The weather has finally taken a turn for the better in the UK and I’m really enjoying my commute to work and home. I’ve been playing a little game with myself in the car on how much I can amp up enjoying and appreciating the journey 
. The upside of this game is that I arrive to my work happy, light, enjoying catching up with my collegues, but from there I will go back and forth between feeling “normal”, bad, or enjoying and appreciating. On the way home I find myself just simply happy to be here, not necersarily looking foward to seeing Kuba or Poncho although it is a plus that they are there, but I am enjoying life either way. There is no downside 
.
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Sonya: The weather has finally taken a turn for the better in the UK and I’m really enjoying my commute to work and home.
I’ve been playing a little game with myself in the car on how much I can amp up enjoying and appreciating the journey. The upside of this game is that I arrive to my work happy, light, enjoying catching up with my colleagues, but from there I will go back and forth between feeling “normal”, bad, or enjoying and appreciating. On the way home I find myself just simply happy to be here, not necessarily looking forward to seeing Kuba or Poncho although it is a plus that they are there, but I am enjoying life either way. There is no downside
. (link)
Hi Sonya,
This is good news indeed.
I noticed you said that “the weather has finally taken a turn for the better” – does this mean you couldn’t enjoy the rain as well? It can be so cozy sitting in the dry, with the sound of the rain pounding on the roof or gently watering the land, washing everything clean, feeding the vegetation and giving it all an additional sparkle when the sun peeks through. Why should only sunny days provide reason for enjoyment and appreciation?
The other question which arose from reading your report – when you say you “go back and forth between feeling “normal”, bad, or enjoying and appreciating”. What is it that triggers your feeling good dipping into “normal”, let alone “bad”. When you are back to feeling good, is there a way for you to go back to the event and identify the trigger and investigate the cause so that it won’t happen again next time?
Something like this for instance –
Richard: What the identity inhabiting this flesh and blood body all those years ago would do is first get back to feeling good and then, and only then, suss out where, when, how, why – and what for – feeling bad happened as experience had shown ‘him’ that it was counter-productive to do otherwise.
What ‘he’ always did however, as it was often tempting to just get on with life then, was to examine what it was all about within half-an-hour of getting back to feeling good (while the memory was still fresh) even if it meant sometimes falling back into feeling bad by doing so … else it would crop up again sooner or later.
Nothing, but nothing, can be swept under the carpet. (Richard, AF List, No. 68c, 31 May 2005).
Just a thought so that you are not at the whim of your emotions but can eliminate the triggers for a dipping in your good mood once and for all. Some triggers may require a bit of contemplation – are they just a habit, or is the a dearly-held concept of belief, or a special pet-peeve for feeling annoyed?
Once you get the hang of it is fun to solve those puzzles, with the reward is that these triggers won’t stir you up anymore.
Cheers Vineeto
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Hi Vineeto,
I do enjoy the rain sometimes. Mostly when I’m inside but definitely not when the cold wind is blowing and my umbrella is being turned inside out or when im driving on the motorway 
. Although, I very much used to enjoy the monsoon storms when I was younger in Malaysia. My favourite weather is straight after it has finished raining in the spring, I find everything has this extra richness and the smell of wet earth to be captivating. I enjoy both rain and sunshine but do have a preferance. I think I was just getting excited about the evidence of summer coming through to the UK after a long couple months of constant rain.
Yes, I am definitley aware of what triggers my feeling good into “normal” or “bad”. It is always the exact same thing at work 
, which I have been noting each time and I have been progressively been able to get back to feeling good quicker and quicker when noticing that I’m not feeling good anymore. I have yet to nip it in the bud so it doesn’t happen again. I find that I struggle when investigating to get past a certain point, I can often find what the belief is that is preventing me from feeling good but to get further than that to nip in the bud is where I fail.
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Sonya: Hi Vineeto,
I do enjoy the rain sometimes. Mostly when I’m inside but definitely not when the cold wind is blowing and my umbrella is being turned inside out or when I’m driving on the motorway. Although, I very much used to enjoy the monsoon storms when I was younger in Malaysia. My favourite weather is straight after it has finished raining in the spring, I find everything has this extra richness and the smell of wet earth to be captivating. I enjoy both rain and sunshine but do have a preference. I think I was just getting excited about the evidence of summer coming through to the UK after a long couple months of constant rain.
Hi Sonya,
That is good to hear, especially when you say, “everything has this extra richness and the smell of wet earth to be captivating”.
Vineeto: The other question which arose from reading your report – when you say you “go back and forth between feeling “normal”, bad, or enjoying and appreciating”. What is it that triggers your feeling good dipping into “normal”, let alone “bad”. When you are back to feeling good, is there a way for you to go back to the event and identify the trigger and investigate the cause so that it won’t happen again next time?
Sonya: Yes, I am definitely aware of what triggers my feeling good into “normal” or “bad”. It is always the exact same thing at work
, which I have been noting each time and I have been progressively been able to get back to feeling good quicker and quicker when noticing that I’m not feeling good anymore. I have yet to nip it in the bud so it doesn’t happen again. I find that I struggle when investigating to get past a certain point, I can often find what the belief is that is preventing me from feeling good but to get further than that to nip in the bud is where I fail. (link)
I wonder if you missed something in the actualism method. You see, being aware of your feelings is not enough, and sometimes something cannot be just nipped in the bud – it is keeps coming back again and again, which indicates that it is too complex. It may be that you need to look for a belief or a moral/ethical concept, a pattern of emotional reactions to understand first, before you can conclude what it is and then make the decision that it’s not worth keeping it. There could be things like pride, competition, wanting it your way or rebellion against the other wanting it their way. Sometimes there is a ‘good’ feeling connected with it that needs uprooting as well.
Saying you are “aware of what triggers my feeling good into ‘normal’ or ‘bad’” you have a good start to dig deeper into this stumbling block.
Here is something feeling being ‘Vineeto’ wrote about it –
Respondent: Maybe I could make this a little clearer … When I label the feeling and investigate it, is there a further technique for getting rid of the feeling that I am having? Or is it observing the feelings as they happen that lessens their grip?
‘Vineeto’: Personally, observing the feeling was not enough – I had my fair share of this observing business in my spiritual years and the only result was detachment. In actualism I look for the cause that prevents me from being happy and harmless in this moment and mostly, seeing and understanding the cause, coupled with sincere intent, is sufficient to get me back to feeling happy again. If not, then I need to dig a bit deeper why my feeling of worry, misery, anger, love, loneliness, etc persists, for instance I need to look for a particular pattern, or habit, or a perceived advantage that persuades me to choose to be miserable. (Actualism, Vineeto, Gen. Corr., No. 11a, 27.12.2006)
There is more in ‘Vineeto’s’ reporting about how ‘she’ used the actualism method here if you are interested.
Cheers Vineeto
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Thanks Vineeto, I think you’re right. I only seem to go so far as observing the feeling and the reason why it keeps coming back up is because I need to dig deeper. When I think about it, in the past when I’ve tried to there’s been a resistance, almost like a mental block which I can’t seem to get past so i’d kinda poke around it for a little while and then leave it. I probably need to be more persistant and stubborn with myself that I will get to the bottom of it! I’ll have a go at it 
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Sonya: Thanks Vineeto, I think you’re right. I only seem to go so far as observing the feeling and the reason why it keeps coming back up is because I need to dig deeper. When I think about it, in the past when I’ve tried to there’s been a resistance, almost like a mental block which I can’t seem to get past so i’d kinda poke around it for a little while and then leave it. I probably need to be more persistant and stubborn with myself that I will get to the bottom of it! I’ll have a go at it
This is what we were talking about the other day, to develop a fascination (eventually becoming an obsession) with how ‘I’ tick, because ‘my’ condition is the ‘human condition’. Eventually it is that ‘I’ must find out / ‘I’ cannot stay oblivious etc. Once the fascination segues into an obsession then it can no longer be left untouched, the cool side effect is that life becomes fascinating, and others become fascinating likewise.
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Vineeto’s two points combined with Adam’s two points.
I am literally eating popcorn here. Haha
Less cryptically though,
Being one’s own best friend involves a perfect acceptance of oneself combined with an unwavering desire for the very best for oneself. Which has a very tango dance movement involved, a sensation of back and forth where one is pushing forward, but never in opposition with oneself but also , sometimes, needing some gentle encouragement to get more of the best of oneself, for oneself.
Hehe
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This is what I was “riffing” off. Basically, yes and no. You won’t get anywhere being any sort of harsh with yourself, but there is a dance involved. One I am literally days into discovering.
I have had a couple of solid days through that “dance”. Being as perfectly accepting of myself as possible, while also nudging myself towards the very best for myself.
Srinath said it years ago; any animosity towards the ‘real world’ only strengthens it.
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Hi Sonya,
Ah, I remember the “mental block” from ‘Vineeto’s explorations. You probably found out that there is some kind of a fear causing it. And because it’s a block, you can’t break it with gusto, it would only grow harder. So you gently, like a friend, chip at it, enquire into it, each time a little further, until it reveals what is hiding behind.
Kuba’s suggestion (link) of being fascinated will help you too – like a puzzle you can’t leave alone, a personal mystery you want to solve, for your own benefit. And suddenly there it is – ah, that’s what it was … and then you might say, ‘I wonder why I made such a fuss about it?’
As I said, it is a fun game – very sincere and personal – but not serious.
Cheers Vineeto
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Hi Vineeto,
Thanks for the helpful advice. After a few days of putting it into practice and chiping at it bit by bit, I’m finding that the situation that keeps coming up at work where I start feeling irritated is getting easier to look at. I am finding less and less validation to hold on to feeling bad. It helped to step back, look at the whole picture and the facts. As well as see the person I was getting irritated at as just another fellow human being, like myself, trying their best. It’s not entirely gone yet but It does feel like the hold on me has very much weakened. Now, when it comes up and I look at it, it’s more like a ball of cotton I can keep picking at rather than a hard wall of mental block. It also helped me to remember that It won’t just be one thing that would trigger the feeling bad but it can be group of beliefs/morals etc.
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I’ve consistently remembered my dreams for the past 4 days! For as long as I could remember I would say that I didn’t dream, or if I did remember one it was very rare. I’m taking this as a good sign!
I’ve noticed a turning point recently of being more acutely aware to what I’m feeling in each moment. Like it’s turned into a habit now and I’m not repressing being my feelings as much, so I have a inkling some of it has maybe manifested into remembering my dreams or being able to dream
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Very cool!
Over that last year I started talking in my dreams. Which I do not remember ever doing. Not all the time though.
I enjoy dreaming. When I wake up and it’s been a disappointing session of dreaming, it’s a matter of, “ok, back to sleep then!” Sometimes that last 30 mins can be the best!
So, I’d like to report that after months of head banging on the same wall about a situation at work. I’ve finally just decided to stop the nonsense 
. I noticed that each time I was getting upset there was a point where I choose to go down this path, backed up by whatever morals or beliefs.
I finally decided to stop when the situation came to a point where it was clear that I had the choice to remain feeling bad or punish the person for having ‘wronged me’, or see the situation as it is and see there is no reason, no point, no advantage to choose to feel bad about this. I gave myself a time limit to choose whichever path to go to as I had to spend a full day travelling to London and attending events with this person the next day. I was given the option not to go but I decided to put my money where my mouth is, choose to go and choose to let go of this feeling bad that I was so bent on keeping alive. Im glad to say it was easier than I thought and less of a choice, rather a “this makes more sense”, I guess with enough running into the same dead end I actually became sick of feeling this way.
We ended up having a lovely day in London and we are back at work with nicer vibes in the office. From the outside it looks like i’ve ‘forgiven’ but it’s more like I would much rather spend my time being happy and harmless as much as I can whilst I’m alive rather than waste it feeling bad or making someone else feel bad. Just being reminded that we are all living life for the first/only time and what a waste it is to remain feeling bad. It kind of put into perspective that feeling bad does nothing ‘good’ at all.
Hopefully it won’t take months next time
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I would also like to say the vibes at home are immaculate atm 
. Just a general relaxed sweet atmosphere of enjoying each others company and enjoying our living room in the summer light. I don’t know what it is but it’s all been quite magical at home for me.
We’ve also got Kuba’s dad’s teenage golden retriever in the house at the moment and it’s been a joy interacting with him.
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Hi Sonya,
What a great story and a good lesson to yourself that whenever you are holding onto a grudge out of taking offence (righteous indignation) you primarily hurt yourself (by feeling bad), apart from affecting the atmosphere of those around you. In a bigger context it can be an eye-opener how a strong sense of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ is afflicting your interactions and that it “makes more sense” to emotionally accept what maybe intellectually unacceptable. It is particularly delightful that you could see how easy it was to dissolve once you determined that enough is enough – nothing else was needed.
You may find this informative –
Respondent: … stuff like righteous anger or other person feeling superior and acting cocky and insulting/ castigating/ ignoring me, my point of view opposed, etc., or I feeling superior to the other and doing the same.
Richard: Sure, there is a whole range of reasons for getting angry (which vary according to different situations and circumstances) … maybe the following will be of assistance in regards righteous anger (aka indignation):• [Richard]: ‘One of the major issues the identity inhabiting this flesh and blood body all those years ago attended to very early in the piece was the indignation – ‘anger excited by a sense of wrong, or by injustice, wickedness, or misconduct; righteous anger’ (Oxford Dictionary) – which had dogged him from almost as early as ‘he’ could remember (‘he’ was often moved to indignancy because of injustice/ unfairness whilst still in grade school for instance) as righteousness, being oh-so-readily justifiable, is such an insidious feeling’. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 79, 9 February 2005).
• [Richard]: ‘… one of the most persistent forms of anger is indignation (or righteous anger/ justifiable anger): it can be eradicated rather simply by the realisation that its raison d’être – a guardian against injustice, unjustness, unfairness, inequality (partiality, discrimination, and so on) – is as much a human invention as those concepts it defends … justice, justness, fairness, equality (impartiality, indiscrimination, and so on).
I have touched upon this elsewhere: (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 66, 27 April 2005).• [Richard]: ‘There is no ‘chaos’ and ‘order’ as a ‘sub-stratum of the universe’ … they are but human inventions and do not exist in actuality. The same applies to fairness/ unfairness, justice/ injustice and any other human concepts that, whilst being useful for human-to-human interaction, are futility in action when applied to the universe. Male logic is as useless as female intuition when it comes to being free: the everyday reality of the ‘real-world’ is a veneer ‘I’ paste over the top of the pristine actual world by ‘my’ very being … and ‘being’ is the savage/ tender instinctual passions (giving rise to feelings of malice/ love and sorrow/ compassion etc., with the resultant concepts of bad/ good and evil/ god and so on) which cripples intelligence by invariably producing dualistic concepts. ‘Tis all a fantasy … feelings rule in the human world’. (Richard, List B, No. 33c, 3 August 2000).
Put simply: nature is neither fair nor just – a volcanic eruption (for just one instance) does not discriminate between who or what it obliterates/ destroys – and thus coupled with the basic resentment at having to be alive in the first place is the further grievance that life is inequitable/ iniquitous. (Richard, AF List, No. 76, 16 Jun 2005).
Sonya: We ended up having a lovely day in London and we are back at work with nicer vibes in the office. From the outside it looks like I’ve ‘forgiven’ but it’s more like I would much rather spend my time being happy and harmless as much as I can whilst I’m alive rather than waste it feeling bad or making someone else feel bad. Just being reminded that we are all living life for the first/ only time and what a waste it is to remain feeling bad. It kind of put into perspective that feeling bad does nothing ‘good’ at all.
Ha, you are so right, “feeling bad does nothing ‘good’ at all”. And the outcome of you deciding to be sensible (at last, after much suffering) was having had “a lovely day” and “nicer vibes in the office”. Instant confirmation that you made a thoroughly sensible decision.
It’s fortunate you haven’t used forgiveness to resolve the situation. You may have read the audio-taped dialogue how “Compassion Gained Through Forgiveness Binds” –
R: (…)
Q(1): Well, that’s what you do: you love them through forgiveness.
Q(2): And for me, forgiving means I’m finishing with that hate … and the opposite of it.
Q(1): You’re finished with love?
Q(2): Hate and forgiveness is the same thing … the opposite of hate … with a parent it is forgiving them and having compassion. And to do both – first you emphasise the hate, then you emphasise the forgiveness. And for me that was a complete way of getting rid of both. Getting rid of the relationship to the parent – they’re not ‘The Parents’ any more. I’m not a ‘Child’ of my parents. I’m a free human being and I can actually decide what to do with my life and I’m not … I can see this and this and this is a conditioning I got from them – and they didn’t know better – so I don’t need to hate them for it and I don’t need to forgive them for it …
R: Good. For if you do forgive you are still trapped because forgiveness gives rise to …
Q(2): No. Forgiveness is just there to balance the hate – because when you end up with just hating them you’re still trapped from the relationship.
R: Of course – trapped by hate. But the people who forgive have compassion. It is inevitable. Then one is trapped by the very compassion that seeks to cure the hate. There is still a relationship because compassion is but an antidote won through the act of forgiveness.
Q(2): For me it’s a completion. For me it eliminates the hate and the forgiveness. For if there is no hate, where is there forgiveness anymore? There is just an understanding that they live their life and I live my life.
R: Well, that is excellent then. Look at the parent’s situation and see that it is not their fault that they are as they are for they are the result of their parent’s conditioning and so on back into the mists of time. Everybody is a victim.
Q(2): It took me some time to integrate it – I had to do the group eight times!
R: Do you know of anyone else who has come to this understanding of absolutely no need for forgiveness of their parents? You are the first person I have met who has done this course who has said there is no need for forgiveness.
Q(2): I don’t know … I would have to ask. I know there is no forgiveness because I’ve just visited my parents and there is nothing there.
R: Mmm … because most people get trapped in the forgiveness – and the compassion which is the inevitable outcome. Therefore there is still a relationship, there is still a link, a connection. It is a heart connection. With this connection they still remain ‘parents’. They do not become what they actually are, which is fellow human beings.
Q(2): Well, if they were totally ‘fellow human beings’ for me, then I wouldn’t have gone to visit them. So there is still something there that I …
R: So what is this connection?
Q(2): I don’t know … well they spent twenty years bringing me up … and … and now they are in their seventies …
R: Is there a loyalty? (Richard, Audio-taped dialogues, The Compassion Gained Through Forgiveness Binds)
Sonya: Hopefully it won’t take months next time. (link)
The way to avoid wasting more time this way by feeling bad is to learn not to take offence in the first place. It takes a bit of affective awareness working out what belief or principle or attitude it is causing you to take umbrage at what someone says or does, and then recognize that each of those beliefs/ principles is not worth sacrificing feeling good, no matter how just or virtuous they are. Besides, the only person you can, and need to change is yourself.
Cheers Vineeto
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I’ve been having such a wonderful time lately, it’s like my normal baseline of experiencing has been amped up. When I do notice my enjoying and appreciating dipping to “normal” it’s easy to find my way back to that magical place. 
I’m finding that the “real world” dramas that do pop up don’t have too much of a hold over me anymore like I can’t go back to my “normal” way of experiencing anymore. I think being in Portugal and having such a wonderful time with everyone amping up the fun, intimacy, playfulness, sensuality, naïveté. All of it really did a number haha I was experiencing firsthand, for myself, how easy it is and how it just makes sense. How could I ever go back! I certainly don’t want to but I don’t think I could .
I also think I had another intimacy experience the other day when Kuba wanted me to try his ice coffee. I got up from the couch to take it from him and all of a sudden noticing the backdrop of our garden and Kuba reaching out with a yummy ice coffee in his hand and I was all a sudden very close, very direct and also felt very naked the feeling naked came in at the end and I noticed he was looking at me so I pulled back, but for a brief moment it was like I was seeing him for the first time but got shy . I’m glad I’m noticing when I pull back now but I feel like I’m teetering on an edge each time, but only for a moment.
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I was wondering last night why I can’t seem to allow a PCE to happen. I seem to almost allow it and have had a few intimacy experiences (i think) or “wow” moments I like to call them. I noticed last night as I was pondering this, that there is an insecurity there that am I actually experiencing what I think I’m experiencing? If that makes sense haha 
. Since I can’t remember a PCE or have had one recently, there’s always been an underlying “is this the right direction” vibe or am I bullshitting myself? I guess for me, I think I’m going in the right direction, but since I’m still unsure I guess I don’t allow myself to step back or relax into it and allow the PCE to happen.
I don’t know, maybe I need to have some confidence in myself? The experiences I have had have definitely been eye opening but yet, I’m unsure if I’m just “copy, pasting” what I’ve read from others onto my experience. I definitely feel some sort of yo yo effect like “oh this must be it I’m so sure” but also “ Am I sure or am I just tricking myself cause I really want it?”
ahhh
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Hi Sonya,
Awesome to see you on here with so many posts! I remember a few years ago when actualism seemed more like a curiosity to you, I’m glad you’ve been having so much success.
I wonder if it could be related to this:
That feeling of ‘naked’ is very vulnerable and I think we habitually get it mixed up with all ‘my’ messiness & dirtiness which we don’t want others to see! That’s part of why being friends with ourselves and connecting to naivete & sincerity is so important… that is the space from which we like ourselves, we can see that we do care, and from that position we don’t have to hide anymore… in fact becoming more and more exposed is valuable, as that allows us to see the mess that we are, which also makes more and more clear the direction to go
And of course that pulling back is very natural, in some way or another all of us on the forum are doing that excepting the free folks
Very happy to read your reports here & from Portugal, it is creating a ‘backdraft’ that many of us have been pulled along by, certainly myself!
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For the PCE itself there is no denying it when it does happen, it is very obvious. As the memory becomes more distant though the identity can cloud it somewhat.
For everything leading up to the PCE though it is trickier, luckily the actualism website is a wonderful resource of affective descriptions of where you want to be, what is closer and further, and the process of the actualist is in many ways sniffing our way closer to that.
You may have noticed @claudiu writing about his big takeaway from the convivium that he was fooling himself somewhat with this though! And that having PCEs and having that more genuine guidepost is essential for him at this time.
However, if you don’t find PCEs accessible, and can’t easily remember one, then setting the aim of having one is a very worthy goal.
This is one quote from Richard where he describes how to have a PCE:
RICHARD: Just this: the more one enjoys and appreciates simply being alive – to the point of excellence being the norm – the greater the likelihood of a PCE happening … a bored, nervous, scared, regretful, and etcetera, person has no chance whatsoever of allowing the magical event, which indubitably shows where everyone has being going awry, to occur.
It really is as straightforward as that.
One can allow PCEs to happen more frequently by more and more living in that happy and harmless space, and by more and more that intimate place (the ‘wow’ moments), and by not pulling back in those moments (allowing it to happen), at some point you will find yourself there!
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Hi Henry!
It’s good to see you back and thank you very much for your helpful replies . It is definitely a goal of mine to have a PCE, as many as possible haha. I’ve intentionally set this goal now after our wonderful trip to Portugal and realising how important it is. Part of setting this recent intention means that I’ve become more aware of what’s stopping me from reaching that goal. So far, I have picked up on things that I never wanted to admit to myself before or even want to see it so there is progress in that sense, as I can now pick up on it in the moment and see it for what it is and thus, the hold of it diminishes or disappears :). Even writing it down on this forum helps!
What I keep coming back to, that I can’t seem to resolve yet, is being fully confident that I am going in the right direction leading to a PCE. I keep coming back to “well I guess you’ll find out”. Maybe part of it is also being kind to myself that If I am going in the wrong direction, that is okay, just reorientate and try something else. And maybe I can’t wait to be fully be 100% confident before going for it, maybe I need to just go for it and see what happens?
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