Mushrooms PCE

jesus.carlos · 19 July 2024 18:16

I had a PCE or “vision of perfection” of that actual world in which there is no drama, no need, no resistance, no defense mechanism. Only a vast stillness, a sweetness perneating everything and a great sense of humor: I recorded, with all clarity, that in the actual and free world there is no seriousness, only an absolute sincerity product of the purity inherent to this universe. With all this, it only remained for me to express “I have absolute confidence in this universe, since it has brought me to this moment.”

It all happened after having ingested fungi, with the chemical component of psilocybin. The PCE occurred after several episodes of contemplation, appreciation, introspection and “fight” with an alien entity inhabiting this body, which later came to be understood as a mere human condition being denied, to finally integrate as an other dimension of ‘me’ or me in my core. After the moment of struggle-recognition-integration, a deep cry ensued, an emotional discharge that allowed me to drain myself and reduce myself to a minimum. At the end I noticed that there was only pure “love”, or rather “pure sweetness” (in principle I didn’t mind distinguishing one from the other, but I know that the first one could take me to an ASC and translate into an increase of the ‘I’, but it didn’t happen).

I was in that PCE for several minutes, and later came back for a couple of hours (the effect of mushrooms was very soft at this time), in which I was contemplating nature, the trees, the birds, the rocks, the plants, and then the stars, the moon, and greatly enjoying the company of my partner, without any record of any emotional compulsion (just “sweetness, sweetness, sweetness” and an absence of separation, which generated a deep atmosphere of intimacy).

Between one PCE and the other, I was trying to understand the connection with pure intent, which would allow me to keep the golden thread and access to perfection again. Even today, a few days away, I maintain that pure connection, which allows me to easily move from feeling neutral to feeling good and from time to time from feeling good to feeling excellent. I haven’t managed to go any further and I’m on it, trying to investigate what’s stopping me. I note the reactivation of a certain fear, on a subtle level, of releasing again the controls. And thanks to the previous experience, I know that this resistance is “me”, it is the human condition, it is what at that moment was fully integrated and gave its place to the actual world.

Thank you Richard, Vineeto, Peter, and everyone here, because it was essential to be able to reach this experience, to have a map that would prevent my loss in other directions. That, the desire to be free and sincerity were and are the key.

A final note: during the PCE I was able to ask myself a couple of times, is this what I want? And the answer was: definitely yes!

Vineeto · 20 July 2024 11:59

[…] Between one PCE and the other, I was trying to understand the connection with pure intent, which would allow me to keep the golden thread and access to perfection again. Even today, a few days away, I maintain that pure connection, which allows me to easily move from feeling neutral to feeling good and from time to time from feeling good to feeling excellent. I haven’t managed to go any further and I’m on it, trying to investigate what’s stopping me. I note the reactivation of a certain fear, on a subtle level, of releasing again the controls. And thanks to the previous experience, I know that this resistance is “me”, it is the human condition, it is what at that moment was fully integrated and gave its place to the actual world.
Thank you Richard, Vineeto, Peter, and everyone here, because it was essential to be able to reach this experience, to have a map that would prevent my loss in other directions. That, the desire to be free and sincerity were and are the key.
A final note: during the PCE I was able to ask myself a couple of times, is this what I want? And the answer was: definitely yes!

Hi @Jesus.Carlos,

This is perhaps the most comprehensive and all-encompassing PCE-report I have read. It has all the ingredients a leisurely experienced PCE can have, including establishing the golden clew to access pure intent.

Now, it seems, there is nothing in the way to you enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive each moment of your life.
You only need to actualize what you already know and have described so well. What a great time to be alive!

With appreciation
Vineeto

jesus.carlos · 24 July 2024 18:00

@Vineeto, thank you so much for your very kind response to my report, it encouraged me to find it in the right track. In order to keep on it, I want to share the continuity of my experience:

Until yesterday it had been relatively easy to keep the pure intent, but recently some fears were reactivated. I have been trying to remember the access to PCE and the subsequent way to reconnect with pure intent. But it’s not being easy. Some context could help: what allowed me to access the PCE (aided by the effect of the mushrooms) was the integration of that alien entity, that is, the step of stopping seeing it as something foreign to me and rather recognizing it as myself, a part of me that was being denied, rejected. Even more context: I am in a bonding process with my partner, we have gone through difficult months, in which each of us has had to make changes to be able to be together, in the best way, and what I have been dealing with the most has been the fear of rejection or abandonment. So prior to accessing PCE, I experienced a breakdown of all my defenses, of those protective mechanisms that I was using to protect myself from that potential rejection or abandonment by my partner. Instead, an immense feeling of sweetness, or non-possessive, free love, etc. arose.

I could see that this feeling came from me and was 100% mine, genuine and independent of her. That is to say, it was not the result of an action on her part, but rather an action on my part: leaving fear behind and any resistance that prevented true intimacy between us. I discovered that putting myself in a situation of total vulnerability and openness to any event, without expecting specific results, was what was missing on my part. That act of sincerity was what allowed my being to integrate and then I began to experience enormous sweetness, in everything, inside and outside of me, in what surrounded me, etc. This gave rise to PCE: experiencing perfection, that nothing is needed, that everything is good and safe, all that was required was my total participation, relaxation and abandonment of all fear. At that moment I could see that I felt ready to die, in case death came. That I had reached in that moment, the main goal. I always remained clear that it was a passing moment, and not something permanent, as I know the changing nature of the human experience well enough (and the temporary effect of mushrooms). But once it was gone, I was able to intentionally return to it, a couple of times, through pure intent: to focus all my attention on this one moment of being alive and enjoy it, appreciate it, without any reservation and allow myself to be amazed by all its splendor. That reactivated the PCE a second time and lasted until the end of the day. The next day I no longer experienced PCE, but my feelings were harmless and happy. And they were like that until yesterday, when I once again felt afraid of possible rejection or abandonment by my partner.

I share all this with the intention of getting some feedback, but above all to clarify again the steps that led me to pure intent and the PCE:

Awareness and consideration regarding her process, firm decision to stop pressuring her seeking to obtain emotional certainties on her part.
Awareness of all my resistances, defenses, fears, doubts.
Awareness of my own value: moment in which I could see, with complete clarity, that we are autonomous beings and free to decide what each one wants and desires and that everything will be fine under the pure and sincere intention of living the best life or possible way. If they reject or abandon me it has nothing to do with my own integrity, I am worth what I am worth, no more and no less.
Integration of everything I reject: my imperfection, my fears, my doubts, my different ways of being. Integrity, embracing everything without leaving anything out.
Vulnerability and nakedness: recognizing all my imperfections and fears and letting others see them, despite the fear of being rejected or hurt.
Overcoming fear through the experience of sweetness, starting with me but finding complete resonance in everything else. The sweetness is not mine but from the benevolent universe, of which I am a part. Synchronization with it.
Experience of perfection: this moment is perfect, it contains everything, immaculate, absolute meaning, total understanding, I am not there or I am in the background, the important thing is everything else, these mountains, this person next to me, this bench, table, birds, clouds, the perfection of everything that is and exists.
Confirmation that in this perfection the sense of humor operates to the maximum, perfection is fun, jovial, free, there is no need to be serious, nor to pretend anything, there is no falsehood, only sincerity and lightness.
Total trust in this universe that has brought me to this moment. Recognition that is guiding my steps, despite all my doubts and fears, because I have maintained the intention of finding total peace and eradication of all violence. I see the fruits and I know that it will continue to be like this until the end.
Reactivation of pure intent through attention to this single moment of being alive with complete appreciation and enjoyment, whatever it may be.

Apologies if I have been too long, but I wanted to give as much detail as possible.

As I finish writing all this I am once again experiencing the pure intent, some tears of sweetness even run down my cheeks. I observe that my fears are activated by a rigidity on my part, an inflexibility in the face of changing situations, a harsh judgment on my abilities. I had forgotten to treat myself like my own best friend and instead was taking up being my own worst judge.

Life is great, full of second chances.

Kub933 · 25 July 2024 09:12

This one is such a great thing to see, and of course the same applying to each and every fellow human being, this is also what I was describing here https://discuss.actualism.online/t/this-moment-has-no-duration/286/111:

That this enormous and infinitely complex universe even exists in the first place, and further that it has arranged itself into the azure planet called earth, and further that this planet is teeming with life, and further that from all of this a thinking and reflective creature was born, and further that as this creature the universe is able to experience itself - WOW.
I realise that all of the above is this body’s and every body’s birthright, and this brings a depth to the words “fellow human being” which I can’t quite put into words.

The integrity of what I actually am vs the self-esteem of who ‘I’ really am is such a precious thing to behold. I remember a PCE I had a couple of years ago, where I was walking around the neighbourhood near my work and I saw some women in burkas, I remember specifically making the observation that it would be impossible for me to get into any kind of conflict over this or that belief, because I no longer saw them as identities (regardless of what they chose to do with their lives) they were fellow human beings which means this integrity or this intrinsic value was the only way I could experience them.

But it is not so in the real world hey? In the real world where the hierarchy exists one’s value is conditional upon their performance as an identity and can forever shift, this is such a painful existence to be devoid of this integrity or this intrinsic value.

I find this quite fascinating because this is one of those last dramas that I find myself circling these days. This sense of having to perform in order to claim some kind of worth, whilst at the same time being devoid of intrinsic worth, so the chase never stops.
As you wrote though in the PCE it is seen that this moment is already complete, that nothing needs to be done and this extends to the fact that being what I actually am there is no longer a need to perform in order to earn my worth, this is such a big burden to drop.

I do find it very sweet that in actuality the hierarchy does not exist, as in it is impossible to place one fellow human beings worth above/below another, and furthermore each and every human being’s integrity has such deep roots that it cannot be shaken, it is a given.

Kub933 · 25 July 2024 09:22

The thing which is fascinating me now is that with the death of the hierarchy it is a situation where everybody wins, as in ‘I’ drop this burden of having to earn ‘my’ worth but at the same time my fellow human beings are freed from this very same burden. So it is doing it for this body, that body and everybody.

jesus.carlos · 31 July 2024 06:01

I had an EE/IE a few moments ago. In the afternoon I came home to repair walls with my partner. We were at it for a few hours. At some point I found myself in the bathroom, urinating, and reflecting on love. About the impossibility of loving without at the same time enabling space for fear. The fear of the suffering of losing what is loved. That in any case you could be brave and love as much as possible despite fear. But that was precisely the limit, never being able to free oneself from fear completely. So I was thinking about the third alternative. In moving from love to the most complete consideration and full enjoyment of the company of another human being, in total freedom. Appreciate every moment shared, to the fullest. I left the bathroom with that firm conviction and I clearly felt the pure intent activated: the predisposition to appreciate every moment of being able to experience with this human. And when we moved on to more intimate issues, the IE emerged: a highly significant increase in all sensory experience. A splendid clarity in each of the bodily sensations. There was a distinction between her body and mine, but at the same time a perfect, intense communion between each of the parts. I began to notice the transition towards a PCE, in the sense that at times the perfection of this moment became apparent. But I noticed that harmless and happy feelings were present at all times, and me at the center. There came a time when I noticed the clear disappearance of the doer and in its place a pure beer emerged, life being lived this way. That was beautiful. I thought on several occasions: this is how I want to live the rest of my days, and even further. Suddenly there were no traces of fear. Just the enormous appreciation for fully enjoying this only moment of beign alive. And when I thought about it, the awareness of the finitude of life allowed me to appreciate even more intensely the importance of that (and this) precious moment. Even as I write this I experience that power of appreciation that exponentially leads from feeling good, to feeling excellent.

I begin to notice a new floor in my way of being alive, moment by moment. And that makes me even more happier and harmless.

jesus.carlos · 31 July 2024 19:28

Some details regarding yesterday’s IE. I noticed on more than one occasion that I was suddenly over-intellectualizing what was happening, that is, thinking about it more than paying all my attention to the sensations and appreciation and enjoyment of it all. But it was enough to notice it to reverse it and return to the main thing. Also on more than one occasion objections arose, attempts by the old emotional pattern to sabotage what was happening. But I’m noticing that it’s getting easier to convince myself that I don’t need that protection mechanism anymore (actually none, but we’re taking care of the ones that arise). Attending to those distractions, and resolving those objections (recognizing their siliness, and deciding not to take that route), in light of the appreciation and enjoyment of that single moment, caused IE to become increasingly deeper, bordering on PCE. Why didn’t PCE happen? I don’t know, one hypothesis is that by being more attentive to the interaction with the other, I left aside - without observing/attending - some aspects of my psyche that remained as subtle defenses. Something that I will be investigating in future similar occasions, as long as experiential appreciation and enjoyment predominate and lead to a clearer understanding.

The potent combination of attentiveness – fascinated reflective contemplation – and sensuousness produces apperception…http://www.actualfreedom.com.au/richard/articles/attentivenesssensuousnessapperceptiveness.htm

This makes totally new sense, specially if it is happening inside the frame of appreciation and enjoyment.

jesus.carlos · 7 August 2024 16:47

The actualism method is not about undermining the passions … on the contrary, it is about directing all of that affective energy into being the felicitous/innocuous feelings (that is, ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being, which is ‘being’ itself) in order to effect a deliberate imitation of the actual, as evidenced in a PCE [a pure consciousness experience], so as to feel as happy and as harmless (as free of malice and sorrow) as is humanly possibly whilst remaining a ‘self’. Richard’s Correspondence On The Actual Freedom Mailing List with Rick

This is resonating with me in an increasingly powerful way. On Sunday, while an EE was occurring, I was struck by a deep fear. After making it as much as conscious as possible, I discovered that it was the survival instinct operating, the fear of death. Associated with this fear I found some variants: fear of being emotionally manipulated by higher powers, that is, fear of not having control of my emotional states and instead someone or something else had that control. There I notice a double intention, on the one hand the ego wanting to have control of all the situations and on the other hand a genuine concern for not having true freedom. This second aspect led me to recover pure intent through channeling that fear, that paranoia, towards the most considered, attentive and joyful experience of this single moment (appreciation). I experienced this as a concentration of affective mental energy towards this moment, reducing attention to any other imagination or narrative that had nothing to do with the sensory and affective experience of this moment.

Later I was in the kitchen, preparing a dressing (it turned out excellent), ruminating on the truth of “I’m my feelings and my feelings are me.” Suddenly I could see it with a clarity I had never experienced before. Which leads me to think that there are still dissociations operating in my psyche, which I am gradually mending, through an increasingly more constant or less oscillating appreciation and enjoyment over time.

jesus.carlos · 22 August 2024 19:01

In the past days I lost the connection with pure intent completely. And when I recovered it this morning, after feeling good, bordering on excellent, I was able to understand more clearly what was happening. I must emphasize that I couldn’t see it clearly while I was feeling bad. It all has to do with love, with falling in love. I have allowed myself to experience this feeling as much as possible, to truly know it, through my own experience and to be able to understand its mechanism, its limits. On the one hand it is something wonderful and has something positive: to “be able to love”, after falling in love (at least in my case), I have to live and overcome, in some way, the fear of rejection. I have to dare to experience vulnerability, to feel completely exposed to the other. This is in a way liberating, because it can help to look at myself and stop dissociating (not repressing fear, feeling it, living it, learning to live with it and little by little observing its disappearance as I recognize and understand the facts). But then the negative aspect arises: love becomes possessive, in the sense that it makes this feeling (and the association of it with the other) the ultimate meaning of life. When this happens, the relationship with the loved one becomes the source of well-being. I have to be aware of the ups and downs to maintain the positive energy of love. And that is extremely enslaving. For one and for the other. I became obsessive about monitoring her states and reactions. A total perversion nestled in the center of my being, in the sense that this feeling is me and nothing else. I have been exploring all the variants of love, from its most toxic version to the supposedly healthiest. In all of them there is an insurmountable limit: the fear of losing that feeling and that feeling depends largely on what the other person does or does not do. Because if it were just me, sooner or later I would end up feeling like a lonely voice in the desert.

So, fear is intrinsic to love, love depends on fear as its foundation. By recovering the pure intent I could clearly see that it was that fear and that that fear caused me to constantly feel bad, anxious, insufficient, needing to prove my worth, stressed about not getting any confirmation of it, etc. With pure intent clarity returns: happy, harmless, peaceful, soft, calm, and sweet feelings. I feel good about myself again as I am, without the need to be more (in any case, to be less, in the sense of demanding less or nothing of myself, to demonstrate my value socially speaking). A concern arises, which has already been expressed in other conversations in this forum: without the feeling of love will she want to maintain the relationship? Will I be able to stay safely and happily, with full consideration for her, without placing limits on her autonomy, without ceasing to consider her free and independent existence? The first does not depend on me and therefore requires me to completely let go of controls. The second depends on me and the only way to solve it is to try it, with the clarity that without pure intent it will be fake, artificial, and boring. With pure intent I see that I want to continue sharing with her as much as circumstances allow, without regretting when I can’t (because I will still be enjoying my life, this precious moment) and without looking for a replacement for fear of the loneliness of a narcissistic self.

I see that the same mechanism observed here applies to the professional field: I depend on the feeling of feeling important, valuable, to others, to feel that my life is worth it. With pure intent I see the possibility of continuing to do what I do without needing social retribution. It is enough to know that there is the intention to do it as best as possible, enjoying it come what may, for my own good and that of everyone else.

Without the memory of the PCE I experienced a few weeks ago, I would be more lost, confused and afraid. It has become essential to remember it to reorient myself.