… i went for a walk this afternoon , i stand beside a tree and started crying .it is silly , it was silly i know but i cant help it . I dont know which one made me feel bad : our neighbors are going back to their country for the entire summer , and the other neighbor today , when saw me from far away , she grabbed her 5 year old son and went the other way , as if she was running away from me . these two episodes making me sad , angry and maybe jealous .
this morning i was feeling really great …almost 3 hours of slowly walking enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive …it was the best moment ever …but the episode two, made all the feeling good and feeling great go away …when i am in my walks i feel like i m getting close to self immolation, but when i m back to real life , i see that how far i am from actually become free…and this makes me feel really bad …
as i was crying i was talking to the tree which i was standing beside it , and saying: Please universe help …sometimes at night i say Richard please help …
i dont know what is it with this neighbor . their house is next to our house , and sometimes i hear her yelling and cursing at her 5 year old son .i m afraid of her and at the same time angry at her … whenever i see them , i play with the little kid …maybe she doesn’t like that . i remember the little kid asking me if i can go to his birthday and his mom’s face was like " no way " .she said we are not gonna be here for your birthday … me is anger , empathy , justice …
this hate this anger this justice , these are all me , and i dont want them …so i dont want me …
i went for a walk this morning , there was still some feelings from yesterday .i looked at the sky the glorious sun were coming out from a cloud . just by looking at it i felt free . this freedom this vastness is also me .
i just had a realization that if i am angry at my neighbor and she is angry at her kid or angry at me , it means that we both are the same …
i am this anger , this fear and this jealousy , so does the neighbor , she is the anger , the fear , and so on . so again we are the same .
i m not different than her .i may be nicer than her , but as long as i m angry at her , that means : i am like her and i am not harmless either .
Leila, love the exploration and openness here. ‘You’ don’t want ‘You’ because of all these unpleasant feelings. That is completely understandable. But all ‘you’ can ever be is ‘you’ - so you might as well accept it
Not that you have to accept feeling bad of course. You realise that you are your feelings and see if you get back to feeling good.
Another thing you can look at is the good feelings. You’ve expressed a lot of thanks and gratitude to a lot of people here. You might want to think about the feeling of gratitude as it is the other side of the bad feelings of indebtedness, resentment, fear of others and so on.
Similarly you can think about the good feeling components to feelings of anger, injustice etc Often these are the socially acceptable feelings of love, belonging etc. Realise that the good and bad feelings are combined package that form a ‘world’ that you can slowly become more and more free from - and that is even before actual freedom,
i have to be honest with myself , connecting with people here makes me have good feelings , good feeling of belonging , love , admiration , respect as Miguel was saying .
maybe that’s why when Claudiu said you have to be careful with the translation , i became offended , because what he said was the opposite of good feeling which i was expecting …
now i am sad why i got offended ,i hope i did not made Claudiu feel bad …but see i m doing it again … …i want to be loved , i want to belong , i want to be respected .i want to thank people more and more so i get good feelings from them …and when i dont get these good feelings i feel loss and disappointed
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i don’t feel good at all …i feel like i am braking apart …if i let go of these good feelings , there is not gonna be anything left of me …it is like all these searching , trying looking , all my life has been in vain …
i feel like a doll tied to a string that just seeks good feelings.
…
i went for my afternoon walk …i felt like crying again …but this time not because of any neighbor , it is because of me , a part of me that i have to leave behind . these good feelings that i have cherished all my life is me . this is me . without them i am nobody … i cant …
Hey @leila, maybe just back off things for a bit. You might be jumping ahead and worrying about things you imagine to be stressful such as self immolation and things like that. I have seen this personally before, where someone was freaking themselves out over the somewhat intimidating subject matter. But the actualism method, especially initially, is just a simple thing about feeling good.
Can you notice how you are kind of creating a drama out of it? Getting yourself all worked up? See if you can notice those feelings, see the harm they are doing (you feel stressed/anxious) and allow yourself to get back to feeling good.
Alternatively, if that doesn’t work, just take a break from thinking about actualism for a bit. Once you feel good again, you can look at this and work out what was triggering you.
i dont think i have any control over this drama that i am making Felix …it is a little bit like a shock or as if somebody poured a bocket of ice water over me … by saying to think about the feeling of gratitude, good feelings components to bad feelings…
it is like the castle that i have been building for myself from the beginning was made out of paper.
9h
One thing I find very informative when things like this are happening is seeing that - although everything feels awful And unstable - life is continuing, there is consciousness , I also find that I am able to still function. For example if it happens while I’m eating I find that “the body” still knows what to do, pick up the fork, put in mouth, take a drink, even with all the drama unfolding in my heart and soul and mind. Ultimately everything is ok , and ‘I’ am not needed.
I woke up today with a heavy crying in my throat. I read Claudio’s writing, and went for a walk holding on to Claudio’s thought : " Although everything is horrible and unstable - life goes on "…
the sky was cloudy and gray, just like me … the wet smell of rain and mist that I have always loved , this time could not make me feel better … I reached the area that connects me to nature … I asked myself: " why am I like this ? what happened to me? !!"
it was as if someone had made a strong criticism of me , even it felt worse than that …
someone had told me to open a part of myself , the part that i have always carried around with myself . something that I had never done before .actually I was opening it in my head … I was seeing whatever i was taking out , every bad feelings, almost everything was tied to a good feeling :
All my annoyances, my sorrows, my angers , all and all and all …my dreams my fantasies my imaginations…
As if a barrier was broken and I started to cry heavily … these were sympathy for myself…
ok after writing my last thought here , i went for a walk again …to try to enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive …but i did not feel good …i notice i am day dreaming i brought myself back to this moment but no i could not enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive …so i didn’t know what to do …
i looked around and noticed a smallest colorful butterfly flying close to the ground …i dont get to see this kind in the park …this place which i have found recently for my walks is a trail going up and down a hill …similar to a mountain …usually i am scared of going to an unknowable place , but since i started Eaatmoba, something has changed in me , i m starting to feel safety and security around me …which i never did before .
i noticed this safety one day when i was standing in front of an area with trees and greenies , even though the place wasn’t neat , but i felt like i could sleep there at night , with those kind trees…
this is is why i have found this new place ,this trail for my walks .
so , as i was looking at this small butterfly i noticed i am sitting on the ground trying to touch the butterfly , something else grabbed my attention , a big snail …crawling very very slowly , in such a way that made me very relax , i noticed a few ants and some other insects around going here and there even some of the ants were walking over other insects …this world of these insects were really safe ,nobody here with sadness or depressed , only motion and stillness of this moment … i found myself enjoying and appreciating this moment again …
This probably is a great insight, so you have gotten an “early shortcut” in coming to contact with
what makes you “who you are” . As they said before, you can investigate this “loss” or “found”, after you are back to feeling good again, and continue your journey to Actual Freedom.
Yes!! Exactly now you saw it for yourself that sense of safety that ultimately comes from the actual world. it is safe because the actual world actually exists. it doesn’t depend on anything. everything just “is”, everything continues moving through infinite space and eternal time. ‘you’ cannot stop it, nothing that can happen can stop it… there will always be existence, existing .
I definitely advise you to put a “pin” in this experience, to use it as a reference point, so you can find your way back to it again and again!
this after noon walk :" I started with minus zero which means no feeling good …( maybe miserable)
i told myself : please go back to feeling good , even feeling neutral … ,remember the snail the ants the world of insects . remember that ultimatly everything ok and i m not needed ." …
but no , nothing happened …i guess it is not a force … i can not force feeling good…it has to come by it self , as it came before…
there were two fire fighters i was going to pass by to get to the trail so i could walk …
i noticed how i am self conscious and shy to pass them , and i noticed i am grinding my fingers into a small rock that i was holding …
i was hoping that they don’t look at me , but they did , so i nodded at them and smiling , and surprisingly they looked as if they know me really well , and were overdoing greetings …
i dont know how i manage to pass them , but i finally did , with some resistance …
i tried to bring back myself to feeling good , but i couldn’t .
my mind was like : why do they were so nice ? are they like that always ? maybe they have seen me before from their building which is a block away from this trail . they may have seen me the day i first found this place running from joy like a mad kid …I felt embarrassed …
i told myself : Ok ,Can we please go back to feeling good now …? i begged …
it is good that i have tasted feeling good . it is good that i have tasted the perfection ,
the unconditional happiness , the satisfaction , the safety as Claudiu says which comes from the actual world … this is all good… and this is good that i can notice how i am feeling now …compared to before i did not even know what i was feeling …
now you saw it for yourself 
that sense of safety that ultimately comes from the actual world. it is safe because the actual world actually exists. it doesn’t depend on anything. everything just “is”, everything continues moving through infinite space and eternal time. ‘you’ cannot stop it, nothing that can happen can stop it… there will always be existence, existing .