Keeping Nick honest

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Hi all,

Long time listener.

It’s been a couple of months since I started an actualist practice. I’ve made a lot of headway in the area of beliefs. Dismantling so very many insidious ones that have established over the years.

Goodness has it been eye opening simply doing exactly as Richard instructs. Life is 100x better as a result.

I am posting this to perhaps act as a catalyst to spur me on further, though my motivation to take it to its end has snowballed as of late as I keep enjoying this moment of being alive and unraveling anything that stands in the way of that. And it works. It works so very well I shake my head and ask myself why I didn’t take it to this degree of dedication earlier in my journey.

Some may remember me from the old DhO days. So many years ago. 2 months ago I had a realisation that everything I was saying in my head and elsewhere was complete bullshit. And from there , I jumped back into that Actual Freedom trust website and Simple Actualism, and suddenly a motivation to do the exact same thing others had done arose like never before. That pure intent to be happy and harmless was a breath of fresh air along with my early memories of PCE’s in childhood now no longer easy to not think about and ignore.

This is me keeping myself honest and perhaps I may ask questions. It is indeed a wonderous path and 180 degeees opposite to everything I had done previously. The first beliefs I unravelled (and goodness has it been an adventure unraveling the beliefs I have had) were related to “my path”. So much bullshit I laugh now thinking about it .I seem to have uprooted so very many as I now take long walks everyday for my daily excercise routine and make quite a bit of progress dismantling them during it.

Anyways , life is good.

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Wow! Awesome to hear from you Nick!

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It was @Nikolai_Halay that encouraged me to choose between the DhO practices and actualism, which stopped me trolling (back and forth from being “on board” and then the very next day, objecting with vitriolic posts on the DhO). That was 2013 I think?.

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Hi Andrew,

Nice to hear from you. To tell you the truth, my memory is a tad foggy about the things that happened back then. I do know that a seed was planted about actualism that never left me. A thorn in my side so to speak. Or rather the memory of my PCEs.

I had to finally admit to myself that all the perceptual changes I’d had, though helpful for many things, did NOT lead me where I’ve always wanted to go; an end to that deep dissatisfaction with life. The experience of those PCE’s in childhood just made it impossible to plant a flag on any changes I had previously. And it took 10 years of forgetting about any “practice” to lead me to realise how many bullshit beliefs + feelings run the show.

Plus I fell into a sort of slumber when it came to changing my outlook as had kids, wifey and jobs taking a lot of my attention. 2 months of motivated enjoyment of being alive and investigation into anything that seemed to present as a barrier has led me to actually not experience that mentioned dissatisfaction at all in the past 2 months. Unbelievable! From experience, I know the brain can be changed. So I am now fully on board with this direction, 180 degrees from all those silly belief structures keeping “me” here.

I think I untangled a belief recently which seemed to give off a sense of “I can’t share any of this”. But I’m feeling very motivated to take this to the end, thus this spontaneous sharing.

Strange how quickly it works.

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Welcome aboard @Nikolai_Halay !

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Hi Nick,

Welcome to the forum!

You wrote (emphasis mine):

In the interest of “Keeping Nick honest” and regarding the topic of doing the “exact same thing others had done”, I write just a brief note to say that it appears you may be making the same mistake Tarin made, which is equating ‘your’ motivation – which is of course something sourced in and arising out of a rotten-to-the-core feeling-being (which all of us feeling-beings are at our core) – with pure intent – which is an actually occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that is outside of the human condition.

I highly recommend a re-read (if it’s not a first reading) of the entire Addendum 7 on the “Latest Public Announcement” page on the AFT site: Latest Public Announcement .

For a recent demonstration of the difference between ‘my’ intent/motivation, and pure intent, I refer you to the following.

First read this exchange from ~August 2022:

Now compare the above exchange along with all the details of it and what was being described, to the following which happened in ~April 2023 (just a few days ago):

Note particularly John’s sincere and accurate self-appraisal – “I don’t have pure intent […]” – as compared to August 2022, as this sincerity must have been a key part of what followed.

Also if Buddhism continues to provide any interest or appeal to you whatsoever I highly recommend reading this entire page of the latest correspondence on Buddhism (from ~2015): Selected Correspondence: Buddhism .

Cheers and best regards,
Claudiu

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Hi Claudiu,

Thanks for that. Definitely taking it on board.

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It no longer does.

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Thanks for this. This is very helpful.

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And yes, please do pick apart anything I say. I’m noticing more and more how insidious the ongoing feeling being can be. So it is very helpful to get these pointers.

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I have to say my ongoing experience has improved substantially since putting the actualist approach into action.

Although I have a lack of desire to talk about the practice, I’m somewhat forcing myself to share as the title of this thread entails keeping me honest towards myself.

Since turning more and more attention to tapping into pure intent, the endeavour to enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive has become a much easier and fun approach to living in general, regardless of whether the end result happens or not. I was having a lot of old reoocuing feelings for and thought patterns of not enabling to be here in this earth these past years. So much so that it eventually triggere me to revisit the actual freedom practice but a bit more honest with it compared to past “efforts”.

I have a lengthy history in insight practice within various Buddhist circles with perceptual changes here and there. But a lot of the changes where safe to say now, simply moulding the feeling being into this and that so that it was more “palatable” if that is even possible. I think deep down I’ve always been dissatisfied with the results of that/those paths I was immersed in, not to mention the arguments for it put forth by everyone else participating in a those paths, as well as the constant sense of identity building I was doing with it all.

I’m very wary of doing that on with this practice too as I see the incessant feeling being giving rise to thoughts what “I” will do when actually free. So sneaky and I’m happy to actually be able to see it and question it. It is also fun to pull apart because whenever I keep questioning these mental gymnastic movements to “be someone” they seem to unravel and lead closer to PCE/ EE territory.

Pure intent is a game changer and I’m well aware when I say that there may be some baggage some read into it as my name is on the Actual freedom website for all the wrong reasons haha! Crazy how viewpoints change!

Claudiu pointing out my potential adherence to those past missteps above led me to deep dive into all the writings on pure intent on the main site and here and elsewhere. So misinformed last time I thought I was putting it to use. Anyways, I somehow have the ability to tap into that benevolent and benigity that Richard refers to, that is part and parcel of a PCE. Im not gonna try and describe it in my own words but I’ve really come to a realisation Richard’s words are the best and most accurate description needed. And it works even when I have a not so nice feeling, I remember the PCE I’ve had recently and that inherent purity, and this somehow triggers that tapping into, momentarily leading to a sort of undoing of any emotional knot that is there and then again closer to PCE territory. It leads to an immediate “thinning out” of the feeling being so that enjoying and ppreciating become more naturallly occurring.

I’d like to take this opportunity as well as I am enjoying the process of untangling all the mental and emotional knots this mind body organism seems to have tied over the years, to untangle another for myself. Myself and Claudiu perhaps did not end our back and forth communications well in the distant past, or at least I did not being so attached to the “budddhist” identity I’d carefully formed at the time, maybe 11 years ago nowI think. I apologise to you and hope there are no hard “feelings”, at least I’d like not to dwell on it as it does seem to crop up as I type this post. I hereby u Rangel that knot within myself.

My current actualist practice shifts focus from day to day, I have realisations about the feeling being again andagain pulling apart old beliefs that seem to act as barriers to enjoying this very moment. Richard’s question “how can I psychologically and psychically self-immolate?” is a common thought as is the intention to tap into pure intent at any given moment as well as simply asking “why am I not actually free right now?” These all lead to EE’s and at times momentary PCE’s. It truly is the most enjoyable path to choose it least in my limited experience of “paths”. The results are immediate and fuel the ongoing practice. I’m enjoying and appreciating the results of all this.

I’ve really also enjoyed reading about teh Man from Sydney and Georgey’s account of actual freedom. Their words have also added to the enthusiasm. I’m taking it on board that this IS my destiny and that it WILL happen. I know that brain changes are possible from past experience so that also contributes to knowing this will happen. Anyway, I’m glad I forced myself to type this.

Feel free to pull apart anything I type as for some reason I am thoroughly enjoying the process of pulling everything I communicate apart as well.

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Hi Nick,

I’m not rendering any evaluation or judgment here, just a question to assist you in your goal to keep yourself ”honest”:

Given you do have a history of ”past missteps” regarding, for example, what pure intent is — how do you know that you have got it right this time, ie that you aren’t misstepping again?

In other words, what’s the way or means or mechanism by which you are being sincere now such as to know you aren’t misstepping? And how’s it different from the past when you did misstep?

Cheers,
Claudiu

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Hi Claudiu,

A very brief and probably not satisfactory answer for anyone to judge what I do is that a lot of the posts here in this thread: Connection to pure intent without contact? - #11 by Miguel

…make complete sense to me now. And as I type, the mind is fully aware of two ways of experiencing this moment of being alive, one where it is all actual, no feeling me arising, no feeling being filter masking the pristine purity of the actual world with this body as a part of it …and the other, the feeling being filtering it all, hazy, sticky, so unsatisfactory with those instinctual passions and tendency to manifest as malice and sorrow. Yet, I’m able to remember the purity of the PCEs I’ve had (why I am here) and the feeling being gets thinner so to speak, more childlike and innocent, unassuming, less the sneaky sly deceptively thick and soupy feeling being, but lighter feeling being touched and infused by the memory of the purity of “me” not being there, of the PCE. Naïveté I think. A much more ideal way of exisiting as this feeling being than any other way I have experienced of it. Then PCE’s happen more frequently from this ongoing experience. Momentary, some longer seconds, minutes. I have had enough now to be fully convinced it is the way I wish to exist on this planet as as this mind and body. Tis my destiny.

I was following instructions long ago that were more to do with just having 100% motivation as a feeling being and that is it though my memory of it is a bit vague. It wasn’t triggering naïveté and allowing the purity of the PCE to inform the way forward. My sense of identity back then was a different beast.

I am dealing with a reluctance to try and put it into my own words. Which is why I haven’t posted much. But it is good I try as I feel it’s fertile territory to uproot some blocks, knots and feeling being trickery. In future I’ll give it a try.

I appreciate the question, Claudiu.
Thanks

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It’s lovely to have you sharing @Nikolai_Halay .

I am hardly anyone to “keep you honest”, but my 2c opinion is that the genuine honesty you displayed in coming back to giving actualism another go is the sort of character that if nothing else makes for a great father and person.

Your approximate words to me all those years ago were, “if you can do it for yourself, get it done for your family” :smiley:

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Hi Andrew,

Thanks mate!

My late 40’s have made my memory even worse. I can’t remember saying that to you. Haha

The kids and wife are a big part of it. I was going through a lot of reoccurring disgust with being alive these last few years and it was feeding into daily life in not a good way.

I’d put all practices to the side for over a decade and it was only recently this year I started questioning wtf was going on with me. Eventually, it was too hard to ignore the PCEs id had long ago as a solution after that.

I decided for the good of those around me, I’d dive back in but without all the dumb baggage i was dragging around before. Over the last 10 years of living life kids jobs etc. I’d naturally drifted away from a lot of the things/beliefs that propped up that old identity being put forth so it was easy to let go of a lot of bolllocks and be much more sincere this time round.

I was an immature arsehole back then, so I’m glad I at least told you something useful, maybe.

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Glad it helped!

This is a good one to keep running. I find the most fantastic clean and clear pristine and enjoyable moments of being alive and enjoying the sheer simplicity and intrinsic fantastic-ness of being alive in and of itself per se — has come from simply being sincere, completely and utterly transparent (as in no deception), marveling at how simple that can be and how “deep” (in the sense of “thorough” as opposed to the sense of “deep dharma”) such a “plain” thing as sincerity can be, simply being totally artless, without guile or artifice!

It might indicate a fear of being exposed? As in perhaps feeling like a fraud and not wanting to bring it to light?

I say this not due to your history in particular but rather that it’s a general thing that everybody experiences.

Bringing it all to the bright light of your own awareness — and/or exposing yourself to the scrutiny of your peers — is the best cure though!

Think of it like this. If you are mistaken about something (whether due to deceit or ignorance, conscious or subconscious) — then the sooner you correct it the better, so you don’t go down a wrong path. Sharing notes has a better chance of revealing it rather than going on your own.

Whereas if you aren’t mistaken then sharing will only confirm that and bring more confidence.

One might say there’s a chance you’re on the right path but the words you choose to put it in might lead to a disagreement or argument where someone will think you’re mistaken. I’ve never once seen it happen that such a thing isn’t resolved in a few posts. When the enduring disagreements happen it’s because there is a substantial difference.

Cheers,
Claudiu

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Second this.

It exposed me after many years to the circles I was travelling in and the end result has been I really don’t believe in much at all. To the point I am happy being a “non-actualist” which has been the best thing for me.

So many embarrassing re-reads of my posts is the best! For whatever reason I was always so active, it has been fantastic to have just put it out there.

How many times in life can one actually do that?

@Nikolai_Halay don’t be too hard on yourself with the arsehole assessment. Life is way too fragile and precious to hold views like that. You are a saint compared to many. Whether by your own efforts, or luck; appreciate that you did indeed help others and continue now to be something quite unique in the world.

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Hi Claudiu,

Yes. You are right. There is on investigation a feeling of not wanting to be judged, a fear is there. Good to see it come up.

I am also somewhat wary of the strong tendency in myself to develop a strong identity around wherever I start participating. I see it in every place I may have posted online. It’s a strong habit. The posting and checking for answers dopamine hit. So, along with fear of judgement, which I think I have always had in all avenues of life, I’m not interested in “establishing myself” in any forums online for example. Yes, I did post here out of the blue, and it seems now to be a mix of both attempting to keep myself brutally honest as I was expecting my words to be picked apart, in order to navigate the deception of the feeling beingI have come to know, AND a feeling, a need for sharing and cementing some aspect of the direction I wish to walk, but the wariness of it solidifying into yet another platform for “me” to be “someone” is there.

So far though the feedback from you has been both annoying to the feeling being (haha), but also very, very useful in exploring territory I hadn’t considered and getting fantastic results. It forces me to be brutally honest and break through those sublte layers of self-deception. Pure intent and naïveté for example has become much clearer and important to ongoing practice as a result. So I see the immense benefit for sure. So, my posting will be sporadic and most probably forced. haha!

Honestly though, it is actually really freeing to be absolutely and embarrassingly honest about all the feeling being shortcomings. No places to hide. It is what needs to go, so why protect it???

Tis my destiny!

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Hi Andrew,

I’m certainly not feeling I’m being hard on myself. Just honest. This feeling being is a complete and utter cvnt. And it needs to self-immolate ASAP. Haha!

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Don’t forget though, that “feeling being”
is exactly the one who allows anything to happen.

As @Srinath said years ago " any rancour against the psychic web/self/feeling being, only perpetuates it" (paraphrasing from memory).

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