It is very freeing in a way. Before, I would need to maintain an EE to some degree, and in a sense there was sort of a restriction of just what I could look at, as the EE would fade if I rocked the boat too much.
But now the boat is stable and it seems like I can freely explore anything and everything with this reliable rock-solid foundation of purity that remains unshakeable regardless. Thus I can freely explore the depths of ‘me’ without any fear or concern that the out-from-controlness will fade.
That being said I can see there is a way ‘back’ to normal if ‘I’ really wanted, and I continuously re-affirm remaining the way I am now, this new way of being, as it is better than anything that came before and I (sincerely) think to myself that I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Tuesday (July 9th) while falling asleep, I experienced an oddity that I wasn’t sure what it was. It seemed like some sort of a shift, and I quickly confirmed it wasn’t actual freedom. But nothing in particular seemed different as I drifted off to sleep.
When I woke up, as I went throughout the day, it seemed that the magicality wasn’t consistently there any longer. I’ve become increasingly sure that this is the case, and the best I can do is pin-point it to that weird July 9th shift-like feeling while falling asleep Tuesday.
Interestingly it is not like all is lost. The purity and magicality is actually readily available still! I’m experiencing it again as I’m writing this now. I’ve been feeling again like I’m an impostor or a fraud, but upon reflection, from June 23rd to July 9th my experience of being alive really was very different. And it’s like I’m not really fully back to ‘normal’ yet, which is great.
Actually what seems to happen is I want to avoid admitting something is off, but then when I finally do, together with that the magicality comes back. This is really driving home the point, especially as I write this now, that sincerity is the key!
What is also different (as in not quite ‘normal’) is that I see that nothing has to happen in the external world for me to get back to feeling good. I wrote the following to Vineeto last night:
Today the realization has been that it simply doesn’t make any sense to feel bad – about anything, ever. What, really, is the point? It actually has no point at all. There is no “there” which feeling bad gets one to. It does not bear any fruit. It never delivers any of any desired goods. The most that can happen is you become illuded that you are accomplishing something, which when you snap out of it you realize you aren’t actually. It’s really a remarkable construct!! The only thing really holding it together is a belief that “it has to be this way” (well, I guess it’s something other than that as I still sit here not free yet :)). I suppose what I mean is that its only justification is ever itself only, it is only justified with reference to itself. Or better: ‘I’ am only justified with reference to ‘myself’. Or better: I am only justified with reference to myself (as I sit here not in a PCE :))
The most perverse aspect of it all is the utter resistance to seeing this, and the nursing of sorrow and malice to one’s very core and bosom, willfully fueling it and expressing it and imposing it on others – all when not only does it not have to be this way, but utter purity and perfection lies all around, that one can literally be swimming in!
It’s like there is no “stickiness” to ‘me’ anymore. In the past if I felt bad it always (or often) felt like an insurmountable obstacle, like the feeling-badness is some external force that is tangible and can’t simply be addressed directly. But now I straightforwardly see that it is entirely a choice, and not only that but there is no “consequences” as in “punishment” by some external or universal divine entity, for feeling bad! It’s not a morally bad thing to feel bad, there is nothing that it is other than what it is, namely, feeling bad, and that is something that I can simply choose not to do anymore by realizing it is silly!
It is really wonderful writing this, there’s this joyous and wondrous delight in doing so! Now the full flavor of that magicality is back and it’s a simple matter to see the way forward again.
I would say now the reason I stopped is due to not having fully processed the ‘unravelling’ of me at my core. I know now more than I did before, experientially, that I will have to disappear in my entirety. The prospect is fearful. However, I have the tools to go forward now – tapping into that magicality, and, seeing that it is safe experiencing it as I do, and once fully established then going forward, further, bit by bit.
On July 17th, at some time during the day, I noticed that the new way of being out-from-control was happening again. It has been consistent since then, just like before
In hindsight it happened shortly after I was able to see that actual freedom was indeed as flawless and perfect and peerless as I thought it was. This allowed me to fully endorse my journey towards attaining that myself, and within a few hours I was out-from-control again.
The sheer level of refined purity, sweetness, intimacy and delight that is possible is quite astounding. And the degree to which I am seeing ever-more core details about the very structure of ‘me’, is greater than ever before.
It can be quite alarming to actually experience a powerful affective current movement as being just that, a movement that does not originate or end anywhere, but which can clearly curl in on itself so as to form what appears to be a cohesive entity (aka a ‘self’), yet is nothing but an illusion borne out of that movement itself. But the ongoing purity serving as a backdrop, allows me to not become distraught and panicky as a result.
I cannot recommend it enough. It appears to be the perfect staging ground to becoming actually free. What Vineeto wrote recently led me to realize this (emphasis added):
That is, I see now that the “like this” that I am living (further described as “the delicious, dynamic experience infused with ever increasing pure intent and experiences of sweetness”, which I can fully confirm from my own experience), is essentially a preview (albeit partial) of what actual freedom will be like.
As Richard wrote on February 1st, 2012 (curly-brackets added):
In other words, to be actually free is to be that pure intent, thus the purity and sweetness and deliciousness that are the way I am currently experiencing pure intent, is a preview of what existence will be when actually free.
I never considered that there was some continuity of the sort, I thought it was still there will be some big unknown leap at the end. And of course there is (I won’t know what it’s really like until I do it), but the gap seems to be smaller than I thought, based on that “live like this forever” from Vineeto’s recent report.
Earlier today another oddity occurred that I think was the same oddity that knocked me out of it last time. I was also half-dozing off and it’s like a weird blip after which it seemed like ‘something in the center’ was gone, but it was the same as before, clearly not actually free, and it seemed to affect the out-from-controlness somewhat.
I’ve come up with a tentative conclusion: that it is a “fruition” as I used to experience in my meditative days. There was some brief after-effect that seemed like a sense of euphoria or jubilation, which happened in both cases, and I remember happening after “fruitions” in the past. This serves as yet further evidence that meditative/spiritual paths are not only unhelpful for pursuing actual freedom but actively detrimental.
This time around I used a conscious willpower to not fall out of the out-from-controlness this time around, and I am happy to say I did not!
Claudiu: Earlier today another oddity occurred that I think was the same oddity that knocked me out of it last time. I was also half-dozing off and it’s like a weird blip after which it seemed like ‘something in the center’ was gone, but it was the same as before, clearly not actually free, and it seemed to affect the out-from-controlness somewhat.
I’ve come up with a tentative conclusion: that it is a “fruition” as I used to experience in my meditative days. There was some brief after-effect that seemed like a sense of euphoria or jubilation, which happened in both cases, and I remember happening after “fruitions” in the past. This serves as yet further evidence that meditative/spiritual paths are not only unhelpful for pursuing actual freedom but actively detrimental.
This time around I used a conscious willpower to not fall out of the out-from-controlness this time around, and I am happy to say I did not!
Hi @Claudiu,
I am delighted to read that your meticulous and successful extraction from the Buddhistic Dharma-Overground practice has had such beneficial results, just at the moment when the beginning of an altered state of consciousness (“fruition”) was about to veer you off from the ongoing actualism process (being out-from-control).
I still vaguely remember one ASC ‘Vineeto’ experienced in ‘her’ early actualism years, which lasted for 2.5 days, brought on by prematurely going for extinction where the ‘self’ flipped from a too fearful emotion to its opposite. It is recorded here (V Exploring Death & Altered States of Consciousness).
You did exceedingly well “to not fall out of the out-from-controlness”.
It is truly wonderful.
Cheers Vineeto
Reading Kuba’s latest entry, I was wondering at my own experiencing and how it compares. I have continued to wonder whether what I am experiencing is indeed what is referred to by “out-from-control”. I had this thought that it seems like I am able to put the brakes on still – certainly there is some “waxing and waning”, the level of delectation and deliciousness is not constant but vibrant and dynamic.
So then I thought ok, if I can put the brakes on then – let me do it! And I found – I could not! There are no brakes to put on . I thought this would be alarming, but it wasn’t, because I did not want to put the brakes on so it didn’t matter. However I do notice that my conscious attention can wane and then I find myself acting and feeling according to old patterns. So more properly I would say – whenever I am consciously aware of what is happening, it is not possible to purposely put the brakes on. But, if attention wanes sufficiently then old patterns emerge. But they do not have the same staying power as before. I just realized now as I’m writing this, I haven’t had to dig my way out of a hole for a while, which is how it used to be. Rather once I am aware again of what’s happening, I am aware with the benefit of that background purity and benevolence, which immediately lets me see the pattern for what it is, an illusory chimera, and then the full waxing delectation readily occurs.
Interestingly I find myself contemplating extremely basic questions now, such as: “How do I know that this is enjoyable?” Have you ever asked yourself that? It was something I just took for granted before – this is enjoyable. But how do I know? And by asking it in this way, I then quickly saw that I knew because the experience of it was enjoyable. But really seeing it in this factual way is so delicious and makes it unquestionable as to whether it is enjoyable. I don’t know if I’m getting this across very well, but it is really simple stuff and very rewarding.
Other recent questions:
Is actuality really perfect?
Do I really want this?
These simple contemplations are accompanied by a deep richness and sweetness, that I remember happening in the past only on a rare occasion, a gem of a moment that would shine out around as if out from a muddy pit, whereas now that heightened level of magicality is a daily occurrence, available essentially whenever I want it, and this regularity of it occurring does nothing to diminish from it (as in getting habituated a la the hedonic treadmill) but rather remains utterly delicious in the very quality of it.
The momentum is certainly increasing. I have so much more emotional energy on a regular basis, and nearly all of it expressed felicitously, as an outstanding joie de vivre. I fully agree with the depictions of it here (emphases added):
RICHARD: (Being out-from-control/in a different-way-of-being is quite daunting to contemplate as an on-going EE marks the end of the beginning of the end of ‘me’ and the commencement of the actualism process – as distinct from the actualism method[1] – wherein a momentum not of ‘my’ doing takes over and an inevitability sets in; in an on-going EE the actual world has the effect of impelling one towards it – like a moth to a candle as the overarching benignity and benevolence of the actual increasingly operates such as to render ‘my’ felicity/ innocuity increasingly redundant; this is where being the nearest a ‘self’ can be to innocence – the naiveté located betwixt the core of being and the sexual centre (where one is both likeable and liking) – is attached as if with a golden thread or clew[2] to the purity of actual innocence; an on-going EE is, thus, where one becomes acclimatised to benignity and benevolence and the resultant blitheness because the purity of the actual is so powerful that it would ‘blow the fuses’ if one was to venture into this territory ill-prepared). [link]
and:
RICHARD: In effect, the actualism process is what ensues when one gets out from being under control, via having given oneself prior permission to have one’s life live itself (i.e., sans the controlling doer), and a different way of being comes about (i.e., where the beer is the operant) – whereupon a thrilling out-from-control momentum takes over and an inevitability sets in – whereafter there is no pulling back (hence the reluctance in having it set in motion) as once begun it is nigh-on unstoppable. [link]
One note on the “blow the fuses” comment, however – although at times it feels like it is overwhelming and may be ‘too much’, nevertheless it never is ‘too much’. However these periods of increased intensity appear to come about unbidden, and even if I wanted to stop them (which I don’t) I’m not sure how I would. So, one has to be sure this is what one wants – I don’t think it would happen if one isn’t sure, in any case.
And a note: one does not have to be 100% sure one wants to self-immolate, yet – I gather that if I were 100% sure it would already have happened. One just has to be sure one wants to take the next step, and that it is safe to do so. You don’t have to commit t othe entire thing all at once. You just need to be sufficiently sure of the successes you have had so far, and that you want more in that direction – and then you can take the next step.
Previously I thought that to be free I would have to sort of gather up all my intent and wits and make a ‘push’ into that direction and hope the stars aligned just right so that actuality can take ‘me’ away, or something like this. And then when I failed I would drop back down to a much lower level. Now I see that, although it does seem to be the case that one could self-immolate at any point, the more sensible approach is to continue up-leveling in that direction, until you are so “close” that it is just inevitably bound to happen.
Everything becomes just increasingly obvious and straightforward and I wonder why people cannot see it. For example, the topic of a potential conflict with a partner came up. And it was so obvious: of course, the sensible thing to do in this case, is bring full awareness and understanding to everything about the situation, take everything into account, with full sincerity, consideration, and caring, and then actually take steps to address the conflict! I saw that in the past I would be reticent to fully delve into the problem, because of the completely nonsensical reasoning that if I fully saw that there was a problem, then it would bother me! In other words, I would rather bury my head in the sand and pretend it’s ok to avoid the emotional discomfort of dealing with the situation. And this is so utterly self-centered, it is literally me being self-centered and avoiding resolving an issue because it makes me feel uncomfortable! How utterly absurd.
What I find increasingly lovely is becoming aware of and recognizing that I don’t need to plan out my day in the way I used to before. These thoughts come of oh I should do this or that today, and I realize I don’t have to keep these thoughts in mind as in to formulate a plan. I am becoming increasingly aware of the fact that I will end up doing what is sensible. I find that I end up doing essentially the same sorts of things I would be doing before, anyway, including stuff I didn’t plan that I just follow out of my own curiosity and predilections – whereas before I would feel guilty on top of it that I wasn’t doing what I “should”, now I don’t feel guilty at all, and I would say I actually end up doing more of the stuff I thought I “should” do anyways. It is win-win-win.
It is also helpful to see the contrast between this and “normal”. I was just commenting to someone that when I water the garden, I like to revel in the sensuosity of it, the water dripping down the plants, the greenery, the delight of being outside and doing what it is I am doing. This was so obvious to me and delightful and obvious that anyone could do it, which is why I shared it, to encourage them to experience it that way too. And their response was that when they water the garden, they are just bored and annoyed about the hose being difficult to get out. It was such a stark contrast, and they did not pick up at all on what I was suggesting, as something that they, themselves could do.
So it is good to see how far beyond ‘normal’ this is, as it is actually remarkably easy and natural to get accustomed to what I am experiencing now as being “normal”. And it is normal in the sense of it has become usual for me, but it is definitely not “normal” in terms of how the average person experiences being alive.
Viz:
• [Claudiu]: […] The prospect of our meeting [in Australia] has certainly spurred my practice onward, and it seems like things are falling into place more & more. I do want to maximize the benefit gained from this visit, so, is there anything in particular I should do up to then, besides practice as sincerely and naively and tapping into pure intent as much as humanly possible? […]
• [Richard to Claudiu]: […] the best way to maximise the benefit gained from this trip is, of course, none other than what has become known as the actualism method … to wit: enjoying and appreciating being alive, each moment again, come what may.
It really is that simple: all the rest – such as feeling as happy and as harmless as is humanly possible, each moment again, by minimising both those futile malicious/ sorrowful feelings plus their antidotal loving/ compassionate feelings (and, thereby, maximising the felicitous/ innocuous feelings via this sensible utilisation of the potency of affective energy), for instance, and by being as naïve as is humanly possible, in order to be naiveté (and, hence, be sensitive to and receptive of the overarching pure intent), via being sincere about achieving one’s goal (in order to, thus, be sincerity in action) of peace-on-earth in this lifetime, for example, concomitant to coming to one’s senses both literally and metaphorically – are the various ways and means of effecting that very enjoyment and appreciation of being alive, each moment again, regardless of the situation and the circumstances.
Put succinctly: the means to the end – enjoying and appreciating being alive – are, therefore, no different to that end (the very enjoyment and appreciation of being alive) other than the former is, of course, affective in its nature and the latter is, quite obviously, actual by its very disposition.
Lastly, the actualism method segues into what has become known as the actualism process when the actualism method has become so automatic, via habituation, that one is walking about in a state of wide-eyed wonder (naiveté) simply marvelling at being alive (sensuosity) and being amazed/ delighted that all this – the world about/the universe itself – is occurring in the first place; the actualism process is when it becomes more and more difficult to distinguish the difference between one doing it (doing this business called being alive) and it happening of its own accord; when one becomes the experiencing of being alive/of it all occurring of its own accord one is then out-from-control (not ‘out of control’ as in wayward) and a different-way-of-being has ensued.
It all becomes rather magical (‘magical’ as in prestidigitation) after that. (Private correspondence with Claudiu, 29 February 2012, see link
• [Dictionary Definition]: ‘clew: a ball of yarn etc. used to trace a path through a maze (as in the Greek myth of Theseus in the Labyrinth); a thing which guides through perplexity, a difficult investigation, an intricate structure, etc.’ (Oxford Dictionary).↩︎
So I wrote recently that I would be nipping at your heels soon @claudiu and it appears this is exactly what I did
I’m still being careful before making definitive claims but especially noticeably in the past 2 days there is a momentum which has begun that is not of ‘my’ doing.
Noticing my experience the label which fits the most precisely is exactly that of an ongoing and dynamic excellence experience. I was going to write this yesterday but I wanted to see what it would be like when I wake up, and it’s still exactly the same.
There are times when some emotion comes up and I think, “ok I am still normal” but then I realise that I don’t have any breaks to put on, I don’t have a way to stop the perfection and purity permeating into the centre that is ‘me’.
I noticed this yesterday driving to my hen party jobs and it was a very precious experience, noticing that the breaks no longer work was the culmination of a lifetime of dedication. ‘I’ was stuck in that cage of ‘my’ own making, carrying the burden of being an identity for so many years. And it’s a funny situation because deep down ‘I’ yearn to be free of this burden and yet it is ‘me’ who stubbornly refused to step out of the cage. Knowing that the breaks no longer work allowed ‘me’ for the first time in so long to say a resounding YES! To being alive, what ‘I’ secretly wanted all along.
Dear Kuba,
My deepest appreciation for your wonderful news. “What ‘you’ secretly wanted all along”, how fitting, how marvellous. Thank you.
Have a great ride and enjoy it to the max while it lasts.
(I think you will understand the “while it lasts” correctly).
Cheers Vineeto
Yes thank you Vineeto It’s interesting because I have tried to put the breaks on multiple times this morning, to see if it is possible. I can go to ‘my’ most cherished themes, the ones that ‘I’ would usually get stuck in, but it’s like trying to hold sand through my hands. There is still this background expectation that something could ‘stick’ but so far no.
@Emp: Hmm, I really need to get going, don’t I? Don’t wanna be stuck in the bathroom while the rest of you go for destiny. (If you know, you know).
Hi Emp,
That is a very good insight and well worth putting into action.
Women can become as easily actually free as men, and given that I am a female myself, who has gone all the way, perhaps Richard’s record of how ‘Vineeto’ went about this may strike a chord with you.
[Richard]: […] As Vineeto’s reports/ descriptions/ explanations of a near-actual caring are scattered throughout her ‘Direct Route Mail-Out’ emails [link] some background details presented numerically will aid clarity in communication.
When feeling-being ‘Vineeto’s everyday feeling of caring first shifted into what has since become known as a near-actual caring the qualitative difference was so marked in its effect ‘she’ initially mistook it to be an actual caring (as per ‘her’ memories of PCE’s).
This shift occurred when ‘she’ transitioned from ‘her’ pragmatic, methodological virtual freedom into being out-from-control – a dynamic, destinal virtual freedom – for the remaining four-and-a-half weeks of ‘her’ life (albeit with a melodramatic three-day out-of-control interlude towards the end).
Due to ‘her’ naïve intent to be as intimate and without prejudice as possible – which, in conjunction with the absence of self-centredness/ self-centricity that is part-and-parcel of being out-from-control had resulted in the actualism method segueing into the actualism process – ‘her’ cheerful and thus willing concurrence allowed pure intent to dynamically pull ‘her’ evermore unto ‘her’ destiny. (Hence the “dynamic, destinal virtual freedom” nomenclature).
This moment-to-moment experiencing of a caring which is not self-centred/ self-centric provided ‘her’ with the experiential convincement that actualising such caring, via ‘self’-immolation, was the only solution to the human condition; this ‘hands-on’ understanding as a dynamically present feeling-being – an impressively distinct contrast to having been abeyant during PCE’s – left ‘her’ with absolutely no choice (lest ‘she’ be forever “rearranging the deck-chairs on the Titanic”).
Since a near-actual caring is, of course, epitomised by a vital interest in the suffering of all human beings coming to an end, forever, as a number one priority, then ‘her’ single-minded focus was essentially centred upon the most immediate way of ensuring this long-awaited global event could begin to take effect the soonest … to wit: bringing ‘her’ own inevitable demise, at physical death, forward into a liminal imminence.
Because the means ‘she’ elected to utilise towards these ends was the near-actual intimacy which goes hand-in-hand with a near-actual caring (per favour that afore-mentioned absence of self-centredness/ self-centricity which typifies being out-from-control) it is apposite to defer to what Vineeto herself wrote on the 20th of January 2010, only fifteen days after her pivotal moment/ definitive event, as its refreshingly simple directness speaks for itself.
Viz.:
• [Vineeto]: “(…). Further it was obvious for me that it would be Richard who would facilitate and trigger my transition into an actual freedom because he was the most obvious person with whom a near-actual intimacy would change into an actual intimacy – simply because Richard had been my guide and mentor for the last 13 years and particularly so for the period since I stepped out-from-control.
As I have written to No. 5 recently –
‘The final clue was again about caring, a caring as close to an actual caring as an identity can muster. Only when I cared enough to give all of ‘me’ to another person, to give them what they want most, was I then ready to give it to the one I cared for most, the one I was closest to, and then I was able to leave all remnant concerns and inhibitions of my identity behind.
And that’s what happened”. (Direct Route, No.20, 20 Jan 10).
(Incidentally, her words “to give them what they want most” refers to my oft-expressed emphasis on the necessity of a female replicating my condition – for those oh-so-vital ‘core of civilisation itself’ reasons spelled-out elsewhere on my portion of the web site – and it speaks volumes, to those males having reservations about going all the way due to the popular wisdom that what women want is loving relationships, that in the handful of daring pioneers women out-numbered men by a 4-to-1 ratio). (Richard, List D, No. 45a)
The last paragraph has two tooltips which are well-worth reading.
Well, this 4-to-1 ratio has so far not been repeated since then, which makes your realisation especially valuable and well-worth actualising.
The deep experience of pure intent, which you expressed on June 8 –
Emp: While reading Vineeto’s response, I remember starting out thinking “how’s this going to work out without Richard” and during reading my whole world seemed to shift to “of course it’s like this, it’s always been supposed to be like this”. It’s very difficult to explain how my entire thought process changed, but it seemed fundamental at the time. There’s been a remarkable stillness for the past few days. [link]
– will guide you to feeling excellent as your default hedonic state and from there it’s only a skip and a jump to give yourself permission to giving up control and letting the universe live you, like Claudiu and Kuba have recently done. You’ll be catching up with them in no time .
After all, we are aiming for nothing less than peace on earth.
So yesterday I understood this intellectually, today I had a glimpse of what this is referring to, that at the end of the ride there is no ‘me’ left, and that is a wonderful thing!
It happened as I was considering my current working situation, that I am cutting down hours from my employed work and slowly moving towards making a living teaching BJJ.
I can sum it up by what @geoffrey mentioned in a zoom chat a while ago - ‘you’ are trying to plan for a situation where ‘you’ will not exist, and indeed that is the case haha. Where life lives itself there is nothing of ‘me’ left, and in fact ‘I’ am not needed at all.
It’s so incredible as @claudiu wrote that I can explore all manner of things and still have this background of perfection and purity which it seems never goes away.
For me realizing this I hit a bit of a speed bump. It was two nights ago. As I wrote in #187, the momentum was increasing and it was all scintillating and wonderful. It seemed like I had been riding this wondrous wave and sufficiently paving the way, so I set my sights on what will come next – the actual ending of ‘me’.
Faced with this as the obvious next step, I hit upon a distinct patch of hesitation and “well hold on a sec”. This is something that I will actually have to do, which will mean the actual end of me – no longer a theoretical step at some point in the future, but something that actually will happen, or rather has to happen for me to attain my destiny.
So the wondrous scintillation has dimmed since then, although out-from-control is still what I am. And I very distinctly do not want to fall out of this different-way-of-being. In other words, I firmly am not going back to normal. So it is a matter of staying where I am, in a sense, and actually checking out this latest objection.
Very interestingly, when this would happen in the past I would experience it as being ‘stuck’. But I do not experience it as stuckness at all right now. It is just the next thing that is happening, and my experiencing still has that dynamic nature to it.
Yesterday I spent a good amount of time on X (formerly Twitter) which is a surefire way to be exposed to horrible and terrible things happening in the world. I am particularly bothered by the egregious and willfully dishonest clipping of and taking quotes out of context to paint people as saying something very obviously different than what they are saying if one watches it in context. I put a lot of time and effort into trying to correct people, add the context, post a Community Note about it. The results were dismal – people that already saw it, saw it, and every person that engaged with me pushing back and maintaining the dishonesty, none of them change their opinions about it at all, even when presented with the clear, unmistakable facts.
And so I came to see that what I was doing was trying to exert control over the world, to change other people to see what the facts are. And I saw it really just simply does not work at all. It reaffirmed that I actually don’t have control over this – meaning that my attempts to exert control in this manner, were a waste of energy.
It made it starkly clear that this is not an alternative to actual freedom. Going out and spending energy essentially being an activist – it just doesn’t work. It is a tiny drop in the bucket, one feeling-beings contribution to a site with hundreds of millions of feeling-beings all fervently participating on it. Even if I had millions of followers – there are posters who do have millions of followers, and their replies are filled by people that vehemently disagree with them. One simply cannot control other people, it doesn’t work.
It seems to mostly be out of my system now as I redirect my energy back to going further towards actuality. This is clearly the best way to actually make an impact on the world – by being that, and writing from that place, and then what I write may attract people which may go viral (perhaps), but that part is not up to me, all I can do is put it out into the world – and very obviously, the most impactful way to spend that energy is firstly to become free myself, and secondly to put that energy into the current active participants here, to help in whatever way that might help (which will be greatly aided by the most-impactful thing).
On a separate track, yesterday I saw Inside Out 2 and I was moved to tears several times during the movie.
The premise is to show a snippet of events in the life of a 13-year old girl Riley, where her inside world is represented by animated figures each representing different emotions - Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, and Anger are the main ones, which are soon joined by Anxiety, Jealousy, Shame and Ennui as she matures. These figures exist in her mind and exert influence on Riley via a literal control panel in her brain.
It is utterly hectic and chaotic and I was moved by how well it epitomized the human condition, where everyone for the most part is trying to do their best, and is constantly upset by their own emotions and neuroses, which they have through no fault of their own. Riley for the most part has Joy at the control panel, but as she goes through a period of changes, Anxiety takes the reigns. It increasingly exerts more and more control, at one point banishing Joy to a distant region of the mind, as Anxiety thinks the stakes are too high and it is too important to leave things to chance.
Anxiety becomes increasingly frantic, pressing more and more buttons, pushing more and more nerve-wracking possible futures to Riley’s consciousness, which cause her to spiral. Anxiety sees that the tactics are not working but can’t stop itself, eventually it forms a tornado around the control panel, mashing all the buttons and knocking out any other possible influence – a perfect metaphorical depiction of an out-of-control panic attack.
At this point Joy manages to re-emerge from the recesses of her mind and step into the center of the cyclone, where Anxiety stands, perfectly paralyzed, unable to let go of the controls. As Joy stands near Anxiety, tears start willing up in Anxiety’s eyes – which moved me to tears myself. Anxiety, too, is just trying to do the best it can, it came from a well-meaning place, and it just isn’t working.
Eventually Joy manages to encourage Anxiety to un-grasp the control panel, which begins the process of allowing Riley to calm down. The figurative emotions realize among themselves that it’s ultimately up to Riley to choose how to live her life. At that point in reality Riley stands up and sees the Sun shining in, and there’s a wonderful moment where a trail of yellow particles start flowing between Joy and the control panel – Riley decided to choose Joy as the way she wanted to live her life at that moment.
And so Joy resumed their place at the control panel and the remaining scene finished out with Riley having a delectably wonderful time, filled with sensuosity and delight.
All this was really very moving for me. The metaphors are not perfect but I thought it was a wonderful way to depict inner emotional turmoil, and I particularly liked the part about Riley being able to choose Joy – a very actualist message in fact!
I was moved because it epitomized the human condition, how it affects everyone, how people generally mean well – and how vital it is for me to continue on the path I am continuing on, to be able to help others to free themselves from it as well!
“And so I came to see that what I was doing was trying to exert control over the world, to change other people to see what the facts are. And I saw it really just simply does not work at all. It reaffirmed that I actually don’t have control over this – meaning that my attempts to exert control in this manner, were a waste of energy.”
This was a very observant experiment – “it is impossible to combat the wisdom of the real world”. It is a great insight to aid you in leaving humanity itself.
Richard: […] Then one takes the penultimate step … one abandons ‘humanity’. An actual freedom from the human condition then unfolds its inevitable destiny’. (link)
This meme always reminds me of a very old discussion I had with Claudiu…In some discussion I said SIWOTI to mean Someone Is Wrong on the Internet and I think he wasn’t aware of that and asked if it means Social Identity Without The Instincts ?
The “speed bump” has turned out to be more of a derailment, which I am starting to get back on track now. I am glad to see others on the forum have continued with their successes, especially @Kub933 – so it doesn’t entirely rely on me .
The interesting thing about this derailment, during which I have certainly gotten to the low levels of feeling bad and terrible and upset, is that there is no longer an element present of feeling stuck or resentful about it or that it ‘has to be this way’ or ‘woe is me’. In other words, consistently throughout is the constant experiential understanding that I am feeling the way I am feeling because of my choices, and nothing imposed externally whatsoever. This is very different than before.
And basically at any point throughout the familiar experience of there being no brakes available could start happening. So although it took a long time to go out-from-control the first time[1], now it appears to be readily available at any moment. How wonderful!
The salient question then is why the train has been derailed for so long? Actually I’m realizing a “train on the tracks” analogy is not so apt as that implies a one way to do it, narrow approach, whereas it is more a wide & wondrous path… but the analogy can suffice for now.
I can only draw it back to that seeing how continuing down this path will genuinely be the end of me. And when I thought of just getting back to feeling good and staying there as a first step (and not committing to the end per se), it didn’t work because I saw how that was just the first step in a series of steps that I would then follow that would then actually be the end of me. So I did not even want to go there – I can’t fool myself!
What has happened to get me back on track (to the trackless wide&wondrous path), is seeing that nothing that occurred over the past 10 days has been anything of any value whatsoever. It’s like, ok, I “get to” avoid self-immolating, I “get to” continue (illusorily) ‘existing’ … and what is my reward? Feeling bad! Haha. It’s like playing a stupid game and getting a stupid prize.
Combining that with the fact that it feels bad to feel bad, it’s just not a pleasant experience to feel bad, and there really is no reason to continue avoiding the wide & wondrous path, that is so readily accessible now. In other words, the only way to continue is forward, facing whatever resistance and objection full on, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be. In other words, avoidance is no longer an option.
Then a key third piece to the puzzle was seeing that the reluctance to change comes directly from the loyalty to humanity and the fear of abandoning humanity. Besides being rotten to the core, there are rotten parts to me – as to all feeling-beings – aggressive and malicious parts. They will not actually disappear until self-immolation. Until then, they will remain latent – able to be activated and channeled and expressed on a whim.
Now I am faced with the choice, to minimize those parts of me. And when faced with that choice, a voice comes on, a super cynical thought/feeling along the lines of “oh you can’t really change. you would just be fooling yourself, lying to yourself. you aren’t so foolish as to think you can really change, are you?” And somehow that thought was enough to browbeat me (me browbeating myself!) into allowing myself to continue expressing that malice rather than minimizing it.
But now I see the reason for that – because by doing so I stay within humanity, I stay within the tribe. But if I actually change… I prove the entire mass of ‘humanity’ wrong! I break away from the tribe – which then is felt as immediately exposing me to danger, if that tribe were to then turn on me.
The answer is a practical one of course: it is trivially easy to blend in and not expose oneself to this actual danger. The amusing thing is that everybody is so self-centered that they just assume everybody else basically thinks and feels like them. When presented with someone whose vibes either don’t exist, or exist but are not sorrowful or malicious, it intuitively registers as a “neutral” or “friend” rather than a threat – so they assume you are like them and there’s no problems.
Finally the fourth piece was seeing how me being in this worse mood negatively impacts my partner and the other people around me. Even if I am not doing anything to express the mood. I will say something neutral in response without intending any malice towards that person, and people will understand from the vibes that I am upset, and then understand my neutral response in the framework of “upset person” and then assume what I said has to do with why I am upset and then try to react accordingly. It is terrible not just for me but for everyone.
So here I am, now propitiously directed back towards the purity of the actual universe, which lies all around, abundant and evident.
(I found a post of mine from 2011 on the DhO about affer-ism (which I thought was actualism), so at least 13 years from first exposure to actualism) ↩︎
I have a drive. I feel like I do not want to abandon that drive, because if I do it would mean I have no purpose. The fact is seen: ‘I’ actually do not have a purpose, just a biologically-inherited instinctual passion to perpetuate this body’s genes and ultimately the species.
The above makes it seem like I want to have a purpose, because there is a reluctance to let go of the drive. However this neatly segues into realizing that there are sensible things I can be doing at work. There are tangible benefits where I am actually needed that would help the company accomplish its goals and lead to financial rewards for me. Yet then I react with this with not wanting to bear the burden of that responsibility of “having” to do those things! But was I not just one minute ago complaining about how I want to have a purpose? Yet when a purpose presents itself, I don’t want it because I don’t want the responsibility!
It is just all silly. Bereft of care and consideration. It’s all sort of a sham, essentially. The path forward is obvious – accept that I am not needed, and appeal to that part of me that actually doesn’t want the responsibility. That part of me will benefit from not “having” to do anything! Then I can allow sensible things to get done, which is the natural state of affairs when I do not get in the way .
Then it is win-win: there is no burden of responsibility, and the sensible things get done while I am free to enjoy what is happening. The things ‘I’ want to do will not necessarily get done, but those instinctually-driven desires do not necessarily make sense. They might – but if they do then it no longer needs to be instinctually-driven but will rather move up into sensible sensate consciousness where they will be evaluated to get done just like any other sensible thing. How delightful and easy
I have been contemplating this very same thing lately. There is the drive which is ‘me’ and this is usually spent on various dramas which are available within ‘humanity’. It can be turned into various aspects of one’s identity such as career, parenthood, hobbies etc and then this gives one a sense of purpose, what this ‘sense of purpose’ really is about though is escaping from being ‘me’, it is a distraction from what ‘my’ ground of ‘being’ is all about, which is being forever separated from the actual.
So even though ‘I’ resent having to play this game of being a social identity, ‘I’ still choose it over the unbearable alternative.
What I am considering though is the benefit of committing wholly to being an Actualist. As in to channel all of that drive into the 1 aspect of ‘my’ identity which can deliver the goods. ‘I’ will be an identity until ‘I’ am no more, and usually ‘I’ split myself between all these various identities, all pointing in different directions.
It’s like ‘I’ am a part time Actualist, part time boyfriend, part time employee etc. and ‘I’ am trying somehow to make all of those aspects work together, to tick all boxes at once.
What happens though is that all those other aspects of ‘me’ are straining to pull ‘me’ back towards ‘humanity’, to remain an identity at all costs. Furthermore ‘I’ end up fragmented between different goals, one’s pointing in completely different directions.
It seems to me that there is only 1 way to make it work, which is to commit all of ‘oneself’ to being an Actualist. That is to say that last piece of pizza is an actualist through and through, until ‘he’ disappears in ‘his’ entirety.
. I thought this would be alarming, but it wasn’t, because I did not want to put the brakes on so it didn’t matter. However I do notice that my conscious attention can wane and then I find myself acting and feeling according to old patterns. So more properly I would say – whenever I am consciously aware of what is happening, it is not possible to purposely put the brakes on. But, if attention wanes sufficiently then old patterns emerge. But they do not have the same staying power as before. I just realized now as I’m writing this, I haven’t had to dig my way out of a hole for a while, which is how it used to be. Rather once I am aware again of what’s happening, I am aware with the benefit of that background purity and benevolence, which immediately lets me see the pattern for what it is, an illusory chimera, and then the full waxing delectation readily occurs.
It’s interesting because I have tried to put the breaks on multiple times this morning, to see if it is possible. I can go to ‘my’ most cherished themes, the ones that ‘I’ would usually get stuck in, but it’s like trying to hold sand through my hands. There is still this background expectation that something could ‘stick’ but so far no.
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