Kub933's Journal

Journals
1104

So things are getting pretty incredible lately, I have been thinking how to summarise where I am finding myself and Peter’s description in the ‘actualist guide’ fits pretty well :

http://actualfreedom.com.au/actualism/path2.htm

This latter stage of Virtual Freedom is epitomized by the increasingly free operation of common sense and the diminishing of all of the instinctual passions, both the savage and the tender. One’s awareness becomes increasingly bare of the common neurosis of ‘self’-centred thinking, and apperception is able to freely operate unimpeded by the usual input of chemicals that produce the instinctual passions and emotional reactions. One’s physical senses are freed of the instinctual burden of being constantly on-guard and more and more sensual delight becomes abundantly apparent. Having none of the instinctual drives operating and traditional values and meanings to hang on to can be quite discerning, to say the least, and a learning or accustomizing period is necessary for this new way of living.
As the immensity of Actual Freedom becomes apparent it becomes obvious that what one is doing is preparing the ground for the final step – reducing the gap and ‘testing the water’, so to speak, as one lives increasingly naked of any psychic protection. Another stunning aspect of this period is that one is clearly able to see the psychic world in operation – the usual game of psychic attack and defence, blame and forgiveness, remorse and revenge, etc. that is constantly played out between all human beings. All sorts of explorations can be made into this world depending upon one’s predilections.

As I write this now there is this incredibly juicy sensate world all around, the past and the future are virtually gone, without the emotional backing they cannot hold sway.
I find I am able to explore various aspects of the instinctual programming with a clarity that I did not have before, it’s as if the human condition is all out in the open around me, I am able to sensibly observe it and contemplate it with a fascinated attention.

There is still a quality of things waxing and waning though, I find I can broadly categorise 3 states I find ‘myself’ in :

1- Is best described by what Devika wrote in Richard’s Journal, that ‘my’ state of ‘being’ is virtually comparable to the ambience of the PCE. This is the cutting edge of things and it’s very incredible.

2 - Is when I find that there is still perfection and purity all around but I can locate ‘myself’ palpably in the centre as a ball of affect. This is not quite a flashing red light yet because pure intent is still dynamically working away.

3 - Is when I find that the emotion has infiltrated ‘my’ experience to such an extent where the ‘self’ centred-thinking is dominating, where the past and the future hold sway once more, where ‘I’ am trying to regain control - This is certainly a flashing red light and the goal has been to get out of that dead end ASAP.

It is simple on one hand because all it takes is to continue allowing the perfection and purity, but at the same time this takes a certain amount of daring, over and over and then some more.

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1105

Yes @Kub933! :raised_hands:t2: I wish I could plaster your post with more reaction emojis but this will have to do.

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I have been having a lot of fun investigating the human condition recently… I remember the other day watching my dog poncho as he was trying to dig himself the perfect lair inside of my hoodie, of course he just ended up scratching the thing for ages without achieving much :laughing: He is simply programmed by blind nature to perform certain actions, now this programming did not develop in houses with sofas and hoodies and so the behaviour misses the mark.

But this is exactly how I see the human condition these days, and it’s fascinating just how much of human behaviour, of all the stuff that is going on is happing in this very same manner. The social arises directly out of the instinctual and is part of the same package. All of those ‘human dramas’ are merely refinements of the crude instinctual programming that one can observe in animals.

The fascinating thing is that the entire world seems to be completely blind to this, it is as if this is secret knowledge. I can go on social media and I see post after post displaying the same core instinctual behaviours merely refined into what appears to be some ‘human wisdom’ and then argued over back and forth.
I am just watching a podcast with Richard Dawkins and he is still looking for the origin of the universe, he is still sneaking in the idea of design, essentially he is still looking at the universe through the ‘human lens’, which itself is rooted in the crude instinctual programming.

It is very clear that as human beings now we are still crippled by the instincts flowing from our animal heritage and the extent of this seems to be impossible to grasp unless one is able to access something outside of ‘humanity’, to look from a vantage point that is outside all of that.

This is why very intelligent people still end up falling for the very same illusions, and even worse they have the brain power to refine these into much more troublesome machinations. It is quite mind blowing the extent to which all of ‘my’ behaviour, and therefore all of ‘human’ behaviour is simply blind instinctual programming in operation.
Once this is seen it makes complete sense why you cannot combat the wisdom of the real world, because the one being spoken with can only bounce from one piece of programming to the other, and they are completely blind to this unless they can view from a vantage point which exists outside of the programming altogether.

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Further on this explains why it is impossible to effect any genuine change by appealing to any piece of that programming, which is to say that the only way is for individual human beings to eradicate the human condition within themselves.
Otherwise it is truly the blind leading the blind and to an extent that is rather mind blowing. It’s fascinating to contemplate that who ‘I’ am as an identity is this very programming. There is no differentiation between ‘me’ and this programming that I am observing all around.

Normally ‘I’ would fancy ‘myself’ as someone special, ‘I’ would dissociate from ‘my’ roots and become an individual ‘I’ which is separate from ‘humanity’, and thus ‘my’ cage is created. As Devika wrote ‘I’ live in ‘my’ splendid isolation.
It’s interesting that lately there is a noticeable lack of self-centricity, as in ‘I’ no longer have ‘my’ splendid isolation, now ‘I’ can be seen clearly.

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Actually I may be incorrect here as there is 1 piece of that programming which will get the job done and that is ‘my’ altruistic self-immolation.

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I have been contemplating something which I initially encountered in a book I was reading - ‘the better angels of our nature’ by Steven Pinker.

The author points out that although many democratic countries have lower rates of violent conflicts, this effect seems to only apply to countries where democracy developed from ‘bottom up’, that is to say it is the end product of many different cultural shifts which built upon themselves over a stretch of time.

What happens in countries where democracy is applied ‘top down’, as an ideology would, is that the government is further destabilised.

I found this quite fascinating both in relation to the topic at hand and also with regards to ‘my’ relationship to this universe. I notice that ‘I’ operate ‘top down’ in exactly this way, as in ‘I’ demand (based on ‘my’ limited understanding) that this moment happen according to ‘my’ beliefs.

But just like democracy failing when applied ‘top down’ without proper consideration to the ground on which it is being built upon, ‘I’ equally have no access to the richness and complexity which is the backbone of this moment. How could ‘I’ (this tiny insignificant ‘I’) know better than this universe how this moment should eventuate, what hubris that is!

Just like a stable democracy developing from ‘bottom up’, this moment happens organically, it is a product of such richness and complexity, from which at best ‘I’ can take a distorted snapshot and then try to force it ‘top down’ onto another moment. But what a silly game that is in the end because ‘I’ always miss the mark, better to give way to this richness. It is such a release to admit, finally admit, that this universe knows better :laughing:

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So reading @Felix’s recent post - Felix's Diary - #247 by Felix specifically the below :

Now I’m going a whole ‘nother route - and it feels great. As my regular self I’m becoming caring, considerate and emotionally available

This made me consider how I experience myself lately, something that I have noticed the past week or so is that I do not have the capacity to become sharp or severe anymore, and this has been pressure tested by various circumstances.
But the fascinating thing is how solid this change has been, as in there has not been a single instance in the past week or so when I have become sharp, severe or otherwise fell into a mood. As @claudiu wrote there are times when a powerful affective current (which is ‘me’) can be raging through and yet somehow it is crippled - it doesn’t have the capacity to morph into a full blown psychological operation (how ‘I’ would usually experience ‘myself’), so all in all it seems virtually impossible to get into a mood.

Which means those times are now opportunities to explore the depths of ‘my’ being. What is becoming clear though is that at some point ‘I’ have to go in ‘my’ entirety, that no matter how well ‘I’ resolve whatever remaining dramas, ‘I’ will still remain as a feeling being. It seems this is the benefit of going thus far in purifying ‘myself’. Seeing that ultimately ‘I’ still remain as a feeling being, that this cannot be chipped away at, that it can only be eliminated as a whole.

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So it seems things are still moving forward which is great! There is definitely a dynamic aspect to how things are playing out day by day. Things still come up but they do not stick, rather they are immediately divulged by attentiveness. And in this way bits of ‘me’ are falling away, this seems to be made possible because of the ongoing connection to the perfection and purity. With perfection and purity so easily accessible all around ‘I’ can accept being redundant and vacate the scene bit by bit.

It’s interesting to see that there are maybe 2 main themes which persist at this point, and even those are kind of phasing in and out, at times they dominate somewhat and then they are seen as unnecessary and fall back. But each day I find that it is those themes which are fading into the background and it is the perfection and purity which is starting to take centre stage.

Which means I am getting a good look at those last ‘identity commitments’, it is perfection and purity in one hand and ‘identity commitments’ in the other, at this point though the scale is strongly leaning towards the perfection and purity, which means the ‘identity commitments’ are being viewed from an entirely different vantage point.

It is easy to spot the difference between them too, that which is left of ‘my’ identity requires to be continually maintained, there is a certain painful effort this takes, ‘I’ don’t get to rest as long as ‘I’ remain an identity, for ‘I’ must maintain ‘myself’. Whereas living the perfection and purity there is no such burden of having to maintain ‘myself’.

It’s interesting because I specifically remember when I was a teenager, having this sense that I lost something, I could remember this faint sense of something precious which I lived as a child which was all of a sudden completely absent from my life, and I just didn’t know how to get it back, or maybe it never existed in the first place…

Nowadays that something precious which was lost has been re-discovered and is being lived more and more each day. It’s like being back to the place before ‘I’ took on the burden of being a ‘who’, in a word it is naiveté :smiley:

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Some more fun explorations…

So there is quite a lot going on these days in terms of the ‘in the marketplace’ type stuff. It’s a very interesting thing to be involved in because ‘I’ am at the same time stepping off the stage, at a time when apparently ‘I’ am most needed haha!

It seems there are all these things to do, to control for, to account for etc and yet ‘I’ am doing less and less, somehow though the cogs are still turning, things are still being done and all is well.

This is making something very clear, essentially that there is life as it actually happens and then there is ‘me’, all those ‘things to do/control/account for’ only exist in ‘my’ world, they have naught to do with life as it actually happens.
It is as if ‘I’ am running all these side quests (masquerading as the main thing) which are completely unnecessary, meanwhile the things which actually require attention happen without ‘my’ involvement anyways.
And it has always been like this, I notice that whenever there was a particularly complex thing ahead, ‘I’ only got in the way, but ultimately what needed to be done would happen.

The funny thing as well is that ‘I’ would typically get resentful of that burden, of having to ‘do/control/account for’ all these things and yet when there was a quiet period ‘I’ would begin to feel restless, like ‘I’ don’t know what to do with ‘myself’.

And this exposes ‘my’ MO, which is essentially like a generator of things which have naught to do with the facts, and then passionately getting involved in dramas around it. It’s like the people who are afraid of having nothing to do so they fill their life with busyness and then resent the stress this ends up causing them! :laughing:

What I notice is that the things which actually require attention (the facts) have a way of making themselves known, they are substantial and therefore they can be addressed, they are here right in front of me.

Whereas all those ‘things to do/control/account for’ are generated by ‘me’ and therefore they are not substantial, they cannot be grasped and therefore they inevitably create anxiety. How can one address something that does not actually exist? Only by reverting to imagination, belief, hope, trust etc.

Which means that to deal with facts inevitably leads to confidence (and therefore security) whereas to deal with beliefs inevitably leads to uncertainty (and therefore stress and anxiety). But the significant thing here is that ‘my’ entire worldview, all those ‘things to do/control/account for’ are the latter.
So indeed it can be seen that even when busy in the marketplace ‘I’ have no part in anything other than causing confusion and anxiety. It is a big burden to drop, to consider living a life where ‘I’ am no longer needed to ‘do/control/account for’ anything. Where that which requires attention presents itself naturally, it is right here and therefore ‘I’ do not have to painfully plan ahead (with the only tools available to ‘me’, such as hope and belief). To live this would be to live free of stress and free of anxiety AND things are still being done.

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And I know I am on the right track towards this when there is that ‘holiday atmosphere’ or experiencing what Richard wrote in his journal - that in actuality it is the festive season all year round. In short ‘I’ end up with nothing else to do but enjoying and appreciating.

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Perhaps what you describe is one of the aspects that has cost me the most to be able to advance on the wondrous path. I have a very demanding job, where many people depend on my decisions, in a very competitive political environment, with dirty wars often occurring. Therefore my personality has become defensive and at certain times, when stress reigns, aggressive. From 2019 to date I have been dismantling that way of being and putting into practice another way of solving the urban problems of public administration. I notice how more and more my colleagues value and recognize my way of being as highly equanimous, peaceful, cheerful and patient. Something that is particularly valued in high moments of conflict. However, I know that many times I repress emotions to stay calm and that is not the best. This year in particular I have managed to avoid that mechanism and keep my hands in my pockets allowing all kind of emotions to emerge.

A moment of strong change in laboral terms is coming and perhaps new, more difficult responsibilities will be delegated to me. I feel a little nervous about it, because I don’t want to lose what “I have advanced” and at the same time I realize that there is nothing to lose, since “what is advanced” has consisted of “ceasing to be” something that will no longer return. The only thing left is to continue dismantling and definitively release the last bits of control, at some point, to allow this body to take complete charge of itself and whatever life presents to it.

Furthermore, the last PCE has given me all the confidence I needed to continue doing it. A permanent task is to remember it and thus recover, every time it is lost, the pure intent connection.

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So I have been down with some serious flu the past few days, and yet I have been experiencing the most incredible things, I have wondered at times if it was some delirium caused by the flu haha but I am on the mend now and things are getting even more incredible.

What I have been experiencing is what @Vineeto was alluding to here (Claudiu's Journal - #189 by Vineeto) :

Have a great ride and enjoy it to the max while it lasts

Indeed what I am experiencing now is a ride of a lifetime, it is something that I am struggling to put into words but it’s simply unmatched by anything that came before. The flavour of these experiences is exactly what @claudiu wrote recently :

I remember Richard saying something to me like, once you are actually free your experience is like you have been like that your entire life. I said something like, but that is very strange because you weren’t like that your entire life – and he agreed that it is very strange (he emphasized the “very strange”)

And it is this ‘very strange’ aspect that I cannot put into words but it is beyond wonderful to experience. How is it that I am having experiences where it is as if ‘I’ and ‘reality’ never existed in the first place, where the actual world is simply the only thing in existence, where it has always been like this and it could not be any other way.

And yet there is the memory (fading though) of ‘my’ life and of ‘reality’, did it ever exist? The weirdest thing is that this can flip in a matter of seconds, as in 1 moment ‘I’ exist and do ‘my’ thing and then the next it’s as if ‘I’ never existed in the first place.

It’s like some weird amnesia and I find myself yo-yoing between these, but the whole thing is utterly safe, there is not even a trace of fear or resistance to this, it’s such a delight to experience myself like this.

It seems the most wonderful thing about actuality is that it is all there is! Seeing this brings a safety and a completeness that has to be experienced to be known, it is indeed beyond ‘my’ wildest dreams.

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Kuba: And it is this ‘very strange’ aspect that I cannot put into words but it is beyond wonderful to experience. How is it that I am having experiences where it is as if ‘I’ and ‘reality’ never existed in the first place, where the actual world is simply the only thing in existence, where it has always been like this and it could not be any other way.
And yet there is the memory (fading though) of ‘my’ life and of ‘reality’, did it ever exist? The weirdest thing is that this can flip in a matter of seconds, as in 1 moment ‘I’ exist and do ‘my’ thing and then the next it’s as if ‘I’ never existed in the first place.
It’s like some weird amnesia and I find myself yo-yoing between these, but the whole thing is utterly safe, there is not even a trace of fear or resistance to this, it’s such a delight to experience myself like this.
It seems the most wonderful thing about actuality is that it is all there is! Seeing this brings a safety and a completeness that has to be experienced to be known, it is indeed beyond ‘my’ wildest dreams.

Hi @Kuba,
What a marvellous wondrous ride indeed!

Are you perhaps wondering – in “seeing this brings a safety and a completeness” – why you would want to continue to “flip in a matter of seconds” ?

Is it because … perchance … there is still one job to do ?
The last job … to give permission … to allow it to happen … forevermore … irrevocably …

[Richard]: Thus the search for meaning amidst the debris of the much-vaunted human hopes and dreams and schemes has come to its timely end. With the end of both ‘I’ and ‘me’, the distance or separation between both ‘I’ and ‘me’ and these sense organs – and thus the external world – disappears. To be living as the senses is to live a clear and clean awareness – apperception – a pure consciousness experience of the world as-it-is. Because there is no ‘I’ as a thinker (a little person inside one’s head) or a ‘me’ as a feeler (a little person in one’s heart) – to have sensations happen to them, I am the sensations. The entire affective faculty vanishes … blind nature’s software package of instinctual passions is deleted. There is nothing except the series of sensations which happen … not happening to an ‘I’ or a ‘me’ but just happening … moment by moment … one after another. To live life as these sensations, as distinct from having them, engenders the most astonishing sense of freedom and magic. Consequently, I am living in peace and tranquillity; a meaningful peace and tranquillity. Life is intrinsically purposeful, the reason for existence lies openly all around. Being this very air I live in, I am constantly aware of it as I breathe it in and out; I see it, I hear it, I taste it, I smell it, I touch it, all of the time. It never goes away – nor has it ever been away – it was just that ‘I’/‘me’ was standing in the way of the meaning of life being apparent. (Articles, Richard’s Resume)

Cheers Vineeto

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Yes thank you @Vineeto, you couldn’t be more accurate with your suggestion because this question has been burning inside me so much so that it just continued through the night whilst sleeping, only to wake up to your post.

I was wondering why is it that ‘I’ still come back? Because this sense of magic that I am experiencing is beyond compare, and yet ‘I’ come back…

But just like one cannot self immolate in a PCE, ‘I’ still have a job to do when ‘I’ flip back, this is why ‘I’ flip back.

This flavour of magical sweetness that I am experiencing, it is so profound that it is impossible not to commit.
It is a familiar flavour but it has never been this imminent, the flavour is of the final destination. At times I wonder could it really be this wonderful, and yes it is exactly what is here for all of humankind.

So that’s as far as it goes for now, yet something seems very imminent.

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Hi Kuba,

Yes, this is the flavour I perceive from your post.

You can have supreme confidence to allow the universe to do the rest.

Enjoy the sweetness and the magic.

Cheers Vineeto

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1119

Some more notes on how things are going, and they are going so wonderfully. It is clear that something shifted recently, things have gone onto a whole other gear. The enjoyment and appreciation which I am experiencing is of a different kind, it seems anhedonic in nature, it is the direct experience of the perfection and purity which is all around, or perhaps it is filtered by ‘me’ but so very slightly that it is impossible to tell.

It’s as if some last barrier has been removed and now my experience is almost constantly suffused with this magical sweetness or this fairytale like quality. I notice that there is no resistance from ‘me’ anymore. I remember in the past there was always a fear to allow the perfection and purity, this is simply no longer the case, perhaps that is the ‘last barrier’ which went. Now I am so happily allowing it and delighting in it, I was looking for a good word to describe the quality of my ongoing experiencing and something Peter wrote came to mind - it is ambrosial!

And it seems I cannot get away from it (neither would I want to haha), it is a rock solid foundation. It is this quiet contentment at being here, and it is tasted in anything and everything, as Richard wrote :

Life is intrinsically purposeful, the reason for existence lies openly all around. Being this very air I live in, I am constantly aware of it as I breathe it in and out; I see it, I hear it, I taste it, I smell it, I touch it, all of the time. It never goes away – nor has it ever been away

I can experience this fairy tale like existence and I can see that it is already complete, there is no space for ‘me’. And yet ‘I’ still have 1 very important job to do, I can see now what Richard meant that he owed all that he lived to ‘me’, because indeed ‘I’ have a very important role to play, ‘I’ am the one to cheerfully and willingly self-immolate and thus make way for the perfection and purity.

I have never seen this from this angle before, I always saw it as something ‘I’ have to resentfully ‘get over and done with’. But it is not so, ‘I’ am very much needed in order to actualise what the universe intends. It makes ‘my’ petty life all worth it in the end, ‘I’ can gladly sacrifice ‘myself’ to allow this perfect destiny, ‘I’ can go out in a blaze of glory.

So it’s not that ‘I’ have to do it, ‘I’ get to do it, ‘I’ get to grant this gift and ‘I’ am the only one who can grant it.

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This sounds truly wonderful :))

Could you go into some more detail of what that “last barrier” was and what led to it being removed?

I ask for pragmatic purposes :))

Cheers,
Claudiu

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So I don’t think I can pinpoint what led to the change (although I will see if an answer comes up), I first noticed something was different when I was at the same time down with a very strong flu so there was a lot going on experientially haha.

The difference I observe in myself now vs before is that before there was the experience of the breaks no longer working as well as the perfection and purity actively working away on ‘me’ as the ‘beer’. So there was often various strong affective responses arising due to this. Although the ‘doer’ is out of the way, the ‘beer’ is laid bare for the perfection and purity to work away.

It seems now ‘I’ as the ‘beer’ no longer have those reactions, as in there is no affective storms stirred up by the experience of perfection and purity. Which means that whatever was polluting the experience is no longer present. And it seems it is this lack of affective pollution which took the experience to the next level, with this utterly pristine, magical quality being apparent now.

So before there was the active connection to pure intent but it also came with some ‘affective shrapnel’, it’s as if that very same connection has remained but because ‘I’ fully stopped screaming and shouting it can now be appreciated for what it is.

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Since yesterday I have been fascinated by the fact that allowing happiness and harmlessness is the most caring and selfless thing to be done. It is interesting because within ‘humanity’ it is held that it is the one who is prepared to suffer the most who is a good person, that the one who allows happiness for themselves is selfish or has sold their soul to the devil, yet the facts are exactly the opposite.

Firstly it is impossible to be genuinely happy without at the same time being harmless, those people who are seen to cause chaos in pursuit of ‘happiness’ are actually deeply unhappy and thus desperately looking for the next fix of good feelings.

Also it is those people who are devoured by their various dramas and demons who are the most self involved, and in the process they are the ones causing the most harm both to themselves and others. Now they have a choice - to be happy (and therefore harmless) a choice that would benefit both them and those around them (everybody wins) and yet this choice would require that they relinquish a precious part of ‘themselves’.

The choice to remain as ‘I’ am and thus continue causing harm to all is the uncaring one, it is the selfish one. The choice to allow happiness and harmlessness and thus benefit all is the caring one, and it is the selfless one.

I remember reading Peter mention this, that merely chasing after ‘my’ gratification is insufficient motivation, and this makes sense now. Because if ‘I’ am motivated in this self-centred way ‘I’ will remain exactly as ‘I’ am and thus continue causing harm to all, neither happiness nor harmlessness will be allowed as ‘I’ will choose to remain unchanged.

They key then is to see the full picture, to see the harm ‘I’ am causing to all concerned (including myself) by remaining as ‘I’ am. I find it fascinating how this segues into actual freedom, that in the end to ensure actual (and irrevocable) happiness and harmlessness (and thus to benefit all) ‘I’ have to give up ‘myself’ altogether.

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Only when I cared enough to give all of ‘me’ to another person, to give them what they want most, was I then ready to give it to the one I cared for most, the one I was closest to, and then I was able to leave all remnant concerns and inhibitions of my identity behind.

I have had a lot of fun contemplating this one, it dawned on me yesterday that the same thing applies in reverse, that I cannot genuinely want a freedom for another which I do not dare to grant myself.

But investigating this further I realise this is exactly the normal order of operations within ‘humanity’. Such as urging the other to “not worry about X as you are perfect as you are” and yet being devoured by insecurity oneself. How could I sincerely urge the other to live that which I do not dare to live myself? Surely then I do not know what I speak of.

So this kind of operation is a ploy, ‘I’ do not dare to proceed and instead settle for dishing out platitudes, then vicariously receiving some good feelings through urging the other to live that which ‘I’ cannot live myself.

The funny thing is that as always everything is back to front within ‘humanity’, because those who operate exactly in this way are seen as good and selfless… “Look how little they think of themselves and yet they urge all others to love themselves!” Yet the only fitting words I can pick for such a persona is a fraud and a hypocrite, and ‘they’ know this deep down hence the need to remain humble.

So as I wrote recently, the choice to allow happiness and harmlessness is actually the selfless choice, it is the caring and considerate choice and furthermore it is the daring choice. Because I do not merely get to sit back and dish out platitudes, in genuinely wanting a freedom for another I recognise that I must be daring enough to live this freedom myself. Otherwise my wish for their freedom would be empty, because I simply do not know what I speak of, I have not been daring enough to discover this freedom for myself.

So in the end whichever side I look from it is the same thing, and the outcome can only be action. Only when ‘I’ am ready to give to another what they want most am ‘I’ ready to grant this freedom to myself, BUT by the same token if ‘I’ genuinely want this freedom for another, there can only be action left.

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