Sorry to hear of your troubles @scout
Although I don’t have any experience with the type of issues you describe, I wonder if this would help… it basically comes down to that there are aspects about life that you don’t want to be the way they are, this is outside of your control, and you feel that the only or only appropriate way to react to this is with anguish, misery, hate, self-hate, self-abuse and grief.
Yet there is one common aspect that nearly every feeling-being can relate to that they don’t want it to be that way: namely that one day we will die! We have absolutely no say in the matter. Death will come for us all, we are all mortal. And no matter how much we don’t want it to be that way, we can’t change it. Whether we believe in a God that gives us an afterlife or not, or try to build a legacy for our children, or any of these things, they’re all just ways to try to avoid the inevitable.
However rather than trying to change the fact, what about accepting the fact? Accept the fact and embrace the fact that one day that will be the end. I wrote about this recently and it was transformative:
In other words, try to really let it sink in, over even picture it, that your consciousness will end, and for the rest of all eternity, it will not exist anymore, you will not exist anymore!
Now considering that, and work backwards a little – how is it that you want to live the time you do have left?
Of course it would be preferable to have your health issues cured rather than not, but considering you can’t change that for now… how do you want to be experiencing this, your only moment of being alive? Do you really want to live in anguish and self-pity and hate and pain for the rest of your days until the end? Or would you rather take the opportunity to live it as best you can?
I’m not sure if it will help but, it really helped put things into perspective for me. I am curious if you will find it helpful at all!
Best regards,
Claudiu