Jesus Carlos Journal

Journals
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I had a PCE or “vision of perfection” of that actual world in which there is no drama, no need, no resistance, no defense mechanism. Only a vast stillness, a sweetness perneating everything and a great sense of humor: I recorded, with all clarity, that in the actual and free world there is no seriousness, only an absolute sincerity product of the purity inherent to this universe. With all this, it only remained for me to express “I have absolute confidence in this universe, since it has brought me to this moment.”

It all happened after having ingested fungi, with the chemical component of psilocybin. The PCE occurred after several episodes of contemplation, appreciation, introspection and “fight” with an alien entity inhabiting this body, which later came to be understood as a mere human condition being denied, to finally integrate as an other dimension of ‘me’ or me in my core. After the moment of struggle-recognition-integration, a deep cry ensued, an emotional discharge that allowed me to drain myself and reduce myself to a minimum. At the end I noticed that there was only pure “love”, or rather “pure sweetness” (in principle I didn’t mind distinguishing one from the other, but I know that the first one could take me to an ASC and translate into an increase of the ‘I’, but it didn’t happen).

I was in that PCE for several minutes, and later came back for a couple of hours (the effect of mushrooms was very soft at this time), in which I was contemplating nature, the trees, the birds, the rocks, the plants, and then the stars, the moon, and greatly enjoying the company of my partner, without any record of any emotional compulsion (just “sweetness, sweetness, sweetness” and an absence of separation, which generated a deep atmosphere of intimacy).

Between one PCE and the other, I was trying to understand the connection with pure intent, which would allow me to keep the golden thread and access to perfection again. Even today, a few days away, I maintain that pure connection, which allows me to easily move from feeling neutral to feeling good and from time to time from feeling good to feeling excellent. I haven’t managed to go any further and I’m on it, trying to investigate what’s stopping me. I note the reactivation of a certain fear, on a subtle level, of releasing again the controls. And thanks to the previous experience, I know that this resistance is “me”, it is the human condition, it is what at that moment was fully integrated and gave its place to the actual world.

Thank you Richard, Vineeto, Peter, and everyone here, because it was essential to be able to reach this experience, to have a map that would prevent my loss in other directions. That, the desire to be free and sincerity were and are the key.

A final note: during the PCE I was able to ask myself a couple of times, is this what I want? And the answer was: definitely yes!

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[…] Between one PCE and the other, I was trying to understand the connection with pure intent, which would allow me to keep the golden thread and access to perfection again. Even today, a few days away, I maintain that pure connection, which allows me to easily move from feeling neutral to feeling good and from time to time from feeling good to feeling excellent. I haven’t managed to go any further and I’m on it, trying to investigate what’s stopping me. I note the reactivation of a certain fear, on a subtle level, of releasing again the controls. And thanks to the previous experience, I know that this resistance is “me”, it is the human condition, it is what at that moment was fully integrated and gave its place to the actual world.
Thank you Richard, Vineeto, Peter, and everyone here, because it was essential to be able to reach this experience, to have a map that would prevent my loss in other directions. That, the desire to be free and sincerity were and are the key.
A final note: during the PCE I was able to ask myself a couple of times, is this what I want? And the answer was: definitely yes!

Hi @Jesus.Carlos,

This is perhaps the most comprehensive and all-encompassing PCE-report I have read. It has all the ingredients a leisurely experienced PCE can have, including establishing the golden clew to access pure intent.

Now, it seems, there is nothing in the way to you enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive each moment of your life.
You only need to actualize what you already know and have described so well. What a great time to be alive!

With appreciation
Vineeto

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@Vineeto, thank you so much for your very kind response to my report, it encouraged me to find it in the right track. In order to keep on it, I want to share the continuity of my experience:

Until yesterday it had been relatively easy to keep the pure intent, but recently some fears were reactivated. I have been trying to remember the access to PCE and the subsequent way to reconnect with pure intent. But it’s not being easy. Some context could help: what allowed me to access the PCE (aided by the effect of the mushrooms) was the integration of that alien entity, that is, the step of stopping seeing it as something foreign to me and rather recognizing it as myself, a part of me that was being denied, rejected. Even more context: I am in a bonding process with my partner, we have gone through difficult months, in which each of us has had to make changes to be able to be together, in the best way, and what I have been dealing with the most has been the fear of rejection or abandonment. So prior to accessing PCE, I experienced a breakdown of all my defenses, of those protective mechanisms that I was using to protect myself from that potential rejection or abandonment by my partner. Instead, an immense feeling of sweetness, or non-possessive, free love, etc. arose.

I could see that this feeling came from me and was 100% mine, genuine and independent of her. That is to say, it was not the result of an action on her part, but rather an action on my part: leaving fear behind and any resistance that prevented true intimacy between us. I discovered that putting myself in a situation of total vulnerability and openness to any event, without expecting specific results, was what was missing on my part. That act of sincerity was what allowed my being to integrate and then I began to experience enormous sweetness, in everything, inside and outside of me, in what surrounded me, etc. This gave rise to PCE: experiencing perfection, that nothing is needed, that everything is good and safe, all that was required was my total participation, relaxation and abandonment of all fear. At that moment I could see that I felt ready to die, in case death came. That I had reached in that moment, the main goal. I always remained clear that it was a passing moment, and not something permanent, as I know the changing nature of the human experience well enough (and the temporary effect of mushrooms). But once it was gone, I was able to intentionally return to it, a couple of times, through pure intent: to focus all my attention on this one moment of being alive and enjoy it, appreciate it, without any reservation and allow myself to be amazed by all its splendor. That reactivated the PCE a second time and lasted until the end of the day. The next day I no longer experienced PCE, but my feelings were harmless and happy. And they were like that until yesterday, when I once again felt afraid of possible rejection or abandonment by my partner.

I share all this with the intention of getting some feedback, but above all to clarify again the steps that led me to pure intent and the PCE:

  1. Awareness and consideration regarding her process, firm decision to stop pressuring her seeking to obtain emotional certainties on her part.

  2. Awareness of all my resistances, defenses, fears, doubts.

  3. Awareness of my own value: moment in which I could see, with complete clarity, that we are autonomous beings and free to decide what each one wants and desires and that everything will be fine under the pure and sincere intention of living the best life or possible way. If they reject or abandon me it has nothing to do with my own integrity, I am worth what I am worth, no more and no less.

  4. Integration of everything I reject: my imperfection, my fears, my doubts, my different ways of being. Integrity, embracing everything without leaving anything out.

  5. Vulnerability and nakedness: recognizing all my imperfections and fears and letting others see them, despite the fear of being rejected or hurt.

  6. Overcoming fear through the experience of sweetness, starting with me but finding complete resonance in everything else. The sweetness is not mine but from the benevolent universe, of which I am a part. Synchronization with it.

  7. Experience of perfection: this moment is perfect, it contains everything, immaculate, absolute meaning, total understanding, I am not there or I am in the background, the important thing is everything else, these mountains, this person next to me, this bench, table, birds, clouds, the perfection of everything that is and exists.

  8. Confirmation that in this perfection the sense of humor operates to the maximum, perfection is fun, jovial, free, there is no need to be serious, nor to pretend anything, there is no falsehood, only sincerity and lightness.

  9. Total trust in this universe that has brought me to this moment. Recognition that is guiding my steps, despite all my doubts and fears, because I have maintained the intention of finding total peace and eradication of all violence. I see the fruits and I know that it will continue to be like this until the end.

  10. Reactivation of pure intent through attention to this single moment of being alive with complete appreciation and enjoyment, whatever it may be.

Apologies if I have been too long, but I wanted to give as much detail as possible.

As I finish writing all this I am once again experiencing the pure intent, some tears of sweetness even run down my cheeks. I observe that my fears are activated by a rigidity on my part, an inflexibility in the face of changing situations, a harsh judgment on my abilities. I had forgotten to treat myself like my own best friend and instead was taking up being my own worst judge.

Life is great, full of second chances.

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This one is such a great thing to see, and of course the same applying to each and every fellow human being, this is also what I was describing here https://discuss.actualism.online/t/this-moment-has-no-duration/286/111:

That this enormous and infinitely complex universe even exists in the first place, and further that it has arranged itself into the azure planet called earth, and further that this planet is teeming with life, and further that from all of this a thinking and reflective creature was born, and further that as this creature the universe is able to experience itself - WOW.
I realise that all of the above is this body’s and every body’s birthright, and this brings a depth to the words “fellow human being” which I can’t quite put into words.

The integrity of what I actually am vs the self-esteem of who ‘I’ really am is such a precious thing to behold. I remember a PCE I had a couple of years ago, where I was walking around the neighbourhood near my work and I saw some women in burkas, I remember specifically making the observation that it would be impossible for me to get into any kind of conflict over this or that belief, because I no longer saw them as identities (regardless of what they chose to do with their lives) they were fellow human beings which means this integrity or this intrinsic value was the only way I could experience them.

But it is not so in the real world hey? :laughing: In the real world where the hierarchy exists one’s value is conditional upon their performance as an identity and can forever shift, this is such a painful existence to be devoid of this integrity or this intrinsic value.

I find this quite fascinating because this is one of those last dramas that I find myself circling these days. This sense of having to perform in order to claim some kind of worth, whilst at the same time being devoid of intrinsic worth, so the chase never stops.
As you wrote though in the PCE it is seen that this moment is already complete, that nothing needs to be done and this extends to the fact that being what I actually am there is no longer a need to perform in order to earn my worth, this is such a big burden to drop.

I do find it very sweet that in actuality the hierarchy does not exist, as in it is impossible to place one fellow human beings worth above/below another, and furthermore each and every human being’s integrity has such deep roots that it cannot be shaken, it is a given.

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The thing which is fascinating me now is that with the death of the hierarchy it is a situation where everybody wins, as in ‘I’ drop this burden of having to earn ‘my’ worth but at the same time my fellow human beings are freed from this very same burden. So it is doing it for this body, that body and everybody.

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I had an EE/IE a few moments ago. In the afternoon I came home to repair walls with my partner. We were at it for a few hours. At some point I found myself in the bathroom, urinating, and reflecting on love. About the impossibility of loving without at the same time enabling space for fear. The fear of the suffering of losing what is loved. That in any case you could be brave and love as much as possible despite fear. But that was precisely the limit, never being able to free oneself from fear completely. So I was thinking about the third alternative. In moving from love to the most complete consideration and full enjoyment of the company of another human being, in total freedom. Appreciate every moment shared, to the fullest. I left the bathroom with that firm conviction and I clearly felt the pure intent activated: the predisposition to appreciate every moment of being able to experience with this human. And when we moved on to more intimate issues, the IE emerged: a highly significant increase in all sensory experience. A splendid clarity in each of the bodily sensations. There was a distinction between her body and mine, but at the same time a perfect, intense communion between each of the parts. I began to notice the transition towards a PCE, in the sense that at times the perfection of this moment became apparent. But I noticed that harmless and happy feelings were present at all times, and me at the center. There came a time when I noticed the clear disappearance of the doer and in its place a pure beer emerged, life being lived this way. That was beautiful. I thought on several occasions: this is how I want to live the rest of my days, and even further. Suddenly there were no traces of fear. Just the enormous appreciation for fully enjoying this only moment of beign alive. And when I thought about it, the awareness of the finitude of life allowed me to appreciate even more intensely the importance of that (and this) precious moment. Even as I write this I experience that power of appreciation that exponentially leads from feeling good, to feeling excellent.

I begin to notice a new floor in my way of being alive, moment by moment. And that makes me even more happier and harmless.

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Some details regarding yesterday’s IE. I noticed on more than one occasion that I was suddenly over-intellectualizing what was happening, that is, thinking about it more than paying all my attention to the sensations and appreciation and enjoyment of it all. But it was enough to notice it to reverse it and return to the main thing. Also on more than one occasion objections arose, attempts by the old emotional pattern to sabotage what was happening. But I’m noticing that it’s getting easier to convince myself that I don’t need that protection mechanism anymore (actually none, but we’re taking care of the ones that arise). Attending to those distractions, and resolving those objections (recognizing their siliness, and deciding not to take that route), in light of the appreciation and enjoyment of that single moment, caused IE to become increasingly deeper, bordering on PCE. Why didn’t PCE happen? I don’t know, one hypothesis is that by being more attentive to the interaction with the other, I left aside - without observing/attending - some aspects of my psyche that remained as subtle defenses. Something that I will be investigating in future similar occasions, as long as experiential appreciation and enjoyment predominate and lead to a clearer understanding.

The potent combination of attentiveness – fascinated reflective contemplation – and sensuousness produces apperception…http://www.actualfreedom.com.au/richard/articles/attentivenesssensuousnessapperceptiveness.htm

This makes totally new sense, specially if it is happening inside the frame of appreciation and enjoyment.

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The actualism method is not about undermining the passions … on the contrary, it is about directing all of that affective energy into being the felicitous/innocuous feelings (that is, ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being, which is ‘being’ itself) in order to effect a deliberate imitation of the actual, as evidenced in a PCE [a pure consciousness experience], so as to feel as happy and as harmless (as free of malice and sorrow) as is humanly possibly whilst remaining a ‘self’. Richard’s Correspondence On The Actual Freedom Mailing List with Rick

This is resonating with me in an increasingly powerful way. On Sunday, while an EE was occurring, I was struck by a deep fear. After making it as much as conscious as possible, I discovered that it was the survival instinct operating, the fear of death. Associated with this fear I found some variants: fear of being emotionally manipulated by higher powers, that is, fear of not having control of my emotional states and instead someone or something else had that control. There I notice a double intention, on the one hand the ego wanting to have control of all the situations and on the other hand a genuine concern for not having true freedom. This second aspect led me to recover pure intent through channeling that fear, that paranoia, towards the most considered, attentive and joyful experience of this single moment (appreciation). I experienced this as a concentration of affective mental energy towards this moment, reducing attention to any other imagination or narrative that had nothing to do with the sensory and affective experience of this moment.

Later I was in the kitchen, preparing a dressing (it turned out excellent), ruminating on the truth of “I’m my feelings and my feelings are me.” Suddenly I could see it with a clarity I had never experienced before. Which leads me to think that there are still dissociations operating in my psyche, which I am gradually mending, through an increasingly more constant or less oscillating appreciation and enjoyment over time.

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In the past days I lost the connection with pure intent completely. And when I recovered it this morning, after feeling good, bordering on excellent, I was able to understand more clearly what was happening. I must emphasize that I couldn’t see it clearly while I was feeling bad. It all has to do with love, with falling in love. I have allowed myself to experience this feeling as much as possible, to truly know it, through my own experience and to be able to understand its mechanism, its limits. On the one hand it is something wonderful and has something positive: to “be able to love”, after falling in love (at least in my case), I have to live and overcome, in some way, the fear of rejection. I have to dare to experience vulnerability, to feel completely exposed to the other. This is in a way liberating, because it can help to look at myself and stop dissociating (not repressing fear, feeling it, living it, learning to live with it and little by little observing its disappearance as I recognize and understand the facts). But then the negative aspect arises: love becomes possessive, in the sense that it makes this feeling (and the association of it with the other) the ultimate meaning of life. When this happens, the relationship with the loved one becomes the source of well-being. I have to be aware of the ups and downs to maintain the positive energy of love. And that is extremely enslaving. For one and for the other. I became obsessive about monitoring her states and reactions. A total perversion nestled in the center of my being, in the sense that this feeling is me and nothing else. I have been exploring all the variants of love, from its most toxic version to the supposedly healthiest. In all of them there is an insurmountable limit: the fear of losing that feeling and that feeling depends largely on what the other person does or does not do. Because if it were just me, sooner or later I would end up feeling like a lonely voice in the desert.

So, fear is intrinsic to love, love depends on fear as its foundation. By recovering the pure intent I could clearly see that it was that fear and that that fear caused me to constantly feel bad, anxious, insufficient, needing to prove my worth, stressed about not getting any confirmation of it, etc. With pure intent clarity returns: happy, harmless, peaceful, soft, calm, and sweet feelings. I feel good about myself again as I am, without the need to be more (in any case, to be less, in the sense of demanding less or nothing of myself, to demonstrate my value socially speaking). A concern arises, which has already been expressed in other conversations in this forum: without the feeling of love will she want to maintain the relationship? Will I be able to stay safely and happily, with full consideration for her, without placing limits on her autonomy, without ceasing to consider her free and independent existence? The first does not depend on me and therefore requires me to completely let go of controls. The second depends on me and the only way to solve it is to try it, with the clarity that without pure intent it will be fake, artificial, and boring. With pure intent I see that I want to continue sharing with her as much as circumstances allow, without regretting when I can’t (because I will still be enjoying my life, this precious moment) and without looking for a replacement for fear of the loneliness of a narcissistic self.

I see that the same mechanism observed here applies to the professional field: I depend on the feeling of feeling important, valuable, to others, to feel that my life is worth it. With pure intent I see the possibility of continuing to do what I do without needing social retribution. It is enough to know that there is the intention to do it as best as possible, enjoying it come what may, for my own good and that of everyone else.

Without the memory of the PCE I experienced a few weeks ago, I would be more lost, confused and afraid. It has become essential to remember it to reorient myself.

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So after the July PCE came two intense months of continuing to explore “love” and its implications. At the same time I ended the public position I had. The latter has been what has involved me the most lately. I realized that a whole identity had been formed around it. The identity of the activist who began to hold a position in the government in order to change things. 9 years later I see the fruits and consequences. They were good years of work and achieving things that I consider positive for the city. But the effects on the health of the body (and in “mental health”) have been many. I suffer from chronic stress according to the latest medical reports. And as a result, I have not been able to recover from reactive arthritis. Things that before the PCE I saw in a certain way as misfortunes, but that after it and the recovery of pure intent, it is possible for me to see objectively as mere health issues to attend to.

Although dismantling the political and activist identity is bringing enormous benefits, it has above all been the exploration of love that has brought the most. What I can say for now is that I have been replacing a way of relating to my partner based on compulsive attraction with a way based on sweetness and care (and this substitution has not been a forced decision, rather I would say that it has been the product of experience and sincere observation). I can recognize that this care has above all to do with not imposing my agenda on her and fully understanding that she is a human being with her own autonomy, desires and needs. It has helped me to remember Richard’s commitment to giving himself completely to someone else with the firm intention of managing to live in an absolutely peaceful, harmonious and beneficial way for both. I feel less and less compulsive, in fact there are already days or maybe weeks in which I do not experience again the level of anxiety that I felt before the PCE. From time to time it is reactivated for a short period, and by simply attending to it, observing it, without expressing it or repressing it, it allows its prompt disappearance.

For the first time in a long time I’m starting to feel consistently good, and for the first time it’s happening consciously and deliberately. The connection with pure intent that I was able to recover through the July PCE has been key. From time to time I have lost it. Sometimes for a couple of days. But it has worked for me to stop, and experience with full attentiveness everything that is happening to me emotionally, and then once again endorse my commitment to help myself free myself from all violence and thus be able to benefit each person for whom I feel affection, until I move to a greater plane and to be able to contemplate this for all humanity. I have noticed that it is useless to do it intellectually, or as if it were a spiritual mantra. It only helps to do it sincerely. To remember all the suffering and pain that I have experienced, or in which I have been a participant, even the cause, and the sincerity with which today I can say that I do not want even one millimeter more of all of it. On the contrary.

That clarity that arises from that sincerity reestablishes the connection. And also naivety.

Finally: since this weekend I have begun to understand more clearly what it means to decide how to feel, moment by moment (or when it is necessary to make a decision, since the consistency of feeling good, or excellent, etc. has been broken). .). I confess with all sincerity that until recently it seemed very difficult for me to understand or even accept this possibility. My tendency was rather that of a victim of circumstances. Feeling without agency at certain moments and in a negative sense (“the beer” is, in a positive sense, the disappearance of the “dooer’s” agency). This has begun to change significantly. Now I see and recognize that I do have that power, that decision is in my hands. Why not always decide to feel good, and beyond? It seems more and more absurd to me. And wonderful.

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Hi @Jesus.Carlos,

It is a pleasure to read your excellent progress report.

Jesus.Carlos: Although dismantling the political and activist identity is bringing enormous benefits, it has above all been the exploration of love that has brought the most. What I can say for now is that I have been replacing a way of relating to my partner based on compulsive attraction with a way based on sweetness and care (and this substitution has not been a forced decision, rather I would say that it has been the product of experience and sincere observation). I can recognize that this care has above all to do with not imposing my agenda on her and fully understanding that she is a human being with her own autonomy, desires and needs. It has helped me to remember Richard’s commitment to giving himself completely to someone else with the firm intention of managing to live in an absolutely peaceful, harmonious and beneficial way for both. I feel less and less compulsive, in fact there are already days or maybe weeks in which I do not experience again the level of anxiety that I felt before the PCE. From time to time it is reactivated for a short period, and by simply attending to it, observing it, without expressing it or repressing it, it allows its prompt disappearance.

Now that you recognize your partner as a fellow human being in her own right rather then as extension of your “compulsive attraction” which had automatically made you perceive her as your ‘possession’ being responsible, amongst other feelings, for all that anxiety you report. You are now able to experience more and more the delicious benefits of intimacy, which is vastly superior to the feelings of love it replaces. This intimacy can be deliberately increased with sincerity and naiveté and with sensuous attentiveness (see Grace’s scale of intimacy (link).

Jesus.Carlos: To remember all the suffering and pain that I have experienced, or in which I have been a participant, even the cause, and the sincerity with which today I can say that I do not want even one millimeter more of all of it. On the contrary.
That clarity that arises from that sincerity reestablishes the connection. And also naivety.

Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ had similar sympathy and compassion for the hardships and, sometimes overwhelming, suffering of human beings she observed in the news and could relate to from some of ‘her’ own emotional struggles. Towards the end this vital interest developed into “a caring as close to an actual caring as an identity can muster” (nowadays paraphrased as ‘near-actual-caring’) which facilitated ‘her’ self-immolation. Here is part of Richard’s summary of it:

[Richard]: 4. This moment-to-moment experiencing of a caring which is not self-centred/ self-centric provided ‘her’ with the experiential convincement that actualising such caring, via ‘self’-immolation, was the only solution to the human condition; this ‘hands-on’ understanding as a dynamically present feeling-being – an impressively distinct contrast to having been abeyant during PCE’s – left ‘her’ with absolutely no choice (lest ‘she’ be forever “rearranging the deck-chairs on the Titanic”).
5. Since a near-actual caring is, of course, epitomised by a vital interest in the suffering of all human beings coming to an end, forever, as a number one priority, then ‘her’ single-minded focus was essentially centred upon the most immediate way of ensuring this long-awaited global event could begin to take effect the soonest … to wit: bringing ‘her’ own inevitable demise, at physical death, forward into a liminal imminence.
6. Because the means ‘she’ elected to utilise towards these ends was the near-actual intimacy which goes hand-in-hand with a near-actual caring (per favour that afore-mentioned absence of self-centredness/ self-centricity which typifies being out-from-control) it is apposite to defer to what Vineeto herself wrote on the 20th of January 2010, only fifteen days after her pivotal moment/ definitive event, as its refreshingly simple directness speaks for itself.

Viz.: […]
[‘Vineeto’]:’ The final clue was again about caring, a caring as close to an actual caring as an identity can muster. Only when I cared enough to give all of ‘me’ to another person, to give them what they want most, was I then ready to give it to the one I cared for most, the one I was closest to, and then I was able to leave all remnant concerns and inhibitions of my identity behind.
And that’s what happened”. (link)

Jesus.Carlos: Finally: since this weekend I have begun to understand more clearly what it means to decide how to feel, moment by moment (or when it is necessary to make a decision, since the consistency of feeling good, or excellent, etc. has been broken). I confess with all sincerity that until recently it seemed very difficult for me to understand or even accept this possibility. My tendency was rather that of a victim of circumstances. Feeling without agency at certain moments and in a negative sense (“the beer” is, in a positive sense, the disappearance of the “dooer’s” agency). This has begun to change significantly. Now I see and recognize that I do have that power, that decision is in my hands. Why not always decide to feel good, and beyond? It seems more and more absurd to me. And wonderful.

This is really wonderful that you have recognized, and are actualizing, that how you feel is in your hands (and not due to some favourable or unfavourable event) and this enables you to feel good again each time after feeling/ good/feeling excellent slips below the line.

Such a delight to read, thank you.

Cheers Vineeto

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Yes I have been amazed by this recently too. It is truly this simple, everyone could be doing it, everyone should be doing it! And what a waste not to when it is freely available each moment again. And it is never not this moment which means that felicity is eternally available.

I remember Geoffrey mentioned this in the zoom chat, that it took him a long time to see this, but eventually he saw that all you have to do is enjoy and appreciate.
But even then I took this to be some ‘advanced thing’ to be seeing. Like if ‘I’ tick enough of those ‘actualist boxes’ then this new ability will be gifted to ‘me’.

But it is not like that at all, as @Vineeto wrote recently the method could be applied by Richard’s eight year old daughter. This one will be useful to bear in mind next time ‘I’ decide to make things sophisticated :laughing:

Now I have no doubt that self-immolation is equally as simple. The ‘difficulty’ in actualism is due to the fact that all that ‘I’ have learnt in ‘my’ life was an encumbrance. The ease in actualism is unlocked when one stops being sophisticated haha.

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Dear @Vineeto , thank you very much for your feedback, I really appreciate it a lot, and I read all your comments to the rest of the participants in this forum, because it is being very helpful to me in clarifying my doubts and giving me an increasingly stronger push towards the path to freedom. I found it very meaningful that you shared with me what the transformation of “sympathy and compassion for the…suffering of human beings” into ‘near-actual-caring’ was like for you towards the end. I have no doubt that my two more powerful aspirations/motivation forces are actual intimacy and actual care.

Today, after some years, I was watching again the DVD “out of control” and some phrases and moments really struck me:
16:30 “instead of living in the present… let the universe live your life… the entire universe could do a better job…”
25:35 (‘Vineeto’ tears of sweetness)
34:31 “…it is selfish to stay in the real world…awfully selfish…”

It was a boost to see this particular video again!

Golden @Kub933 !!

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JesusCarlos: Dear Vineeto , thank you very much for your feedback, I really appreciate it a lot, and I read all your comments to the rest of the participants in this forum, because it is being very helpful to me in clarifying my doubts and giving me an increasingly stronger push towards the path to freedom.

Dear @JesusCarlos,

Thank you for your positive feedback – I delighted how you can pick up clues to clear your doubts and help you enjoying and appreciating more and more and thus continue your journey towards your ultimate destiny.

JesusCarlos: I found it very meaningful that you shared with me what the transformation of “sympathy and compassion for the…suffering of human beings” into ‘near-actual-caring’ was like for you towards the end. I have no doubt that my two more powerful aspirations/ motivation forces are actual intimacy and actual care.

Yes, as Richard says – “This perpetual enjoyment and appreciation is facilitated by feeling as happy and as harmless as is humanly possible.” Harmless, i.e. being caring and considerate, is just as important as being happy – you cannot have one without the other. You cannot feel that you don’t care, shut yourself off or feel antagonism towards another and still feel happy. You can, upon recognition, channel the affective energy of feeling “sympathy and compassion for the … suffering of human beings” towards felicitous feelings by turning them into appreciation that there is now a solution, a possible end, because an actual freedom can deliver the goods, for ‘this body, that body and everybody’.

In ‘my’ spiritual years I had pushed away caring for humanity at large, there was just too much misery to bear and no solution. However, when I discovered actualism, there was a solution, not just for ‘me’ but eventually for everybody. And it naturally followed that ‘I’ dedicated my life to peace-on-earth, something ‘I’ had always secretly wished for but which always seemed impossible. It was such a joy and uplifting force to finally do something worthwhile with ‘my’ life. And it’s still my favourite topic.

JesusCarlos: Today, after some years, I was watching again the DVD “out of control” and some phrases and moments really struck me:
16:30 “instead of living in the present… let the universe live your life… the entire universe could do a better job…”
25:35 (‘Vineeto’ tears of sweetness)
34:31 “…it is selfish to stay in the real world…awfully selfish…”
It was a boost to see this particular video again!

I agree, there is a lot of delightful and useful information in that video, also about ‘nurture’ (I have watched it myself again a few months ago).

Kuba: The ‘difficulty’ in actualism is due to the fact that all that ‘I’ have learnt in ‘my’ life was an encumbrance. The ease in actualism is unlocked when one stops being sophisticated haha.

Golden Kub933 !!

Ha, and the opposite to being sophisticated is being naïve!

It is so much fun to discover and allow naiveté, to be like a child again (with adult sensibilities) and to more be like what you are rather than what (internalized) other people want you to be. I have it on good authority that remember to be naive can/will boost your baseline of feeling good to feeling excellent. It’s the opposite of stressing, telling yourself off or pushing hard – it’s being playful, liking yourself and others and enjoying and appreciation being here without any cause or condition, just enjoying being alive. (see also: A Quaint Clay-Pit Tale).

Cheers Vineeto

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On the way to my new job, I become aware that my body is tense, and then I reflect: “I am the one who is tense, not my body,” while I relax my muscles (making a shift in my affective behaviour) and once again I enjoy this moment of driving the car (It would have been better a bicycle, something more sensorial).

I remember the last Vipassana retreat I did (2019), 10 days, in which a guy sitting next to me shared his experience after 25 years of practice: “each time I sit, for several hours, the most I can, I see myself as a soldier with a flamethrower, burning all the impurities, of my being that have punished this body for many lives." I was terrified and that was when I finally realized that that was not my path.

Now I realize that at least he had a point: the body is not to blame, it is “I” who has subjected and punished it all this time. It is “I” who must disappear, abandon the throne, set it free. But the method was not correct, you cannot free the body by subjeting yourself to intense days, leaving it physically immobile, something not natural for this body made by this universe, to move and enjoy being aware of itself and everything that surrounds and stimulates it. The sensitive approach is that which consists of observing that which goes against this body, and that is “I”. So I make peace with myself and establish the commitment to be generous with this body, support of everything “I” am and true actual reality. I no longer need to relax my body, I need to relax the one who tenses it because he believes he has difficult missions to accomplish in this real world.

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JesusCarlos: I remember the last Vipassana retreat I did (2019), 10 days, in which a guy sitting next to me shared his experience after 25 years of practice: “each time I sit, for several hours, the most I can, I see myself as a soldier with a flamethrower, burning all the impurities, of my being that have punished this body for many lives.” I was terrified and that was when I finally realized that that was not my path.
Now I realize that at least he had a point: the body is not to blame, it is “I” who has subjected and punished it all this time.

Hi @JesusCarlos,

This is a great story and a valuable insight you took away with you when you gave up Vipassana for good.

JesusCarlos: It is “I” who must disappear, abandon the throne, set it free. But the method was not correct, you cannot free the body by subjecting yourself to intense days, leaving it physically immobile, something not natural for this body made by this universe, to move and enjoy being aware of itself and everything that surrounds and stimulates it.

Yes, it is ‘I’ who stands in the way of becoming actually free but it is also ‘me’ which stands in the way.

What the Vipassana doctrine means by ‘I’ is only one part, the ego, that “must disappear”, they leave the soul or capital-S ‘Self’ (‘me’, the instinctual passions) intact to continue to create its havoc. Therefore it’s no use to further extract or keep any ‘wisdom’ of what you may have osmotically (inadvertently) absorbed, rather make sure there is nothing of that nature lurking to confuse and lead astray. @Claudiu and @Kuba have a lot more experience with this topic and can warn you of its pitfalls.

The way to becoming actually free is to consciously and knowingly imitate the actual, which you have experienced in your PCEs. To do that ‘you’ set the minimum standard of experience for yourself: feeling good. If ‘you’ are not feeling good then ‘you’ have something to look at to find out why. This way attentiveness to the cause of diminished enjoyment and appreciation restores felicity and innocuity. In other words, you are being affectively attentive to those ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings, which prevent you from enjoying and appreciating each moment of being alive. Acknowledging that you are your feelings you can channel the affective energy into the felicitous feelings of delight, wonder, marvelling, enjoyment and appreciation to the point of activating naiveté where you like yourself and your fellow human beings and discover the fun of being alive.

Sometimes you might have to do a closer inspection to one or the other of your ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings when they prove to be more than habitual but rather sticky because of a passionate belief or a persistent adherence.

JesusCarlos: So I make peace with myself and establish the commitment to be generous with this body, support of everything “I” am and true actual reality.

Just for clarification – the above description of the actualism method is not to “support of everything “I” am” because that would mean you want to support your ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings, which only strengthen your ‘self’ and keep it in existence.

To “be generous with this body” doesn’t make much sense to me – when you take care of your affective moods your body benefits automatically. What is beneficial is to be a friend to yourself and not blame yourself for what you discover about yourself.

Also, there is no such thing as *“*true actual reality ” –

RICHARD: […] I get to comprehend what you mean by ‘actual reality’ each time you write … it is a good description and I may borrow it, if I may, when writing to others about settling for second-best. [emphasis added].
Editorial note: there can be no such thing as ‘actual reality’ in the actual world]. (AF List, No. 12a, 1 Feb 1999).

RESPONDENT: 2. Actual reality (second best as you call it). We are identified as a witness to the world of thoughts, emotions, feelings, instincts, etc. We can be ruthless and loving without feeling identified with either action. We experience bliss whenever we become a witness. Everything is happening to us. We are being pulled and pushed around by our heart.
RICHARD: Yes, well said. The term ‘actual reality’ is No. 12’s phrase by which I understand was meant what is really going on ‘within’ as compared with the facade or image one socially presents to others … and fools oneself into believing. Such observation is useful as a preliminary step in one’s journey into one’s psyche – which is the human psyche – but to remain ‘being authentic’ is to remain a ‘sannyasin’ forever. Unless this inner reality is expunged, all the wars and rapes and murders and tortures and domestic violence and child abuse and sadness and loneliness and grief and depression and suicide will continue for ever and a day.
To become the spiritual ‘witness’ is to have arbitrarily selected a certain bundle of tender feelings, chopped them off from the rest of the surging flow of savage feelings and – by calling this bundle ‘Intelligence’ – to eventually realise oneself to be the unitive and centreless ontological entity (called ‘God’ by any other name) swimming in the ‘Ocean Of Oneness’ … unborn and undying; birthless and deathless; timeless and spaceless; formless and ceaseless; immortal and immutable. Yet, unbeknown to those who perform this prestidigitation, to be divinity is to be cacodemonic … diabolical in the sense that the savage feelings are kept subliminally alive. [emphasis added]. (AF List, No. 7, 18 Feb 1999).

See, how your own term “true actual reality” fits in with Respondent No. 12’s spiritual adherence in the above conversations?

‘Reality’ is an actualist term for the real world, the world where ‘I’ and ‘me’ reign supreme, and there is nothing actual about the real world of feelings and beliefs. Those two worlds never meet because no identity can ever experience the actual world. You only get to experience the actual world when the identity is in abeyance.

JesusCarlos: I no longer need to relax my body, I need to relax the one who tenses it because he believes he has difficult missions to accomplish in this real world.

I suggest you not only “relax the one who tenses it” but find out exactly is the cause for the tension, which is an affective cause. Be curious, be investigative, be persistent, until you discover the emotional cause of the tension, and from there you have a choice to decline being upset, tense, anxious, worried or sad. It is eminently possible to decline each and every ‘good’ and ‘bad’ emotion but there is more to it than “relax the one who tenses it”. Sitting back and relaxing happens after you have done the homework. :blush:

Cheers Vineeto

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Thank you @Vineeto ! Got it.

Not only did I express my ideas wrongly, but, as you say, I wasn’t looking at the problem correctly. It makes total sense to me what you suggest I rectify. I need to go deeper into my research to detect what exactly is the cause of my stress and anxiety. I know it’s me, both as an ego and a soul. But more than knowing it intellectually I need to see it experientially. Now I can see that I lost the connection with pure intent and I am simply operating from the old habits that I already know and are useful to me to defend myself in the jungle.

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I’ll be extra careful with this!

As I am navigating in an extremely aggressive territory, I think that just these feelings are more active than before, and I am not recognizing them enough. They are doubly dangerous because they can feel like good feelings, because they serve to magnify me and give me strength, when “I need it most” because I perceive threats from others. But that’s not being harmless and considerate. Now I can see more clearly what is happening to me (or rather: what I’m doing).

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The need to relax the body / take care of the body is in itself a red light that something is already going awry.

It means that ‘I’ have missed the preceding steps, and now ‘I’ am dealing with the symptom and not the cause.

It’s fascinating how the body is easily able to remain in a state of well being when ‘I’ am not messing things up.

And how there are countless methods and techniques which aim to continually mop up these symptoms whilst ‘my’ involvement remains hidden.

Let’s remember that the cause of stress is ‘me’, this can easily be observed in a PCE where all of a sudden this incredible ‘weight’ is magically shifted.

It does take naiveté to consider that all these ‘tried and true’ methods of relaxing, meditation, dietary restriction, exercise etc are not needed to keep the body in a state of well being. It is actually the other way around, it is seeing the damage that ‘I’ continually inflict and with ‘me’ progressively out of the way there is just no need for these methods.

I can confirm that even in virtual freedom there is virtually no stress, and therefore well being seems to be automatically / effortlessly maintained. Of course there is still illnesses etc but even then experiencing these events with virtually no stress is a whole different ball game.

I do remember in the past it was almost as if ‘my’ body was infused with an ‘illness’, and of course the causes of this ‘illness’ end up being projected into anything and everything, rather than being recognised as ‘my’ doing.

In fact this reminds me of Peter’s ending remarks in the Virtual freedom DVD, when he went to the doctor who presented him with all the latest fashionable ways of ‘remaining healthy’ and he said that he has already done the best he can to remain healthy, he has got rid of stress! :smiley:

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Vineeto: To “be generous with this body” doesn’t make much sense to me – when you take care of your affective moods your body benefits automatically. What is beneficial is to be a friend to yourself and not blame yourself for what you discover about yourself.
Also, there is no such thing as *“*true actual reality ” –

JesusCarlos: Thank you Vineeto ! Got it.
Not only did I express my ideas wrongly, but, as you say, I wasn’t looking at the problem correctly. It makes total sense to me what you suggest I rectify. I need to go deeper into my research to detect what exactly is the cause of my stress and anxiety. I know it’s me, both as an ego and a soul. But more than knowing it intellectually I need to see it experientially. Now I can see that I lost the connection with pure intent and I am simply operating from the old habits that I already know and are useful to me to defend myself in the jungle.

Hi JesusCarlos,

You are right, intellectually knowing is not enough, you need to understand how your mind, i.e. your feelings and being, ticks. Again, the actualism method is of great help – paying ongoing affective attention to how you experience yourself informs you what diminished feeling good. You find what triggered this diminishment and get back to feeling good. Then you have a look at the problem.

It may just be a habitual response and will disappear when you decide to decline to go along with it. In the long run none of those “old habits” “are useful to me to defend myself in the jungle” because they only perpetuate the conflict and therefore you are feeling worried and stressful. Remember that by acknowledging that you are your feelings to are able to change how you feel.

Or you find that it is a more complex pattern, then you nut out why you consider the world a jungle, why you feel that you have to protect/ defend yourself, in other words protect /defend the feeling being inside your flesh-and-blood body, thereby harming it by stress.

For instance, you can ponder/ feel out if resentment plays a part, like Claudiu discovered (link). The other helpful thing to keep in mind is to be a friend to yourself and don’t blame yourself for anything you might discover in the depth of your psyche – it’s all par for the course since we all do this business of being alive for the first time.

Cheers Vineeto

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