Yeahhh it’s just such great fun to jovially interact with others. I greatly enjoy eliciting laughs, and it’s so effortless and fun. The increasing intimacy with others is truly wondrous.
And nobody ‘notices’ anything happening with me! I find people increasingly offer less and less offense in the first place. It’s like they can tell I am not a ‘target’ anymore even if it’s not in their conscious awareness. Truly fascinating — and shows it is safe for any and all to do in the company of others!
Emp: Although the more I look at this the more I see that really this is just a self-centred motivation, fuelled by a fear of being a complete outcast, and furthermore fuelled by the fear of no longer ‘being’ at all.
At least when I explore it myself it’s a sort of bartering, isn’t it? ”Look, ’I’ am useful!”, i.e. ”Please let me stay!”.
I’ve been having this back and forth quite a bit lately. (link)
Hi Emp,
Welcome back. I always read your words with interest.
I remember this bartering – researches on people close to death found five stages happening for most people – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance/Resignation.
Here is a bit of ‘Vineeto’s’ writing on the topic from ‘her’ early days of actualism (1998) you might enjoy –
’Vineeto’: ‘Having decided to go into the face of death, fear arose, big fear. The dormant instinct of survival – now challenged – awoke from sleep and spread fear and doubt all over my body and brain. Everything went on alert to protect what I knew as me. One of those protecting methods was to create doubts, ghosts upon ghosts of doubt. Am I doing the right thing? No one has ever done it before, without going through enlightenment, and won’t I get lost? What if I end up accidentally enlightened? I was dead sure by now that this was a calamity I definitely wanted to avoid. Maybe I am not capable for such an unnatural task? Maybe I am not cleaned up enough and pushing too early? How will I know what is the right direction? And on and on they went in hours of chasing my tail, round in circles without any sensible outcome.
I spent a lot of time in the day to contemplate dying, trying to figure out of what it will consist of, how I will experience it, how it was for Richard. I would call that whole process ‘gathering intent’, adjusting direction, becoming clear that now I was going for the final price. Along with sorting out relationships came hours of deep sorrow, a seemingly endless personal farewell to everything and everyone who I had cherished, held dear, appreciated and felt close to. Well aware that the days of the leisurely ease of virtual freedom lay way behind, with the bridges burnt and no return, now an all-engulfing sadness pervaded me, a bitter-sweet drama that was played out worthy of the supposedly last days of my self. Denial and rejection went hand in hand with ‘pushing the vehicle up the hill’ i.e. contemplating on the extinction of the self. What I found was a repetitive circle of fear – frustration – doubt – fear and the only way out is intent, intent to not stop at second best, whatever happens.
One day, imagining death again, I encountered a rush of glory going all through my belly, filling the chest area and filling my eyes with tears of joy and anticipation. I could see the ‘self’ enjoying the dignity of a willing death, agreeing to the undeniable fact that only the ‘self’ was in the road of experiencing the perfection of the universe. As close as the ‘self’ is able to I stood at the brink of actual freedom. By sheer obvious comparison I had to admit that I would never be able to accomplish or compete with the purity and crystal clear magic of this perfect universe. This glimpse alone was a thousand-fold greater and more magical than any ‘self’ would ever be able to produce, no matter how much I would clean myself up and make myself perfect. This very realization was to be the {temporary} defeat of the ‘self’. But at the same time there was the utter joy and celebration of having seen and experienced what I would be dying for and that it was worth all of ‘me’.” [Emphasis and curly-bracketed insert added] (Exploring Death and ASCs)
Now I know – because it actually happened that way – that apart from overcoming fear and doubt something far more delicious is required – the sweetness of intimacy and a genuine caring to initiate the instinctual passion for group survival and ‘self’-sacrifice.
Richard: I am more making the point that only altruism – self-sacrificial humanitarianism – will provide the enormous energy necessary for ‘self’-immolation … the instinct for individual survival is only exceeded by the instinct for group survival.
It takes a powerful instinct to overcome a powerful instinct. (Richard, List B, No. 39b, 28 Oct 2002a)
Cheers Vineeto
(If you like to have a private conversation about any issues, you are welcome to message me. I know it is often easier to nut out something when you put it in words.)
@Vineeto well, if be damned if you didn’t just read my mind (this is a joke but I know you know it) on all fronts 
I keep getting stuck in the sorrow right now and can’t ”ride the wave” that’s currently happening no matter how hard I try (or not…). I’ll message you.
Had an amazing experiential insight as to how principles are not only unnecessary but actively take one away from actuality.
What having or holding or adhering to or believing a principle does is that it sets up a dichotomy wherein everything ‘inside’ of / adhering to the principle is “safe”, and straying outside the bounds is “unsafe”
But in actuality everything is safe, all of actuality is safe
So it artificially segregates what is actual into a seemingly-safe portion and an unsafe portion
However this takes what was already safe (actuality) and now pastes a dangerous veneer onto it, now you have to work and maintain to be within the bounds of the principle, and this is inherently insecure and requires constant maintenance with the constant fear of stepping outside, and comes with needing to defend the principle against any and all threats
So it’s safe to totally discard any principles, beliefs or worldviews! Actuality already being safe is what makes it safe. The feeling of fear about the danger of doing so is not accurate, not sensible — it is actually safe
Just realized an immense benefit of not acting with malicious intentions , ie being harmless — no feelings of moral culpability!
There was an interaction with a family member where I behaved a certain way. Later I relayed it to another family member and they were really surprised, didn’t understand why I did it. They said they’d never do that and thought I did the wrong thing. I realized at some point they were coming at it from a moral angle, but I didn’t feel culpable at all, or even defensive! There was no need to defend my action as ‘correct’, because I knew I didn’t do it with any malice, I responded as best I could in the given situation.
Eventually we got to a point where I saw where the other person was coming from and actually saw their point! And now in a similar situation in the future I will probably behave differently with this new knowledge in mind. It all went smoothly with no raised emotions or feelings! It was just a felicitous exchange (at least from my part).
And I can see how in the past by feeling defensive and defending myself I would thereby trigger the other person to go even more on the offensive and it could easily spiral into a whole thing. And it just didn’t happen at all here, I almost didn’t even realize it was a moral issue for the other person.
Truly it’s a far superior way of being in the world!!! And actual freedom I can see will only be even better, totally eliminating even the chance of ever getting defensive (which can still happen now even though it didn’t in this case).
———
I realized not long ago that I only have one goal in life now — to self-immolate. No other goal makes sense as anything to pursue. I find myself forming a goal and pursuing it but then I realize it and see it’s silly. It’s like any goal formed is only an illusion of something that needs doing. It doesn’t actually have any ‘point’ outside of itself. I can see the illusion forming now and decline to go there. This leaves just one actual goal, one thing that is worth doing.
And it does have to be me that goes. It’s not that I the feeling-being ‘become’ actually free. I abdicate the throne and disappear to allow this flesh and blood body to be free. There is no other way.
Key reminder!
And this is wondrous to read with all my being, the sign post / goal post of where I am aiming !!