It was really nice to read your messages of support and encouragement and advice. One thing I find, as I go along, is that I’m getting a lot softer and regulated and actually able to “absorb” care from others, it’s really nice. Thanks.
One thing I’m starting to see a LOT of is the role of shame in hampering real investigation. Identifying as the thinker, and too scared and ashamed to face my “dangerous” feelings, I only ever knew how to beat myself up and suppress unwanted emotions. I felt and believed deep down I was just too bad, an irredeemable “lost cause” who couldn’t live up to Richard or the goal of being happy and harmless. And I had all the feelings to back it up.
Now I’m going a whole ‘nother route - and it feels great. As my regular self I’m becoming caring, considerate and emotionally available - things I had never been in my whole life haha. I plan to write more about my “story” later in case it’s helpful for others.
As for actualism, I’ve also been having peak experiences more regularly - and this is doing more work to undo emotional ties and habits than analysis ever could! This is a very intuitive route compared to what I was doing before.
Last night for example I had an EE of about 1.5 hours. It all started with feeling good, but I wasn’t trying to have anything happen - just went for a walk at night.
Slowly but surely, the world around started to transform, and become much more mystical and magical - fairytale in nature. I couldn’t believe the integration between the “man made” world of houses and cars with the throbbing organic/“natural” world of exotic trees and shrubbery in the area where I currently reside.
I noted the absolute solidity of the world around me, and it was hard to consider that those typical feelings I have had over the years even exist, as the physical/sensory world around me was just all too apparent and obvious, as well as friendly and inviting.
This solidity and safety was further enabled by my own internal state, which was incredibly happy-go-lucky and clean as if not burdened by anything. There was no need to control my actions, or decide which direction to go or anything like that.
At certain times the infinitude of the universe become briefly unveiled, as I found my experience became totally stripped of context. No before and after, and certainly no “here” or “there” - it was quite thrilling to experience.
Coming back to normal life, this EE has allowed me to up-level, and not fall back into the same old. I can feel that my brain is starting to understand more and more what is working and what isn’t (on a somewhat rudimentary “hotter” or “colder” basis). As such feeling bad feels wrong, and is much easier to untie - especially by tracing back to last night.
Anyway just wanted to drop a line. Cheers!