Yeahhh it’s just such great fun to jovially interact with others. I greatly enjoy eliciting laughs, and it’s so effortless and fun. The increasing intimacy with others is truly wondrous.
And nobody ‘notices’ anything happening with me! I find people increasingly offer less and less offense in the first place. It’s like they can tell I am not a ‘target’ anymore even if it’s not in their conscious awareness. Truly fascinating — and shows it is safe for any and all to do in the company of others!
Emp: Although the more I look at this the more I see that really this is just a self-centred motivation, fuelled by a fear of being a complete outcast, and furthermore fuelled by the fear of no longer ‘being’ at all.
At least when I explore it myself it’s a sort of bartering, isn’t it? ”Look, ’I’ am useful!”, i.e. ”Please let me stay!”.
I’ve been having this back and forth quite a bit lately. (link)
Hi Emp,
Welcome back. I always read your words with interest.
I remember this bartering – researches on people close to death found five stages happening for most people – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance/Resignation.
Here is a bit of ‘Vineeto’s’ writing on the topic from ‘her’ early days of actualism (1998) you might enjoy –
’Vineeto’: ‘Having decided to go into the face of death, fear arose, big fear. The dormant instinct of survival – now challenged – awoke from sleep and spread fear and doubt all over my body and brain. Everything went on alert to protect what I knew as me. One of those protecting methods was to create doubts, ghosts upon ghosts of doubt. Am I doing the right thing? No one has ever done it before, without going through enlightenment, and won’t I get lost? What if I end up accidentally enlightened? I was dead sure by now that this was a calamity I definitely wanted to avoid. Maybe I am not capable for such an unnatural task? Maybe I am not cleaned up enough and pushing too early? How will I know what is the right direction? And on and on they went in hours of chasing my tail, round in circles without any sensible outcome.
I spent a lot of time in the day to contemplate dying, trying to figure out of what it will consist of, how I will experience it, how it was for Richard. I would call that whole process ‘gathering intent’, adjusting direction, becoming clear that now I was going for the final price. Along with sorting out relationships came hours of deep sorrow, a seemingly endless personal farewell to everything and everyone who I had cherished, held dear, appreciated and felt close to. Well aware that the days of the leisurely ease of virtual freedom lay way behind, with the bridges burnt and no return, now an all-engulfing sadness pervaded me, a bitter-sweet drama that was played out worthy of the supposedly last days of my self. Denial and rejection went hand in hand with ‘pushing the vehicle up the hill’ i.e. contemplating on the extinction of the self. What I found was a repetitive circle of fear – frustration – doubt – fear and the only way out is intent, intent to not stop at second best, whatever happens.
One day, imagining death again, I encountered a rush of glory going all through my belly, filling the chest area and filling my eyes with tears of joy and anticipation. I could see the ‘self’ enjoying the dignity of a willing death, agreeing to the undeniable fact that only the ‘self’ was in the road of experiencing the perfection of the universe. As close as the ‘self’ is able to I stood at the brink of actual freedom. By sheer obvious comparison I had to admit that I would never be able to accomplish or compete with the purity and crystal clear magic of this perfect universe. This glimpse alone was a thousand-fold greater and more magical than any ‘self’ would ever be able to produce, no matter how much I would clean myself up and make myself perfect. This very realization was to be the {temporary} defeat of the ‘self’. But at the same time there was the utter joy and celebration of having seen and experienced what I would be dying for and that it was worth all of ‘me’.” [Emphasis and curly-bracketed insert added] (Exploring Death and ASCs)
Now I know – because it actually happened that way – that apart from overcoming fear and doubt something far more delicious is required – the sweetness of intimacy and a genuine caring to initiate the instinctual passion for group survival and ‘self’-sacrifice.
Richard: I am more making the point that only altruism – self-sacrificial humanitarianism – will provide the enormous energy necessary for ‘self’-immolation … the instinct for individual survival is only exceeded by the instinct for group survival.
It takes a powerful instinct to overcome a powerful instinct. (Richard, List B, No. 39b, 28 Oct 2002a)
Cheers Vineeto
(If you like to have a private conversation about any issues, you are welcome to message me. I know it is often easier to nut out something when you put it in words.)
@Vineeto well, if be damned if you didn’t just read my mind (this is a joke but I know you know it) on all fronts 
I keep getting stuck in the sorrow right now and can’t ”ride the wave” that’s currently happening no matter how hard I try (or not…). I’ll message you.
Had an amazing experiential insight as to how principles are not only unnecessary but actively take one away from actuality.
What having or holding or adhering to or believing a principle does is that it sets up a dichotomy wherein everything ‘inside’ of / adhering to the principle is “safe”, and straying outside the bounds is “unsafe”
But in actuality everything is safe, all of actuality is safe
So it artificially segregates what is actual into a seemingly-safe portion and an unsafe portion
However this takes what was already safe (actuality) and now pastes a dangerous veneer onto it, now you have to work and maintain to be within the bounds of the principle, and this is inherently insecure and requires constant maintenance with the constant fear of stepping outside, and comes with needing to defend the principle against any and all threats
So it’s safe to totally discard any principles, beliefs or worldviews! Actuality already being safe is what makes it safe. The feeling of fear about the danger of doing so is not accurate, not sensible — it is actually safe
Just realized an immense benefit of not acting with malicious intentions , ie being harmless — no feelings of moral culpability!
There was an interaction with a family member where I behaved a certain way. Later I relayed it to another family member and they were really surprised, didn’t understand why I did it. They said they’d never do that and thought I did the wrong thing. I realized at some point they were coming at it from a moral angle, but I didn’t feel culpable at all, or even defensive! There was no need to defend my action as ‘correct’, because I knew I didn’t do it with any malice, I responded as best I could in the given situation.
Eventually we got to a point where I saw where the other person was coming from and actually saw their point! And now in a similar situation in the future I will probably behave differently with this new knowledge in mind. It all went smoothly with no raised emotions or feelings! It was just a felicitous exchange (at least from my part).
And I can see how in the past by feeling defensive and defending myself I would thereby trigger the other person to go even more on the offensive and it could easily spiral into a whole thing. And it just didn’t happen at all here, I almost didn’t even realize it was a moral issue for the other person.
Truly it’s a far superior way of being in the world!!! And actual freedom I can see will only be even better, totally eliminating even the chance of ever getting defensive (which can still happen now even though it didn’t in this case).
———
I realized not long ago that I only have one goal in life now — to self-immolate. No other goal makes sense as anything to pursue. I find myself forming a goal and pursuing it but then I realize it and see it’s silly. It’s like any goal formed is only an illusion of something that needs doing. It doesn’t actually have any ‘point’ outside of itself. I can see the illusion forming now and decline to go there. This leaves just one actual goal, one thing that is worth doing.
And it does have to be me that goes. It’s not that I the feeling-being ‘become’ actually free. I abdicate the throne and disappear to allow this flesh and blood body to be free. There is no other way.
Key reminder!
And this is wondrous to read with all my being, the sign post / goal post of where I am aiming !!
Thought I’d write an update
Funnily enough I was thinking it’s been ages, weeks and weeks, since I wrote any update – and now I see it’s only been 5 days lol
It’s a bit of an odd period though. There is certainly something preventing me from continuing, but have not figured out what yet. The evidence there is a blocker / an objection is that the pristine purity is not shining forth as powerfully as I know it can!
Perhaps it is my drive related to work coming to the forefront. I set myself a goal for Dec 31st to finish, which I did and put lot of effort into – and there was no felt ‘reward’ for having done it, which was interesting! It just seemed like it was pointless to have set that arbitrary emotion-driven goal haha.
There’s still much work to do that I would like to get done since it’s been a few months on this task that I felt should not have taken so long – but OTOH rather than being driven I’m more feeling driven but also seeing the futility of feeling driven. It doesn’t necessarily make the work go faster! Actually the contrary, I get into a somewhat hyperactive state and although that is effective for a time, eventually ends up that I need more stimulation to maintain it, and the brain is too tired to work effectively so ends up being X/Twitter or something like this
But even so it’s not like I feel stuck in terms of progressing to self-immolating. It’s more like there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do, or latch onto, to ‘make it happen faster’. Anything along those lines it just seems like it wouldn’t be what delivers the goods
And at the same time, any self-flagellating for ‘falling back’ or ‘not progressing’ is also completely absent! It just makes no sense to do that.
In the past (before going out-from-control) probably what would have happened is I would self-flaggelate and then ‘try harder’ and keep doing this meanwhile being driven and sort of spiral away, until eventually I stop. Now the experience is more like I’m seeing the elements of this recurring – which is normal, it’s an ingrained/conditioned habit – but my experience of it is different, it’s more like it is puzzling to witness it happening haha.
What seems to actually work is to contemplate and reflect on what is happening and piece together how I am ticking and why, and contrast it to the purity I know so well now, and just the act of doing this, is what clears the field.
It seemed strange for a while (“a while” haha has just been 5 days since I last wrote anything) but thinking about it now it seems more like I’m on the right track. There is no forcing of anything, the only thing preventing me from self-immolating is me, and it’s a matter of figuring out what it is, the answer is obvious that there is only one way this all ends (self-immolating) and there’s no question of whether to do it (the answer is ‘yes’), so, just a matter of… doing it!
It is strange not feeling like there is some sort of ‘progress bar’ or ‘momentum’ that I have to maintain. It comes down to not ever having been in control in the first place, perhaps!
Claudiu: Thought I’d write an update.
Funnily enough I was thinking it’s been ages, weeks and weeks, since I wrote any update – and now I see it’s only been 5 days lol.
It’s a bit of an odd period though. There is certainly something preventing me from continuing, but have not figured out what yet. The evidence there is a blocker / an objection is that the pristine purity is not shining forth as powerfully as I know it can!
Perhaps it is my drive related to work coming to the forefront. I set myself a goal for Dec 31st to finish, which I did and put lot of effort into – and there was no felt ‘reward’ for having done it, which was interesting! It just seemed like it was pointless to have set that arbitrary emotion-driven goal haha.
There’s still much work to do that I would like to get done since it’s been a few months on this task that I felt should not have taken so long – but OTOH rather than being driven I’m more feeling driven but also seeing the futility of feeling driven. It doesn’t necessarily make the work go faster! Actually the contrary, I get into a somewhat hyperactive state and although that is effective for a time, eventually ends up that I need more stimulation to maintain it, and the brain is too tired to work effectively so ends up being X/Twitter or something like this.
But even so it’s not like I feel stuck in terms of progressing to self-immolating. It’s more like there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do, or latch onto, to ‘make it happen faster’. Anything along those lines it just seems like it wouldn’t be what delivers the goods.
And at the same time, any self-flagellating for ‘falling back’ or ‘not progressing’ is also completely absent! It just makes no sense to do that.
In the past (before going out-from-control) probably what would have happened is I would self-flagellate and then ‘try harder’ and keep doing this meanwhile being driven and sort of spiral away, until eventually I stop. Now the experience is more like I’m seeing the elements of this recurring – which is normal, it’s an ingrained/conditioned habit – but my experience of it is different, it’s more like it is puzzling to witness it happening haha.
What seems to actually work is to contemplate and reflect on what is happening and piece together how I am ticking and why, and contrast it to the purity I know so well now, and just the act of doing this, is what clears the field.
It seemed strange for a while (“a while” haha has just been 5 days since I last wrote anything) but thinking about it now it seems more like I’m on the right track. There is no forcing of anything, the only thing preventing me from self-immolating is me, and it’s a matter of figuring out what it is, the answer is obvious that there is only one way this all ends (self-immolating) and there’s no question of whether to do it (the answer is ‘yes’), so, just a matter of… doing it!
It is strange not feeling like there is some sort of ‘progress bar’ or ‘momentum’ that I have to maintain. It comes down to not ever having been in control in the first place, perhaps!
Hi Claudiu,
Well, first you say “there is certainly something preventing me from continuing …” but further down you say “it’s more like there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do”.
You seem to have worked it out when you say “what seems to actually work is to contemplate and reflect on what is happening and piece together how I am ticking and why” because shortly before that you had described how your “drive related to work” kept you busy in a “hyperactive state”.
This was perhaps a temporary distraction from contemplating and reflecting on what is happening. And not just contemplation and reflection on “how I am ticking” but allowing a fascinated attention and reflection and contemplation all the way to apperception, when ‘I’ cease thinking and thinking takes place of its own accord … and ‘me’ disappears along with all the feelings. A ripening and blooming of pure intent which will carry you through to your final destination?
Pure intent will tell you what is required but you need to be quiet enough to ‘hear’ it. And in that period before the final step doing nothing can sometimes be hard to bear. ‘I’ am soo used to being busy! But the fact that even “self-flagellating” no longer works seems to indicate that now you need to allow the stillness of the infinitude of the universe to do its bit while keeping the gates to pure intent wide open.
It’s a wonderful report, Claudiu
Cheers Vineeto
Yes this is exactly what has been going on on my end. The other day ‘I’ gave myself permission to stop trying for a little bit to see what happens, things got more quiet on ‘my’ end but yet the momentum continued as before.
I remember @claudiu you posted a while ago about what Geoffrey was doing leading up to self immolation, which was - rising up to the challenge of being here as the universes experience of itself, this is exactly it.
It’s clear that pure intent will guide me to the exit, in fact this is exactly what has been happening. It is tricky initially to allow this because ‘I’ want to be busy, ‘I’ want to grasp this thing and push with it.
The other thing that has been circling my mind is Richard’s words that - If only one could see that pride and humility stand in the way of ceasing all self centred activity. It’s about finally agreeing to allow life to happen of it’s own accord, seeing that it is far far better without ‘me’.
The past few days this kind of movement forward has got me experiencing life like never before, like it just makes sense that living as a flesh and blood body sans identity is what the universe intends, it should be the norm. All it takes is to look around to see that this is the case, it’s this business of being a separative entity that is weird, that is “not right”.
‘I’ have to go against all clearly demonstrable actuality in order to maintain ‘myself’, ‘I’ have to go up against the universe itself to maintain ‘myself’.
Okay … this is important, vital, pivotal: ‘I’, the thinker, know that ‘I’ cannot do it … ‘I’ cannot disappear ‘myself’. Only the ‘utter fullness’ can, and the ‘utter fullness’ is ‘calling one’, each moment again, and it is only when ‘I’ fully comprehend – totally, completely, fundamentally – that to be living this ‘utter fullness’ is to be living ‘my’ destiny will one be able ‘to answer that call’.
This full-blooded endorsement means it then becomes inevitable.
Allowing this “utter fullness” is indeed not about ‘me’ keeping busy, it is about ‘me’ becoming (or more specifically accepting that it has always been so) totally redundant, and agreeing to this with the entirety of ‘my’ being. When ‘I’ contemplate this possibility there is such an incredible sweetness to admitting this, it’s where release is located.
It’s quite funny too what kind of trivial things ‘I’ am now looking to busy ‘myself’ with since all the big ones have been exposed. This weekend just gone I was alternating between allowing life to happen of it’s own accord and then worrying about this under sink cupboard that I bought where the doors don’t fit quite right and whether I should replace it or not 
Like ‘I’ am trying to sell ‘myself’ on being necessary by making things like this appear so very important, lol!
I do have this perception also, that there is so little of ‘me’ left that whatever issue comes up initially feels like it is a big one, whatever it is
I put it that it’s because I am so much simpler now. Like there really is just one issue at a time, it’s no longer a mess of 20 different aspects of identity and belief and narrative and worldview and desires and goals all swirling together. So the 1 is felt with as much potency as the 20 during ‘normality’ would be. So it feels big!
But then when I at last actually take a look at it reflectively with fascinated contemplation, the bigness is seen to be an illusion, it’s not actually such a big deal.
Interesting the commonalities we’re having !
Yes it seems no matter how small the thing is, what is actually at stake is whatever remnants of control ‘I’ have over life, so ‘I’ end up clinging to something that is so obviously irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.
When I dig into these little things it’s so obvious that it’s control and also that dichotomy of pride/humility, essentially ‘I’ still feel that ‘I’ need to have a say in how life plays out, that somehow ‘I’ still know better than the universe. And it seems ‘I’ am hanging onto progressively more ridiculous excuses in order to maintain what’s left of it.
That dodgy cupboard door is just a chance for ‘me’ to go - “look something is wrong and so ‘I’ am needed to put it right”. This is still that 1 step away from allowing that life is already complete, that ‘I’ can disappear.
It reminds me of Richard’s attempt (whilst enlightened) to progressively purify ‘himself’ until ‘he’ found that ‘he’ could cleanse ‘himself’ until the cows came home and ‘he’ would still remain, and so that which is dirty would remain.
Dear Kuba,
This is so wondrous and mirificent to read, the utter fullness wafts across the planet and brings tears of sweetness.
And the full moon shines on the still pond of an incoming tide perfectly reflecting in the water …
Cheers Vineeto
The effect I can apparently have on people around me is quite mirificent!
An ad-hoc/unplanned lunch with some coworkers. One of them was saying how they were feeling bad and not sure what they want in life, what value system to follow, what do they actually really want? The benefit of where I’m at now is I can just talk straightforwardly and directly. So I told them that the tricky bit is that people want to find a solid, unyielding core that is reliable – but such a thing doesn’t exist for an identity! Because whatever identity you pick, it can only have an illusion of stability, it never actually is so. Because what you ultimately are are your emotions – an emotional expression is what you are. And any seemingly stable identity is just this.
And I could see she didn’t expect that and she reacted in a sort of stunned way, but like she was really considering it! And then she’s like ah so the goal is to be ok with that (or something like this)? And I said well it’s more about accepting that it’s the case and not looking for that anymore but choosing to be a way that is more felicitous, or something like this, but then we got interrupted to be seated.
Later the convo turned to setpoints and I was saying how people have a default emotional setpoint, most are neutral. One said theirs is default good which is why they got so worried when they were feeling not good – I said that’s great, easier for her haha. But another said it was neutral and I said I was able to up-level mine to good, and he was suddenly very interested, like, oh how did you do that?
He had said something like he has a feeling of always wanting more, of having a higher standard, of expecting more than he gets. And I basically just straightforwardly said, if that is how you choose to be in the world, you will never be satisfied. And he went suddenly very still and silent (similar to the other one’s reaction) but it was like he understood and really was listening! And I went on to say that if he wants to be that way he can, but if he wants to not feel unsatisfied all the time he has to change that about himself, and it’s something he can do if he wants.
And then I got into the actualism method (not named as such) of, ok start from feeling good – there’s always a trigger that leads you to not feeling good. And you see specifically what the trigger is, it’s always something. And then you see what about you, how you relate to that trigger, that causes you to not feel good.
It was a lovely convo and he even remarked how he was feeling good now, and everybody evidently was. Just able to straightforwardly and directly talk about and share this advice which worked for me – was quite wondrous!
I remember distinctly what could have been a similar convo, before I had actually been practicing the actualism method, where I outlined to a friend how it would work in theory (as that is the only way I knew it). And he basically asked for practical advice, like an example, and whether it really worked – and I wasn’t able to relay anything satisfying, because I hadn’t been doing it!
A night-and-day difference indeed
And it is so distinct from me wanting the other people to be in a good mood. It isn’t like I was trying to convince them to be, or if someone is down trying to cheer them up. This brings an expectation ‘I’ have for ‘them’ to feel a certain way, and if they don’t it affects & upsets me to a degree. This was, I was not even trying to do anything, it just unfolded this way.
In hindsight I would solidly label this as an intimacy experience, quite wondrous!
It just also goes to show how much even more effective such unplanned interactions would be, with actual Claudiu being the one that is conscious, sans any feeling-being whatsoever 
The other wondrous recent insight was in seeing how I am actually not ‘special’ in that I am essentially the same as any other feeling-being out there. In terms of what I am at my core. In other words I don’t have to maintain or hold onto or try to prop up any aspect of myself that would set me apart or above anyone else – because I am the same at core! This is something I can’t change – I can only self-immolate to remedy this situation.
This was seen as an immense relief of a huge burden that I no longer have to maintain myself in all these various small ways. In other words I am free to do anything, and anyone is free to say or think or do whatever in response, and none of it matters in terms of me having to prop myself up or defend myself or do anything. Cause I already know I’m not special, there is nothing I can actually defend to change this fact!
Similar to Kuba also I’m seeing I really do have to take this next step. Even further insights or realizations are no longer sufficient. It’s not about this anymore. It’s about actually taking the last step, for this fundamental change, that is the very best I can do for every body, including this body!
Cheers,
Claudiu
I keep coming back to this advice, this indeed seems to be all what is required now!
Particularly this part of the sentence: “now you need to allow the stillness of the infinitude of the universe to do its bit”, it is directly talking about something actual – the stillness – which is a property of something actual – the infinitude of the universe – which will actually do something actual – do the actual part of self-immolation, the actual doing of it.
In other words a factual description of what will actually tangibly happen! The words are referring to something actual, this is amazing.
Claudiu: And it is so distinct from me wanting the other people to be in a good mood. It isn’t like I was trying to convince them to be, or if someone is down trying to cheer them up. This brings an expectation ‘I’ have for ‘them’ to feel a certain way, and if they don’t it affects & upsets me to a degree. This was, I was not even trying to do anything, it just unfolded this way.
In hindsight I would solidly label this as an intimacy experience, quite wondrous!
Hi Claudiu,
It does remind me of ‘Vineeto’s’ description in ‘her’ period of being out-from-under-control –
‘Vineeto’: The other observation from this period of being out-from-control worth sharing, I was able to make when ‘No. 4[D]’ came for a visit. I remember clearly one day sitting in a circle of 5 friends, utterly relaxed despite the fact that I had never met one of them in person, and I noticed that I had no personal agenda whatsoever, no plan to stir the conversation into a particular direction, nothing to emphasize or hide, no self-centredness or favouritism, no shame, shyness, embarrassment, no power or drive – I was just being myself as I was. I sat in this group, as one of many, and my sole interest was that everyone present (including me as one of those present) enjoyed themselves/ obtained the maximum benefit from our meeting. I experienced myself as being unreservedly at ease and utterly benign and wasn’t driven to say anything unless it contributed to the overall quality of the conversation. (Direct Route, No. 5, 16 Jan 2010)
That’s the very quality of effortlessly not being ‘self’-centred – it is delicious.
Claudiu: It just also goes to show how much even more effective such unplanned interactions would be, with actual Claudiu being the one that is conscious, sans any feeling-being whatsoever
The other wondrous recent insight was in seeing how I am actually not ‘special’ in that I am essentially the same as any other feeling-being out there. In terms of what I am at my core. In other words I don’t have to maintain or hold onto or try to prop up any aspect of myself that would set me apart or above anyone else – because I am the same at core! This is something I can’t change – I can only self-immolate to remedy this situation.
This was seen as an immense relief of a huge burden that I no longer have to maintain myself in all these various small ways. In other words I am free to do anything, and anyone is free to say or think or do whatever in response, and none of it matters in terms of me having to prop myself up or defend myself or do anything. Cause I already know I’m not special, there is nothing I can actually defend to change this fact!
Similar to Kuba also I’m seeing I really do have to take this next step. Even further insights or realizations are no longer sufficient. It’s not about this anymore. It’s about actually taking the last step, for this fundamental change, that is the very best I can do for every body, including this body! (link)
Ha, it gets better every day. This report is wonderful to read.
Most of the stress people generally create for themselves (instinctually and unconsciously) is to hide and/or counteract that they are “essentially the same as any other feeling-being”. And what an “immense relief of a huge burden” it is indeed to know for a fact that “I’m not special”.
I am joyously awaiting your “last step” – ain’t life grand!
Three cheers
Vineeto
This is where I have been proceeding as of late and it seems by all means to be in the right direction.
It reminds me of what you wrote @claudiu a while back about proceeding “towards actuality”.
This is ‘me’ becoming “quiet enough” to let actuality do its thing.
From this vantage point of proceeding towards actuality I find myself in a very interesting place. There is the actual world clearly existing and everything is already happening of its own accord, this is seen as an undeniable fact.
And then there is ‘me’ which is this psychological/psychic operation which simultaneously exists and arrogates itself over life, with disastrous consequences.
I can see from this vantage point that actual freedom is an utterly down to earth, practical and salubrious condition. It is what is left when all this ‘extra stuff’ is wiped out.
I remember when first reading Richard’s descriptions of actual freedom it seemed like I was reading the words of an alien, robot, zombie, mad man etc. Whereas seeing it now it is nothing like this at all, and neither is it anything metaphysical or otherworldly, it seems to be very doable, so very livable.
It seems all it would take is for ‘me’ to give this one last big and wholehearted approval of all that is happening. Seeing that life is already happening of its own accord it exposes how silly the game of being a ‘self’ is. In that ‘I’ draw these arbitrary boundaries and use them to delineate ‘myself’, which is simply against the facts of life.
I can see those last bits of pride hanging on, that ‘I’ must maintain ‘myself’ in whatever obscure fashion, it seems ‘I’ don’t know anything other than to do just that. So yes it is altruistic self sacrifice that will end the drama. But it seems like this direction has the key for it all to unfold.
What I am doing is committing to remaining in this place of “moving towards actuality” or “staying quiet enough to listen to actuality” each moment again. Not unlike prior to stepping out from control I had made the commitment to allow pure intent each moment again no matter what.
It seems all the ingredients are in place, they have been for a while now I think but ‘I’ have been busy finding distractions.
Well today was an impactful day! Ever I inch closer to that final goal
I am increasingly unwilling to do anything other than focus all my effort and energy on having this last step finally happen. Working from home alone as will be my situation for the next few days, provides ample opportunity for this!
I found that I was continually drawn into doing ‘something’ with my time, scrolling on Twitter, watching political content, etc. And getting really engaged with various topics. I wondered why this was, why can’t I just ‘sit still’? It seemed like something was amiss to be driven to do such things
I came to see it was an expression of procrastinating on doing the work I have to do, which is proving to be tricky… the work feels hard, and then I avoid it by getting engaged with other stuff. It came down to it that I was feeling like I have to prove ‘my’ value – and as work was too hard then this caused anxiety which I was then coping with by getting detailed into other topics, essentially to prove ‘my’ value that-a-way
I ended up sitting tight on the couch for a while, computer and phone both far away, to basically get myself to really look into all this
I was essentially seeing that the reason I felt I had to prove ‘my’ value was to maintain ‘myself’. And I was looking at whether I really have to do that – I mean I knew I didn’t since the goal was to self-immolate, but there was a lot of fear underlying the acceptance of this.
Went for a walk with the dog and was reflecting more on it. Essentially I came to see that what I was wanting to do was to preserve ‘myself’ yet without all these ‘bad parts’ like fear, anxiety, needing to prove ‘myself’, etc. I already knew of course that it is impossible – because ‘I’ am those ‘bad parts’, it’s not that ‘I’ am something that can be pure and that just has ‘bad parts’ that can be removed.
And I felt this was really unfair! Why can’t I preserve myself?
The way I saw it then was really very simple: whether it is fair or unfair, it is the fact of the universe. This is ‘my’ nature – maybe in a cosmic sense it didn’t “have” to be this way, but for a human on this planet, that is how it is. So I can either self-immolate to actually solve the problem of the human condition, or I can remain and continue being the problem and being these bad parts. There is just no way around it. It is a fact just as much as it’s a fact that this body will die one day.
Seeing that it is a fact totally resolved the unfairness feeling – and then I felt relief! I saw it was a relief, because I knew the choice I am making is to do what is of actual benefit to the human species (and it’s wondrous I can do this and contribute to this!) – and so I don’t have to maintain ‘myself’ any longer. This I felt as a wonderful relief.
Further along in the walk I was still feeling fear and anxiety came up, and then a most wondrous realization struck, that: I don’t have to be afraid anymore either! Fear is how ‘I’ manifest in order to protect this body. Yet I am not needed to protect this body anymore. This is yet another burden I can lay down!
This relief was felt to be tremendous and I couldn’t even process it all at once. So I kept reflecting and contemplating it and the ramifications of the relief I am still processing. I don’t have to feel fear or be afraid anymore! What a tremendous relief. This fear which I have felt/been my entire life, and caused such problems and discomfort, and has not been fun at all – I can leave it behind just like anything else!
On many an occasion I experienced myself to be so so very close to the actual world. Like I just have to take a tiny ‘step’ and then I’d be right there! The richness and sweetness, just on the other ‘side’ of… something. I even tried taking a physical step but it didn’t work haha. But moving my hand in front of and behind my head, I was trying to see where does actuality start/end and where ‘I’ begin/end… and the border is not clear at all. Walking outside I experienced the stillness, how still actuality really is, and walking along one part of track I experienced myself as somehow a still/fixed/unmoving point whilst the body was ambling along – it seemed a bit odd, reminding me of Geoffrey wrote to Vineeto here:
GEOFFREY: Some versions [of Geoffrey’s report of becoming free] include the fact that this ‘process’ took a few seconds to unfold. Seconds during which I was somehow ‘stuck’, like characters in cartoons can stay still in the middle of a jump – although I was still physically walking. By my recollection I’d say it took around four seconds. No. 9(AF) later told me his own guess was from 2 to 5 seconds, probably 3-4.
V Geoffrey re towards Full Freedom
However it didn’t culminate in self-immolation. I do appear to be on the right track though!
Another funny image that I delighted in, as it was original, is how I was thinking of various conversations and ‘positions’ and ‘worldviews’ I am holding, and I thought how it’s delightful in that I don’t even have to leave a “calling card” as a placeholder for ‘me’ for when I leave (such as for people to be able to find ‘me’ again and resume it), I can just disappear entirely haha
Ok that is all for now!
It’s always interesting when we both seem to be circling the same territory. This thing of value is an interesting one because it is clear from the PCE that each human being has intrinsic value/preciousness/integrity simply due to what they are. From that viewpoint of the PCE it is indeed bizarre that a fellow human being should have to “earn their value”, indeed it is a perversion that this is what is going on.
From reading your post it seems that for both me and you the ingredients are already in place (perhaps for everybody?) and yet it seems as if the answer requires something ‘extra’ to be done, indeed as if actual freedom is to be earned like ‘my’ value is. It seems to me that it is actually in the other direction, that actual freedom rather than something to be earned is simply claiming one’s birthright. This birthright belongs to each and every human being, simply because of what they [already] are.