Thanks for sticking with me Vineeto.
I think the answer that I am finding after all this is that “I” was trying to see the silliness of something other than “me”. Like I am trying to very subtly change the target away from what “I” am doing/being, which means that everything that builds on top of that fails.
I was doing it in a very subtle way and using all the right words and terminology with myself, but somehow it was all pointed outwards still. It was pointing towards thoughts and feelings instead of towards myself. Just telling myself “I am my feelings and my feelings are me” doesn’t do anything of course… I have to actually direct it towards “me”.
It’s not genuine confusion about the method that gets me there, it’s just that “I” am always looking for clever ways to subtly get out of the spotlight and perform some version of the method that is changing something other than myself.
I have success → I grasp the success as my achievement → I try to reproduce the success from the plan that I have developed for how I deal with feelings → this plan is what makes me superior to everyone 