Kub933's Journal

Journals
1436

Ah yes it did feel a bit odd aiming that word at you haha. So the service is what ‘I’ do by giving ‘myself’ up so that I can be innocence personified, this is what ‘I’ do for humankind. What this body will do once ‘I’ am gone or what you do now is part and parcel of being that very benevolence and benignity, of being innocence personified. To call it service is somewhat backwards oriented, taking a word from ‘my’ world and then trying to fit actual innocence into it’s frame.

Ah how interesting that you write this because I was contemplating it just a couple of hours ago when driving to train BJJ. I was looking at what is still keeping ‘me’ from making that 100% commitment. I could see the remaining vestiges of ‘my’ life, of the who that ‘I’ am. I found it odd… On one hand there is this deep desire to be innocence personified and then there is ‘me’, driving to a gym where ‘I’ will engage in a competitive sport that centres around submitting others. There was some kind of a conflict there, because I see that competition is just another variation of the “rat race”, I have already investigated all the ugly outcomes of this.

This doesn’t mean that I have to stop training or teaching BJJ, just like realising that I exist in an exploitative system does not mean I need to go around painting burning banks. However I could see that if ‘I’ am to proceed towards actualising ‘my’ deepest desire (of being innocence personified) that whatever is left of ‘me’ will be obliterated, ‘I’/‘me’ and innocence are incompatible. Whatever remnant aspects of ‘being someone in particular’ are at odds with proceeding towards ‘my’ goal.

But there was this exact thought, that how could ‘I’ (knowing what ‘my’ goal is) encourage any endeavour which causes or perpetuates suffering for even a single person. It is ‘me’ that is the root cause of all the problems not the BJJ but even so it is an interesting place ‘I’ find ‘myself’ in - ‘I’ know what ‘my’ goal is and so now ‘I’ look at ‘my’ life and it’s all under question.

What I am sure of is that going all the way is far more important than concerns of what this body will get up to when ‘I’ am gone. But this “in between” place that ‘I’ am currently in is very fascinating - in what manner do ‘I’ continue living ‘my’ life when ‘I’ know what the goal is… It seems this is the point, that ‘I’ cannot continue living ‘my’ life if ‘I’ sincerely wish to actualise ‘my’ deepest desire, they are simply at odds.

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1437

What I can see here is that there is the problem of the ‘human condition’ and the ‘human constitution’. It is the instinctual passions and the feeling being formed thereof which necessitated the various (ultimately failing) systems - such as fighting one another in front of a crowd as a form of entertainment or obtaining meaning/purpose.

Looking at these systems there is very much the sense of “what the hell is everybody doing” and yet the root cause is ‘me’ as ‘self’ - this needs to go as a first and foremost priority, no genuine change can happen until this takes place.

Then yes perhaps in an actually free world people will no longer require entertainment in the form of strangling each other… But none of this is as important as tackling the root cause. There will for sure be far far “better ways of doing things” with regards to the general set up of society once actual freedom spreads.

But for now ‘I’ can proceed towards the eradication of the root cause all the while knowing that this body will land in a world run by ultimately failing systems, and that it will do a far better job than ‘me’ operating in the world as it is.

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1438

I am starting to understand what is meant by the “near-actual caring” that ‘Vineeto’ utilised in order to self-immolate. It is in this same direction… I saw a post on instagram just now about women experiencing abuse in Brazilian jiu jitsu, in the past ‘I’ had comfortably pushed such things under the carpet, partly because this one example is like a drop of water in the sea of ‘humanity’. It seems that only with the solid possibility of bringing an end to all the madness that ‘I’ can bring the extent of this madness close to ‘me’, so close that it can no longer be ignored. But looking with those eyes (of near-actual caring) the ‘human condition’ is all-around, it is no longer at arms length. Also I can no longer pick this or that cause to get involved in (based on ‘my’ agenda) and ignore all the others.
Before it was ‘my’ identity that would dictate which cause was worthy of acknowledgement, for example the abuse that women experience would be filtered through ‘my’ identity as a man, ‘I’ could never allow it to be close enough (and experienced without a self-centred agenda) so that ‘I’ understood it deeply. But I do now, and in fact the other day I messaged Sonya as I was watching a music video and all of a sudden I viscerally experienced and deeply understood an aspect of the ‘human condition’ specifically as it pertains to women, it was fascinating checking with her and confirming that this has indeed been her experience.

So in short this caring is an acutely emphatic caring but it is also a caring which is devoid of self-centricity.

Yesterday I was watching a documentary about this small concrete island that houses many many people living crammed together and in what would certainly be described as poor living conditions. I experienced this deep and unyielding appreciation at just what human beings are, I can see this near-actual caring is rooted exactly in this.

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1439

Vineeto: You are welcome. You do understand that Richard’s quote about ‘service’ had been referred to your choice and the ramifications of your deep “desire is to be innocence personified”?

Kuba: Ah yes it did feel a bit odd aiming that word at you haha. So the service is what ‘I’ do by giving ‘myself’ up so that I can be innocence personified, this is what ‘I’ do for humankind. What this body will do once ‘I’ am gone or what you do now is part and parcel of being that very benevolence and benignity, of being innocence personified. To call it service is somewhat backwards oriented, taking a word from ‘my’ world and then trying to fit actual innocence into it’s frame.

It is your deep “desire is to be innocence personified” and thus be of service to humankind – “to offer (and demonstrate) a solid alternative to the “hypocrisy, the lack of equity, the ignorant irresponsibility and the harm that was being done by all”, which galvanises you to sacrifice your ‘self’. Well, that is the beginning of your service, afterwards it is just part of the territory of being benign and benevolent, innocent and magnanimous.

Vineeto: From the perspective of innocence any suffering of a single human being is too much and any ‘wisdom’ promoting and perpetuation suffering is intolerable.

Kuba: Ah how interesting that you write this because I was contemplating it just a couple of hours ago when driving to train BJJ. I was looking at what is still keeping ‘me’ from making that 100% commitment. I could see the remaining vestiges of ‘my’ life, of the who that ‘I’ am. I found it odd… On one hand there is this deep desire to be innocence personified and then there is ‘me’, driving to a gym where ‘I’ will engage in a competitive sport that centres around submitting others. There was some kind of a conflict there, because I see that competition is just another variation of the “rat race”, I have already investigated all the ugly outcomes of this.

Mmh, does it have to be “competitive”? Can it not instead be showing fellow human beings how to defend themselves in emergency situations, or simply to enjoy using their physical energy to become proficient in physical activities for the sheer fun of it?

Kuba: This doesn’t mean that I have to stop training or teaching BJJ, just like realising that I exist in an exploitative system does not mean I need to go around painting burning banks. However I could see that if ‘I’ am to proceed towards actualising ‘my’ deepest desire (of being innocence personified) that whatever is left of ‘me’ will be obliterated, ‘I’/‘me’ and innocence are incompatible. Whatever remnant aspects of ‘being someone in particular’ are at odds with proceeding towards ‘my’ goal.

Ha, it’s good you can see that.

Kuba: But there was this exact thought, that how could ‘I’ (knowing what ‘my’ goal is) encourage any endeavour which causes or perpetuates suffering for even a single person. It is ‘me’ that is the root cause of all the problems not the BJJ but even so it is an interesting place ‘I’ find ‘myself’ in – ‘I’ know what ‘my’ goal is and so now ‘I’ look at ‘my’ life and it’s all under question.

Yes, I can understand this very well – the question I was asking myself after having become basically free, was am I really harmless in all my actions? What are the possible ramifications of my actions on others. It took some meticulous searching and intense conversations with Richard to remove some cobwebs of false ideals as well before this question was satisfactorily settled.

Kuba: What I am sure of is that going all the way is far more important than concerns of what this body will get up to when ‘I’ am gone. But this “in between” place that ‘I’ am currently in is very fascinating – in what manner do ‘I’ continue living ‘my’ life when ‘I’ know what the goal is… It seems this is the point, that ‘I’ cannot continue living ‘my’ life if ‘I’ sincerely wish to actualise ‘my’ deepest desire, they are simply at odds. (link)

Mmh, perhaps you’ll see clearer when ‘I’/‘me’ no longer tries to interfere in the effortless happening of life.

Remember, ‘you’ don’t have to become innocent – you said yourself “‘I’/‘me’ and innocence are incompatible” – it may look sincere on the surface but it’s merely a trick to procrastinate.

All ‘you’ have to do is to get out of the way.

Cheers Vineeto

1440

…

Yes I can see this, the “conflict” that I mentioned driving to train BJJ was because it is ‘me’ that can never be innocent, so ‘I’ can deflect by projecting it out into various social issues.

It is exactly what Richard described in one of the articles in his journal when he was being urged to get involved with protesting against the pollution of a local river :

I am that stillness experiencing itself … I am pristine, through and through. By daring to be here now, by being me as-I-am, I have already “cleaned up” all the pollution … by not being polluted at all in the first place.

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1441

Vineeto: Remember, ‘you’ don’t have to become innocent – you said yourself “‘I’/‘me’ and innocence are incompatible” – it may look sincere on the surface but it’s merely a trick to procrastinate.

Kuba: Yes I can see this, the “conflict” that I mentioned driving to train BJJ was because it is ‘me’ that can never be innocent, so ‘I’ can deflect by projecting it out into various social issues.

Hi Kuba,

You can also say that your near-actual-caring is reminding you of your deep desire to be innocence personified, and experiencing the stark discrepancy of ‘me’ and actuality the result of your experience of pure intent working its magic.

Kuba: It is exactly what Richard described in one of the articles in his journal when he was being urged to get involved with protesting against the pollution of a local river:

Richard: I am that stillness experiencing itself … I am pristine, through and through. By daring to be here now, by being me as-I-am, I have already “cleaned up” all the pollution … by not being polluted at all in the first place. (Richard’s Journal, Article Twenty-Five, ©2004)

It’s a wonderful quote, thank you.

Cheers Vineeto

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