I’ve certainly being cast between a state of heroism and dispair throughout a great part of my life. Any certainty, any foundation, which to stand upon has always been lost in the crazy interflux between the two - in the agony of utter confusion.
Living with a shattered ‘self’.
These days the ‘pendlum’ no longer seem to swing in these extremes. I no longer cry and curse my clumsy footstep and I no longer need to lay down because of getting manically excited about something. I’m neither manic nor heroic. But even if this dance between the light and the dark is minimized, the very basic structure of how my psyche operates seem to remain.
My ‘self’ ain’t shattered no more.
I don’t experience myself lacking in sincerity. In the aftermath of my abyssal experience, when having wandered in a confused state of mind for many years, I stumbled upon this gem in the writings of young Felix. To my amazement Felix, a newcomer on Slack, who knew little to nothing about Actualism (?) still acted like some sort of actualist prophet and thus he made a fools effort to wake all us sleepers the fuck up! It was so funny when he notified every single person on the list of members at Slack! I was moved, something inside me here clicked. Before these events I didn’t know sincerity … or had since long … lost it’s flame in the black depths of my own soul.
This quality of sincerity ‘waxes and wanes’ but never does it leave me completely.
But sincerity wasn’t enough by itself, even though I here made my first genuine attempt at this buissness of Actualism in the year of 2020, I later lost my way again for many months - going back and forth like this… the picking up of the ball … later to drop it … Unknown to me back then … there was another quality that was missing. This quality was later found when reflecting upon my own experiences in relation to the naive writings of Frank and his recollection of a zoom-meeting with geoffrey. Here my intent was awaken - and thus it also marks the begining of my journal.
This quality of my intent ‘waxes and wanes’ but never does it leave me completely.
Now, having walked a while upon my own path, being blessed by these two qualities, I no longer make much distinction between the two. I now find it hard to say where sincerity starts and my intent begins. They seem intertwined; as if being the different sides of the same coin. Without sincerity it wouldn’t even be possible to take one’s very first step on the path [no flame] and without intent it would be impossible to stay on the path - and to keep on walking - even when it gets dark and things seem to be without an solution (being lost in a fog of feelings etc.). I therefore like the phrase … sincere intent …
I don’t care to write here much … and I can hardly bring myself to do so. But the other day I did manage (an act of strength) to confess about my whereabouts. I didn’t expect anything to come from this - but lo and behold! - yesterday morning something seem to have clicked when I realized (?) that what has been missing in my erroneous approach - might be a solid connection/link - to this moment of being alive. This sounds logical when reading my own words:
“it’s like I’m mostly spending my time dreaming about being aware of this moment of being alive - a sort of dissociated timeless moment which isn’t actual. []… I’m sort of trapped deep within my own mind. I don’t feel happy here in this imagined moment of being alive where I just tumble around in my own chaotic disociated state.”
I guess a feeling being easily can make the misstake of thinking of this moment in ‘abstract terms’ as if it’s something that’s to be understood ‘intellectually’ or through the repetetive force of asking HAIETMOBA; that the glory of this moment will eventually sort of dawn upon self one day? In my own case I’ve sort of made it an habit of putting extra emphasis on this moment - sometimes even verbally/mentally uttering but this one word (“this”) - in attempt of making it absolutely clear that I’m emotionally aware in this moment. But as it seems … I’ve been dissociating … perhaps trying to have a misty part of myself acting as the ‘moment’ that I pretended/desired to know? I don’t know how else to ‘intelligently’ (?) describe this in words.
““This moment” is not abstract at all. It is all there is.” - geoffrey on Slack (2017)
In any case, I was very excited while riding my bike to work yesterday morning, when my mind poundered upon this … and here … was experiencing myself as able to turn my attention towards this moment. I could actively turn my awareness towards it - almost as if now always ‘looking for it’ - while being aware of feelings at the same time (How else to describe what I’m now doing?).
This different approach … felt like the opening of a window and now to have a fresh air flowing into the dark dungeon called me - here to mix with the stench of the rotten feelings that I’ve been breathing for so long. Everything felt so much easier, my heart felt light and the most part of yesterday morning I thus spent in a most unusual joyous state of mind; playing and fooling around with the kids that I work with.
Perhaps I’m now to ‘ground’ myself in this new approach? Perhaps I’m now to strengthen the relationship - this link - between me and this moment? Time and experience will tell … if this is a dead end …or if I’m really onto something here. What speaks of it’s authenticity is that I want to do it … and can’t stop doing it. It’s like I have found this new toy that I want to keep playing around with. Perhaps I’m finally begining to understand what was written to me almost 4 years ago (2019) on Slack by Mr. Srinathjelly:
“Oh yeah and then there’s the all important 3rd facet - experience that isn’t affective, being aware that it is always this moment and besides the affective, the sensuous can also be paid attention to abc delighted in. So as you can see it is quite a dynamic practise.” (on the subject of asking HAIETMOBA)
If so … it would be a bit embarassing eh? What others seem to pick up at first sight and take for granted - takes years for me to understand! Funny part is … that I wasn’t even aware that I was trying to understand this at all. I now know why there are no questions for the actually free (I sometimes wish I had a thousand questions for them): I’m such a muddle head. I don’t even know what my problems are and thus I don’t know what to ask! How the hell to become free when I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing!? 
I can only pray that I’ll one day experientally will understand how to be Happy and Harmless. Then you’d all be saying:
“If that old fool could do it then surley everyone can!”
Until then, don’t expect anything at all from this unintelligent and slow moving Turtle. 