Leila's journal

[leila]

Andrew , It is interesting that you find Persian language sensual.
i don’t know what “ sensual “ means for you ?

When i read it first i thought you mean Persian music .

edit and added : i am going to search about “cluster C” type personality disorders …

by AI…

Cluster C personality disorders are grouped by anxious and fearful behaviors, including Avoidant, Dependent, and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD), characterized by intense insecurity, fear of rejection, perfectionism, and needing control, significantly impacting relationships and daily life, often treated with psychotherapy and sometimes medication.

Types of Cluster C Disorders

• Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD):

  Intense fear of criticism, rejection, or disapproval, leading to severe social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and avoidance of social situations or new activities.

• Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD):

  Pervasive need to be taken care of, often resulting in submissive, clinging behavior, difficulty making decisions, lack of self-confidence, and enduring poor treatment to avoid abandonment.

• Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD):

  Preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and control, leading to inflexibility, rigid adherence to rules, inability to delegate, and excessive devotion to work, often at the expense of relationships.

Common Characteristics

• Fear and Anxiety:

  A central theme across all three disorders, often manifesting as intense fear of judgment, rejection, or making mistakes.

• Interpersonal Difficulties:

  Behaviors often stem from a deep fear of negative outcomes in relationships, leading to either extreme avoidance (AvPD) or excessive clinging (DPD).

• Internal Conflict:

  Experiences significant distress and inner turmoil due to painful feelings about themselves and others.

these are all me

[leila]

This is the first time my heart does not beat fast by posting here .. i am very surprised …
and there is no fear about being criticized as well !
wow , this is fun now .

[Andrew]

Haha, nice one!

Yes it was really impactful to me to see especially the “Dependent Personality Disorder” descriptions. My last girlfriend was undiagnosed NPD (narcistic personality disorder_) of the “covert” type, which some experts say is properly not the same disorder as the “malignant or grandiose” versions of narcissism.

Watching Prof. Sam Vaknin (who is both NPD and ASPD) describe how both cluster C and Cluster B, both share a lack of “ego”. They are both characterized by “false selves” which are highly performative, always manipulating, and are emotionally two years old at best.

Large numbers of humans never “grow up”; rather through “objectification”, develop a performative personality which is more like an imaginary friend than the “normal” sense of ‘self’

Anyway, I hope you realize i wasn’t criticizing you, rather just discussing a topic which came to mind.

One of the things that i would say did start to change something fundamental in my outlook in late 2024, leading to a better 2025 as far as some honesty and less performance, was learning about that performative and manipulative “false self” that both cluster C and cluster B personalities share.

Although I have no idea if i was ever clinical, (which i doubt), i saw so much in the definitions that it made me stop and reflect on who it was that i was trying to be?

The “close up” experience of my last girlfriend also freed me from any judgements i had about such people. It really isn’t some moral failing, or some choice they made. These things are formed from the womb. Then I learnt that in some tangible way, I fit the description of a dependent personality, and there was some softness towards myself and the human condition, a tangential sideways glance at giving myself and others “a break”

[Vineeto]

Leila: Thank you both for your replies Andrew and Vineeto,
I am really seeing the silliness of my victim attitude, and I am willing to give it up … And my sympathy for myself for example about the limited food I can have, or my ill health.
I went and read, slowly and carefully, several times, the link you have provided Vineeto. It Is Either Silly Or Sensible

I learned I can (disconnect) or disentangle myself emotionally as Richard said: “To feel terrible, emotionally, on top of the physical pain is simply silly when it is possible to disentangle oneself, emotionally, and still feel good about being alive, about being here. This is being sensible, is it not? To feel good, if not happy, all the time?”
because adding feeling sorry to my condition makes it worse, when instead I can feel good, by feeling bad I lose this opportunity to enjoy and do something exciting with my life!

Hi Leila,

Now that you came this far in your understanding, having understood the contents of the Article ‘Silly or Sensible’, you can actually put this “sensible” knowledge into practice and gain some confidence that you can “disentangle myself emotionally” before thinking further.

Leila: (…)

p.s regarding insecurity, I read Felix had success in investigating “insecurity”. Is there a link to read his investigation? (link)

Here is my first reply to Felix’s post “regarding insecurity” –

>>Felix: When I look at my years of difficulty with this method, I see I was getting stuck in quite extreme anxiety most of the time when we’re talking about applying the method, or trying to have PCEs and stuff like that. I didn’t know what to do when I hit those barriers which I perceived as threatening. Feeling good seemed a literal impossibility no matter how hard I tried.
Now it’s totally different, anxiety or emotional pain or insecurity are just like a setting on the washing machine – not something to lean into or take seriously at all (other than to feel it fully and sincerely investigate). Don’t get me wrong, they are still powerful emotions – it’s just that I have a game plan when they take place now, one that doesn’t involve dissociation/ escape/ despair/ self-castigation/ further anxiety.
Vineeto: Hi Felix,
Welcome back.
You seemed to have used your time very successful, after a lot of trial and error, to finally succeed in finding “a game plan” which “doesn’t involve dissociation/ escape/ despair/ self-castigation/ further anxiety.”
This in itself is quite remarkable, especially to acknowledge, then recognize and decline dissociation and further to decline the follow-up above listed feelings as well.
Your last sentence confirms that it’s really working and it’s wonderful to read –
Felix: It’s crazy how when feeling good or beyond, this moment really is enough, and not something at all to be wasted.[Upload failed]
Vineeto: Cheers Vineeto (Actualvineeto, Felix, 2 June 2025)

The other post from Felix about insecurity with my reply I found here.

Cheers Vineeto

[leila]

Thank you Vineeto for providing the link for me .

And also my deep appreciation for what you are doing in helping us .

I have a question regarding Felix and Vineeto correspondent .

what does “ Splitting “ oneself mean ?
And what is the difference between “ splitting and dissociation “ ?

I understood that “ dissociation “ is for example when one says “ i have feelings “ , instead of saying “ i am my feelings” …

If someone would provide other examples of splitting …

Thank you

…………………………..

edit and adding : this is one example Felix wrote , but i don’t get it …

Felix : And what you say about “splitting” oneself is very apt, because at that point I’m becoming anxious that I’m feeling anxious – as well as the notions I mentioned of fears that I’ll never make it, that I’m not cut out for actualism, or that I’m wired “wrong”.

V – DAForum - Felix .

…………………………….

edit and adding :

these are the example of dissociation i just read ,

VINEETO to Felix: You are dissociating as long as you (instinctively) feel you can will/ force yourself to feel differently. To summarize and repeat the above –

1. Stop fighting

2. Stop blaming yourself (that in itself should result in getting back to feeling good)

3. Stop calling this ‘doing actualism’

4. Acknowledge and become aware that you are your feelings (your genetic heritage which all feeling being share)

5. Be the feeling without rejection or blame or escaping

6. Choose to be a different feeling (such as feeling good)

https://www.actualfreedom.com.au/actualism/actualvineeto/felix.htm#02Jun25:~:text=and%20dysfunctional/%20unsafe.-,VINEETO%3A%20You%20are%20dissociating%20as%20long%20as%20you%20(instinctively)%20feel,Choose%20to%20be%20a%20different%20feeling%20(such%20as%20feeling%20good),-FELIX%3A%20So

[Vineeto]

Leila: Thank you Vineeto for providing the link for me.
And also my deep appreciation for what you are doing in helping us.
I have a question regarding Felix and Vineeto correspondent.
what does “Splitting” oneself mean?
And what is the difference between “splitting and dissociation”?

By ‘splitting’ I mean when you have one aspect of your identity argue with another aspect of your identity, the same as what “internal conflict” means. It is a result of the perception of having feelings instead of the recognition that I am my feelings.

Leila: I understood that “dissociation” is for example when one says “I have feelings”, instead of saying “I am my feelings” …
If someone would provide other examples of splitting …
Thank you

In a way they are similar, dissociation however can be much more pronounced in one can be convinced that one is not angry, never angry, because one trained oneself that those feelings are not allowed. Splitting means you are aware of both sides of the internal argument as in ‘I am angry but I shouldn’t be’.

…………………………..

Leila: edit and adding : this is one example Felix wrote, but I don’t get it …

>>Felix: And what you say about “splitting” oneself is very apt, because at that point I’m becoming anxious that I’m feeling anxious – as well as the notions I mentioned of fears that I’ll never make it, that I’m not cut out for actualism, or that I’m wired “wrong”.

This is a great example of Felix becoming aware of previously dissociated, i.e. suppressed, feelings such as being anxious. But instead of being a friend to himself he castigates himself for being those feelings and thus compounds his anxiousness by being anxious about it. This results in an inner conflict. I am pleased to say that after a longish period of punishing himself this way he finally was able to leave all that behind and start feeling good (link)

In short, when you recognize an internal conflict/ argument with yourself, stop and acknowledge that you are your feelings and that the inner conflict is a distraction from the choice you have to be your feelings and thus have the choice to be feeling good instead.

Cheers Vineeto

[leila]

I just read in the news that China has threatened the United States that if it continues its attack on Iran, it will attack American ‘s “ home land “ , or its military bases ?!

I read this and exactly the feeling of anxiety, fear and worry that I have been feeling every day and for many hours in the past month and a half…

I was feeling a little better, until this attack on Iran began at the same time as the internet shutdown
and left us in a lot of darkness, worrying about getting news from our family…

After two weeks of the attack on Iran, we were able to miraculously communicate with one of our family members. Now he is our intermediary in getting news about our family’s situations.

In the meantime, worrying about their gas, electricity and water if they will be cut off and then worrying about their food, we were able to provide them with practical help, but I don’t allow myself to feel good at all.
Especially now that I hear the news of China’s threat to the United States, my feeling of anxiety has multiplied!

In the past 20 years, when I was in my 20s and 30s, I have been watching many political programs with my husband which most economists or leftist politicians talk about the Third World War… and this has always been my nightmare !

Now I am really worried… I can’t reduce this worry in any way… because I am afraid of missiles, of bombs… I am afraid of fire… I am afraid of the sounds of jets and missiles
I am afraid of losing my loved ones
There is no war yet , but I want to escape from America , but I can’t because Frank is not coming anywhere… As always, he is calm and I am anxious …

[Andrew]

Hi Leila,

I spent some time searching for the report you are referring to, and I only saw a report of someone claiming that unidentified drones were Chinese, and this person says that the drones mean that China was planning an attack. One person speculated about some ufo drones.

I watch a few videos, at least as much as I could stand, and there is no threat that China has made.

No news reports of any direct Chinese threat to the US.

In a broader scale, and I am a military “buff” as in I have been fascinated with military equipment since I was a kid, and have watch (and read) much on the subject (including biographies of Mao Tze Tung ) , ASIO reports on Chinese capabilities, videos on their actual battlefield performance (almost no experience outside it’s borders), its current status of army readiness….

There is no credible way that China has made any threat to attack the US, beyond the normal national posturing that China has been making my entire life.

By the way, if the CCP was to attack America, you would know if first by the fact I haven’t posted for a while, and the reports that Perth just got wiped off the map.

Why?

Well, let’s say you have a fleet of nuclear submarines, full of sailors who need to eat, who are you going to call if you are on station in the Indian Ocean?

China would wipe out all US interests in the east before attacking the western hemisphere. Australia (with my home town of Perth, and Garden Island Naval Base) would be the logical first strikes. That and Guam, and US bases in the Philippines, in Taiwan.

Once the capability to quickly strike back was taken out, then attacks on the US mainland would be feasible.

So, as far as I could find, China has made no such threat (apart from it’s usual posturing), and the US mainland is not in any danger.

Cheers

Andrew

Edit; I spent time since 2006 learning mandarin, and was in a relationship with a Taiwanese woman for 3 years. I was also in business with Chinese men for a while, operating out of guanzho So I have some insight into culture and attitudes. Look up “guanxi” if you would like to have a popular subject look at Chinese culture and attitudes.

Hint: China has no history of attacking people globally, unlike the US post WW2. Its last military excursion was a very small contingent of troops in Africa as part of a UN team. They performed very badly.

[leila]

Thank you so much Andrew for your reply .

This is the second time you are helping me with your words …the first one was the one with this sentence : “ (…) giving myself and others “a break”“ Leila's journal - #284 by Andrew

That day ,after I read your reply , I came home from my walks as I was preparing lunch for Frank , I felt an intense anger , I was telling myself : I dont want to prepare something that I cant eat “ , then I was fighting , i was telling my self I am not a good wife then ,I dont know what happened but I imagined someone like you is in the kitchen and is telling me right there “ this is understandable “ …and then couple of seconds later i was not angry anymore, and I came back to feeling good !

It was amazing ! and with this experience I found out how much is important to stop fighting my feelings as Vineeto wrote to Felix and everyone here ….
and your words in my mind " give your self a break " I accepted my feelings , I was one with the feeling , i was not against myself any more I guess …

Well , that kind of anger did not triggered anymore for the past two month …

So , last night hearing and reading about a temporary cease fire between Iran and US , when i was holding my breath preparing for hearing about attacking Iran’s infrastructure, I was so happy with tears in my eyes , after many many days !

Today I still felt anxiety , I told myself : “ wait a minute , maybe this anxiety does not depend on out side , this is me , Leila ‘s way “ …

So I guess this is a good news as well …So many good news …

[Andrew]

Hi Leila,

I found myself in a bit of a social identity “loyalty crisis “ over this conflict. Indeed being on the other side of the planet, with only a single acquaintance in Tehran, (a programmer I paid to work on a program for a while 6 years ago), there is only the normal emotional charge of watching, yet another, needless war perpetrated by the military industrial complex and it puppet states.

That’s not just America, by the way. That’s all part of the manipulation that we are born into . We believe countries exist, when in reality immensely rich and powerful are , and have always been, creating these fictions for us to believe in.

Anyway, to the “loyalty crisis “. Having been in three relationships with Russians, and one with a Ukrainian, I has a lot of emotional charge over the invasion of Ukraine. This latest excuse for another war, now with Iran as the target put me, the ‘me’ invested in the end of the Ukraine war, in a conundrum.

Iran has been supporting and supplying equipment to Russia the entire war. This then immediately put me on notice, and started the obvious looking at how I had taken emotional sides.

This had a positive effect in that it made me question my loyalties more generally to “progressive politics “ and what is called the “left” . I started to see that everyone is highly manipulated by these loyalties. So much so that they can side with an entire nation against another nation! Neither of which has the individual any control over.

Anyway, this has all tangential meaning to the very immediate threat to Iranian lives, many of whom you know. I am not suggesting this is even useful! It seemed an appropriate enough way of introducing some perspective on the way this is unfolding in someone who was suddenly “caught out” being loyal to national identities.

Cheers

Andrew

[leila]

Hi Andrew

So , from what you wrote this “loyalty crisis “ is the chain attached to “ nurture “ maybe that triggers the worrying emotion ?!

For example, for me, the war between Russia and Ukraine or anywhere else on Earth did not trigger any emotions at all, meaning I did not care about this issue at all , Until this attack on Iran began,
It was as if a part of my identity was being destroyed maybe ?

After your talk, it becomes clear that it is my social identity (nationalist identity) that has been the reason for my suffering and torment during this time…

And how to free myself from this nationality is a difficult task for me.

But knowing that my worry doesn’t help anyone…it doesn’t stop bombs from falling on people’s heads…It has always been like this , this war is the human condition…even this war within me, which, as Srinath said, extends to the border of world wars…

for example , one day I hate some people ,and I wished them to die , then I love some other people , then I hate myself, then again and again I repeat this …

So now I can see my worry for the people of Iran as something silly meaning not beneficial .

And when I see my anxiety, which remains even without this attack
And I have fed it even more by running away from it

And More than anything else , I worry that my life will be short and that I will get sick

Sometimes the pain in my body makes me feel even more insecure…

So this cycle of anxiety, insecurity, discomfort which is “ me “ is like a chain preventing this body from being here and enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive which is going to be short anyway …

[leila]

Hi everyone

There are a few obstacles that I really can’t figure out why I can’t get over them ,As I’ve written in my journal before, this desire to eat food rather than what is good for me , when I cook for Frank, I want to eat that food, or the excitement of eating new food, which is always followed by a couple of days of illness and then when I get back to feeling well again, I feel worried about getting sick and dying, etc…

I really haven’t been able to help myself get over this difficult obstacle ؛ For a few days I can just eat rice and apples, but then it is like I’m looking for a excitement and it’s always either food or shopping for nice clothes, and then I’m sick or trying to return those clothes with lots of effort , because I realize how ridiculous they are , and that they’re not worth the money, so the desire to wear nice clothes is much easier to get over with , but not for food at all…

When I am healthy, I feel well, sometimes I wish Frank would eat only rice and apples just like me, but it is not possible …

I don’t know what emotions exactly are driving me to think about new foods, foods that might not be good for me…and then the stomach aches and strange aches in my body!

Some nights when I can’t sleep because of consuming wrong food , I think about these things, and I wonder in disbelief at my condition ؛ why or how I am doing these things ?
How is it that I am so tempted to think and imagine about foods without considering the bad consequences!!!
Only I can help myself I know , but it feels like my brain is like a donkey’s brain!
Can this sadness and this emptiness ever end, or is it me who won’t let it end?

[edzd]

Gosh Leila, if you’re just eating rice and apples it’s no wonder why you might be craving some other foods. Are you on the BRAT diet or something? I’m not a dietary expert, but perhaps there’s room to branch out from just eating rice and apples. If you expand your diet slowly you’ll be in a better position for when you inevitably “slip up” and eat some more exciting food.

@leila

when I cook for Frank, I want to eat that food

Well yeah, I’d imagine his food is more enticing, filling, and nourishing. However given you’ve been mostly subsisting on rice and apples, it’s probably hard on your stomach to make the leap to eating foods that are rich and well seasoned.

@leila

I feel worried about getting sick and dying, etc…

Not to give you something else to worry about, but I would be worried about getting sick and dying by subsisting exclusively rice and apples.

@leila

How is it that I am so tempted to think and imagine about foods without considering the bad consequences!!!

What about the consequences of eating only rice and apples? There could be a chance you’re currently malnourished. It may explain the strange aches in your body.

As for the shopping, the way you describe it makes it seem like it’s a vehicle used for happiness and it’s no longer delivering the goods. People often return to old activities in an attempt to chase the fulfillment that they once brought. Now that you’ve repeated the cycle of enticement and guilt enough times, you could keep that in mind the next time feel the “temptation” to buy new clothes. Knowing where it all leads tends to make the activity seem pointless. Of course generally speaking there’s nothing wrong with buying new clothes.

But maybe all the drama makes you feel alive. I don’t know.

@leila

but it feels like my brain is like a donkey’s brain!

That brain is what you are It’s not “yours.” It could probably use some extra calories to work a little better.

If you don’t mind me asking, why do you eat only rice and apples?

[leila]

Hi edzd

I wished I had waited till I come back to feeling good , then write that post , I did this again ! Now I regret and sad about it …

Well if I had applied Richard’s method correctly moment to moment , I would have been at least virtually free by now !

I must have confused people here with my writings , I see that I am a bad contributor to this forum !
feeling sad again !

So, let me come back to feeling good or at least feeling neutral edzd , and then I come back and reply to your writings .

Cheers

[Vineeto]

Leila to Ed: I wished I had waited till I come back to feeling good, then write that post, I did this again! Now I regret and sad about it …
Well if I had applied Richard’s method correctly moment to moment, I would have been at least virtually free by now!
I must have confused people here with my writings, I see that I am a bad contributor to this forum!
Feeling sad again!
So, let me come back to feeling good or at least feeling neutral, Ed, and then I come back and reply to your writings. (link)

Hi Leila,

There is a famous poem from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow – a revered American poet and educator (1807-1882) – called “A Psalm of Life”, and many schoolchildren had to learn it by heart – it summarizes and represents a quasi-religious depiction of what life is in the real world. Here are just three stanzas –

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave. (…)

It seems you have inadvertently transferred this near-ubiquitous paradigm of life-in-the-real-world to what you read of actualism and turned it into a real-world chore with a moral score, adding more blame and sorrow to the misery you already experience.

Let me make it simple with a piece of writing from Richard, which I quoted to Ed only yesterday –

Richard: Look, the whole point of minimising both the malicious/ sorrowful feelings (the ‘bad’ feelings) and their antidotal loving/ compassionate feelings (the ‘good’ feelings) whilst maximising the felicitous/ innocuous feelings (the ‘congenial’ feelings) is to make for a potent combination when this untrammelled conviviality operates in conjunction with a naïve sensuosity – whereby one is both likeable and liking – such that the benevolence and benignity of pure intent may increasingly become dynamically enabled for one purpose and one purpose alone … to wit: for the already always existing peace-on-earth to become apparent, in this lifetime, as this flesh-and-blood body. [Emphases added]. (Richard, List D, Martin, 6 Mar 2016).

Whenever this is not your purpose then using “Richard’s method” is a waste of time at best and counterproductive to your well-being to boot, so you might as well desist and decline applying it as a moral code, relax and have one set of morality less with which to beat yourself up.

*

As for sorting out facts from fiction – if you are indeed doing something akin to the BRAT diet as Ed supposed (link) – here are two entries which caught my attention on Google AI –

Why is the BRAT diet no longer recommended?
The BRAT diet (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast) is no longer recommended because it is overly restrictive, lacks essential nutrients, and fails to support gastrointestinal recovery. Health organizations like the American Academy of Pediatrics now advise resuming a normal, balanced diet as soon as possible. *(Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials)
*
Why Medical Experts Shifted Away from BRAT
Lack of Key Nutrients: Following the diet for more than 24 hours can lead to malnutrition and energy deficits. It lacks protein, fat, fiber, and essential vitamins (like B12) needed to help your body heal. (Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials)

You surely can find more detailed information and then sort out the facts when you put your mind to it.

Cheers Vineeto

[jamesjjoo]

leila, for what it’s worth I have a couple of suggestions for improving your life:

1. use the af method.

2. In addition to rice and apples add a few things to your diet including beans, peas, lentils and also a leafy green. Meat is also optional.

[leila]

@Vineeto

turned it into a real-world chore with a moral score, adding more blame and sorrow to the misery you already experience.

Thanks everyone for the replies

Actually when I was writing the above post Leila's journal - #295 by leila , I wanted to look better ( to look as a good one /good contributor ) , to get the score , feeling proud .

So when you say " moral score " ,I really see it now Vineeto ..

And about how I look at actualism as a chore , and not as something fun , yes I do this cunningly on myself and even on others …Thanks for mentioning it .

And about what i consume , I am not doing any Brat diet , I never heard of it either …

For replying to edzd, " why I eat apple and rice ? " ؛

Well , It all started about 14 years ago , when I stopped eating bread ( wheat flour ) like cake ,cookies , and etc. …".
I substitute the bread ( wheat ) with nuts like pistachio …

The reason for this was " my self image ", I never was over weight , but I wanted to look more pretty and stay in shape , and also wanted to rescue myself from the sadness that i was feeling after consuming cakes or cookies or bread etc. . even for consuming 2 slice of bread I would go and walk for miles …I believed that if I be more skinny than I am , I look more pretty !
so much conditioning !

I did not know at that time that my body gets triggered by nuts …
And ( ditching out wheat from my diet ) , will cause the microorganism in the gut that consume gluten disappear , based of what i have researched from what Dr, Gundry talked about …

So , after some years of not eating bread , My body started to react differently to what I was consuming and some wired things happened , for example the Collarbone on my left side got bigger , I researched about it , lots of oxalate !?

Then some of my other joints got bigger ( inflamed ) and painful , I read about auto immune disease like arthritis , etc.

So , I started believing that I have this invisible disease auto immune disease ؛ which white blood cells attack the joints and the wall of intestine …

by getting covid the inflammation got worse …
i researched to see what is the good food to consume for IBS or irritable bowl , I came across low fodmap food … which rice and apples are some of these foods …

It took me years to finally realize and acknowledge and accept that the pistachio making my problem worse ! but by the time I ditched this one out too ( which was only 7 or 8 month ago ) , there was a lot of inflammation already in my gut …

I tried the vegetable and fruit that were low in fodmap , but none worked for me except apple …

even I started to eat bread again , but I got constipated …

I have been eating apple puree and cooked white basmati rice as my breakfast for many years …
and for lunch almost 5 days a week I eat the same thing …and sometimes I consume egg yolk …
I don’t eat dinner …
I crave other food too , like bread , potato chips , meat , or other things which is not tolerated by the gut …

now that I am writing these , it is very shocking to know it was me " myself " who created this problem for me…
I was resenting my body for years to have such a disease , but it was me …my insecurities , my worries , my looking for approval from others ,
my conditioned mind <> How I was conditioned by my culture ؛ the more pretty a girl is the more chance to be happy ?!

I remember when i was a kid 6 or 7 , my grandma used to sing a song for me , singing : " my Leila is pretty " ! I don’t think she knew by doing this not just she put this big burden on my shoulder , but also triggering my sister ‘s anger , provoking her to treat me as her enemy!

It was as if all my life was a competition , I never could " relax " , I was always running , anxious , sad and exhausted !
tears

[edzd]

@leila I appreciate the reply. I’d be keen to read further reports on how things develop for you with all you reported now in mind. These appear to be ripe topics to apply your better sensibilities to. Maybe you could explore your enjoyment for food in a win-win way that affords you more variety and sustenance but also something you can adapt/adjust to over time.

[leila]

I can not rescue myself from this hell that i have made for myself …from this habit , this emotional occurrence , food related hell , it is like a cycle ,i eat something ( because i want to deny that it is bad for me , i say lets give it a try ) , then feeling weak and unwell ,then suddenly a pain in my abdominal , then this pain triggers fear of death , imagining myself seeing a doctor , then fear of injections , then this fear goes to panic attack …
then instead of stopping this whole nonsense , this fear and panic triggers sadness , then sadness and crying triggers anger >> blaming my partner for all this …then i go to fear again and again and again …

there is a saying in our culture : “What does a fart have to do with temples ( forehead ) ?”

for me it does related …because my attitude always is like this , relating two different subject to each other , blaming the other , not accepting the responsibility for my own and my own feelings my own attitudes , my own making …
I know all of this , I know the cause , i know my attitude , I know the emotional occurrence ,i know my habitual stressor , but it is only “words on paper” !

I am not willing to do something to change , i have no intent , nothing …i am not harmless , i don’t let go of the past …i am in hell , and i am going to be like this for the rest of my life , which i don’t know is it going to be next month or next year ?
but why i have turned my partner 's life like a hell ? i am in hell , he has to be in hell too , he has done this and that …

i am really like a kid , crying for my discomfort ,i am not ready to grow up and accept the responsibility , my responsibility ,i don’t want to do something for my own discomfort , instead i make him miserable !

[leila]

I dont know why I repeat writing the same thing !
I as a thinker asks me as a soul ?!

well , because this pain was different than the other times , and I read about it in AI , it was saying all kind of scary things …

ok , but there is no doctor here , if I want to get help , i am the only one that can help my self … so go and read the manual to see what to do …

I know the manual …

but I dont do anything , I dont do the manual , I just express my anger , and then I become sad and regret it again and again …what is it ?everyone dies , I die too , so what ? what is all this fear ?
I have a condition , and based on this condition I have to be responsible for my body , meaning dont take the things that I know it’s bad for the body …
I am grumpy and sad I want to escape from my feelings , I go and imagine some kind of food that is not good for the body , see what happens ? then I come and write here and repeat the same thing …

ok , i will not write about this subject any more …

well i am ashamed of myself for doing all this stuff to my body ,
i am not benign , i wish i was , if i was benign maybe i could have intent …
i was doing good , i was walking the wide and wondrous path , but this condition made me not walking it ,

it s me , I did not want to walk the wide and wondrous path…everyone has some kind of condition . no matter what happens in your life , you can enjoy and appreciate being alive …

well , you talk alot in my head , i feel something , then you as my thinker come and say the things that i dont need to hear ,
now i am blaming myself , or blaming my condition

alot of things will happen or may not happen , this is me myself that can decide what to do this moment …what to do ?
do you prefer to be grumpy because of this disease and then die ? or you prefer to be in a good mood and then die ?
i dont want to die at all …
well then you are not living …life and death are inseparable …