Im experiencing so many changes and so much progress lately. Being here is becoming so fun and wondrous.
Never thought I’d be saying that!
It’s like I barely want to move because I’m so content to be exactly where I am - which, at this current moment, is on a swing in a suburban park at dusk with my dog.
It’s so surprising haha, I’m so used to being stuck that it is such a delight to be sliding along on this toboggan experiencing the world like this.
It certainly wasn’t the result of simply choosing to feel good as a kind of mental decision only. I had to figure out at a deep level why I was seemingly “unable” to feel good, and also reckon with burnout/chronic stress/depression. What an absolute slog that was haha.
I’ll try to write helpful stuff later, but in a nutshell, I totally overestimated the utility of work I was doing when feeling bad.
I think shame was holding me back most of all. My low self esteem kept me striving (to be the world’s best actualist for example - lol) and drowning in despondency at all my failings. I had witnessed the terrible stuff inside me and was basically judging myself rather than realising this was bad feelings, and that I had it in me to feel felicitous if I could only stop panicking (my ego created a strong sense of threat about it all). Add in burnout symptoms and health anxiety and it was…quite the pickle.
I am totally surprised by how much joy and freedom (as well as physical and mental health) I’m able to experience. Not to make it sound like a heady feeling thing, if anything I am less focused on my feelings than ever, and more outwardly focused in wonder at the actual world right here on my doorstep.
It’s truly excellent to be here.