Everything is so fantabulous.
Reading Kuba’s latest entry, I was wondering at my own experiencing and how it compares. I have continued to wonder whether what I am experiencing is indeed what is referred to by “out-from-control”. I had this thought that it seems like I am able to put the brakes on still – certainly there is some “waxing and waning”, the level of delectation and deliciousness is not constant but vibrant and dynamic.
So then I thought ok, if I can put the brakes on then – let me do it! And I found – I could not! There are no brakes to put on 
. I thought this would be alarming, but it wasn’t, because I did not want to put the brakes on so it didn’t matter. However I do notice that my conscious attention can wane and then I find myself acting and feeling according to old patterns. So more properly I would say – whenever I am consciously aware of what is happening, it is not possible to purposely put the brakes on. But, if attention wanes sufficiently then old patterns emerge. But they do not have the same staying power as before. I just realized now as I’m writing this, I haven’t had to dig my way out of a hole for a while, which is how it used to be. Rather once I am aware again of what’s happening, I am aware with the benefit of that background purity and benevolence, which immediately lets me see the pattern for what it is, an illusory chimera, and then the full waxing delectation readily occurs.
Interestingly I find myself contemplating extremely basic questions now, such as: “How do I know that this is enjoyable?” Have you ever asked yourself that? It was something I just took for granted before – this is enjoyable. But how do I know? And by asking it in this way, I then quickly saw that I knew because the experience of it was enjoyable. But really seeing it in this factual way is so delicious and makes it unquestionable as to whether it is enjoyable. I don’t know if I’m getting this across very well, but it is really simple stuff and very rewarding.
Other recent questions:
- Is actuality really perfect?
- Do I really want this?
These simple contemplations are accompanied by a deep richness and sweetness, that I remember happening in the past only on a rare occasion, a gem of a moment that would shine out around as if out from a muddy pit, whereas now that heightened level of magicality is a daily occurrence, available essentially whenever I want it, and this regularity of it occurring does nothing to diminish from it (as in getting habituated a la the hedonic treadmill) but rather remains utterly delicious in the very quality of it.
