Ah yes it did feel a bit odd aiming that word at you haha. So the service is what ‘I’ do by giving ‘myself’ up so that I can be innocence personified, this is what ‘I’ do for humankind. What this body will do once ‘I’ am gone or what you do now is part and parcel of being that very benevolence and benignity, of being innocence personified. To call it service is somewhat backwards oriented, taking a word from ‘my’ world and then trying to fit actual innocence into it’s frame.
Ah how interesting that you write this because I was contemplating it just a couple of hours ago when driving to train BJJ. I was looking at what is still keeping ‘me’ from making that 100% commitment. I could see the remaining vestiges of ‘my’ life, of the who that ‘I’ am. I found it odd… On one hand there is this deep desire to be innocence personified and then there is ‘me’, driving to a gym where ‘I’ will engage in a competitive sport that centres around submitting others. There was some kind of a conflict there, because I see that competition is just another variation of the “rat race”, I have already investigated all the ugly outcomes of this.
This doesn’t mean that I have to stop training or teaching BJJ, just like realising that I exist in an exploitative system does not mean I need to go around painting burning banks. However I could see that if ‘I’ am to proceed towards actualising ‘my’ deepest desire (of being innocence personified) that whatever is left of ‘me’ will be obliterated, ‘I’/‘me’ and innocence are incompatible. Whatever remnant aspects of ‘being someone in particular’ are at odds with proceeding towards ‘my’ goal.
But there was this exact thought, that how could ‘I’ (knowing what ‘my’ goal is) encourage any endeavour which causes or perpetuates suffering for even a single person. It is ‘me’ that is the root cause of all the problems not the BJJ but even so it is an interesting place ‘I’ find ‘myself’ in - ‘I’ know what ‘my’ goal is and so now ‘I’ look at ‘my’ life and it’s all under question.
What I am sure of is that going all the way is far more important than concerns of what this body will get up to when ‘I’ am gone. But this “in between” place that ‘I’ am currently in is very fascinating - in what manner do ‘I’ continue living ‘my’ life when ‘I’ know what the goal is… It seems this is the point, that ‘I’ cannot continue living ‘my’ life if ‘I’ sincerely wish to actualise ‘my’ deepest desire, they are simply at odds.