I want a good reason to write and I wish that I had something to show. But not much is happening really.
Progress is slow…
What I seem to have found out (after all this time) is that I’m struggling to enjoy and appreciate because I seem to be very dissociated. I noticed this right now, when the fog of emotions cleared to some degree, that even though I’m working so hard on HAIETMOBA - it’s like I’m mostly spending my time dreaming about being aware of this moment of being alive - a sort of dissociated timeless moment which isn’t actual.
When my dissociated state evolves into a more actual experience of this moment of being alive - this sort of opens up for the “senses to sense” (that’s how it feels) and since I’m often just feeling (not sensing) I’m sort of trapped deep within my own mind. I don’t feel happy here in this imagined moment of being alive where I just tumble around in my own chaotic disociated state. This might have to do with a life of much trauma and the later heroic effort I put into becoming enlightened. Who cares?
What matters is: How to break through the fog?
Well, these past weeks my intent has ramped up noticeably. My best guess would be that an ever increasing intent, will eventually bring the success that I’m looking for. Intent itself seems extremely important. Intent is what has me put my mind to this and it’s what has me endure what I’d rather run from. I don’t have pure intent and my only way of making it pure (the word purity means nothing to me yet) is to keep ramping it up (this cannot be an forced effort). Knowing that “I” can do something acctually helps. Knowing that I’m the only one that can do something about myself - helps even further.
Failure is not an option, even though failure is what I might have.