Kuba: So sitting out in the garden having a cigarette just now it clicked that ‘I’ cannot self immolate ‘myself’, I can see this clearly that it would mean that ‘I’ remain by the end. I saw this when ‘I’ thought let ‘me’ just try really hard to self-immolate now, like ‘I’ would be the agent doing the self-immolating with great effort and of course it immediately became clear that this is a dead end. It’s like ‘I’ would be the one shifting this heavy load that is ‘myself’ but then of course ‘I’ would remain It would literally be a case of ‘me’ trying to lift ‘myself’ up by ‘my’ bootstraps.
I can see how this kind of ‘trying hard’ (as if ‘I’ am lifting a heavy load that is ‘me’) cannot work and in fact it could lead to actuality mimicking ASCs.
In a way that is good news though! To see that ‘I’ could not possibly do it means that ‘I’ don’t have to worry about that.
I am reminded of Claudiu writing prior to stepping out from control that “allowing it is not a lacklustre approach” (link). So there is some kind of effort that is happening of course but it is not an effort of ‘me’ doing it, rather the effort is for ‘me’ to allow it. It’s a fascinating thing because all ‘my’ life ‘I’ learnt that effort means ‘me’ becoming progressively more passionately involved, that if ‘I’ spin ‘my’ emotional wheels more and more that something will move. And it’s like the whole time with actualism it has been the opposite, the effort has been in ‘me’ getting to a place where ‘I’ agree to get out of the way. It is still an effort though it is just in the other direction.
Ha Felix maybe this will sound familiar?
So ‘I’ can channel all ‘my’ affective passionate energy towards agreeing to get out of the way permanently. It is not about channeling all that energy towards ‘me’ becoming as if a prime mover to self immolation happening.
‘I’ can channel all of ‘myself’ towards allowing ‘my’ own ending, the doing of it is not for ‘me’ to worry about.
Since that experience the other day things have definitely been progressing and I find myself further than I have been before, initially it staggered me a little bit to consider what actual freedom entails. I can see what is meant now that to be fully actually free is to be pure intent personified, which means that one’s character is no different than the character of the infinite and eternal universe itself.
Hi @Kuba,
This is such an enjoyable post I can’t help replying. Since you have seen that ‘you’ cannot immolate ‘your’ self and also because you and Claudiu were wondering how it will be after it happens, I just found the perfect quotes earlier today for both questions –
• [Richard]: ‘After living in the condition of virtual freedom for sufficient time to absorb all the ramifications of a blithesome life, it is highly likely that the ultimate condition can happen. ‘I’ do not make it happen, because ‘I’ cannot make it happen. What is more … ‘I’ am not required to make it happen. An actual freedom happens of itself only when one is fully ready, and not before. One has to become acclimatised to benignity, benevolence and blitheness, because the purity of the actual is so powerful that it would ‘blow the fuses’ if one was to venture into this territory ill-prepared. To precipitously apprehend the vast stillness of infinitude would be too much, too fast, too soon … one could go mad with the super-abundance of pleasure that pours forth’. [emphasis added]. (‘Richard’s Journal’ © 1997 The Actual Freedom Trust. Page: 150).
It looks like with all those wonderful excellence experiences and PCEs you are indeed acclimatising yourself. 
And you will find that you already know, have always known, the actuality of an actual freedom –
• [Richard]: […] It is a welcome release into actuality. I am finally here. I discover that I have always been here … I have never been anywhere else for there is nowhere else … except illusion and into delusion. The ‘real world’ and the ‘Greater Reality’ had their existence only in ‘my’ fertile imagination. Only this, the actual world, genuinely exists. This exquisite surprise brings with it ecstatic relief at the moment of mutation … life is perfect after all. But, then again, has one not suspected this to be so all along? At the moment of freedom from the Human Condition there is a clear sense of ‘I have always known this’. Doubt is banished forever … no more verification is required. All is self-evidently pure and perfect. Everything is indeed well.
It is the greatest gift one can bestow upon oneself and others. [emphasis added]. (Richard, List B, No. 12, 6 Mar 1998).
Kuba: Initially when I saw that the universe will not force ‘me’ to self-immolate as it is already complete, ‘I’ thought well then why do it? Like if things are already perfect then does it really matter? And ultimately for the universe it does not matter, which is why one does it for this body, that body and everybody. It is still quite weird though because those bodies are ultimately no different than the universe itself and yet they are capable of experiencing the meaning of life, that is what is ultimately at stake. That “invitation to paradise” which I mentioned a while back is handed out to each flesh and blood body. The universe doesn’t ultimately have anything at stake here, the gift is for the flesh and blood bodies to exist in paradise.
So then I was thinking, coming so far out from ‘humanity’, is the motivation to allow self-immolation going to come from this side (actuality) or from the other side (‘humanity’). It’s like the ‘humanity’ side is a place of utter desperation and the actuality side is a place of magical perfection and purity.
I am not sure if it can come from the ‘humanity’ side because ‘humanity’ will be left behind ‘back there’ along with ‘me’. ‘They’ will not be saved when ‘I’ self immolate, in fact ‘they’ will be left in progressively dwindling numbers, huddling in desperation.
Ha so just like the universe is seen to be an uncaring bully by those looking from within the human condition, to abandon ‘humanity’ and proceed to paradise will equally be seen as a betrayal.
You will certainly have to consider yourself a traitor to humanity, but don’t worry, nobody will notice. Feeling beings have the uncanny ability of automorphism to fill the gaps where you don’t provide the psychic and affective requirements to be recognized as one of them. Animals will notice, though, they are neither afraid nor attracted because of the missing vibes.
Your question regarding where the motivation comes from is answered here “An actual freedom happens of itself only when one is fully ready, and not before.” ‘You’ are motivated to get “fully ready” then “an actual freedom happens of itself”.
As for “the universe doesn’t ultimately have anything at stake here” – that is for you to discover experientially when you are the universe experiencing itself as a flesh-and-blood body sans identity. I see that you answered your question already in your next post, how perspicacious!
Ah, it is such fun.
Cheers Vineeto