Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Vineeto: Also, as I wrote to you in a recent message (link), seeing the silliness is not all there is to the art of minimising the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings, i.e. ‘me’.
First, label the trigger and the feeling and gather the facts of the sequence when applicable. After all, sincerity is being “aligned with factuality”.
Then determine if the particular reaction is just a habit from which to ween oneself off, or a deeper-seated worry, fear or aversion having been triggered. It could be a pattern, a concept, a revered moral/ ethical/ spiritual value, a nice self-image, a ‘truth’ or pride, a power-trip, wanting to win a silly battle, to name just a few. What am I afraid to uncover? What will change when I give up this feeling?
If that does not yield any results, look on the ‘good’ side – what are the hoped-for rewards one is afraid to lose? What are the ‘good’ feelings I want to keep? In other words – the most significant question in any mystery – who benefits from having this drama?
Kuba: So it looks my attention is now shifting to this aspect of minimising ‘me’. I have a good fresh example also which is nice. So I was doing some BJJ training just now with one of my regular training partners and this new training partner who is an experienced MMA fighter looking to sharpen up his grappling skills. All in all we had a really good training session but there was 1 instance where I detected not only a diminishment in feeling good but also a link to a more persistent part of my identity which is clearly behind it all.
It happened as I was sparring with the new training partner whilst my regular training partner was watching the round play out. I am currently still a little crippled with my knee so (in an attempt to take out any dynamic motion) I gave up a dominant position to my opponent with the intent of working out of it safely and then countering. BUT I was kind of trapped haha and it took some good doing and a few failed attempts to finally escape.
Then there was this feeling of some kind of shame, of having failed to live up to some kind of a standard. So firstly I got back to feeling good and have been feeling good since. And actually there has now been this sincere, maybe even naive fascination at discovering just which part of ‘me’ is behind it all.
So to go step by step, I did in fact get back to feeling good, I am well aware of what the trigger was as well as the facts of the sequence and I also have some breadcrumbs leading to the part of ‘me’ which has been threatened. It is clear that my regular training partner watching was a pivotal part in setting the scene for this particular drama, it gives a clue as to what this part of my identity is all about… It is something like being a leader, that by demonstrating excellence I am helping to pull others forward in their own development. Which by itself this would not be a problematic MO, and yet there is something dirty here. Which means there must be a ‘good’ feeling behind this, what do ‘I’ get from being in this position of a leader demonstrating excellence. Clearly this is how ‘I’ belong, this is the position ‘I’ have carved for ‘myself’ in this particular group, and it comes with the perks of being respected, paid attention to, liked etc. And yet that ‘position in the group’ is a prison cell and I wish to be free from it.
I think that is as far as I got with it so far, I don’t expect this to be resolved immediately as I know this to be a very persistent part of my identity. It’s more I guess to run this by you, to see if this is the kind of investigating you were recommending in your posts to me. It does not feel like rumination, because I am feeling good and it is actually quite exciting/fun to dig into it, I am quite fascinated at unravelling it.
Ah it seems quite clear that it is the “being looked up to” part which is the dirty part, that is the ‘good’ feeling I was trying to have happen and of course when it all failed it turned into shame. So this “inspiring through excellence” is a furphy I tell myself so that I can cunningly play the game of being looked up to, that is what I was protecting.
Well that is something very beneficial which has come from this for sure, that this “self-less leader” is a furphy and underneath it is self-centricity, it is indeed about ‘me’ ‘me’ ‘me’. This drama has persisted in me for so long because I sold it to myself that it was about the benefit to others, it was hiding under the guise of some kind of nobility. (link)
Hi Kuba,
The significant sentence is “So it looks my attention is now shifting to this aspect of minimising ‘me’” – and coupled with a “sincere, maybe even naïve fascination at discovering just which part of ‘me’ is behind it all”. This “aspect of minimising ‘me’” appears to be something new in your approach to actualism, possibly the missing aspect which caused you going round “in circles” (for instance 20 Nov 2025, 5 Jan 2026 and 21 May 2026).
Every technique for the actualism method is to facilitate minimising ‘me’, i.e. the ‘good’ and bad feelings, and make the already existing actual world apparent. In absence of this overarching intent applying the actualism method becomes –
Richard: … an unendorsed/ unsanctioned unilateral pursuit I have previously referred to, when talking face-to-face with some of those so inclined, as a suave-and-sophisticated “faux-actualism practice” being studiously observed, for its urbane effect, by its resultant “buttoned-down pseudo-actualist” practician. (Richard, List D, Martin, #text: unendorsed).
This quote is only to emphasise the vital importance for anyone interested in actualism to ascertain what one is aiming for – minimising ‘me’ – to perhaps avoid both frustration and wasting time and perhaps being easier able to recognize and identify the various manoeuvres of one’s identity to sabotage the actualism method into a ‘self’-preserving/ ‘self’-enhancing technique.
Because you are now confident that the actual world actually exists and it is safe to leave your ‘self’ behind (link), you are now able to agree to, and focus on, “this aspect of minimising ‘me’”, when looking at a particular issue that diminishes feeling good. (Isn’t this adventure better than a captivating detective story?).
Regarding “inspiring through excellence” – it is imitating the perfection of the universe when one aspires excellence, and beneficial when others are inspired to imitate this excellence, however, the moment ‘I’ take the credit and make it my own, it becomes dirty, it has power added to one’s expertise and excellence, and power over others is always ‘self’-serving and ‘self’-enhancing.
Cheers Vineeto