Kub933's Journal

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

@Vineeto

Could it be that you inadvertently were trying to fit actualism into the spiritualistic paradigm for instance that it is enough to have realisations without ever needing to actualise them in a practical down-to-earth way to reap their benefits? Or into the materialistic paradigm that these realisations are merely a screen to present (to yourself as well as others), to hide that the true primary purpose, your ‘self’-survival, remains in power? It would only be natural given that ‘you’ are the instinctual survival passions therefore there is no need to be ashamed or embarrassed. And if this indeed part of ‘your’ modus operandi it would be both beneficial and liberating to discover so as to avoid future traps.

There is something here which clicked today with regards to ‘my’ modus operandi, I’ll use computer gaming as a metaphor. A common theme in games is that one initially starts as a level 1 character, with no weapons or armour set and no skills. Upon killing various monsters one obtains their loot as well as gaining experience points which allow one to purchase progressively more powerful weapons as well as level the character up, this allows more challenging monsters to be killed who drop more precious loot along with more experience points and so on it goes. And this is essentially what you described, it’s some version of the spiritualistic/materialistic paradigm, of ‘me’ getting more aggrandised, more powerful etc.

It seems I have been approaching realisations and glimpses of actuality in that same manner. As if some precious loot was just dropped and ‘I’ could eventually purchase something extraordinary with it.

Which of course is completely in the wrong direction, this is clear in light of our recent discussion. To proceed “levelling up ‘my’ character” is for sure completely a dead end as ‘I’ can never enter actuality.

It has been beneficial and liberating to slowly untangle this.

I am still making my way through your latest post so for now I will leave it at this.

[Kub933]

So this morning I had an interesting experience, I will write it down here so that I don’t do with it what I usually do. I was having a cigarette in the garden and slowly waking up. There was the experience that I was here, solidly in the garden and no place else. This was contrasted with where ‘I’ usually am, which is in the cinema room of ‘my’ projections. It was this contrast that stood out, that ‘I’ am never ever here, ‘I’ am watching the movie of ‘my’ life somewhere inside the psyche. ‘I’ am watching those various images flash on the screen, this is ‘my’ life. And now those images where as if wiped off and there was the awareness of being here. This was fascinating in itself, that this is what ‘my’ life amounts to in the end, images flashing on the screen of ‘my’ psyche, no wonder ‘I’ suffer, ‘I’ can never ever be here where all is genuine. The flesh and blood body called Kuba has nothing to do with that ‘cinema room’, he is here where this moment is happening.
This I could see clearly, that ‘my’ life in the ‘cinema room’ is essentially a different dimension to where this body exists.
In light of this experience I can see what Richard wrote that it is relief unimaginable to be released from ‘me’, to finally be genuine - this was the flavour of the seeing.

So now that the experience is over, ‘I’ am back to ‘my cinema room’ and yet ‘I’ remember that there is a genuine world where this flesh and blood body exists and that it would be relief unimaginable for this flesh and blood body to live where all is genuine and for ‘me’ to no longer live ‘my’ life.

So in terms of what use this experience has… ‘I’ cannot make it ‘mine’ as ‘I’ was seen to be living essentially a parallel life ‘some place else’. Perhaps there is the intent, seeing that “unimaginable relief” aspect, that ‘my’ self-immolation releases this body from ‘my’ bondage and ‘me’ from ‘my’ burden.

But it is the “in the meantime aspect” where ‘I’ usually trip up, because that experience is over now, and it was only a temporary seeing. So how can ‘I’ imitate (to the extent that ‘I’ can as a feeling being) that which was seen. It seems what you have suggested Vineeto, to put everything on a “it doesn’t really matter” basis is the sensible next step, in fact it is probably a step which should have been taken a long time ago. I never considered properly the fact that Richard did this as one of the first things. But there is no way to be a part time actualist, certainly not if the goal is to go all the way.

Actually there is something else here, about the imitation aspect. Because in the experience both ‘me’ and ‘my’ resistance are of no concern, because it is a different world altogether. Whereas when ‘I’ am back behind the throne all of a sudden ‘my’ resistance has ‘weight’ to it again. So it seems this is where I trip up with the in the meantime aspect, is it simply a question of putting some effort in?

Hmm there is a 3rd option which I have not considered before, and this might be it. That the experience itself is a mirage, because it was not a PCE, there was not that magical aspect there. Could the thing itself be a diversion then. Perhaps the sensible way to proceed is that if pure intent is not squarely experienced then the experience itself should have a big question mark over it.

This seems to be the case, because there was that morning resentment, a heaviness of the day ahead, and so ‘I’ must have created a mirage to escape the feeling. Well at least it’s good I am beginning to catch onto this. It’s a little like what Richard discussed with the lady in the PCE DVD, that there was pain and ‘she’ went into an ASC in order to escape the pain.

So those experiences preceded by good/bad feelings these can be contaminated. That is for sure a very important reason to apply the method in the meantime! Any potential glimpse of actuality should come from felicity and innocuity rather than desperation / aggrandisement.

[Kub933]

So any genuine experience of actuality has that “out of this world” flavour, it’s one of a kind and unmistakable. From that experience flows pure intent and genuine pure intent has that aspect of pulling forward relentlessly, as in there is no choice but to proceed towards it. Whereas the ‘intent’ from those “contaminated experiences” has as its purpose to keep ‘me’ as ‘I’ am. ‘I’ have been running on contaminated intent!

[Vineeto]

Kuba: So this morning I had an interesting experience, I will write it down here so that I don’t do with it what I usually do. I was having a cigarette in the garden and slowly waking up. There was the experience that I was here, solidly in the garden and no place else. This was contrasted with where ‘I’ usually am, which is in the cinema room of ‘my’ projections. It was this contrast that stood out, that ‘I’ am never ever here, ‘I’ am watching the movie of ‘my’ life somewhere inside the psyche. ‘I’ am watching those various images flash on the screen, this is ‘my’ life. And now those images where as if wiped off and there was the awareness of being here. This was fascinating in itself, that this is what ‘my’ life amounts to in the end, images flashing on the screen of ‘my’ psyche, no wonder ‘I’ suffer, ‘I’ can never ever be here where all is genuine. The flesh and blood body called Kuba has nothing to do with that ‘cinema room’, he is here where this moment is happening.
This I could see clearly, that ‘my’ life in the ‘cinema room’ is essentially a different dimension to where this body exists.
In light of this experience I can see what Richard wrote that it is relief unimaginable to be released from ‘me’, to finally be genuine – this was the flavour of the seeing.
So now that the experience is over, ‘I’ am back to ‘my cinema room’ and yet ‘I’ remember that there is a genuine world where this flesh and blood body exists and that it would be relief unimaginable for this flesh and blood body to live where all is genuine and for ‘me’ to no longer live ‘my’ life.

Hi Kuba,

What an excellent insight. Here you say it very clearly “‘I’ can never ever be here where all is genuine”, and what’s more, that “it would be relief unimaginable for this flesh and blood body” called Kuba “to live where all is genuine”.

In that moment you had no objections for ‘me’ to disappear.

Kuba: So in terms of what use this experience has… ‘I’ cannot make it ‘mine’ as ‘I’ was seen to be living essentially a parallel life ‘some place else’. Perhaps there is the intent, seeing that “unimaginable relief” aspect, that ‘my’ self-immolation releases this body from ‘my’ bondage and ‘me’ from ‘my’ burden.
But it is the “in the meantime aspect” where ‘I’ usually trip up, because that experience is over now, and it was only a temporary seeing. So how can ‘I’ imitate (to the extent that ‘I’ can as a feeling being) that which was seen. It seems what you have suggested Vineeto, to put everything on a “it doesn’t really matter” basis is the sensible next step, in fact it is probably a step which should have been taken a long time ago. I never considered properly the fact that Richard did this as one of the first things. But there is no way to be a part time actualist, certainly not if the goal is to go all the way.
Actually there is something else here, about the imitation aspect. Because in the experience both ‘me’ and ‘my’ resistance are of no concern, because it is a different world altogether. Whereas when ‘I’ am back behind the throne all of a sudden ‘my’ resistance has ‘weight’ to it again. So it seems this is where I trip up with the in the meantime aspect, is it simply a question of putting some effort in?

Where the objection lies, is what to do in the meantime because the actualism method imitating actuality means to genuinely diminish ‘me’, on a continuous basis, and with knowledge aforethought, with a ‘self’-less inclination to be increasingly happy and harmless. Richard says it exquisitely in his journal –

Richard: With apperception operating more or less continuously in ‘my’ day-to day life, ‘I’ find it harder and harder to maintain credibility. ‘I’ am increasingly seen as the usurper, an alien entity inhabiting this body and taking on an identity of its own. Mercilessly exposed in the bright light of awareness - apperception casts no shadows - ‘I’ can no longer find ‘my’ position tenable. ‘I’ can only live in obscuration, where ‘I’ lurk about, creating all sorts of mischief. ‘My’ time is speedily coming to an end, ‘I’ can barely maintain ‘myself’ any longer. (Article Eighteen, page 135)

But apparently the alien entity inhabiting Kuba’s body got the upper hand yet again.

Kuba: Hmm there is a 3rd option which I have not considered before, and this might be it. That the experience itself is a mirage, because it was not a PCE, there was not that magical aspect there. Could the thing itself be a diversion then. Perhaps the sensible way to proceed is that if pure intent is not squarely experienced then the experience itself should have a big question mark over it.
This seems to be the case, because there was that morning resentment, a heaviness of the day ahead, and so ‘I’ must have created a mirage to escape the feeling. Well at least it’s good I am beginning to catch onto this. It’s a little like what Richard discussed with the lady in the PCE DVD, that there was pain and ‘she’ went into an ASC in order to escape the pain.
So those experiences preceded by good/ bad feelings these can be contaminated. That is for sure a very important reason to apply the method in the meantime! Any potential glimpse of actuality should come from felicity and innocuity rather than desperation / aggrandisement. (link)

Well, well, well, because putting in effort (i.e. action) to gradually diminish ‘me’ – the very thought of it is anathema to ‘me’ – you now question this excellent experience itself as a mirage (since it’s impossible to make it ‘your’ own, the way you put it already into words), and state that it “should have a big question mark over it”. Then ‘you’ don’t have to do anything ‘in the meantime’.

By the way, if you watch the video again you’ll see that Pamela in the PCE-video talked about a past experience yet whilst talking with Richard had the guts to now allow a PCE to happen and revel in the magnificence and ease of it.

What a cunning manoeuvre – is that why you never went past first base? Now that the eye-opening experience itself (described at the beginning of your post) has been discredited as a mirage ‘you’ can justify remaining as ‘you’ are.

Really?

Is that how you want to while away your life? Steeple-chasing and then armchair-philosophising?

I wonder when you are going to catch on to ‘your’ dirty tricks and actively fulfil your secret yearning to be genuine, innocent?

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

It is not a lack of willingness to put effort in, that I know, because I am willing to put endless effort into the “steeple-chasing and then armchair-philosophising”, so then it is a lack of willingness for action itself. Right now I am putting in a lot of effort and yet not taking action.

Action is what brings ‘me’ towards that which is glimpsed in those experiences - “it would be relief unimaginable for this flesh and blood body to live where all is genuine and for ‘me’ to no longer live ‘my’ life”. It’s the bridge between ‘me’ as ‘I’ am now and the possibility of ‘my’ extinction.

So the trick is that ‘I’ can prevent ‘my’ eventual extinction by never taking action, the action being what you described below :

@Vineeto

Where the objection lies, is what to do in the meantime because the actualism method imitating actuality means to genuinely diminish ‘me’, on a continuous basis, and with knowledge aforethought, with a ‘self’-less inclination to be increasingly happy and harmless.

If ‘I’ am genuinely diminished on a continuous basis whilst at the same time knowing full well what lies at the end then it becomes a slide towards ‘my’ demise, the action in question would assure it happens.

[Vineeto]

Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
It is not a lack of willingness to put effort in, that I know, because I am willing to put endless effort into the “steeple-chasing and then armchair-philosophising”, so then it is a lack of willingness for action itself. Right now I am putting in a lot of effort and yet not taking action.

Hi Kuba,

Effort, as in sudorific, is what you know to do well, but that is not required, on the contrary, effort is ‘self’-enhancing and no fun.

Richard: I might add, though, that naïveté does away with all that ‘heavy lifting’ you spoke of in an earlier e-mail. Viz.:
• [Respondent]: ‘From what I can glean so far, virtual freedom is a period of ‘heavy lifting’. (‘Introduction’; Friday, 27 July 2003).
Where you have gleaned this diaphoretic impression from has got me stumped … here is but one of the many ways I describe the actualism practice:
• [Richard]: ‘… the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom from the human condition is marked by enjoyment and appreciation – the sheer delight of being as happy and harmless as is humanly possible whilst remaining a ‘self’ – and the slightest diminishment of such felicity/ innocuity is a warning signal (a flashing red light as it were) that one has inadvertently wandered off the way.
One is thus soon back on track … and all because of everyday events.(Richard, AF List, No. 38, 20 Feb 2003).
Or even more specifically to the point of your ‘heavy lifting’ comment:
• [Co-Respondent]: ‘If it is the experiencer that makes efforts to be aware and stay aware, the centre is strengthened, not dissolved, right?
• [Richard]: ‘Since when has naiveté been sudorific?(Richard, List B, No. 12q, 5 Jan 2003).
In short: if it be not either easy (effortless) or fun (enjoyable) then there is something to look at until it is again. (Richard, AF List, No. 46, 9 Aug 2003).

I suggest before you ‘spring into action’ and habitually “put endless effort” into it, as per your habitual modus operandi, let the head-spinning (link) occur until a clear understanding emerges from the core of your being regarding which direction you want to take and why. Out of that might arise an action which is not effort but fun. Ask Sonya –

Sonya: And yes I am noticing that I am having much more fun with digging around what’s going on. Whereas in the past it was almost like “nope I don’t want to look at it!” and trying to will it away. (link)

Kuba: Action is what brings ‘me’ towards that which is glimpsed in those experiences – “it would be relief unimaginable for this flesh and blood body to live where all is genuine and for ‘me’ to no longer live ‘my’ life”. It’s the bridge between ‘me’ as ‘I’ am now and the possibility of ‘my’ extinction.

For now ‘action’ is simply a word for you, without substance or lasting commitment. If action was the result of, for instance, your excellent experience from yesterday (link) – the clear insight, this potentially life-changing insight, that “‘I’ was standing in the way of the actual being apparent” there would be no hesitation. If you allowed this insight to stand, without diminishing it or discrediting it or negating it and let it gestate, then a clear course of actualisation (see Sundry, FAQ, Realisation/ Actualisation) would follow (perhaps putting everything on a ‘it doesn’t really matter basis’). If it be a forced, merely a cognitive decision, only ‘effort’ against ‘your’ will to remain as ‘you’ are would follow.

Kuba: So the trick is that ‘I’ can prevent ‘my’ eventual extinction by never taking action, the action being what you described below :

Vineeto; Where the objection lies, is what to do in the meantime because the actualism method imitating actuality means to genuinely diminish ‘me’, on a continuous basis, and with knowledge aforethought, with a ‘self’-less inclination to be increasingly happy and harmless.

Yes. Ha, not only preventing your “eventual extinction” but preventing any loss of ‘your’ territory whatsoever. Such is the cunning of the lost, lonely and frightened entity inside of you.

Kuba: If ‘I’ am genuinely diminished on a continuous basis whilst at the same time knowing full well what lies at the end then it becomes a slide towards ‘my’ demise, the action in question would assure it happens. (link)

It can only be a voluntary decision born of the insight you had of the utter magnificence and unquestionable purity of the actual world, that is already always right here, right now.

Richard: G’day No. 13, Just putting in a plug for what is propagated by the website.
The ultimate source of an actualist’s pure intent is, of course, the pristine purity of the innocence which prevails in the pure consciousness experience (PCE).
For those who are unable to recall/ unable to trigger a PCE there is the near-purity of the sincerity which inheres in naiveté – the nearest a ‘self’ can get to innocence whilst remaining a ‘self’ – which naiveté is an aspect of oneself locked away in childhood through ridicule, derision, and so on, that one has dared not to resurrect for fear of appearing foolish, a simpleton, in both others’ eyes and, thus, one’s own.
(Because ‘naïve’ and ‘gullible’ are so closely linked – via the trusting nature of a child in concert with the lack of knowledge inherent to childhood – in the now-adult mind, most peoples initially have difficulty separating the one from another).
Now, as ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’, then seeing the fact that it is plainly and simply ‘my’ choice as to how ‘I’ experience this moment – the only moment one is actually alive – is a first step leading to its discovery.
And, as the part-sentence you have quoted (further above) has been extracted out from the middle of the first paragraph of the section entitled ‘The Who And How of Attentiveness And Sensuousness And Apperceptiveness’, in the ‘Attentiveness And Sensuousness And Apperceptiveness’ article (link), then the opening lines provide a clue to an answer for your queries. Viz.:
• [quote] ‘The intent is you will become happy and harmless.
The intent is you will be free of sorrow and malice. The intent is you will become blithesome and benign. The intent is you will be free of fear and aggression. The intent is you will become carefree and considerate. The intent is you will be free from nurture and desire. The intent is you will become gay and benevolent. The intent is you will be free of anguish and animosity. The intent is that, by being free of the Human Condition, you will experience peace-on-earth, in this life-time, as this body … as is evidenced in a pure consciousness experience (PCE) (…)’. (Richard, Articles, Attentiveness Sensuousness Apperceptiveness).
Spelled-out sequentially that first part of the paragraph, immediately prior to the part-sentence you extracted, can look something like this:

1. The initial intent comes from a vital interest in becoming happy and harmless.
   That intent thus creates a vested interest in being free of sorrow and malice.
2. The initial intent comes from a vital interest in becoming blithesome and benign.
   That intent thus creates a vested interest in being free of fear and aggression.
3. The initial intent comes from a vital interest in becoming carefree and considerate.
   That intent thus creates a vested interest in being free from nurture and desire.
4. The initial intent comes from a vital interest in becoming gay and benevolent.
   That intent thus creates a vested interest in being free of anguish and animosity.

All of this vital interest/ vested interest enables sincerity – as to be in accord with the fact/being aligned with factuality/ staying true to facticity is what being sincere is (as in being authentic/ guileless, genuine/ artless, straightforward/ ingenuous) and to be sincere is to be the key which unlocks naiveté … then the summing-up sentence can now look something like this:
The [sincere/ naïve] intent, then, is that by being free of the human condition you will experience peace-on-earth, in this life-time, as this body … as is evidenced in the PCE.
As that summary sentence leads straight on to the sentence you have part-quoted from then it too can now look something like this:
• [quote]: ‘(…) An actualist’s intent is a [sincere/ naïve] intent and discovering how to blend this [sincere/ naïve] intent via attentiveness – into one’s conscious life is the process that places one on the wide and wondrous path to actual freedom … this path is a virtual freedom’. (Richard, Articles, Attentiveness Sensuousness Apperceptiveness).
Which in turn is immediately followed by the how-to sentences:
• [quote] ‘Uncovering how to prolong the condition of virtual freedom – via attentiveness and sensuousness – is still another process. These are felicitous and innocuous processes, however, and they are well worth the effort for attentiveness and sensuousness are central to virtual freedom and the key to the whole condition. Attentiveness and sensuousness are both the goal of actualism and the means to that end: one reaches apperceptiveness by being ever more sensuous and one activates sensuousness by being ever more attentive … and one activates attentiveness by no longer ‘feeling good’. (Richard, Articles, Attentiveness Sensuousness Apperceptiveness).
In other words, it is the experiencing of no longer ‘feeling good’ (or ‘feeling happy/ harmless’ or ‘feeling excellent/ perfect’) which activates attentiveness again (as in it ‘jogs the memory’ to pay attention).
It is all a very, very simple method, actually. (Richard, List D, No. 13, 21 May 2009).

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

I see the trick now, and it’s not just this one particular trick but ‘my’ tricks altogether, which are there essentially as breaks to prevent motion, as motion means that ‘my’ territory is at stake.

It’s funny because I always thought I wanted an adventure, but this is a genuine adventure now and I wonder if I have the minerals for it

It’s not that the motion is painful or anything like that, it’s a wonderful adventure but it’s actually happening… I don’t have a word for it because it’s not scary and yet it’s as if the hairs on my neck are standing up.

It seems that each time ‘I’ dare to give up some of ‘my’ territory there is the initial resistance etc and then once it goes there is a greater scope of enjoyment and appreciation available and then again ‘I’ put up a barrier a little lower down and play the same game over again. The tricks seem to come in to play in particular when there is that potential of the next bit of ‘my’ territory being given up.

[Kub933]

@Kub933

It’s funny because I always thought I wanted an adventure, but this is a genuine adventure now and I wonder if I have the minerals for it

Ha of course I do! It’s already happening, the dare was to allow enjoyment and appreciation into those outlines of ‘me’ which ‘I’ have been protecting, instinctually so. Those outlines are now permeated, with enjoyment and appreciation bubbling through.

Richard: In short: if it be not either easy (effortless) or fun (enjoyable) then there is something to look at until it is again

The “something to look at” is that thing / anything which is preventing my enjoyment and appreciation of this (my only) moment of being alive. Funnily enough it is ‘my’ actualist identity that often gets serious and therefore prevents the very enjoyment and appreciation it is apparently meant to facilitate - cunning indeed!

So Vineeto I can see perhaps where sincerity can be located, you know it has been quite intense talking with you, my guess is you have had a great time behind the keyboard but for ‘me’ it has been rather serious. But on the other hand ‘I’ could have had the sense of humour and the sincerity to enjoy finding the various tricks that ‘I’ might be playing. But both the sense of humour and the sincerity would require that ‘I’ see and accept that ‘I’ am as mad and as bad as everyone else and hence there is no sense in shame and embarrassment. Without this crucial acknowledgment there is no possibility for naivete to eventually flourish, sincerity is required first. I am perhaps seeing like a seed of genuine sincerity now, which comes from the acknowledgement that the human condition is common to all.

[Kub933]

The above has washed over ‘me’ thoroughly and big time, ‘I’ can’t quite put into words the extent of the change in perspective although I understand a little more now what is meant by the words fellowship regard. Actually Sonya’s recent post was quite well timed, when I saw it I thought “let’s see what stands of that sincerity now”, because it is the case that whatever impression she gleaned from me would have been misleading, however it was the best I knew to do at the time, just like it is so for all the other fellow human beings trapped within the human condition.

And in the absence of shame and embarrassment I experience such a deep appreciation for what human beings are and for the fact that there is now a way to eradicate the human condition, and also for what has been done towards that end so far. And it is the absence of shame and embarrassment which allows for the human condition itself to be squarely addressed.

This is definitely one to put a huge circle around and do everything for this seed of sincerity to flourish, and indeed this is my intent.

[Vineeto]

Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
I see the trick now, and it’s not just this one particular trick but ‘my’ tricks altogether, which are there essentially as breaks to prevent motion, as motion means that ‘my’ territory is at stake.

Hi Kuba,

To forget any experiential evidence of actuality altogether from a PCE is quite common given the ubiquity of the human condition. What I understand your particular trick was to either absorb any experience of the actual world as ‘your’ territory or deny its relevance as a call to action, i.e. intent. Hence my question if it was perhaps a spiritual approach of chasing realisations, believing they would give ‘you’ value, virtue, credit, a “favourable place in a group” (23 Oct 2025) as tangible real-world achievement.

Kuba: It’s funny because I always thought I wanted an adventure, but this is a genuine adventure now and I wonder if I have the minerals for it.

I appreciate your honesty – fear is not an easy thing to admit to oneself, let alone in public. The word which feeling being ‘Vineeto’ had for such courage to be a pioneer in something entirely new to human consciousness was ‘mettle’.

Also, when I answered Sonya’s message I found your reference to Srinath’s ‘sandpit actualism’ where you said –

Kuba: I remember there was a time on this forum when the words pure intent were replaced with purity. That instead of establishing a connection to pure intent one would connect with purity. I went along with this which I now see as a bastardised version of what pure intent actually is. What I confirmed yesterday is that indeed connecting with “purity” is missing the very key aspect of the “genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity”. I was blown away when I experienced it last night, it was sweet, it was irresistibly enticing, it was impossible not to care, it was something that could easily pull ‘me’ all the way to ‘my’ demise without a shred of resistance.
Whereas this whole “connecting to purity” I see more as something along the lines of allowing sensuousness. Because when sensuousness is happening there is very much this aspect of the world being like this perfect and pure jewel, and yet that is not pure intent – "a genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that originates in the perfect and vast stillness that is the essential character of the infinitude of the universe”.
Before the qualitative shift took place last year it would be more correct to say that I was allowing purity over and over, I was not allowing pure intent over and over, I was not allowing the “genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that originates in the perfect and vast stillness that is the essential character of the infinitude of the universe” to be dynamically operative – certainly what I experienced last night, I was not allowing that over and over. (7 June 2025)

Just make sure that what you experienced as the “mirificent flavour” is indeed pure intent, the “genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity” and not the previous “connecting to purity”. Is it something which is “irresistibly enticing, it was impossible not to care, it was something that could easily pull ‘me’ all the way to ‘my’ demise without a shred of resistance”?

It is this, the genuine experience of pure intent, which provides the mettle to proceed.

Richard had several conversations with Alan on the topic of fear and courage, here are the last paragraphs of one of them –

Alan: So, of course, it was ‘natural’ for people to say they had a ‘vision of god’, or some such – and back we are to ‘terms of reference’. The point I am making is that when someone had a PCE, even if it did not degenerate into an ASC, both their report, and that of others, would be of a religious, or spiritual experience. However, that does not, at least wholly, explain the fact that you appear to be the only living example of what you call ‘actual freedom’.
Richard: Once again: Why Richard? One reason lies in my personal history where, being in a war, my life became a living nightmare … literally. I was trapped in an horrific world of dread and foreboding and in order to escape from the savage barbarity of the situation my mind somehow created a new ‘reality’ built out of the extremities of fear, which hallucination I would call ‘unreality’. Thus I escaped into a place where all is calm and peaceful that was not unlike being in the centre of a cyclone – all about rages fear and hatred, anger and aggression – but in there all was apparently calm and peaceful.
Thus I knew from experience that it is possible to create an ‘unreality’ in order to escape the grim and glum real-world reality. 26 years later I came to realise that the ‘Greater Reality’ was nothing but an escape – the mystical realm is a culturally revered hallucination – and that completion was already here … and had always been. (There are three world’s altogether … the natural reality that 6.0 billion people live in and the super-natural Reality that .000001 of the population live in … and this actual world. I call it actual because it is the world of this body and its sense organs only … and nary a god or goddess to be found. This is because I left my ‘self’ behind in the ‘real world’ … where it belongs). I would not – and could not – live a lie. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, Alan, 12 Jan 1999)

Kuba: It’s not that the motion is painful or anything like that, it’s a wonderful adventure but it’s actually happening … I don’t have a word for it because it’s not scary and yet it’s as if the hairs on my neck are standing up.

Thrill perhaps? Or this other word? –

Richard: Incidentally, here is perhaps the ‘fear of/ aversion to’ which would be most applicable to a would-be actualist:
• metathesiophobia: fear of changes. (Richard, AF List, No. 79, 10 Feb 2005)

Kuba: It seems that each time ‘I’ dare to give up some of ‘my’ territory there is the initial resistance etc and then once it goes there is a greater scope of enjoyment and appreciation available and then again ‘I’ put up a barrier a little lower down and play the same game over again. The tricks seem to come in to play in particular when there is that potential of the next bit of ‘my’ territory being given up. (link)

Again, once you establish the experiential connection to pure intent, the “genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity” which blew you away, the initial resistance will melt away.

Richard: The key to success lies in realising that fear does not go anywhere (meaning that nothing ever happens except more fear). (Richard, List AF, No. 79, 21 June 2005)

Kuba: It’s funny because I always thought I wanted an adventure, but this is a genuine adventure now and I wonder if I have the minerals for it.

Kuba: Ha of course I do! It’s already happening, the dare was to allow enjoyment and appreciation into those outlines of ‘me’ which ‘I’ have been protecting, instinctually so. Those outlines are now permeated, with enjoyment and appreciation bubbling through.

Richard: In short: if it be not either easy (effortless) or fun (enjoyable) then there is something to look at until it is again

Ah, this is what was missing and what might well be responsible for your previously reoccurring “evening gloom” and “morning resentment” (link). You explained them theoretically to yourself but that did nothing to disperse them.

Kuba: The “something to look at” is that thing / anything which is preventing my enjoyment and appreciation of this (my only) moment of being alive. Funnily enough it is ‘my’ actualist identity that often gets serious and therefore prevents the very enjoyment and appreciation it is apparently meant to facilitate – cunning indeed!

Yes, the identity is always very serious – ‘you’ feel that ‘my survival is at stake’. Hence my repeated suggestion to put everything on a preference basis to shift the balance.

Richard: … the human species has been doing its thing for at least 50,000 years or so – no essential difference has been discerned between the Cro-Magnon human and Modern-Day human – and may very well continue to do its thing for, say, another 50,000 years or so … it matters not, in what has been described as ‘the vast scheme of things’ or ‘the big picture’, and so on, whether none, one or many peoples become actually free from the human condition (this planet, indeed the entire solar system, is going to cease to exist in its current form about 4.5 billion years from now). All these words – yours, mine, and others (all the dictionaries, encyclopaedias, scholarly tomes and so on) – will perish and all the monuments, all the statues, all the tombstones, all the sacred sites, all the carefully conserved/ carefully restored memorabilia, will vanish as if they had never existed … nothing will remain of any human endeavour (including yours truly). Nothing at all … nil, zero, zilch. Which means that nothing really matters in the long run and, as nothing really does matter (in this ultimate sense) it is simply not possible to take life seriously … sincerely, yes, but seriously? No way … life is much too much fun to be serious! (Richard, List AF, No. 25h, 24 Dec 2004).

Kuba: So Vineeto, I can see perhaps where sincerity can be located, you know it has been quite intense talking with you, my guess is you have had a great time behind the keyboard but for ‘me’ it has been rather serious. But on the other hand, ‘I’ could have had the sense of humour and the sincerity to enjoy finding the various tricks that ‘I’ might be playing. But both the sense of humour and the sincerity would require that ‘I’ see and accept that ‘I’ am as mad and as bad as everyone else and hence there is no sense in shame and embarrassment. Without this crucial acknowledgment there is no possibility for naiveté to eventually flourish, sincerity is required first. I am perhaps seeing like a seed of genuine sincerity now, which comes from the acknowledgement that the human condition is common to all.

I am well aware that “it has been quite intense talking with you” and I sometimes wondered if I said more than you were willing to hear. But when you said that “I am now in a similar if not the same place to where I was when you began writing on the forum” (link), which was July last year, I intended to discover, with you, how you can find the reason and counter the tendency of moving in ineffective circles. When you replied to each of my messages I took it that you were equally interested despite the intensity.

Now that you (according to your next post) have sincerely acknowledged that you are “as mad and as bad as everyone else” – does this make it somewhat easier and more fun?

Kuba: The above has washed over ‘me’ thoroughly and big time, ‘I’ can’t quite put into words the extent of the change in perspective although I understand a little more now what is meant by the words fellowship regard. Actually Sonya’s recent post was quite well timed, when I saw it I thought “let’s see what stands of that sincerity now”, because it is the case that whatever impression she gleaned from me would have been misleading, however it was the best I knew to do at the time, just like it is so for all the other fellow human beings trapped within the human condition.

Sonya’s post is indeed significant as she explains how one proceeds with sincerity and naiveté, and any fear to give up ‘my’ territory hardly plays a part. What is even more important is the fact that’s it’s easy and increases confidence and fun to proceed –

Sonya: It is amazing how simply noticing, coupled with the intent to be happy and harmless can lead to such change. I can say now I’ve reaped quite a few benefits from this. (link)

Something Richard wrote in his journal might be worth remembering –

Richard: It is, of course, a bold step to forsake lofty thoughts, profound feelings and psychic adumbrations and enter the actuality of life as a sensate experience. [Emphasis added]. (Richard’s Journal, Foreword, p. 15)

Kuba: And in the absence of shame and embarrassment I experience such a deep appreciation for what human beings are and for the fact that there is now a way to eradicate the human condition, and also for what has been done towards that end so far. And it is the absence of shame and embarrassment which allows for the human condition itself to be squarely addressed.
This is definitely one to put a huge circle around and do everything for this seed of sincerity to flourish, and indeed this is my intent. (link)

Yes, and not as a concept or theoretical thought but as action, taking one small step to sincerely start paying attention how you can be more happy and more harmless. It has the beneficial side-effect that you become more confident in the doing of it – success breeds success.

Richard: You need to have a keen sense of humour. This business of becoming free is not – contrary to popular opinion – a serious business at all. Be totally sincere … most definitely utterly sincere, as genuineness is essential. But serious … no way. An actual freedom is all about having fun; about enjoying being here now; about delighting in being alive. All that “being serious” stuff actively works against peace-on-earth. One has to want to be here on this planet … (Richard, This Moment of Being Alive)

Pat yourself on the back for all the uncovering and discovering you have done which clears the way forward. The human condition is weird and sometimes it’s weird to get out of it.

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

Thank you for your extensive reply.

@Vineeto

Just make sure that what you experienced as the “mirificent flavour” is indeed pure intent, the “genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity” and not the previous “connecting to purity”. Is it something which is “irresistibly enticing, it was impossible not to care, it was something that could easily pull ‘me’ all the way to ‘my’ demise without a shred of resistance”?

It is this, the genuine experience of pure intent, which provides the mettle to proceed.

Yes that I am sure of, the “mirificent flavour” is far more than just sensate purity, there is actual meaning woven into it, something ultimately precious. And yes it has the capacity to pull ‘me’ all the way through to ‘my’ end, the goal is so precious that the means are taken care of. Actually yesterday when that seeing - of what sincerity is and what fellowship regard is - was washing over ‘me’ the flavour was there again, it results in a seemingly bottomless appreciation and it can only lead to action.

I think where I have gone wrong (quite severely) in the past is where it concerned blending the above into ‘my’ moment to moment experiencing. What I can see now is that there is actually no way for ‘me’ to enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive if ‘I’ am not at the very least sincere. Because if ‘I’ am not sincere it means there is something to hide and there are parts of ‘me’ in opposition.
This action of hiding and splitting it prevents a clean enjoyment and appreciation. Whatever ‘enjoyment and appreciation’ which is conjured up when not sincere is bound to have good/bad feelings mixed in, it is not clean and so it will not lead to that “mirificent flavour”. Whereas when being sincere it is as if a straight line to that flavour.

So for now it seems like I have a fun adventure ahead which is to apply the actualism method sincerely (not that doing it insincerely makes any sense lol). Which means that when ‘I’ am not enjoying and appreciating there is something to look at to find out why, and doing so sincerely does away with the hard work and all that other stuff.

@Vineeto

Thrill perhaps? Or this other word? –

Richard: Incidentally, here is perhaps the ‘fear of/ aversion to’ which would be most applicable to a would-be actualist:
• metathesiophobia: fear of changes. (Richard, AF List, No. 79, 10 Feb 2005)

Haha yes that is spot on! Interestingly enough this does not play any part right now, it seems the fear of change applies only when ‘I’ am standing still, paralysed. But actually there is a different route to take anyways, as you said a while ago “when in a hole, stop digging”. It only takes that ‘I’ find ‘my’ way back to that clean enjoyment and appreciation and once there ‘I’ have the support from the universe, and there is motion.

I wonder why the resistance to sincerity in the first place, it seems fundamentally that ‘I’ don’t want to be seen. ‘I’ go into some extraordinary efforts to hide, to split, to deceive etc. And actually the way of ‘me’ hiding is the painful and difficult way, the way of ‘my’ exposure is the way to ‘my’ dissolution and that is actually the easy way. It’s a bit like when I was younger and I would lie alot, and eventually there was all these alternate storylines that I was having to memorise to keep up the facade, and then one day it clicked that to end the lies was actually what would end the burden.

And also isn’t the social identity (including an ‘actualist identity’) exactly that? A facade which hides what ‘I’ am at core? It makes sense why ‘my’ self-immolation is ‘my’ moment of glory, after living a life of lies ‘I’ finally get to set the record straight.

I never saw that, that when ‘I’ die ‘I’ die as a fraud, in fact that is why ‘I’ allow ‘my’ demise, because a fraud is all that ‘I’ can ever be, that is why ‘I’ sacrifice ‘my’ life for the benefit of this body, that body and everybody.

Geoffrey: There was the actual world just right there in front of me, obviously existing, pure and perfect, and then there was ‘me’, ‘humanity’. The contrast was simply hilarious. I can’t describe how hilarious this contrast was. What we’ve all been doing forever and ever, on a ridiculous parade of malice and sorrow, with the greatest seriousness.

I realised that I would indeed gladly die right now, gladly give away all I am, all I ever was, all I’ve done and felt since I was born, for peace-on-earth to be apparent (not even for me but) for everybody. For things to be as they are. And that it would be of no importance at all. No ‘weight’, no drama… just the only thing that made sense, the only sensible thing.

The ‘Geoffrey’ that allowed ‘his’ demise saw that both ‘he’ and ‘humanity’ were a fraud - “a ridiculous parade of malice and sorrow”.