carpet. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, No. 68c, 31 May 2005).
Richard: The phrase ‘nipping them in the bud’ is not to be confused with either suppression/ repression or ignoring/ avoiding … it is to be consciously and deliberatively – with knowledge aforethought – declining oh-so-sensibly to futilely go down that well-trodden path to nowhere fruitful yet again. (Richard, Articles, This Moment of Being Alive)
Kuba: And often it is little things, silly things, that I would not allow “such an accomplished actualist” would ‘be’… For example just now there was this feeling that after I finish training BJJ today I will not have anything else to look forward too. I know this feeling because I have felt it for a long time, except that I would experience it as coming from ‘out there’ and somehow assaulting ‘me’. But no it is me after all, and now it makes sense experientially what Richard would often mention – is it not silly to let such a thing spoil this only moment of being alive? Indeed it is but I first had to see that it was me all along. (link)
There is a perfect remedy for pride when it looms to get in the way – a healthy sense of humour.
Gary: Apparently, after self-immolation has taken place, having a good laugh is not ruled out, as Richard has written else-where about nearly rolling on the floor in laughter. Is this then ‘an affective experience’?
Respondent: Sounds like it to me, Gary. Perhaps Richard could elaborate on this apparent contradiction?
Richard: It is only an ‘apparent contradiction’ if all laughter is first determined to be affective … one can laugh with the sheer delight of being alive or in moments of great pleasure. I recall that when freedom first happened there was much laughter because it was as if I had been playing a great joke upon myself by searching everywhere and everywhen for something that was already always just here right now … I am chuckling even now as I write about it (all suffering is self-caused and totally unnecessary).
Also, one can laugh where something is ludicrous, farcical, absurd, ridiculous and so on … speaking personally, I find the TV series ‘3rd Rock From The Sun’ humorous as it oft-times demonstrates many of the foibles of human nature (as in the first thirty four years of my life). Plus it is hilarious that for eleven years I lived-out the experience of being the latest saviour of humankind … there is much about life which is irrepressibly funny. (Richard, AF List, No. 2, 1 Apr 2002).
Cheers Vineeto
2 Likes
Glad to see you cracking along.
The part that is most challenging for me is:
Suppose there is a feeling of sadness. Ordinary consciousness would say, ‘I am sad’. Using attentiveness, one heedfully notices the feeling as a natural feeling – ‘There is human sadness’ – thus one does not tack on that possessive personal concept of ‘I’ or ‘me’ … for one is already possessed.
I do not know how to reconcile that with “I” am my feelings and “my” feelings are “me.”
Worth noting, I am isolating that quote outside of the context that Richard presents it. In that paragraph he is talking about attentiveness and I will include it more completely:
Attentiveness gets not infatuated with the good feelings nor sidesteps the bad as attentiveness is a non-feeling awareness; a sensuous attention. Attentiveness is not sentimental susceptibility for it does not get involved with affection or empathy or get hung up on mercurial imaginations and capricious intuitions or ephemeral auguries. Attentiveness does not register feelings and compare the validity of experience according to it ‘feeling right’ or ‘feeling wrong’. Attentiveness is an aesthetic alertness that takes place with minimised reference to self. With attentiveness one sees the internal world with blameless references to concepts like ‘my’ or ‘mine’. Suppose there is a feeling of sadness. Ordinary consciousness would say, ‘I am sad’. Using attentiveness, one heedfully notices the feeling as a natural feeling – ‘There is human sadness’ – thus one does not tack on that possessive personal concept of ‘I’ or ‘me’ … for one is already possessed. Attentiveness is the observance of the basic nature of each arising feeling; it is observing all the inner world – emotional, passionate and calentural – which is whatever is presently taking place in the affective faculty. Attentiveness is seeing how any feeling makes ‘me’ tick – and how ‘I’ react to it – with the perspicacity of seeing how it affects others as well. In attentiveness, there is an unbiased observing of the constant showing-up of the ‘reality’ within and is examining the feelings arising one after the other … and such attentiveness is the ending of its grip. Please note that last point: in attentiveness, there is an observance of the ‘reality’ within, and such attention is the end of its embrace … finish.
Here lies apperception.
While attentiveness may not get infatuated with good feelings or sidestep the bad, “I” certainly do.
So I haven’t got round to the above posts yet but for now a report of success 
I have been doing exactly what Vineeto suggested :
Basically I have been bringing out into the open all those parts of ‘me’ which were cast aside and made into “not ‘me’”. I have been doing this gently and patiently, ushering myself towards enjoyment and appreciation rather than forcefully pushing.
And there is alot of success showing now, success in that I am more and more tasting this very familiar (and yet always fresh) flavour, of something outside of ‘me’, of something so wonderfully magical - a faitytale-like flavour. And the connection to this flavour has been very stable since yesterday, experienced to be everywhere, to be intrinsic to the nature of the universe - how things are in actuality. The great thing is that ‘I’ seem to be very much in agreement with allowing it.
There was something which clicked the other day and this has been slowly becoming a complete seeing. Which is that death is not a serious business in actuality, this one is a big one because I know just how big of a theme death has always been for me, in fact the biggest theme of them all!
It was around the time I was reading and contemplating Richard’s words around ‘my’ illogical desire for immortality. That ‘I’ being an illusion cannot accept that which is actual, and death is actual. It is a universal phenomenon which is intrinsic to the “grand scheme of things” in this perfect universe. How could it be wrong?
Since then something has shifted, in that ‘I’ have a growing confidence in the ultimate beneficence of the universe, including the confidence to give permission and allow ‘myself’ to be taken away by it.
There has been more than a few very wonderful experiences since, which are very much like ‘me’ galloping towards ‘my’ destiny. What Vineeto has written has been on my mind a lot, which is to be in full agreement and to allow something to happen to ‘me’ which has never happened before.
5 Likes
That pretty much sums up my days. I really enjoyed reading this. In the context of all that’s being written about “I am my feelings and my feelings are me” this swinging from how I want to be seen, and how I want to hide, vs there not actually being anything to see or hide! Haha
2 Likes
It is so fascinating what is going on at the moment, I wrote a while back about “my mind being fragmented”, it’s kind of like this but no longer in any unpleasant or disorientating way. It’s more that during a day there is a number of ‘me’s’ present…
There is the ‘me’ that finds ‘himself’ off the wide and wondrous path and correcting course.
Then there is this other ‘me’ that is delighting in pure intent, and ‘he’ often can’t even see how it could be possible to do anything but enjoy and appreciate.
And then it can go even a step further, this happened alot yesterday, where it becomes difficult to draw any solid line between reality and actuality, there are these glimpses of a world of perfection and purity only but because it is so close and experienced to be all around it is like I don’t know if I am actually there or peeking at it through the tiniest of films. Intellectually I understand that it is the latter, but experientially it is so very close that it is difficult to tell the difference.
It seems it is this third place where ‘I’ can become extinct from, and from that place it is seen to be utterly safe for that to happen, as Geoffrey wrote there would be no weight to it, no drama.
And I understand now that it is only ‘me’ who can give permission (with the entirety of ‘my’ being) for it to happen. And it is this aspect of all of ‘me’ granting permission which I am currently looking at, other than that it does seem like the easiest thing in the world, if ‘I’ want it that is haha!
5 Likes
So I had this phrase repeating in my mind a lot - “I don’t have to feel this way anymore”. This is not a mantra but rather a reminder to actually see this fact with each instance. It’s crazy that there are feelings which have been as if cemented in place for years and those feelings can dissolve in this seeing.
And as I wrote the other day it is all about bringing into the open all those feelings which were pushed aside, and realising that ‘I’ am ‘being’ those feelings, and with this realisation they cease. This is the simplicity of the third alternative demonstrated.
And I was thinking - why is it that no one has discovered this prior to Richard? Why is this not common knowledge, that ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and as such ‘I’ can ‘be’ the felicitous and innocuous feelings… I mean for sure it makes life a whole lot easier 
I know the kind of pretzels that ‘I’ can weave ‘myself’ into whilst trying to control ‘my’ feelings, it’s really a terrible state of affairs to be caught up in.
And I thought that for sure the structure of morality plays a huge part. Because the various tenets of society are psychological means of control. In order to curb ‘my’ instinctive urges ‘I’ am taught that ‘I’ have to earn or be granted ‘my’ good feelings. The third alternative of ‘being’ the felicitous and innocuous feelings is not even considered. Now I don’t think it’s some kind of conspiracy on the side of society to prevent well-being, it’s more that this straight and narrow path was the only one known so far.
But there is the third alternative now, a viable way of living life, and it is wide and wondrous, and it is simple and effective. I just remembered that Richard often mentioned this - that the ‘he’ back then would wonder how has nobody else (including ‘him’) discovered this thing before.
2 Likes
Things have been going rather well recently, for a while it seemed like I had ran out of options to try, of avenues where I haven’t looked yet. I spent some time going round in circles initially and this past week something has changed.
Geoffrey’s post has been a great help, in terms of providing direction of what to focus on :
Geoffrey: As long as you find yourself looking for the door that is tiny (the recipe, the formula, the secret sauce, the psychic gun, the pill, the trick), you’re nowhere near and should instead walk the path.
As long as you find the path narrow, arduous, vanishing, confusing, instead of wide and wondrous as it is, you’re not walking it, you are merely lost in the woods nearby - and should instead find it in yourself to take a first clear step in the right direction, such as making a commitment to happiness and harmlessness.The door is wide as the universe, just as the path is by imitation.
When one knows what it is one wants, and when one knows what it is one must sacrifice, then only the sensible action remains.
It is such a great post, it makes me smile how Geoffrey has managed to make it so succinct and yet for it to offer so much helpful information.
“If the path is not wide and wondrous then I am merely lost in the woods nearby” amazing! I have spent plenty of time roaming those woods
But it seems like at the core of it for the longest of time I was simply not ready to proceed where the wide and wondrous path leads, deep down I wanted to retain ‘the known’. It looks like this time is coming to an end.
I have experienced actual perfection and purity many times over the years and yet to actually live it - that was too much to consider, in terms of what a drastic change it would be from all that I have known.
This is what has changed the past week, there is this growing readiness and willingness to actually live it. It is not pushing or anything like that, I just find that I am ready to proceed towards the end of the wide and wondrous path.
Richard wrote somewhere that the question ‘he’ would ask ‘himself’ back then was - What am ‘I’ saving ‘myself’ for? And basically it is that I have ran out of things to save ‘myself’ for.
The other side of it has been the experiences of actual perfection and purity, sometimes when I am in that just before sleep mode, when taking a nap or what have you, it is like I am being bombarded by flashes of actual perfection and purity. Every time it is the same response from ‘me’, that this actual perfection and purity is precious beyond compare, that anything of ‘mine’ is forever a second place, very very distant second. It’s actually very difficult to put into words the magnitude of the difference in value between even the briefest experience of actual perfection and purity and then anything that exists in ‘my’ world.
So it is like the scales have shifted, that gravitational pull of ‘the known’ has been outweighed by this genuine wanting and readiness to proceed towards actual perfection and purity, to once and for all actually live it, no more dipping the toes in the water and then scurrying away 
And so this is the kind of place I have found myself recently, it’s been very wonderful and all-round no longer stressful. ‘I’ cannot know what self-immolation will be like or what life will be like when ‘I’ am gone, but that doesn’t matter at all actually.
6 Likes
Kuba: Things have been going rather well recently, for a while it seemed like I had ran out of options to try, of avenues where I haven’t looked yet. I spent some time going round in circles initially and this past week something has changed.
Geoffrey’s post has been a great help, in terms of providing direction of what to focus on :
Geoffrey: As long as you find yourself looking for the door that is tiny (the recipe, the formula, the secret sauce, the psychic gun, the pill, the trick), you’re nowhere near and should instead walk the path.
As long as you find the path narrow, arduous, vanishing, confusing, instead of wide and wondrous as it is, you’re not walking it, you are merely lost in the woods nearby – and should instead find it in yourself to take a first clear step in the right direction, such as making a commitment to happiness and harmlessness.
The door is wide as the universe, just as the path is by imitation.
When one knows what it is one wants, and when one knows what it is one must sacrifice, then only the sensible action remains.
It is such a great post, it makes me smile how Geoffrey has managed to make it so succinct and yet for it to offer so much helpful information.
Hi Kuba,
I fully agree. Geoffrey’s words encapsulate the whole story of becoming actually free.
Kuba: “If the path is not wide and wondrous then I am merely lost in the woods nearby” amazing! I have spent plenty of time roaming those woods.
But it seems like at the core of it for the longest of time I was simply not ready to proceed where the wide and wondrous path leads, deep down I wanted to retain ‘the known’. It looks like this time is coming to an end.
I have experienced actual perfection and purity many times over the years and yet to actually live it – that was too much to consider, in terms of what a drastic change it would be from all that I have known.
This is what has changed the past week, there is this growing readiness and willingness to actually live it. It is not pushing or anything like that, I just find that I am ready to proceed towards the end of the wide and wondrous path.
Richard wrote somewhere that the question ‘he’ would ask ‘himself’ back then was – What am ‘I’ saving ‘myself’ for? And basically it is that I have ran out of things to save ‘myself’ for.
The other side of it has been the experiences of actual perfection and purity, sometimes when I am in that just before sleep mode, when taking a nap or what have you, it is like I am being bombarded by flashes of actual perfection and purity. Every time it is the same response from ‘me’, that this actual perfection and purity is precious beyond compare, that anything of ‘mine’ is forever a second place, very very distant second. It’s actually very difficult to put into words the magnitude of the difference in value between even the briefest experience of actual perfection and purity and then anything that exists in ‘my’ world.
So it is like the scales have shifted, that gravitational pull of ‘the known’ has been outweighed by this genuine wanting and readiness to proceed towards actual perfection and purity, to once and for all actually live it, no more dipping the toes in the water and then scurrying away.
And so this is the kind of place I have found myself recently, it’s been very wonderful and all-round no longer stressful. ‘I’ cannot know what self-immolation will be like or what life will be like when ‘I’ am gone, but that doesn’t matter at all actually. (link)
You now know the same territory as Alan reported in 1998 –
ALAN: ‘I’ cannot accept that ‘I’ will never know the answer.
RICHARD: You will find, as the process proceeds, that ‘I’ will come to accept that ‘I’ can never know the answer – and gladly – when ‘I’ realise that ‘my’ psychological and psychic self-immolation is the best contribution that ‘I’ can make for peace-on-earth. ‘I’ have an in-built tendency for self-sacrifice – human history bears this out in silly physical self-sacrifice – so ‘my’ ending of ‘myself’ it is what ‘I’ am well-equipped to do … it is what ‘I’ am good at doing. Literally millions of peoples throughout history, mistakenly identifying with ‘I’, have readily sacrificed the physical body for whatever ‘good cause’ that they have been brainwashed into believing. As I wrote in Article 17 of ‘Richard’s Journal’: ‘It is possible to not only seek but to find … thereby enabling one to live life in full meaning twenty-four-hours-a-day. The universe is innately perfect and pure. It is already always immaculate and consummate. Nothing ‘dirty’ can breach the blameless bastions of this unimpeachable purity and perfection … even the most profound thoughts and the most sublime feelings are self-centred. The self – ‘I’ – is not only defiled, it is corrupt through and through. ‘I’ am perversity itself. No matter how earnestly one tries to purify oneself, one can never succeed completely. The last little bit always eludes perfecting. ‘I’ am rotten at the very core. There is one thing that ‘I’ can do, however, to remedy the situation. ‘I’ can disappear. Psychological and psychic self-immolation is the only sensible sacrifice that ‘I’ can make in order to reveal perfection. Life is bursting with meaning when ‘I’ am no longer present to mess things up. ‘I’ stand in the way of that purity being apparent. ‘My’ presence prohibits perfection being evident. ‘I’ prevent the very meaning to life, which ‘I’ am searching for, from coming into plain view. The main trouble is that ‘I’ wish to remain in existence to savour the meaning’.
And again, in Article 15: ‘‘I’ will never find the ultimate fulfilment for ‘I’ am standing in the way of the ‘Mystery of Life’ being revealed. There is no way out, ‘I’ am doomed. ‘I’ must, inevitably, cease to ‘be’. Instead of bemoaning ‘my’ fate and vainly searching for an escape, ‘I’ can see ‘myself’ for what ‘I’ am. This seeing is the beginning of the ending of ‘me’. The extinction of ‘me’ is the ultimate sacrifice ‘I’ can make to ensure the possibility of peace-on-earth for not only me but for all humankind. Thus, I find myself here, in the world as-it-is. A vast stillness lies all around, abounding with purity. Beneficence, an active kindness, overflows in all directions, imbuing everything with unimaginable fairytale-like quality. For me to be able to be here now at all was a blessing that only ‘I’ could grant, because nobody else could do it for me. I am full of admiration for the ‘me’ that dared to do such a thing. I owe all that I experience now to ‘me’. I salute ‘my’ audacity. And what an adventure it was … and still is’.
These are the wondrous workings of the exquisite quality of life. (Richard, AF List, Alan, 27 Jul 1998).
Once you activate the instinct of altruism, it can be all over in an instant.
Dare to care, then you will care to dare.
And as Geoffrey said: “Then there was nothing left. And nothing missing.”
Here a full moon shines dimly through a thin layer of clouds and its reflection and that of some town light twinkle on the gently rippling water.
Perfection.
Cheers Vineeto
3 Likes
Hi Vineeto,
Thank you as always for your assistance, those quotes you included they make alot of sense experientially, indeed it is the territory I am in. A big hurdle has been removed recently, the way is clear now.
In the past the possibility of proceeding towards ‘my’ extinction was shrouded in fear, a wall of fear is a good term for this. It is not like that anymore, it is very wonderful. It is like the universe provides assistance exactly matching ‘my’ daring.
I remember you wrote a while ago to consider how ‘my’ post mortem audience would be affected by ‘my’ last antics, because indeed they were very dramatic. Well it is not dramatic anymore, it is wonderful. But it is not wonderful all the time, at times ‘I’ tangle ‘myself’ up a little and forget that ‘my’ extinction is actually what ‘I’ desire, then ‘I’ will be surviving again until the obviousness of it all is seen again, and then it is very wonderful and very meaningful again.
I also remember you wrote (paraphrasing) that there is no suffering in self-immolation, that it is the most wonderful thing that can happen to ‘me’. This is the flavour I am getting, it is not that ‘I’ have to allow it, it is that ‘I’ get to grant this wonderful gift, and that everybody wins, even ‘I’ win.
It’s very cool that I can see now that there is actually no-one stopping me other than myself, in that only ‘I’ can give the full permission and allow it to happen, that is in part what makes it so wonderful, nothing will happen against ‘my’ will, it will be a gift freely given by ‘me’, with ‘my’ full concurrence.
Also just to add, when I say wonderful I am not sure if it quite describes what is going on - it is like the summation of a life-time of searching, it is approaching towards the actualisation of ‘my’ deepest desire, it’s that kind of wonderful…
3 Likes
Kuba: (…) It’s very cool that I can see now that there is actually no-one stopping me other than myself, in that only ‘I’ can give the full permission and allow it to happen, that is in part what makes it so wonderful, nothing will happen against ‘my’ will, it will be a gift freely given by ‘me’, with ‘my’ full concurrence.
Also just to add, when I say wonderful I am not sure if it quite describes what is going on – it is like the summation of a life-time of searching, it is approaching towards the actualisation of ‘my’ deepest desire, it’s that kind of wonderful… (link)
Hi Kuba,
It is indeed a happening to appreciate to the maximum – what an astonishing, amazing and wonderful moment when the most joyous escapade is about to reach its ultimate destination.
Richard: There is no “necessary condition” for ‘self’-immolation to take place – and it is so dead easy to become actually free it is, literally, all much ado about nothing[1] – other than being sure it is what one wants to have happen due to its irrevocability. (Richard, List D, Srinath 2, 13 Aug 2016).
[1] • [Richard]: “… as the transition from the real-world to this actual world is a seamless transition – all what happens is that an illusion is no more (somewhat analogous to Santa Claus, et al., ceasing to appear real upon the illusion being exposed) – it is thus all much ado about nothing … literally!
It is quite magical, though”. (Richard, List D, No. 24, 23 Jan 2012).
Cheers Vineeto
1 Like
Things are still going well, I can see now what I have been doing the past year, in that ‘I’ would creep up to the possibility of something happening and then ‘I’ would immediately arrogate ‘myself’ over the whole process and it would all become stillborn once again.
Those things which you have mentioned to me Vineeto - such as standing still and letting the dust settle, this is making sense now. In that ‘I’ cannot end ‘myself’ but ‘I’ can actively set in motion a process that will result in ‘my’ demise.
So what I have been doing is acclimatising myself to remain in that place where all is wonderful, without moving in either direction. It’s fascinating because ‘I’ am standing still and yet a lot is going on. But somehow in the past this is precisely where ‘I’ would feel this need to pull the trigger on something, to move somewhere, do something.
Perhaps because allowing this process is literally eroding at ‘my’ very foundations, it’s inviting the final situation where ‘I’ am exposed. There are still brief reversions into ‘me’ surviving again, but this is less and less now. I experience it as if there are no objections anymore but of course there must be something. BUT I understand now that whatever the last objection may be, ‘I’ am not to go looking for it/solving it as the ‘doer’, it can come naturally to the surface whilst ‘I’ remain in the wonderful place.
I do have an inkling that it is related to the irrevocability of actual freedom, not that it is difficult or dangerous or anything of the kind rather that it is irrevocable - but that irrevocability, it is also wonderful… No way at all to ever go back to the land of lament. In fact if it was not irrevocable it would not be the final solution, it would not deliver the goods. Hehe Richard wrote that he would not change a single bit about the universe, I find that more and more these days, it is perfect.
2 Likes
It has become clear to me why stepping out from control is what happens prior to self-immolation, a penultimate step. I have been experiencing glimpses of what eventuates when ‘I’ disappear and I can see that when all is done ‘I’ will play no role whatsoever anymore, of course as ‘I’ will no longer exist.
It’s quite odd because when those glimpses happen I see that in a way everything is already like that, as in life is actually happening of it’s own accord already, it is just that there is a persistent illusion in place which is ‘me’, this illusion does have the capacity to direct this flesh and blood body in various ways.
But the point is that the closest that ‘I’ can get to “what life will be like” when ‘I’ am gone is to step out from control, ‘I’ can allow the universe to live this life whilst ‘I’ am still in existence, ‘I’ can habituate to the situation where ‘I’ no longer play any role.
I wrote a while back that I would say “I am going to let the universe do it” whenever things would get somewhat hectic, confusing, stressful etc and this has been a great overall tactic, but I see now that actually this is the optimum way for ‘me’ to exist all-round, until ‘I’ dissappear.
There is just no upside to ‘my’ involvement with things, ‘I’ don’t add anything beneficial at all, I can see this very clearly now - so ‘I’ can “let the universe do it” each moment again and in all situations, as an ongoing modus operandi.
It took a while to be able to say this though, there was like this iron grip which ‘I’ had around “the way things should happen”, it was ‘my’ life to be lived in the way that ‘I’ deemed correct. I could initially release the controls in certain situations but others not so much, too much seemed to be at stake.
It seems what happened eventually is that as ‘I’ continued to lead to further problems and failures it eventually clicked that ‘I’ only make things worse and that it is just a painful burden to try to live ‘my’ life, ‘I’ don’t do a very good job of it at all And at the same time I noticed when looking back at all the various things which happen every day, that ‘I’ am not required for them, that somehow the universe assures that the correct thing happens at the right time and this happens automatically. It’s like ‘Vineeto’ said in the out from control DVD, that looking at the “perfect set up” of ‘her’ life at the time ‘she’ saw that it was millions of little switches which was the brain responding to opportunity, and that ‘she’ was not needed for any of this - this perfectly encapsulates what I am trying to say here. I see that this is actually the manner in which life has been playing out all along, and ‘I’ have been screaming and crying and stressing and moaning along side all this as Hunterad wrote recently - a “weird parallel process”.
1 Like
Actually I’ve got a great metaphor for this :
‘I’ am sat in the passenger seat of the car and the universe is actually behind the wheel, however ‘I’ believe ‘myself’ to be in charge and scream along at every turn, ‘I’ scream so loud that the actual driver is influenced to act in accord with ‘my’ drama and it is all a big mess.
And then ‘I’ see what has been going on all this time and allow ‘myself’ to just sit in the back seat and relax, and things get better…
Kuba: Things are still going well, I can see now what I have been doing the past year, in that ‘I’ would creep up to the possibility of something happening and then ‘I’ would immediately arrogate ‘myself’ over the whole process and it would all become stillborn once again.
Those things which you have mentioned to me Vineeto – such as standing still and letting the dust settle, this is making sense now. In that ‘I’ cannot end ‘myself’ but ‘I’ can actively set in motion a process that will result in ‘my’ demise.
Hi Kuba,
Indeed – the way to “actively set in motion a process that will result in ‘my’ demise” is described here …
Richard: … ‘I’ deliberately and consciously and with knowledge aforethought set in motion a ‘process’ that will ensure ‘my’ demise (‘I’ do not really end ‘myself’ in that ‘I’ do not do the deed itself for an ‘I’ cannot end itself). What ‘I’ do, voluntarily and willingly, is to press the button which precipitates an oft-times alarming but always thrilling momentum that will result in ‘my’ inevitable self-immolation. What one does is that one dedicates oneself to the challenge of being here as the universe’s experience of itself. Peace-on-earth is the inevitable result … because it is already here. ‘I’ was merely standing in the way of this always existing peace-on-earth from becoming apparent.
The act of initiating this ‘process’ is altruism, pure and simple. (Richard, AF List, No. 5, 8 Jan 1999).
Kuba: So what I have been doing is acclimatising myself to remain in that place where all is wonderful, without moving in either direction. It’s fascinating because ‘I’ am standing still and yet a lot is going on. But somehow in the past this is precisely where ‘I’ would feel this need to pull the trigger on something, to move somewhere, do something.
Perhaps because allowing this process is literally eroding at ‘my’ very foundations, it’s inviting the final situation where ‘I’ am exposed. There are still brief reversions into ‘me’ surviving again, but this is less and less now. I experience it as if there are no objections anymore but of course there must be something. BUT I understand now that whatever the last objection may be, ‘I’ am not to go looking for it/ solving it as the ‘doer’, it can come naturally to the surface whilst ‘I’ remain in the wonderful place.
The more objections fall by the wayside, and the more you are acclimatising yourself to “that place where all is wonderful”, the less ‘self’-centric you find yourself to be, because “that place where all is wonderful” is for everybody. In other words, such diminished ‘self’-centricity makes room for a genuine caring for your fellow human beings, who are all as much afflicted with being an alien identity as you are.
Here is something you can try just for fun and pure enjoyment –
• [Richard]: “(…) back when I was a normal man I came close to the loss of self already mentioned on several occasions (in my first marriage) only to instinctively pull-back, out of instantaneous fear at such imminence, as it intuitively seemed she would thus take over my mind and make me her slave for ever and a day.
It was not until after the four-hour PCE, which initiated the process resulting in an actual freedom, that it became obvious to me what such loss of self actually meant.
Accordingly, I deliberately set out to induce a PCE via giving myself completely to her – totally and utterly – whilst hovering indefinitely on that orgastic plateau which precedes an orgasm (something which I had discovered whilst pubescent).
And then … !Hey Presto! … no separation whatsoever.
(Incidentally, rather than that intuitive fear of thus being her slave coming true it was quite instructive to have her then relate how she had been fantasising about a current heart-throb pop singer all the while I was giving myself to her totally)”. (Richard, List D, No. 6, 10 Nov 2009).
Richard to Srinath: You will surely notice how giving oneself 100% is all about the ending of self-centredness – self-centred as in being both ego-centric and soul-centric – and has nowt to do with placing another’s happiness before one’s own [a.k.a. being an unselfish ‘self’]. (Richard, List D, Srinath, 28 Jul 2016).
Kuba: I do have an inkling that it is related to the irrevocability of actual freedom, not that it is difficult or dangerous or anything of the kind rather that it is irrevocable – but that irrevocability, it is also wonderful… No way at all to ever go back to the land of lament. In fact if it was not irrevocable it would not be the final solution, it would not deliver the goods. Hehe Richard wrote that he would not change a single bit about the universe, I find that more and more these days, it is perfect. (link)
Richard: I would say to people, then, that were I to live that which the PCE’s had made apparent – as in an irrevocable permanency – for only five minutes I would then happily die. That is how precious an actual freedom from the human condition is. (Richard, List D, No. 7, 16 Nov 2009).
And now that you are gradually coming to terms with the once-in-a-lifetime-decision to leave your ‘self’ behind (which, once taken, cannot be undone) the intermediate playground becomes obvious and the next sensible step …
Kuba: It has become clear to me why stepping out from control is what happens prior to self-immolation, … (link)
With increasing diminishment of self-centredness/ self-centricity this is where the real fun, delight, marvel and wonder can fully flourish and full benefit of the actualism way of living reveals itself. Appreciation expands into wonder, amazement, joie de vivre, amiability, bonhomie, relish, gusto and naïve sensuosity and intimacy.
Cheers Vineeto
2 Likes
Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for your wonderful reply 
It’s for sure much more fun when what is being discussed is based on my ongoing experience rather than some map ‘out there’.
Thank you, you wrote this so well - basically now that I have genuine confidence that living out from control is the way to go the “training wheels” can properly come off. Of course ‘I’ cannot take full advantage of the “actualism way of living” if ‘I’ am still committed to the ‘tried and true’. I understood this the other day, that the answer cannot be located within the human condition, that ‘I’ can never generate the answer, which means that whatever control ‘I’ try to exert, it can only lead ‘me’ back deeper into the human condition.
So instead ‘I’ step out from control and allow the universe to live this life - this is where the genuine answer can be lived, and as you said - it is where “the real fun, delight, marvel and wonder can fully flourish”.
Yes the other day I was thinking about my work situation and it was regarding my wages. I was aware of the 2 failed options which ‘I’ have oscillated between thus far in ‘my’ life. Which was either to ‘put the other before oneself’ or to ‘take what is mine’ (typically at the expense of the other), I was feeling all the feelings associated with those 2 options and I realised that neither of them can ever work.
Again this was ‘me’ controlling ‘my’ life, and doing a bad job of it. It clicked then than what I always wanted deep down, and what I was always drawn towards was for each and every interaction with a fellow human being to be of maximum benefit to all. ‘I’ saw that ‘I’ am not capable of that, ‘my’ control can never operate in this manner, but that it was possible to live like that and that all ‘I’ have to do is allow the universe to live this life, because in the place where all is wonderful it is exactly like that, and effortlessly so.
3 Likes
Oh and I will just add with regards to the below :
• [Richard]: “(…) back when I was a normal man I came close to the loss of self already mentioned on several occasions (in my first marriage) only to instinctively pull-back, out of instantaneous fear at such imminence, as it intuitively seemed she would thus take over my mind and make me her slave for ever and a day.
It was not until after the four-hour PCE, which initiated the process resulting in an actual freedom, that it became obvious to me what such loss of self actually meant.
Accordingly, I deliberately set out to induce a PCE via giving myself completely to her – totally and utterly – whilst hovering indefinitely on that orgastic plateau which precedes an orgasm (something which I had discovered whilst pubescent).
And then … !Hey Presto! … no separation whatsoever.
(Incidentally, rather than that intuitive fear of thus being her slave coming true it was quite instructive to have her then relate how she had been fantasising about a current heart-throb pop singer all the while I was giving myself to her totally)”.
In the past this was experienced as a severe threat, to consider allowing the above, this must be interesting for you to read, how ‘I’ make something so delightful into a threat but indeed it was scary to contemplate. The closeness and the delight of such proximity, that can be terrifying for ‘me’.
But it is not like so anymore, there is still something like a cautiousness there, but mixed in with this cautiousness there is also this possibility of something sweet to be found in that direction.
1 Like
Hmm this possibility of actual intimacy, or a near-actual intimacy (is that a thing? 
) it is really something… because for ‘me’ intimacy usually meant an emotional intimacy. This would leave ‘me’ and others bruised and so the only other option was a distance. Which means that others were always experienced by ‘me’ in a rather uneasy light, there was the wanting to get close and yet there was as if a minefield that was preventing this possibility. Which means that the possibility of a near-actual caring is also crippled, if ‘I’ cannot get close then how can ‘I’ deeply care?
But then there is the direct experience of the other which skips right past that minefield and provides something so sweet and so immediate, so enticing, so rewarding.
Those are for sure 2 vastly different worlds :
‘My’ world where others are experienced through this sweet and sour lens, of wanting to get close and yet hurting when attempting to do so.
And then the world where the direct experience of the other comes with no hurt whatsoever and with so much reward for both…This is so enticing.
And to proceed in that direction, it does not require pushing because the immediate reward of actual intimacy is more than enticing enough.
1 Like
I woke up today with this thought, or more like surety - that it must be possible to live completely free from suffering. Weirdly enough this seems to be the thing which has given me most trouble, in that it seemed ‘wrong’ to proceed to a place where there is no longer any suffering… How could it be that one could be walking around with no capacity to suffer? It seemed completely impossible that this could be so, and furthermore in some way ‘wrong’.
However ‘my’ suffering is a psychological/psychic phenomenon just as ‘I’ am, it is real but it is not actual. And indeed with the ending of ‘me’ there is no possibility to suffer, no capacity for pathos at all, all of that activity can only happen in the psyche where ‘I’ exist, and none of it is genuine.
Suffering is somehow held to be sacrosanct, apparently intrinsic to what life is all about, that life and suffering are inseparable, but what if all of this is simply part of that same illusory package of ‘me’, which means that indeed it can be wiped clean. Furthermore it means that there is no intrinsic suffering to life - that is a myth.
Only an identity is capable of suffering, a flesh and blood body has no capacity for pathos - how neat is that!? ‘I’ suffer because ‘I’ believe that ‘I’ exist…
Wow I have never seen it so clearly! Suffering is real but it is not actual, it is not a physical phenomenon at all, in that it is not a thing which exists out there in the world, rather it exists in the psyche along with ‘me’, so of course it can be dispensed with altogether. Suffering is a flavour that is intrinsic to ‘being’ but it is only as real as ‘me’.
3 Likes
Kuba: Thank you for your wonderful reply.
It’s for sure much more fun when what is being discussed is based on my ongoing experience rather than some map ‘out there’.
Hi Kuba,
That’s good to hear.
It reminds me of a situation when we were leisurely cruising along a narrow creek in the little dinghy. It was a very picturesque stream with old rainforest trees arching over the water from both sides, gnarly roots exposed on the bank, some ducks swimming in the distance, which completed the amazing atmosphere in this wild and new to us stretch of the various waterways in our area. Suddenly we sighted a car driving close by, and it was explained as being the country road to the neighbouring village, which ‘Vineeto’ had travelled several times, which ran for a short distance along the bank of the creek.
At that moment, these two different worlds just didn’t mix, there the one on land which had clear points of reference for ‘her’, from ‘here’ to ‘there’, and the other, an astonishing world of deep green mixed with some blue, a hushed silence, light and shadow and gurgling water, full of wonder and delight for the senses, an unexplored, fresh and pristine wonderland.
Vineeto: And now that you are gradually coming to terms with the once-in-a-lifetime-decision to leave your ‘self’ behind (which, once taken, cannot be undone) the intermediate playground becomes obvious and the next sensible step …
Kuba: It has become clear to me why stepping out from control is what happens prior to self-immolation, … (link)
Vineeto: And, with increasing diminishment of self-centredness/ self-centricity this is where the real fun, delight, marvel and wonder can fully flourish and full benefit of the actualism way of living reveals itself. Appreciation expands into wonder, amazement, joie de vivre, amiability, bonhomie, relish, gusto and naïve sensuosity and intimacy.
Kuba: Thank you, you wrote this so well – basically now that I have genuine confidence that living out from control is the way to go the “training wheels” can properly come off. Of course, ‘I’ cannot take full advantage of the “actualism way of living” if ‘I’ am still committed to the ‘tried and true’. I understood this the other day, that the answer cannot be located within the human condition, that ‘I’ can never generate the answer, which means that whatever control ‘I’ try to exert, it can only lead ‘me’ back deeper into the human condition.
This is an important realisation that the ‘real’ world and the actual world never ever meet and that there is no sliding progression from one to the other. ‘I’ will never experience actuality (full-stop). Once this is fully taken on board you also gradually realise the liberating nature of this irrefutable fact.
Kuba: So instead ‘I’ step out from control and allow the universe to live this life – this is where the genuine answer can be lived, and as you said – it is where “the real fun, delight, marvel and wonder can fully flourish”.
Allowing the universe to live you may also discover and recognize the various rules, principles, edicts, habits, dogmas and truths designed to keep you in the real world, and one by one you can undo their grip over you. They are easy to recognize – whenever enjoyment and appreciation diminish, the culprit is most likely one of those real-world dogmas.
As Richard says, “with pure intent the universe is with you all the way”. If in doubt, imitate the actual.
Vineeto: The more objections fall by the wayside, and the more you are acclimatising yourself to “that place where all is wonderful”, the less ‘self’-centric you find yourself to be, because “that place where all is wonderful” is for everybody. In other words, such diminished ‘self’-centricity makes room for a genuine caring for your fellow human beings, who are all as much afflicted with being an alien identity as you are.
Kuba: Yes the other day I was thinking about my work situation and it was regarding my wages. I was aware of the 2 failed options which ‘I’ have oscillated between thus far in ‘my’ life. Which was either to ‘put the other before oneself’ or to ‘take what is mine’ (typically at the expense of the other), I was feeling all the feelings associated with those 2 options and I realised that neither of them can ever work.
Again this was ‘me’ controlling ‘my’ life, and doing a bad job of it. It clicked then than what I always wanted deep down, and what I was always drawn towards was for each and every interaction with a fellow human being to be of maximum benefit to all. ‘I’ saw that ‘I’ am not capable of that, ‘my’ control can never operate in this manner, but that it was possible to live like that and that all ‘I’ have to do is allow the universe to live this life, because in the place where all is wonderful it is exactly like that, and effortlessly so. (link)
Have you ever heard of a win-win situation?
When you find yourself caught between two unliveable options you can be confident that there is a third alternative. Instead of hope or despair there is confidence in the perfection of infinitude, instead of unselfishness or selfishness there is equity and parity, instead of love or hate or loneliness there is near-actual intimacy. Again, if in doubt, imitate the actual. It is so eloquently and extensively reported/ explained and described in Richard’s writings that you never have to be trapped by the dilemma of the traditional (materialistic or spiritualistic) paradigm again.
I can also recommend the Srinath-correspondence regarding the maxim of “putting the other before oneself”. I found it very informative, every time I have read it. (Richard, List D, Srinath, 28 July 2016)
Cheers Vineeto
2 Likes