Hunterad's journal

[hunterad]

@Vineeto

That is good to hear. When weighing up the “potential reward” of “not worrying” versus the downside of worrying this assessment only ‘tipped the scale’ after you discovered the faux ‘feeling good’, manufactured by the identity, which was not “something more valuable” compared to keeping up the worry. That in itself can give you the vital clue next time around.

To put it differently, the actualism method is to activate the intent outside of ‘you’, the identity, via the realisation, if not via experience, that ‘this is my only moment of being alive’, and then your cost-reward equation makes sense – nothing, but nothing, is worth wasting this precious moment of being alive.

I’ve spent some time thinking about this, so let me know if I’ve got it right.

The faux feeling good - which in this case was manufactured by an faux-actualist morality - is very different from real feeling good. Real feeling good is inherently self-diminishing, for me to simply enjoy being here is a ‘concession’ on my part. Normally I want to frame things such that I am responsible for what is good and the outside world is responsible for what’s bad. This plays out when I think of actualism practice as something that separates me and puts me ‘above’ others as I’ve talked about before. Experientially it’s all quite opposite to enjoying being here, naivete, sincerity etc.

So that real feeling good comes from an intent outside of me - the intent being the essential character of the universe, its benignity. That intent is something I ‘concede’ to when I genuinely enjoy being here, enjoy the world instead of laude myself in how I have risen above it in some way.

The fact of this being my only moment of being alive raises the stakes in that this is my only opportunity to concede to the essential character of the universe. I have been experiencing this as a draw, and the point about ‘something outside myself’ is something that I am no longer putting off as ‘too advanced’, right now it feels more like a necessity to proceeding in the right direction.

@Vineeto

Can you see now that when genuinely feeling good even handling the challenges in your job, and in life in general, will be fun to master with the ongoing awareness/ remembrance that now is my only moment of being alive?

I have been seeing this yes, although it is largely due to ensuring that my ‘target’ in my actualism practice is truly me, how I am being. Me and my feelings is more clearly a ‘parallel’ process to doing my job. I might feel this or that way about it but I ultimately end up doing mostly the same things.

I think before I was putting the ‘target’ of my practice subtly on things that were closer to behaviors and appearances (including thoughts) that seemed opposed to actualism.

For example, by letting it guide me towards a goal of thinking less about my work, having ‘boundaries’ about my job because that would be more actualist as opposed to working too hard etc. Not to say that I don’t presently have any boundaries about my work, just that it’s clear to me I can be happy and harmless and do whatever is appropriate to the situation without setting up a new moral about it to counter my old set of morals about working hard I picked up as a kid.