I think the answer that I am finding after all this is that “I” was trying to see the silliness of something other than “me”. Like I am trying to very subtly change the target away from what “I” am doing/being, which means that everything that builds on top of that fails.
I was doing it in a very subtle way and using all the right words and terminology with myself, but somehow it was all pointed outwards still. It was pointing towards thoughts and feelings instead of towards myself. Just telling myself “I am my feelings and my feelings are me” doesn’t do anything of course… I have to actually direct it towards “me”.
It’s not genuine confusion about the method that gets me there, it’s just that “I” am always looking for clever ways to subtly get out of the spotlight and perform some version of the method that is changing something other than myself.
I have success → I grasp the success as my achievement → I try to reproduce the success from the plan that I have developed for how I deal with feelings → this plan is what makes me superior to everyone
Adam-H: Thanks for sticking with me Vineeto.
I think the answer that I am finding after all this is that “I” was trying to see the silliness of something other than “me”. Like I am trying to very subtly change the target away from what “I” am doing/being, which means that everything that builds on top of that fails.
I was doing it in a very subtle way and using all the right words and terminology with myself, but somehow it was all pointed outwards still. It was pointing towards thoughts and feelings instead of towards myself. Just telling myself “I am my feelings and my feelings are me” doesn’t do anything of course… I have to actually direct it towards “me”.
It’s not genuine confusion about the method that gets me there, it’s just that “I” am always looking for clever ways to subtly get out of the spotlight and perform some version of the method that is changing something other than myself.
I have success → I grasp the success as my achievement → I try to reproduce the success from the plan that I have developed for how I deal with feelings → this plan is what makes me superior to everyone. (link)
Hi Adam,
That’s a good observation of the identity in action.
Now, that you discovered (one of) your cunning ways, which derail your enjoyment and appreciation of this moment of being alive, and before you further generalize what you “always” do “to subtly get out of the spotlight” – the immediate question is what are you going to do in the present situation? What is the possible actualisation of this realisation? Has this realisation enabled you to get back to feeling good and drop the prolonged action of worrying?
Here are two hints, which proved successful for the persons concerned – the first I sent to you on 26 June 2026 –
Respondent:a) I am not able to see the silliness of feeling bad … Richard: Do you comprehend that, although the past was actual when it was happening, it is not actual now and that, although the future will be actual when it does happen, it is not actual now … that only this moment is actual? If so, do you further comprehend that anytime you felt good/ will feel good does not mean a thing if you are not feeling good now … that a remembered occasion/ an anticipated occasion pales into insignificance if you are feeling bad now? Furthermore, do you understand that to be living this moment – the only moment you are ever alive – by feeling bad is to be frittering away a vital opportunity to be fully alive … to totally enjoy and appreciate being what you indubitably are (a sensate creature) whilst you are here on this planet? If so, is it not silly to waste this only moment you are ever alive by feeling bad … when you could be feeling good?
(snip) Respondent:Thanks Richard, this was great. I am working on it, and there is great success already i.e. I now see the silliness of feeling bad. (see Richard, AF List, No. 71, 15 Aug 2004).
The second is a message from Kuba sent yesterday –
Kuba: Whereas today when a worry came up it was the recognition that I am wasting this moment of being alive by ‘being’ worry, which cut right through it. I never saw it from that angle, that it is that very activity of worrying which is getting in the way of enjoying and appreciating this (only) moment of being alive. And in the past I have tangled myself in some knots to try to end a worry by going into it and ruminating about it, essentially trying to end worry by worrying about it. But it was exactly that recognition that it is this moment of being alive which was the anchor for all this to work so effortlessly.
So indeed it is like turning my brain upside down. (29 June 2026).
They both refer what is spelt out in the first sentence in Richard’s article “This Moment of Being Alive”, but one sometimes needs to read it again and again to fully grasp the actual meaning and significance of “this very moment which is happening now is your only moment of being alive”.
It has enabled me too yes. I noticed today during my lunch break at work that my mind was very clear and enjoying my surroundings while going for a walk came effortlessly, where recently I’d been repeatedly returning to worrying about various problems and challenges. Unlike my previous attempts to stop worrying, this feeling good went ‘all the way down’ instead of a pseudo-feeling good sitting on top of a layer of uneasiness.
In this case the key was that since I am looking at how I am ‘being’ instead of targeting ‘feelings’ as something outside of “me” the potential reward was much higher. Basically the ‘upside’ of not worrying was much higher because it was a holistic genuine feeling good that was on the table. The ‘this is my only moment’ was higher stakes since there was something more valuable I was aiming at.
I think that the non-genuine feeling good I was targeting previously was also harder to reconcile with doing my job well, where as the genuine feeling good didn’t seem in conflict, which is something I am going to keep looking at going forward.
That is good to hear. When weighing up the “potential reward” of “not worrying” versus the downside of worrying this assessment only ‘tipped the scale’ after you discovered the faux ‘feeling good’, manufactured by the identity, which was not “something more valuable” compared to keeping up the worry. That in itself can give you the vital clue next time around.
To put it differently, the actualism method is to activate the intent outside of ‘you’, the identity, via the realisation, if not via experience, that ‘this is my only moment of being alive’, and then your cost-reward equation makes sense – nothing, but nothing, is worth wasting this precious moment of being alive.
Richard: In other words, the focus is upon how the identity in toto is standing in the way of the already always existing peace-on-earth being apparent just here right now. (Richard, AF List, No. 68c, 31 May 2005).
Adam-H: I think that the non-genuine feeling good I was targeting previously was also harder to reconcile with doing my job well, whereas the genuine feeling good didn’t seem in conflict, which is something I am going to keep looking at going forward. (link)
Good. That will also give you the clue to recognizing a ‘so-so feeling good’ as being not genuine should it ever occur again. Can you see now that when genuinely feeling good even handling the challenges in your job, and in life in general, will be fun to master with the ongoing awareness/ remembrance that now is my only moment of being alive?
I’ve spent some time thinking about this, so let me know if I’ve got it right.
The faux feeling good - which in this case was manufactured by an faux-actualist morality - is very different from real feeling good. Real feeling good is inherently self-diminishing, for me to simply enjoy being here is a ‘concession’ on my part. Normally I want to frame things such that I am responsible for what is good and the outside world is responsible for what’s bad. This plays out when I think of actualism practice as something that separates me and puts me ‘above’ others as I’ve talked about before. Experientially it’s all quite opposite to enjoying being here, naivete, sincerity etc.
So that real feeling good comes from an intent outside of me - the intent being the essential character of the universe, its benignity. That intent is something I ‘concede’ to when I genuinely enjoy being here, enjoy the world instead of laude myself in how I have risen above it in some way.
The fact of this being my only moment of being alive raises the stakes in that this is my only opportunity to concede to the essential character of the universe. I have been experiencing this as a draw, and the point about ‘something outside myself’ is something that I am no longer putting off as ‘too advanced’, right now it feels more like a necessity to proceeding in the right direction.
I have been seeing this yes, although it is largely due to ensuring that my ‘target’ in my actualism practice is truly me, how I am being. Me and my feelings is more clearly a ‘parallel’ process to doing my job. I might feel this or that way about it but I ultimately end up doing mostly the same things.
I think before I was putting the ‘target’ of my practice subtly on things that were closer to behaviors and appearances (including thoughts) that seemed opposed to actualism.
For example, by letting it guide me towards a goal of thinking less about my work, having ‘boundaries’ about my job because that would be more actualist as opposed to working too hard etc. Not to say that I don’t presently have any boundaries about my work, just that it’s clear to me I can be happy and harmless and do whatever is appropriate to the situation without setting up a new moral about it to counter my old set of morals about working hard I picked up as a kid.
Vineeto: That is good to hear. When weighing up the “potential reward” of “not worrying” versus the downside of worrying this assessment only ‘tipped the scale’ after you discovered the faux ‘feeling good’, manufactured by the identity, which was not “something more valuable” compared to keeping up the worry. That in itself can give you the vital clue next time around.
To put it differently, the actualism method is to activate the intent outside of ‘you’, the identity, via the realisation, if not via experience, that ‘this is my only moment of being alive’, and then your cost-reward equation makes sense – nothing, but nothing, is worth wasting this precious moment of being alive.
Adam-H: I’ve spent some time thinking about this, so let me know if I’ve got it right.
The faux feeling good – which in this case was manufactured by an faux-actualist morality – is very different from real feeling good. Real feeling good is inherently self-diminishing, for me to simply enjoy being here is a ‘concession’ on my part. Normally I want to frame things such that I am responsible for what is good and the outside world is responsible for what’s bad. This plays out when I think of actualism practice as something that separates me and puts me ‘above’ others as I’ve talked about before. Experientially it’s all quite opposite to enjoying being here, naivete, sincerity etc.
Hi Adam,
That’s right. It might be easier to call the “faux feeling good” a ‘good’ feeling, one that gives ‘you’ credit for being virtuous and superior to others. It’s indeed just as much in the way of “enjoying being here, naivete, sincerity”. Now that you uncovered this particular ‘bubble’, it will be easier to be in a good mood, sincere and naïve.
Adam-H: So that real feeling good comes from an intent outside of me – the intent being the essential character of the universe, its benignity. That intent is something I ‘concede’ to when I genuinely enjoy being here, enjoy the world instead of laude myself in how I have risen above it in some way.
Once you discover and experientially confirm that genuinely feeling good is eminently enjoyable, is it still a ‘concession’ to give up the self-congratulatory feeling, which is in the way of experiencing the benignity and benevolence of feeling good/ feeling excellent? Rather than being a reluctant sacrifice (“concede”), wouldn’t you agree that it is simply common sense to do so. Else you might be tempted to feel virtuous for having ‘conceded’.
Vineeto: The fact of this being my only moment of being alive raises the stakes in that this is my only opportunity to concede to the essential character of the universe. I have been experiencing this as a draw, and the point about ‘something outside myself’ is something that I am no longer putting off as ‘too advanced’, right now it feels more like a necessity to proceeding in the right direction.
Can you see now that when genuinely feeling good even handling the challenges in your job, and in life in general, will be fun to master with the ongoing awareness/ remembrance that now is my only moment of being alive?
Adam-H: I have been seeing this yes, although it is largely due to ensuring that my ‘target’ in my actualism practice is truly me, how I am being. Me and my feelings is more clearly a ‘parallel’ process to doing my job. I might feel this or that way about it but I ultimately end up doing mostly the same things.
I think before I was putting the ‘target’ of my practice subtly on things that were closer to behaviors and appearances (including thoughts) that seemed opposed to actualism.
Isn’t being stressed or worried in your job not as equally “opposed to actualism”, i.e. opposed to enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive? Actualism works best in the marketplace and that means in every area of your daily life. For instance, Chrono wrote in his post yesterday–
Chrono: Also more often I wake up even on a work day that it does not feel like a work day. On a work day the same places can feel different. As if it is a chore and a drag. I feel out the entire day and all the things that I must do. But it doesn’t feel like that at all. The “periphery” was as if I was going out to play. (link)
Isn’t your aim to be in a good mood throughout the day, and become aware of any obstacle to that aim? It is possible.
Adam-H: For example, by letting it guide me towards a goal of thinking less about my work, having ‘boundaries’ about my job because that would be more actualist as opposed to working too hard etc. Not to say that I don’t presently have any boundaries about my work, just that it’s clear to me I can be happy and harmless and do whatever is appropriate to the situation without setting up a new moral about it to counter my old set of morals about working hard I picked up as a kid. (link)
You seem to have made it more complicated and hard work by having set up boundaries and invented rules and moralities which are simply not there. It’s good to become aware of it. What will effectively “counter” the “old set of morals” is pure intent (that which is outside of ‘you’) –
Richard: Pure intent is not to be confused with being a “do-gooder”, or being full of “righteousness”, or being “moralistic”. Pure intent is the quality that encompasses what morals and ethics aspire to but never reach. ‘Good’ fails to reach its desired goal because it opposes ‘Bad’ … the fight between Good and Evil has raged for centuries. Pure intent enables one to be liberated from both Good and Evil. (Richard’s Journal, p. 39, Article Four).
Yes, if it feels reluctant then I am probably ‘splitting’ myself again. The thing that I am ‘conceding’ ultimately is that the enjoyment, benevolence, and benignity is something I don’t get to take credit for.
At the moment, I don’t feel reluctant about it, because it is clearly the only thing that can deliver lasting peace and enjoyment. The fact that it is not something I can take credit for is proving to be a relief when I allow it. I think because it isn’t something I have to sustain with effort, and it isn’t something that separates me with others but actually encourages me to be interested in having fun with them.
Yes, this is certainly what I am going for. My aims in the recent past were contaminated with the desire to be a ‘good actualist’, which is just another way of desiring status and recognition etc. It’s not that I am lowering my sights, just refining my intent and approach to be the actualism method instead of an actualist morality.
I’ve been reflecting on what you wrote a few messages back:
It has been good to reflect on the sincerity of my intent. The enormity of aiming for actually and enjoying life as it is and people as they are is really hitting me. It is clear to me that for years my intent has been mixed with the desire to be someone who enjoys and appreciates life as it is, because of how incredible that achievement is and how great that would make me. It would make me great to actualists sure, but also to non-actualists for surely they will sense how special I am!
Maybe only 20% of my effort over all this time has actually gone to genuinely enjoying life as it is for its own sake and as its own reward. Over the weekend I experienced a very clear example of this playing out:
I was hanging out with some not-so-close friends watching the world cup, feeling genuinely happy and harmless and having a good time. Conversation was flowing freely and intimately, and I was being a much better than normal party guest. It started creeping into the back of my mind that ‘I had done it’ I had finally figured it out and I was able to be effortlessly intimate with people I didn’t know well. The experience itself was lovely but even more important to me was that now I was finally well on the way to becoming this ‘special person’ who would get all the recognition I had longed for.
Someone made a joke to me and looked at me in the eyes, and I was suddenly taken aback, because it was clear to me that they were seeing me as just like them, we were intimate and communicating as equals. This is not what I wanted it turned out! I would only be satisfied if they were admiring me, my jokes, my way of being etc.
The intimate lovely atmosphere was broken then, and although I laughed to keep up appearances I was suddenly self-conscious again and gradually withdrew and stopped interacting as actively. Over the next 30 minutes or so the importance of what I had lost dawned on me, and it was so clear in that moment that there’s really no way to have my cake and eat it too. If I want that spontaneity, carefreeness, and intimacy, I simply can’t harbor my ‘dreams of greatness.’ I can’t practice to be ‘above’ others, if anything I am practicing to be ‘equal’ to others.
It was also clear that I really don’t want to be above others, I want that equity and intimacy even though it is scary in a way. It’s not a morality telling me that I should be aiming for equity and intimacy, it’s just clear seeing that it is what I actually want.
Vineeto: Once you discover and experientially confirm that genuinely feeling good is eminently enjoyable, is it still a ‘concession’ to give up the self-congratulatory feeling, which is in the way of experiencing the benignity and benevolence of feeling good/ feeling excellent? Rather than being a reluctant sacrifice (“concede”), wouldn’t you agree that it is simply common sense to do so. Else you might be tempted to feel virtuous for having ‘conceded’.
Adam-H: Yes, if it feels reluctant then I am probably ‘splitting’ myself again. The thing that I am ‘conceding’ ultimately is that the enjoyment, benevolence, and benignity is something I don’t get to take credit for.
Hi Adam,
Indeed, you are splitting yourself into what you instinctually want – being ‘special’ in order to be admired (as you detailed below) and being able to effortlessly experience “enjoyment, benevolence, and benignity” when ‘I’ agree to diminishing ‘my’ dominance.
Are you able to remember a PCE where it is unequivocably obvious that when there is no identity at all (because ‘I’ am in abeyance) life is perfect, pure and magical? If you could, it would make it much easier to choosing the Third Alternative when in doubt –
Richard: … the whole point of activating the third alternative to either feeling powerless or feeling powerful – i.e., feeling harmless/ innocuous (as distinct from turn-the-other-cheek pacifistic behaviour) – is to dynamically defuse that entire power-structure/ power-battle way of life, which is so endemic in the animal realm, and thereby actively enable intimacy. (Richard, List D, Claudiu, 14 Jan 2016).
Adam-H: At the moment, I don’t feel reluctant about it, because it is clearly the only thing that can deliver lasting peace and enjoyment. The fact that it is not something I can take credit for is proving to be a relief when I allow it. I think because it isn’t something I have to sustain with effort, and it isn’t something that separates me with others but actually encourages me to be interested in having fun with them.
The intent for “lasting peace and enjoyment” coupled with the insight that “it is not something I can take credit for” is something worth remembering each time you find yourself drawn to be something ‘special’.
Vineeto: Isn’t your aim to be in a good mood throughout the day, and become aware of any obstacle to that aim? It is possible.
Adam-H: Yes, this is certainly what I am going for. My aims in the recent past were contaminated with the desire to be a ‘good actualist’, which is just another way of desiring status and recognition etc. It’s not that I am lowering my sights, just refining my intent and approach to be the actualism method instead of an actualist morality.
I’ve been reflecting on what you wrote a few messages back:
Vineeto: Perhaps this correspondence on the Direct Route can give you some idea of the scope how ‘not normal’ your intent to be happy and harmless really is –
It has been good to reflect on the sincerity of my intent. The enormity of aiming for actually and enjoying life as it is and people as they are is really hitting me. It is clear to me that for years my intent has been mixed with the desire to be someone who enjoys and appreciates life as it is, because of how incredible that achievement is and how great that would make me. It would make me great to actualists sure, but also to non-actualists for surely they will sense how special I am!
Maybe only 20% of my effort over all this time has actually gone to genuinely enjoying life as it is for its own sake and as its own reward. Over the weekend I experienced a very clear example of this playing out:
I was hanging out with some not-so-close friends watching the world cup, feeling genuinely happy and harmless and having a good time. Conversation was flowing freely and intimately, and I was being a much better than normal party guest. It started creeping into the back of my mind that ‘I had done it’ I had finally figured it out and I was able to be effortlessly intimate with people I didn’t know well. The experience itself was lovely but even more important to me was that now I was finally well on the way to becoming this ‘special person’ who would get all the recognition I had longed for.
You recognised, didn’t you, that at that moment where ‘you’ took credit to be a “special person” being “effortlessly intimate with people” the “intimate lovely atmosphere” ceased being effortless and became synthetic and ‘self’-centric?
Adam-H: Someone made a joke to me and looked at me in the eyes, and I was suddenly taken aback, because it was clear to me that they were seeing me as just like them, we were intimate and communicating as equals. This is not what I wanted it turned out! I would only be satisfied if they were admiring me, my jokes, my way of being etc.
The intimate lovely atmosphere was broken then, and although I laughed to keep up appearances I was suddenly self-conscious again and gradually withdrew and stopped interacting as actively. Over the next 30 minutes or so the importance of what I had lost dawned on me, and it was so clear in that moment that there’s really no way to have my cake and eat it too. If I want that spontaneity, carefreeness, and intimacy, I simply can’t harbor my ‘dreams of greatness.’ I can’t practice to be ‘above’ others, if anything I am practicing to be ‘equal’ to others.
Good to recognize clearly, as an irrefutable fact, that “there’s really no way to have my cake and eat it too” – as such you cannot ‘practice’ to “be equal to others”, you can only get out of the way wanting to be superior, ‘special’, admired, simply by seeing how silly that is. Here is something I quoted to Chrono recently (24 Jun 2026), it might be of help to you as well –
Richard: The esteemed goal within each group is to reach for the leadership. There lies, seemingly, more power, more love, more acceptance and more individuality. There, it appears, ‘I’ can finally be myself. Supremacy, be it found in Spiritual Enlightenment, Religious Illumination, Mystical Union, or Philosophical Truth, is the Ultimate goal of the largest group within humankind: the Metaphysical Group. The Master, the Saint, and the Sage have all achieved the rewards of leadership: power over others, loving worship, fame and adulation … and, quite often, wealth. Their sense of identity has fully expanded into identifying as a Divine Self. (…)
The cause of loneliness and aloneness is not, as is commonly believed, alienation from others. The single reason for being alone and lonely is from not being me as-I-am. By not being me, but being, instead, an identity, ‘I’ am doomed to perpetual loneliness and aloneness. ‘I’ am fated to ever pursue an elusive Someone or Something that will fill that aching void. When I am me, there is no void. By being me as-I-am, I have no need for others; hence I also have no need to place the burden upon them to fulfil that what was lacking. (Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Ten).
Adam-H: It was also clear that I really don’t want to be above others, I want that equity and intimacy even though it is scary in a way. It’s not a morality telling me that I should be aiming for equity and intimacy, it’s just clear seeing that it is what I actually want. (link)
Excellent – and the way to be that is to allow more and more naiveté to come to the fore (which is the “scary” bit at first). One you get the knack and experience how well it works and how much you enjoy being naïve, you’ll allow it more and more.
Yes, I was able to see the silliness of it eventually in a very crystal clear way that restored feeling good. Basically ‘I’ started allowing things to happen outside of my control and harmony and intimacy flourished, ‘I’ saw this and came back to the forefront and ‘took a bow’ for what was only enabled by me stepping back, and then the harmony and intimacy rapidly diminished.
I think I might put some more effort into remembering childhood PCEs this week. When things are going well, I do find that they start coming to mind unbidden, but rarely are clear enough to be ‘undeniable’. I find that in general I don’t have a great memory and people who know me often confirm this .
The one that I experienced as an adult was while taking MDMA, and I tried to use it as a ‘lodestone’ for a while but it didn’t seem to transform my practice much at the time. I generally aim for a ‘naive rememberence’ of the most recent EE/IE and that typically seems more powerful than casting back to childhood or to the MDMA experience which was quite a few years ago now.
I keep noticing how there is this tendency for me to start ‘narrating’ whats happening in my own life. Whether things are going well or going poorly I start to describe to myself what is happening, what I am learning, and then projecting out to where it is going. It seems to go from feeling good → good feelings with self-congratulatory narration → bad feelings with self-pitying narration.
The pattern is playing out repeatedly on a daily basis for me right now. Either I’m just noticing it more or the cycle has become ‘tighter’ than it used to be. I’m consistently spending at least a little bit of time in a naive state that I am enjoying for its own sake and not as fuel for my pride. But I can see plainly that my intentions are mixed and that I am not sure if I want to be naive for its own sake if it means I can’t get that self-congratulatory narrative out of the deal.
Perhaps what can make a difference is seeing the fact that there really is nothing to congratulate myself for, seeing that all of the purity comes when I get out of the way. It makes it much clearer that the self-congratulation is silly.
The theme of the last week for me has been pure intent, things have been going quite well. Spurred initially by Vineeto’s comment from about 1 month ago:
I was seeking the intent that comes from outside of me and was able to start locating it via rememorating childhood PCEs and rereading descriptions of others’ PCEs (especially some of Richard’s descriptions in tooltips on his personal page).
Another factor was simply recognizing the insincerity of my intentions especially my desire to turn actualism into something self-aggrandizing. Contemplating what it would mean and what it would be like to genuinely desire happy and harmlessness for their own sake helped me understand how this intent could really only come from outside of me since it is so opposite to my self-sustaining nature.
I’ve also been finding that rereading accounts of self-immolation helps to get me in touch with pure intent. I certainly am not in touch with it all the time but there have been periods of time where I was over the last couple of days especially, and so I am going to see if I can stay with it for longer and longer. I also got a lot out of rereading this article on Srinath’s site along with all the other articles of his.
This is good news. Whenever you discover insincerity in yourself (self-aggrandisement often being a contributing factor) and then act on this insight by going in the other direction – being more honest and sincere with yourself – you take another step away from the “self-sustaining nature” of ‘me’ and open the doors to be more genuinely happy and harmless. It allows you to recognize that the actual world is already always here, it doesn’t have to be fabricated, it is already existing.
Adam-H: I’ve also been finding that rereading accounts of self-immolation helps to get me in touch with pure intent. I certainly am not in touch with it all the time but there have been periods of time where I was over the last couple of days especially, and so I am going to see if I can stay with it for longer and longer. I also got a lot out of rereading this article on Srinath’s site along with all the other articles of his.
Pure intent is not only to be in touch with wanting to be more happy and harmless, it can also enable a new source of wide-eyed wonder and amazement and unconditional joie de vivre, which may have been overlooked when too seriously trying to be a ‘good actualist’.
