Some notes on how things are going lately, seeing that oblivion is what ‘I’ secretly desire has shifted ‘my’ focus towards practically aiming for self-immolation. It was interesting the other day admitting to ‘myself’ that ‘I’ want to commit ‘self suicide’. I found it interesting to notice that deep down all of ‘humanity’ wants the same thing. If ‘I’ am ‘humanity’ then deep down ‘they’ seek that same oblivion.
This got me seeing ‘humanity’ in a different light, I remembered that old advice to “imagine the audience sitting in their underpants when giving a speech” in order to lessen one’s anxiety. It’s like I could see all of ‘humanity’ sitting in their underpants 
All those highly sophisticated identities are deep down looking for the very same thing - their own oblivion. Yet they do not have a way to do it, so they can only invest in a temporary escape, they are stuck always with a return ticket. It is interesting to consider all the madness around is caused by entities who deep down wish for their own demise.
Perhaps @Andrew you were on that very same ‘self-destruct’ mission all along but just going about it the wrong way. As in ‘I’ wish to end ‘me’ but without the third alternative ‘I’ resort to destroying this body in desperate hope to release ‘me’ from suffering. Anything but remaining ‘me’ as ‘I’ am it seems. Altruistic ‘self’ sacrifice then is a way to achieve this whilst providing benefit to this body, that body and everybody.
So seeing that both ‘me’ and ‘humanity’ secretly desire oblivion and furthermore that all those elaborate ploys within ‘humanity’ are desperate attempts at escaping from being ‘me’ (always temporarily), the possibility of self-immolation is now viewed in a different light, with actualism being a bullet train towards that which ‘I’ secretly desire anyways.
Intermittently I have been experiencing glimpses of that blessed anonymity which exists after ‘my’ demise, it is indeed what ‘I’ desire. It’s interesting because there is a flavour of that in the various temporary escapes that ‘I’ can employ, eg alcohol or drugs. Those temporary escapes have a flavour of what life is like when ‘I’ am not around, of life living itself, of that blessed release from ‘being’, it is what ‘we’ all want.
If this is what ‘we’ all want then the obvious thing is to practically proceed towards doing it, sooner rather than later. As the alternative is for ‘me’ and ‘humanity’ to continue wasting time and energy on those temporary escapes which inevitably bring about the madness that is seen all around.
So ‘I’ know that ‘I’ wish for ‘my’ own demise, but of course ‘I’ am not fully on board otherwise it would have happened already. So I have been exploring what is left, what components of ‘humanity’ are being saved and what for? Then contrasting those with the experience of that blessed anonymity where life lives itself. What a cool adventure to embark on, to consciously and willingly orient all of ‘myself’ towards that desire for ‘my’ ending, and for it all to have such a practicality to it also haha!
I notice that in my life I always had the tendency to proceed forward only when the sense and practicality of a course of action finally clicked, as in once it makes sense to do something I simply do it, but I do not do it merely because it seems like a good idea.
It seems it is no different with self-immolation, as in there has to be not a single objection left, and once it clicks that this is obviously the most sensible course of action, then it happens.
I remember a zoom with Geoffrey where he mentioned [obviously this could not actually happen and was just a thought experiment] that if he was to become an identity he would simply self immolate in 5 minutes, after checking out what it is like. It would be that simple because it is the most sensible course of action.
smile:
It reminds me of Srinath’s report of becoming free :