Perhaps what you describe is one of the aspects that has cost me the most to be able to advance on the wondrous path. I have a very demanding job, where many people depend on my decisions, in a very competitive political environment, with dirty wars often occurring. Therefore my personality has become defensive and at certain times, when stress reigns, aggressive. From 2019 to date I have been dismantling that way of being and putting into practice another way of solving the urban problems of public administration. I notice how more and more my colleagues value and recognize my way of being as highly equanimous, peaceful, cheerful and patient. Something that is particularly valued in high moments of conflict. However, I know that many times I repress emotions to stay calm and that is not the best. This year in particular I have managed to avoid that mechanism and keep my hands in my pockets allowing all kind of emotions to emerge.
A moment of strong change in laboral terms is coming and perhaps new, more difficult responsibilities will be delegated to me. I feel a little nervous about it, because I don’t want to lose what “I have advanced” and at the same time I realize that there is nothing to lose, since “what is advanced” has consisted of “ceasing to be” something that will no longer return. The only thing left is to continue dismantling and definitively release the last bits of control, at some point, to allow this body to take complete charge of itself and whatever life presents to it.
Furthermore, the last PCE has given me all the confidence I needed to continue doing it. A permanent task is to remember it and thus recover, every time it is lost, the pure intent connection.