Claudiu's Journal

I understand what needs to be done. Evidently there is something I don’t understand about how to do it.

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I realized that anything I fear may happen, the thing I am fearing lies in the direction back to the human condition. That way is where things may actually go wrong, and there is actually something to fear. But in the direction towards actuality, there is nothing to fear about what may happen there!

So now fear, contrary to preventing me going towards actuality, is providing the opposite impetus, away from ‘humanity’ and back towards actuality.

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There is an extremely fine and high-quality purity appreciation that I am able to find, allow and increase. It is present now even ‘under’ or beneath what ‘I’ feel to be ‘my’ center

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Delightfully, a magical mirificence is readily available whenever I allow it.

The key now seems to be to latch onto it 24/7, each waking moment even when talking with people or thinking upon matters. This way it’s uninterrupted.

It seems odd to do at first, like it would interfere with the doing of said things … but the talking happens nevertheless and perfectly well too. But in a different way, less ‘me’ talking and more the talking happening.

This then may be the key to be fully out from under control?


Objectively speaking, normality is really what is completely strange and weird.

Really, someone says something you don’t like and then you get upset and it can affect you for hours? How completely nonsensical! Where’s the sensibility in that?

That is what we are leaving behind when we go on the path that we do… (and leave it behind we must). There’s just… nothing of value in that.


Right and not only strange and weird but outright insane, it is as if human beings are walking around in a state of delirium. It was the enlightened beings who brought back the delusions of the metaphysical world, which these became the bedrock of reality, of what it means to be normal.

This clicked for me the other day when I read some of the correspondence under the latest article :

On top of that was the obvious fact that everybody else other than me – especially the revered and respected ‘Great Teachers’ of antiquity – were insane … which is a classic indication of insanity in itself

Those revered people are the ones we inherited reality from, and this reality is calenture. Contemplating this makes is so obvious that actual freedom is the way to go, for we are all crazed.

And the fact that this reality is conditioned via force onto each new recruit to ‘humanity’, how is this not madness, when the result is ongoing wars, murders, rapes, suicides etc.

This is all clarifying itself to me lately, as Richard wrote in his journal - Human beings took the instinct bred ‘I’ and called it real, implying it to be actual, thus ‘humanity’ was born. This was a grave error and it is responsible for all the madness around.

That is what we are leaving behind when we go on the path that we do… (and leave it behind we must). There’s just… nothing of value in that.

Indeed if reality/normality is seen for the madness that it actually is, how can there be anything but action.


What is needed to take the final step?

A few days ago it happened not once but twice on that same day that my experience of the fine and ambrosial appreciation increased and somehow ‘my’ being began to warp and/or pulsate along with it. There was a very distinct understanding that this could be it (ie self-immolation), but I pulled back!

I pull back every time — I suppose that’s the nature of it, every time but the last time one will pull back. What is needed to proceed though? :thinking:


I was just reflecting on something similar…I saw a short reel which plays a few seconds of the same video but with 2 different background music…the scene shows a guy looking and following a girl…one tune is creepy type so you feel like he’s a psycho guy with nefarious intentions…the second plays a soft tune which makes one feel like look its all warm n cute…just the flip of tune > flip of feelings > flip of interpretation of what’s going on lol

That’s how actuality is interpreted by feeling beings…everything is ever pure n pristine each moment while the feeler shows something else

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I wonder to what extent it has to do with being fully done with reality, as in not having anything at all left that could pull one back, not the slightest ‘oh but’. Which is the same as giving all of oneself over to actuality, being fully committed to proceed towards the new and having nothing at all that keeps one holding onto the old.

I find myself kind of hovering on that stage, like there is almost nothing left, but that ‘something’ no matter how small, is enough. Although there is movement on this front so I wonder if soon this ‘oh but’ will be more like “oh shit there is nothing left” :joy:

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I can see this is how the method segues into self immolation, as in committing to feeling good each moment again gets one to a point where there is nothing in the way of allowing the perfection and purity to operate more or less all the time, then one can step out from control, there is just no reason to remain ‘back there’, in fact the ‘back there’ looses any coherence at this point. I am at that weird place where the ‘back there’ doesn’t have much substance left, but I am not committed fully to the perfection and purity, it’s a pretty fascinating place to be in though!

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Hey @claudiu, I was just out on a walk feeling excellent. It was kicked off by contemplating a few things but one which may apply to you.

I was contemplating my fear surrounding actual freedom or more specifically life without the instincts. Essentially, I was contemplating how radical life would be without them. I also contemplated more thoroughly what they are currently doing for me, even considering the benefits in a genuine way - and then considering the drawbacks of said benefits.

I can relate to this pulling back phenomenon. To me it seems you fear becoming actually free. Richard pulled back a lot too. It’s likely everyone here is scared of becoming actually free on some level, and pulling back by not allowing themselves to feel good.

The more I explore this fear, the more I can understand what being free of the instinctual passions would mean for me. Being able to comprehend the life-altering nature of such a decision, and recognizing it as such, alleviated a lingering fear leading to feeling excellent.

So I’ve been exploring this fear a lot and basically weighing the pros and cons almost as if I’m convincing myself to take that step. I don’t pressure myself into doing it, I convince myself with facts and astute observations and experience. Why not try to convince yourself why you should take that last step and consider how it will impact your current life. And consider the implications of staying this way, as you currently are.

Just think of all that life ahead of you, do you really want to be around for it all? Hovering around like a little ghost fly with no particular location in the body. Some seemingly undetectable, but intuitively apprehended presence. A presence that causes you to pull back whenever things are about to get fun? A presence which isn’t allowing you to be your full potential. Convince whatever that thing is to exit stage right.

I’m convinced that particular fear that causes one to pull back must be addressed adequately. It’s probably the last thing you need to do, if not the most obvious. You probably have to convince yourself to want it more than you’re scared of it.

A fellow pull-backer


Got into a bit of a rut, and I was able to work my way out of it in a remarkably straightforward manner:

  1. I decided I had had enough of continuing down that path
  2. I saw that that was entirely sensible and possible thing to do – to have enough of it and choose to do something else instead
  3. I re-read some of the recent correspondences to bring back that flavor of ambrosial sweetness that has become so easily accessible
  4. And now I am back on track!

With the coming back on track was a remarkable appreciation of the simplicity and facticity of the actualist approach to being alive. I saw that I had been going down a path of dissatisfaction and discontent with life, and that this was simply not factual. It was exactly a choice of how to relate to life.

I saw with such a stark contrast how different actualism is to “positive thinking”. The positive thinking approach is basically to ignore how you really feel about any given situation, not look into it at all, and instead paste over a faux optimism on top, with platitudes and such.

With actualism, you look at that very core thing itself, how you feel about the situation, and then you see that one doesn’t have to feel that way about it, whatever the facts of the situation are, it is silly to let it take away from one’s enjoyment of being alive. The fact of being alive itself is endlessly enjoyable and appreciable, regardless what may be occurring, and one can always be enjoying and appreciating of that fact.

When I put the insight into words it ends up coming out like nothing new or special than what has been written before – and I suppose it isn’t, this indeed is not the first time I am writing this. I think I haven’t conveyed the simplicity of seeing this and how wondrous it is to be able to appreciate that simplicity.

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Yes and it is your post that always reminds me of the flavour of this - The Basis for Happiness - #47 by claudiu :

The key is that the startling clarity and simplicity of being alive, unencumbered / unburdened / unhindered by a ‘self’/‘Self’/ego/soul, is intrinsically enjoyable and there is nothing to actually be done besides enjoy and appreciate it.

This flavour of being unencumbered / unburdened / unhindered is so precious, but this can easily be forgotten it seems haha.

A family member has begotten an offspring a few years back, and I met them for the first time today.

Walking around a bit later, I marveled at the wondrous complexity of the universe we find ourself in. This small creature was amazingly alive, curious, engaged, intelligent, absorbing of all around them – a wondrous bundle of immeasurable complexity, alive and aware of being alive, and joyously living and enjoying the process of learning how to take advantage of the propitious circumstance they find themselves in of being alive on this lustrously verdant and bountiful planet.

And whence came this miracle? Out of nothing more than the vegetables, eggs, meat, and other foodstuffs eaten, water drank, air breathed, and sunlight absorbed by their two progenitors, who effortlessly imbibed it all, the male using it to generate spermatozoa, the female using it to develop her already-existing ovums, which on one destinal day fortuitously joined to form this new organism.

What a marvellous universe we live in indeed!

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