Claudiu's Journal

[Vineeto]

Claudiu: The motivation to post is not very high. The main thing that is clear: it is actually relatively easy to temporarily go into those excellence experiences. Then, experiencing and appreciating how superior this is to being more ‘normal’, I ask myself what would it take to just be like this all the time? And the answer is immediate: I would have to give myself up. This isn’t a thought-out answer or conclusion, but what comes unbidden as the clear answer. So there’s a direct connection between those words and what it means, hence the import of it, just glibly saying “ok I’ll give myself up then!” doesn’t work.

Hi Claudiu,

I concur with and appreciate James’ comment on this –

James: This does make sense. Of course it is a feeling. What else could it be? (link)

And what prevents you from acting along the lines of the “glibly” throw-away response “ok I’ll give myself up then!” is that it’s not just a feeling, it’s ‘your’ very existence, your instinctual-emotional make-up which is at stake, the very whirlpool of instinctual passions swirling like in a whirlpool – and ‘I’ cannot give myself up in my totality.

[Richard]: ‘Primarily the identity within is the affections (the affective feelings) – ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’ – as *the instinctual passions form themselves into* a ‘presence’, a ‘spirit’, a ‘being’ … ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being is ‘being’ itself. MRI scans, and all the rest, cannot detect a phantom being, the ghost in the machine. (…) Put expressively the affective feelings swirl around forming a whirlpool or an eddy (which vortex is the ‘presence’, the ‘spirit’, the ‘being’): mostly peoples experience ‘self’ as being a centre, around which the affective feelings form a barrier, which centre could be graphically likened to a dot in a circle (the circle being the affective feelings) which is what gives rise to the admonitions to break down the walls, the barriers, with which the centre protects itself.
Those people who are self-realised have realised that there is no ‘dot’ in the centre of the circle … hence the word ‘void’. [emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, No. 25a, 10 Jun 2003).
Richard: I put it in that expressive way because it is not possible to separate out the feeler from the feelings it is … just as it is impossible to separate the whirlpool or the eddy – the vortex – from the swirling stuff which is the cause of it (a whirlpool or an eddy – a vortex – of water or air, for example, is the very swirling water or air as the one is not distinct from the other) … hence ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’. (Richard, AF List, No. 44e, 9 Oct 2003).

In other words, it is not just a feeling, it is ‘me’ being all my feelings (‘me’ the identity), which are the crux of the matter … hence your follow-up insightful, very perspicacious suspicion/ discovery.

Claudiu: I also am beginning to suspect that the only ‘reason’ I don’t give myself up, is actually not a reason at all, but a feeling! In other words, there’s not some carefully constructed cognitive artifice which lays out all the well-founded reasons to continue being ‘me’. Rather, it’s a feeling, a feeling that I must survive, must continue, which, immediately underneath that feeling, is primordial fear.

Yes. This is what Geoffrey was getting at, which you so well described in the report I quoted to Kuba yesterday –

Claudiu: Only once this is grasped then can the decision be made to take the leap and continue anyway (otherwise you’re just imagining yourself to be on a cliff but you’re really on a flat ground, and you don’t see the edge to jump off of but only think you do). So you have to actually get to the edge of the cliff (seeing the enormity of the extinction) and only then you can decide to jump. [Emphasis in original]. (30 May 2025)

What you are now “beginning to suspect” means that you are getting close “to the edge of the cliff (seeing the enormity of the extinction)”, not as an imagination but as a feeling reality.

Claudiu: So the answer then won’t be any thought-out thing (since the problem is not a thought-out thing in the first place), but a, hmm, perhaps me as the feeling really seeing deep down it is nothing other than a feeling? It must not be just that though since then it would already have happened.

Exactly. There is no thought-out answer. The question is, will you be able to dare to get closer to the edge of the cliff, to look at this “primordial fear”, acknowledge it, this instinctual “feeling that I must survive”? Will you dare to feel it out, without pushing it away, without reasoning it away, and explore the very core of what constitutes ‘you’, your ‘being’?

As you said in your report – “then can the decision be made to take the leap and continue anyway”.

Claudiu: And so life goes on. (link)

I am reminded of one of Richard’s favourite phrases “to dare to care is to care to dare”.

Seeing the necessity to dare to care comes from observing how in everyday life both one’s words and actions affect those around, and also becoming more and more aware how one’s affective feelings (both expressed and unexpressed) are constantly and inadvertently transmitted and received; realising that one can never be totally harmless, let alone 100% benign and benevolent as a feeling being.

Richard: However, I will take this opportunity to stress just how vital this matter of affective vibes is, in regards to successful actualism practice, as it is central to the ‘feeling harmless’ aspect of such practice (as in the phrase ‘happy and harmless’ that is) inasmuch the whole point is the minimisation – and the ultimate cessation via extirpation of ‘being’ itself – of any malicious feelings and, thus, their resultant transmission as affective vibes throughout the human psyche.
I have, of course, written of this before … for instance:

• [Co-Respondent]: What was the most harmful action you did to other human beings when being a ‘Richard’? What was the most harmful action you did to other human beings when being a Self? I’m referring to an actual harm and not to a potential for harmful action (be it psychological or physical).
• [Richard]: The most harmful action in both cases (both being ‘human’ and being ‘divine’) operated twenty-four hours of the day: involuntarily radiating affective vibes and transmitting psychic currents … and the divine vibes and currents, being so powerful, are the most insalubrious and reprehensible. (Richard, AF List, No. 25b, 24 Jun 2003).

(…)
And speaking of ‘reception’: all feeling-beings are operating and functioning in a virtual sea of affective vibes (not to mention the far-deeper, longer-ranging and more-powerful ‘psychic currents’/ ‘psychic energies’), swirling around and coming at them from all directions, influencing them affectively/ psychically, pushing and pulling them into involuntarily making all manner of decisions which they might otherwise not make (and later regret).
Claudiu recently referred to theses vibes as [quote] ‘completely permeating the space around us’ [endquote], in a post to this forum, and how [quote] ‘each person was like a little dot in that vibespace, somehow picking it up & affecting it’ [endquote]. (Richard, List D, No. 15, 28 Oct 2013)

What a thrilling suspicion/ discovery!

Cheers Vineeto

[Andrew]

Hi there all,

Marvellous discussion, which I can somewhat “chime in on”.

As to the “swirling eddy” of being. I first experienced this as a Pentecostal Christian in bible college. It was Pentecostalism so the primary belief was the outworking of the spirit, and the Holy Spirit.

I remember clearly being drawn in a few meetings to start to twirl in circles. I would feel compelled to start to turn physically, while singing or praying in tongues.

Currently, I am facing some very immediate challenges regarding feelings, and how they are (I am) a complete hindrance to what I am endeavouring doing for money.

I will write about it in my journal, because strangely, it’s the first time it is “me” that is clearly the problem.

A

[claudiu]

Actualism is quite a wonderful thing

When I think of what I want for my newly-born 1-month old son, for how I want him to be when he grows up / what to ‘accomplish’ etc…

All that comes to mind is, I want him to enjoy and appreciate being alive, to have a life as filled with enjoyment and appreciation as possible!

After all, what’s the point of being alive in the first place, if not that?

What a contrast to what it would otherwise be, for them to be smart or to accomplish this or that or be financially or romantically successful or have kids of their own or … this way it really simplifies and avoids any and all of those pitfalls of wishes or desires I’d have for him

[Vineeto]

@claudiu

Actualism is quite a wonderful thing

When I think of what I want for my newly-born 1-month old son, for how I want him to be when he grows up / what to ‘accomplish’ etc…

All that comes to mind is, I want him to enjoy and appreciate being alive, to have a life as filled with enjoyment and appreciation as possible!

After all, what’s the point of being alive in the first place, if not that?

What a contrast to what it would otherwise be, for them to be smart or to accomplish this or that or be financially or romantically successful or have kids of their own or … this way it really simplifies and avoids any and all of those pitfalls of wishes or desires I’d have for him. (link)

Hi Claudiu,

Congratulations for having become a father of a “1-month old son” now. It is not only exciting but also a significant change in your life, as you already indicated that you are now thinking about his future and what would be best for him.

Setting your priorities for him to “enjoy and appreciate being alive” can be much fun for you and your partner as well.

-

In regards to “I’d rather put it that sorrow is the flip-side of malice” (link) in another thread is correct in that both malice and sorrow are intrinsically connected and constitute what is known as ‘The Human Condition’.

Richard: Malice and sorrow are intrinsically connected and constitute what is known as ‘The Human Condition’. (…)
Respondent: The ending of sorrow is love.
Richard: If I may point out? The ending of sorrow is not love … sorrow is essential for compassion to flourish; without compassion, love has no genesis. Therefore, the ending of sorrow would result in love being stillborn … and love is the antidote for malice.
Without malice, love has no raison d’être. (Richard, AF List, No. 4b, 4 July 2015).

However, I always liked how Richard explained “root cause of sorrow” – it clarifies why sorrow is such a ubiquitous feeling reaction in all sorts of situations in life (frustrated love, frustrated desires, resentment in general, repressed anger, unresolved fear, including depression and suicide) –

Richard: It is pertinent to note, at this point, that the root cause of sorrow – and, hence, malice (e.g., the ‘basic resentment’ above) – is being forever locked-out of paradise[1]. (Richard, List D, No. 4b, 4 July 2015).
[1] For example:
• [Richard]: It is more than likely that ‘the need to belong’ arises from the herd instinct – gregariousness runs deep – with layer upon layer of socialisation compounding this primal urge. (…). There is more to it than the hereditarily programmed gregarian urge, of course, as the basic instinctual passions in general, such as fear and aggression and nurture and desire, automatically form themselves into a feeling ‘being’ … which is who ‘I’ am at root (‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being is ‘being’ itself). And any ‘me’ (an inchoate ‘presence’ or rudimentary survival ‘self’ as it were) is an alien identity forever locked-out of paradise (the source of sorrow, by the way, but that is another story) desiring validation from all the other alien identities. (Richard, AF List, No. 42, 29 Apr 2003).
*
• [Richard]: (…) so too is it eminently possible for a thinking, reflective human being to flourish, in pure delight and enjoyment on this magical paradise that this verdant and azure planet already is, sans the affective faculty. (…). And this is marvellous.
• [Respondent № 33]: Richard, what can one do to get there?
• [Richard]: As I said (above): this comes with the extinction of ‘self’ in its entirety (‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being … which is ‘being’ itself) which altruistic action enables this always existing purity and perfection into being apparent for the remainder of one’s life. Noble ‘self’-sacrifice, in other words … a philanthropic gift to humankind.
• [Respondent № 33]: Can one really get there (i.e., be free of the affective faculties)?
• [Richard]: Yes, for it is one’s birthright and destiny … but ‘I’/‘me’ can never, ever be here: actuality is so pristine that nothing ‘dirty’ can get in. ‘I’/‘me’ is forever locked-out of this always existing purity and perfection … hence the ubiquitous sorrow which epitomises life in the ‘real world’. (Richard, List B, No. 33d, 15 May 2001).
*
• [Respondent № 21]: (…) the suffering in the world is caused by malice and the resulting sorrow.
• [Richard]: (…) sorrow is not the result of malice; it is because ‘you’ are – by ‘your’ very nature – forever cut-off from the magnificence of being here now at this moment in eternal time and this place in infinite space. That is, ‘you’ cannot know the purity of the perfection of the infinitude of this very material universe. (Richard, List B, No. 21a, 16 Nov 1998).

Cheers Vineeto

[claudiu]

@Vineeto

Richard: It is pertinent to note, at this point, that the root cause of sorrow – and, hence, malice (e.g., the ‘basic resentment’ above) – is being forever locked-out of paradise[1]. (Richard, List D, No. 4b, 4 July 2015).

Ahh yes, I recall Richard recounting how he was on a paradisical island in a paradisical boat-setting with his then-partner (I believe this was after Richard was actually free), and how it was extremely difficult for her, because, she recognized she was in paradise and thus had actually no reason to be unhappy etc., yet she still was, because ‘she’ was ‘herself’, and it made it impossible to avoid recognizing that… or something along these lines!

Of course, fortuitously, there is something I can do to rectify such a situation…

[Vineeto]

@claudiu

@Vineeto

Richard: It is pertinent to note, at this point, that the root cause of sorrow – and, hence, malice (e.g., the ‘basic resentment’ above) – is being forever locked-out of paradise[1]. (Richard, List D, No. 4b, 4 July 2015).

Ahh yes, I recall Richard recounting how he was on a paradisical island in a paradisical boat-setting with his then-partner (I believe this was after Richard was actually free), and how it was extremely difficult for her, because, she recognized she was in paradise and thus had actually no reason to be unhappy etc., yet she still was, because ‘she’ was ‘herself’, and it made it impossible to avoid recognizing that… or something along these lines!

Hi Claudiu,

I remember this story, perhaps from Richard’s verbal description, but I couldn’t find where it was written with the search words I used. It was during the first few years with Devika, at a time when he was sailing around the north-east coast of Australia in his trimaran. He was still enlightened then as the following episode below indicates (he sold his trimaran after that adventure).

Richard: ‘(…) love is usually considered sacrosanct … yet just as sorrow is essential for its antidotal compassion to flourish love is the antitoxin for malice: without malice, love has no raison d’être. I started to empirically encounter this, whilst sailing my yacht around tropical islands off the north-east coast of Australia with a choice companion, towards the end of 1987 and by about mid 1988 the unfolding of experience came to its inevitable realisation. Strangely enough it was the disclosure of the intrinsically manipulative nature of love – and ‘unconditional love’ at that – in 1987 which triggered the expansion of comprehension and experiential understanding of the composition of the affective faculty … with the concomitant growth of awareness’.
It was with Love Agapé being such a ‘sacred cow’ that there had initially been considerable uneasiness about a direct investigation – my initial enquiry had begun in India in 1984, whilst single and celibate, upon becoming suss about the Buddhist ‘karuna’ (pity-compassion) and ‘metta’ (loving-kindness) – hence there was a three year-long gestation period before the fact could be addressed squarely. Eventually what happened was that at anchor one velvety night with an ebbing tide chuckling its way past the hull what I then called ‘The Absolute’ presented itself as being feminine – a Radiant Being initially seen to be Pure Love – which femininity I would nowadays consider to be a product of me being of masculine gender. Due to an intensity of purpose there was the capacity to penetrate into the nature of this ‘Radiant Being’ and I was able to see ‘Her’ other face:
It was Pure Evil – the Diabolical underpins the Divine[Upload failed] – and upon such exposure ‘She’ (aka Love Agapé) disappeared forever … nevertheless it was not until 1992 that it all came to fruition.
There is a vast difference between ‘realisation’ and ‘actualisation’. (Richard, AF List, No. 41, 10 Feb 2003).

Which is not to detract from the salient point you are making that where-ever a feeling being goes he/she takes their ‘self’ with them and thus the spoiler of feeling good/ feeling excellent – and this is most startling when there is no-one else one could blame.

Claudiu: Of course, fortuitously, there is something I can do to rectify such a situation… (link)

Indeed, and perhaps your intent to “rectify such a situation”, i.e. your situation, has gained an additional urgency since the birth of your son, who is and will be influenced by whatever mood you are in. Surely a fortuitous situation.

Cheers Vineeto

[claudiu]

One delightful thing of having a baby, it give direct experience into how joy and delight are not learned! Babies excel in being delighted, riveted, overjoyed, etc etc. It’s just what the flesh and blood body is set up to do!

Indeed it’s direct factual evidence that the experiential basis of actualism is accurate: with nothing bothering him (not hungry, not tired, not sleepy, not gassy etc…) he’s just thrilled at being alive… and very easily amused! It’s truly a delight :)))

[claudiu]

Reports from the Portugal convivium

Alright I guess it’s my turn now The convivium was fantabulously awesome. When I picked everyone up from the airport on Saturday, it was a sort of more typical feeling-being meeting, here were people I don’t really know, there was the typical distance – even though we were all there for the same thing, still it was a bit more reserved (albeit without the typical niggling issues or drama that would occur when feeling-beings gather, which is already far above the norm) By the end of the …

[claudiu]

Ok emp inspired me to write an update too…

So my “have PCEs” approach is paying dividends, I get very very close and it always orients in the right direction. Watching the baby crawl around on the rug in my living room, I could see how I could just ‘step into’ actuality, it was but a little step away…

The main thing I am experientially seeing now is how much better it is to go this approach rather than the usual – better for the baby, for my partner, and for me as well (much more fun!)

The main sticking point now is my work-drive, it’s really very powerful, I was able to just set it aside for most of the week (except one morning where it got me into a bit of a funk that I only really got out of halfway through the day) but now i gotta deal with it hehe

I do see it’s about not getting worked up about it though.. ‘my’ adversary is just ‘me’, there’s no way I can fail at this, i mean it’s not something that ‘I’ cannot overcome since.. it is ‘me’ haha.

A super useful insight so far was seeing that the work-drive is actually not really about work! it’s more of a ‘good’-feeling-addiction of ‘accomplishing’ things, which devolves to anxiety when i feel i don’t accomplish enough. The same energy actually is often super unproducitve, where i spend ton of time on ‘fun’ side-projects and doom-scrolling twitter instead of the actual most sensible task lol

I put ‘fun’ in quotes because it does feel like it would be ‘fun’, however, it is certainly not felicitous… and the week of convivium-felicity-feeling is a great thing to rememorate by contrast.. now that was fun!! Haha.

So it amounts to this addictive pull of what I feel would be fun, with very obvious clear and immediate downsides… and it’s not even about work, as in doing a job and earning a living or whatnot! Feeling like i ‘need’ to do it for ‘work’ is, in other words, an excuse! haha

So it’s really just something ‘I’ choose to do, and i figure, if i’m gonna choose something that’s not ‘necessary’ (like earning money, taking care of baby etC) then I may as well choose something that’s actually fun, not fake fun lol

that’s kinda where it is at though , the pull is still there, but contrasting it w/ the felicity helps quite a bit

[claudiu]

Wohoo well last night had a PCE, it didn’t take so long after all

It came at night after a full day of highly sensuous experiencing. I was nearly always at that forefront where there’s a pureness of experience yet not fully pure (‘me’ still present) . At the parked car waiting for my partner, I took out my laptop and worked on the sidewalk, and even the laptop screen itself was experienced senuously. Even though it was a day I did a lot of computer work, nevertheless my mood was generally one having a lot of fun

At some point during what would normally be a stressful situation (going from car to hotel with dog and baby and luggage), I was nevertheless having a ball, and perceived that I was really close, on that cusp of it. And then there was the experience of the purity being everywhere, including in the ‘center’ where normally there was ‘me’! I remember a distinct joy and gladness at perceiving the palpable absence of ‘me’

A few days ago while wondering what prevents me from having a PCE I noted I felt like ‘I’ had to stick around to ensure ‘nothing goes awry’. I was very suspect of this being a fact, but during the PCE I took the opportunity to check this out and saw that there was simply no possibility of going awry! In other words I know experientially now (rather than just thought-out/intellecutally/from-having-read-the-AFT-site) that ‘I’ am not needed to be sure things don’t go awry. Nothing quite beats the experiential knowing

It wasn’t super long (15 mins maybe?) and it does kind of go in and out. I saw if I sort of went to a more ‘pondering about it’ mode it would end, but then if I just went for the experience I’d be back in it. Similar to the first PCE I had after coming across actualism. But immediately after there was not any backlash, I was just still having fun even though I noted ‘I’ was back

Later that night I was reflecting on the PCE and I realized the perfect way to describe is: “Instead of ‘me’ there was just the purity”. I noted an immediate attempt to intellectually reframe it as “I was the purity” (but not ‘I’ thinking it) and stopped going there. It was more accurate to say : “Instead of ‘me’ there was the purity” (not a direct quote of my thoughts at the time lol). But in any case… then I felt the backlash haha. Like a wall of emotion and feeling, that is sort of so chaotic and strong that I didn’t even directly feel it as fear (although it’s certainly fear)

But it was odd, so even though I now felt this fear I simply could not find anything to ‘connect’ it too. What exactly was I afraid of? I mean, nothing I had just experienced was in any way something of being worth of being afraid of. I found it really strange and it was almost like “eh cmon do I have to keep pretending I’m afraid of this?” However then I grew suspect of this distance from it and said ok if I’m not really afraid.. why not allow another PCE right now? Haha what wonders that works-- that same fear was clearly preventing the way. Ok so I do feel that fear (obviously), but… still I don’t see a reason to take it seriously

In the past I’d normally sort of ‘enshrine’ this as a ‘special’ experience (which it is!) but then not try to have a PCE for a while and sorta slack off… but instead I’m like well let’s have another haha. By today morning backlash was already basically gone and was another fully day of near-sensuous experiencing. Quite fun!!

My ‘plan’ is the answer to the ‘why am I afraid still tho?’ will just be having more PCEs haha.

[emp]

Woohoo! Claudiu! PCE!

raccoon dancing intensifies

[Kub933]

Congrats on the PCE Claudiu! I was thinking (although these are currently quite rare ) it could be good to create a separate (maybe even pinned) thread with “PCE reports”, so that these are easy to access as opposed to buried in the journals, what you think?