Kub933's Journal

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

Thank you for your reply, your input is always greatly appreciated.

@Vineeto

Ha, here is the person, having succeeded in dismantling ‘his’ obstructive tricks for being happy and harmless and declaring that all these investigations were a waste of time? At least this is how this paragraph reads to me. From where you started – and everyone has to start where they are at – these deliberations and realisations and insights, with the following actualisations of those insights – were necessary to remove the inevitable roadblocks which any lost, lonely, frightened and very cunning entity will/would put up for their survival.

It is only in hindsight that you can see that your worry and struggle was for naught, because the actual world is already here and is only obscured by ‘your’ persistent presence. Why does Richard say –

Richard: I am full of admiration for the ‘me’ that dared to do such a thing. I owe all that I experience now to ‘me’. I salute ‘my’ audacity. (Richard’s Journal, Appendix 3, p. 282).

– if the process of dismantling ‘me’ doesn’t take daring and audacity?

Yes I see your point and you are correct, the various obstacles are all very real until they are resolved and change is actualised, only then it all seems to have been much ado about nothing and indeed it does take daring and audacity to evince this kind of change.

And to prove the point you already made I have 1 real obstacle which I have been outlining recently . Basically I have come to locate this fundamental insecurity, it expresses itself in many different ways but they all trace back to the same place. Some of the ways it expresses itself in is for example this undercurrent of feeling that I may have made a mistake for which I will be criticised, that I have inadvertently got on the wrong side of someone etc. This feeling is what the high achiever / perfectionist would cover up in the past. Oh you know in the PCE video when Richard gives the example of “excuse me for taking up space” - that is the feeling! In that place it feels like ‘I’ am so small and the world is towering over ‘me’ and ‘I’ am just waiting to be crushed. And this fundamental insecurity, it’s various tentacles reach into many different parts of 'my’ persona, although now it’s a bit like the tentacles have been chopped off one after the other (such as the high achiever / perfectionist etc) and now I am able to see just that place of ‘my’ fundamental insecurity.

I can very much experience the flavour of that place, right at the core of it. I wonder is that feeling of “excuse me for taking up space” because ‘I’ know deep down that ‘I’ am a fraud. ‘I’ am insecure because ‘I’ am only a spanner in the works, and deep down ‘I’ do know this. The normal way to deal with this would be to be proud of one’s performance as an identity, to blindly and passionately defend that ‘I’ am right, good etc. But then without those tactics in place there is only this fundamental insecurity left. And it’s funny because it is a bit like an appendix at this point haha, in that it has nothing to do anymore, no reason to be and yet it is just there.

Actually I should probably amend the above to say ‘I’ am the appendix that is just there now without any reason and hence ‘I’ feel insecure for taking up space.